Rewrite
"Finish." I said happily improving my costume. I was dressed like a Phone Guy from five nights at Freddy's. I wear blue shirt with rolled-up sleeves and jeans. "Maybe I'll find something on convection." I said to myself. I looked at my watch and immediately began to gather my wallet and phone. "This is the hour to go." I said to myself. I left the hotel where I was staying and started my way to area where convection is.
After an hour of wandering and questions where is convection of fans games, serials,movies and e.t.c. I saw many people dressed in different characters from movies, games and serials. "I am impressed of everything. Although moderate, but impressed." I said to myself. My tour, started from the stands with movies, serials and game things. At one point, I saw interesting stand full of precious items. I started to browse the available things.
"Can I help you, the employee of Freddy Fazbear diner?" Asked someone. He caused me shiver. He was dressed like a merchant from Resident Evil 4. "Ahh. I can see that you searching from something special. As soon as something it can handle." He said, searching for something under the table. After a moment, he took a big, red phone from under table. It was a mask.
"How many?" I asked confidently. He smiled, causing me a bigger thrill.
"As for you? $ 115." He said. I took out my wallet and gave the money, then I put on a mask. "Don't forget to record messages." He said, when I was leaving.
Suddenly, I heard the phone ringing. I looked at my phone, but nothing was. "What is?" I asked myself. When ringing died down, everything went black. And then I fainted.
"Where am I?" I asked as soon as I woke up. I've been in some unnatural color, dark forest. "And what happens to heaven?" I said, seeing as the sun turn into different intervals. "I mean, that ..." I was cut off by the rustling of leaves. I looked at the bush, which was shaken. Suddenly, the wolf jumped out from behind a bush made of sticks. "It's something new." I commented. Suddenly the creature threw at me. I raised my hands in front of him and felt something stung me, but it didn't hurt. I looked at the wolf and saw that broke his wooden teeth. "Tacky trash." I told destroying wolf with a single blow. "Ahh!" I shouted rubbing my hand. It turned out that the wolf had hurt my right hand. I took out a handkerchief and wrapped it around the wound. "It should withstand."
"Ahhh!" Shouted pony, running in front of me. I sat for a moment.
"Ghaaaaaaaa" I was screaming and fast running in a random direction and hit a tree. "Uhhhh." I let out the air and fainted.
"This is interesting." Someone commented. I rubbed my head and looked at the person who is talking. I saw something that consisted of different pieces of animals.
"What are you?" I asked confused. I also noticed that he keeps me upside down.
"I'm Discord. God of chaos. And you. What are you? And why did your head looks like ... something?" He said looking at me.
"I'm ... Before I tell you, you can bet me on the ground." I said, slightly annoyed. He reluctantly did and sat down on a chair that appeared out of nowhere. "Good. I'm Phone Guy." I replied. "Where am I? Because it certainly isn't California, let alone the Earth." I asked.
"You're in Equestria." He answered. Suddenly he snapped his claws and we were elsewhere. "Now I'm in charge." He said, sitting on the throne. "Wait. You got something on your head." He said, tapping claw on my head. I felt like the whole world loses its meaning. Moments later everything went black. Then I heard the familiar music. "Strange." Discord said. "I hypnotize you, and don't do it." He added. I just smiled like a madman, or at least I think so. In my head there were three sets of personality. I managed to get to the call. I, Purple guy and phone guy is one person. When all darkness has been replaced by a chaotic world, I have seen Discord sitting on the throne in shock.
"What happened? Are you surprised?" I asked slowly and darkly. He's just a little to withdraw. I reached for the phone on my head and took it off. "That's good, because I have to go." I said, giving the handset between my legs. Suddenly, rainbow shot from the speakers, and I don't know where I flew off, leaving the surprised god of chaos.
After five minutes of flight headphones, they began to choke, making the sound of farts until stopped. I let go the phone. "Ops. It doesn't end well." I said. After a while I began to fall, leaving behind me a cloud in my shape. The handset did the same. During the fall I had crossed hands and I was calm. After a while I came into contact with the ground and made a large crater, and a moment later, my handset landed on the head. Then I went ahead. "So much power shouldn't be wasted." I said to myself, playing around the red, gleaming fire in my hands. "I'll do it my way." I said, clenching my hands into fists while extinguishing the fire. After an hour of walking I arrived in the area from which I escaped. When I looked out from behind the bushes, I saw that Discord is turned into stone by winged unicorns. One was white and tall, the other dark and somewhat lower. "From the rain under Plantage." I said, leaving behind the bushes and going forward, but not towards those two creatures.
