"Anyone who has not heard about the ghost, he soon finds out about it in his time." But seriously I am mikele_11 beginner creator of the story.
Meet Dan. The Phone Guy from five nights at Freddy's. He got power from nowhere. He is unusual guy with phone instead of a head. He has powers of recall animatronics. Phone Guy is alone in other world with talking ponies. It's been fun.
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By one riddled to explore all ways that might be come! Retrieve footingly from alien distressages, by retale of passage and happenings. That which goes, whence return? But PANTS! Pants of infinite volume! To say the correct; what?
I would remove pretty much everything here in favour of an actual description of your story. Why would people want to read this, what is your story going to offer that is either interesting or new.
This makes no sense and just seems to be here randomly.
Once again irrelevant/ would be better put in the author notes.
Not to be too harsh but this is just drivel. We learn nothing about the actual story plot. Who is Phone guy why do we care if he is powerful and unusual. What purpose does her serve. What is the story idea, plot. Nothing about the intro alone interests me or others. A short bio should give us a summary of who is the main character, why are they in Equestria and so on. Give the readers a brief idea of what they are going to read and the general idea of the story
Once again better put in the author notes.
A few glaring grammatical errors and so on but I am not qualified to correct that but what I will correct is, who the fuck si Phone Guy. We have no idea who this character is.
in blue shirt with rolled-up sleeves and jeans, but without the telephone, instead of the head.
Not sure what you are meaning by convection.
Not a good way to introduce a character. A friend or acquaintance saying his name would have fit better. The audience does not need to know the main character's name straight away.
Gather what?
Once again not sure why convection is relevant here. Also "started my way convection" it should be "and started my way to the convention"
Just so you know convertion is far different than convention Convection is the concerted, collective movement of groups or aggregates of molecules within fluids (liquids, gases) and rheids,.
The jump from him going to what I assume is a "convention" and being at the convention is sort of rushed. Hell we do not even get a break away scene. Also what questions. Did he get lost, was he asking question about the convention itself. You are too vague here.
Also no need to add the "by the way." You are telling a story not conversing with someone.
End of what? The end of the convention, end of the waiting line to get in. we are stumbling around in the dark trying to figure out where he is and what is going on.
Name a few, "I saw many people dressed in weird and wonderful costumes from popular movies and games to the more obscure characters.
Impressed about what, about how many people where there, the costumes, the decoration what?
Way to vague. "Stand with things" tells us nothing, tell us about what is in this convention hall. Describe the room, the atmosphere hell even the smell.
This is just flat out lazy or at the very least poorly written. I saw an interesting stand. what made it interesting, did it have merchandise that the character liked or did it have unique or weird items on display. Also started to browse I thought he was on a tour. Did the tour end? Why bother mentioning the tour if you do not even describe anything about it or the person giving the tour.
Honestly this part stumped me. "the employee, Freddy Fazbear diner" Is this the person asking the question if so why is it included in the quotation marks? And if that is the case then why add Asked the salesman. Is he saying can I help you employee. Is the guy making a joke about the person's costume?
There was only a merchant in one and that was Resident evil 4 this is more nick picking but still better to be specific. Also instead of "as" use "like" or "similarly to the merchant from resident evil 4"
You sort of lost me again at this point. Is the merchant implying he has something that the Main character would want. and if so why not have him mention Dans costume first?
Took a big red phone what? Did he take the big red phone to the market, did he take it to his mothers. I would suggest writing. "The merchant produced a large mask in the shape of a bright red phone." Another thing I have noticed is that you do not given any depth to what you write. You tell us the phone is red but what else is it dull, bright, damaged, old, brand new, strange. You need to give detail so readers can build up a mental image of the story.
Anyway I am sure there are others that can do a better job than me so I wish you the best and would heavily suggest getting proof and beta readers. Not only that but maybe checking out a few blogs and reading a few stories written by talented authors. Stories by Anonymous Pegasus or wanderer D would be good place to start.
And as a final note I would say just keep practising your English you will get there. Good luck with writing.
Rewrite
my brain exploded reading this but here is a song
Pretty great job mate.
That grammar was horrid... Did you do it on purpose?
6894157 hmm have i see you before?
FUCKING FLOW-I MEAN PHONE GUY!
6974920 Mayyyyybe. *Shifty eyes*
6974934 wait.. your either a mlp scp or your the guy i sold nukes and radioactive shit to
6974942 I have no idea what you are talking about. *Not so subtly pushes nukes and radioactive bins into a corner*
6975007 V
FIGHT ACT ITEM MERCY
*points at bins*
6975091 Ummm, I don't have an ace? *DETERMINATION becomes unstable* *Sigh* Yes, it is I. The great and powerful plague doctor! MWAHAHAHA!
6975646 ok thats all i wanted
6977454 Okay, have a nice night mate.
howdy? .... FUCKING FLOWEY!
7051241
He love Flowey.
7056957 FUCKING TRAITOR! FUCKING FLOWY!
for god's sake. more FNAF fanboys. Wish the game was never invented.
let me guess he is going to look like omega flowy or purple guy?
7059773 well take your hating somewhere where its wanted like twitter or somthing its not our problem and if you dont like DONT READ THE STORY!
also i was wrong about the purple guy thing but he dose have the crazy side of that
I see through your b8. Obvious trollfic, nobody, not even FNAF fangirls are this beta.
GOD DAMMIT FREDDY YOU TRAITOR! img.ifcdn.com/images/4c31bf48babac9441238a5b6537c2a71d138af519da61064f5dc6c17b0b2e7a3_1.jpg
ONE THING IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER
Why is this getting so much hate?
i mean its not the worst possible thing ever
unlike keemstar