"Halt creature." Shouted a dark ponytail. I pretended not to hear and continued my way. Suddenly I felt a strange impact and at the center of my vision appeared a black spot. After a moment disappeared, and tingling in my head stopped. From what I know, it happened one thing.
"Which of you dare to shoot me in the head?" I shouted looking in their direction. After a while I realized that the explosion pierced through my head, but it healed in some way.
"How dare you speak like that? You should apply with respect to the princesses!" Shouted a dark ponytail. I just lit my hand and I did a line between me and two mares. I think so.
"Don't you dare to cross the line in any way. Even a shot." I said, continuing my journey. Then I got back in my head. I looked at them with reflectors. "You want to play that way? It'll get going." I said, lighting my fire. The dark mare stood to the attitude of combat, but the white mare stepped to the line.
"We don't want problems. Give us your intentions." Said sternly white mare. I just snorted.
"I don't know. Maybe play to my advantage." Ignorantly I said. The dark horse couldn't stand and fired in my direction. I leaned back and spell flew in front of me, and then I went back to the previous attitude. "Don't do that again." I said, annoyed. She smiled slightly and began to charge a charm. I just swung my hand and shot ... phone ?! When the phone hit the place where previously stood the mare, it created a small crater from the explosion. I saw two mares levitate jewels and began to load a spell. I had seen how they used the jewels, the conversion Discord in stone. Slowly I began to recede, and I switched off my fire. "Lasted until 6 am." I said, as they have shot a spell. When the power came into contact with me, I felt like my head slowly petrified. I stopped suddenly feel the whole body except the head. The only thing for me was, that petrified the phone. * I'm screwed. * I thought.
1000 years later
"Hello. Hello, hello. Hi there. I'm stuck in the stone and don't know what to do." 10000000000001 I said once that day.
"It's starting to move out me off balance." Discord said with a sneer.
"You would do it if you were in a stone for a thousand years." I replied.
"..."
"That's what I'm saying. No need to immediately tell me that you're stuck in the stone." I said, shaking my eyes, or so I thought.
"But I didn't say anything." Discord said.
"I wasn't talking to you Discord." I said, annoyed. "Quiet Sussy. I like to run away." I said.
"You know, we're here alone." Said monotonously Discord.
"You! Offended Sussy. And Jimmy. And Sarah. And Tractron. And Patract." I said indignantly. "And Henry doesn't care." I said.
"You are more chaotic than I do. I like it." Discord said.
"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAA" I screamed. I stopped when I heard the conversation. "Oh, no. Don't ..."
"School trip." Said the cheerful Discord. I gave a low growl. "Cheer up." I just snapped. I watched as three small mares that looked at the friend quarreled.
"These small like me and my friends." I said meekly. When a class is gone, I noticed that the stone prison Discord began to crack. "You're kidding. And don't tell me." I told angry. He straightened up and waved his paw dismissively.
"You're awfully cranky. I'm not going to help you escape." He said, and then disappeared.
"You're evil." I said to anyone. Suddenly I heard a cracking stone and felt familiar tingle. "But I can do it." I said with a vile smile. However, I felt a sudden and painful contraction, until suddenly ...
'CRACK'
"GHAA! Damn back!" I shouted huddled. I tried to straighten up and ...
'CRACK'
"GHAHAHAHA" I cried out in pain. My shoulders have not been used for 1000 years. It really can lead to health problems. I tried one last time and slammed back to me in a positive way. "Ahhhhh." I felt great. "Wait. Now isn't the time for pleasure. God of chaos in the wild. The two princesses are a problem. All you gotta do is run, but it later. First, interests." I said, and went to the castle. Apparently Celestia, in her treasury hide enchanted gems that to good use.
I wandered through the castle for an hour, but I found a private treasury Celestia. "Damn. This need for horn would open." I said, seeing a hole on the horn. I thought a little bit. I tapped on the door and it turned out that they are made of thick wood. "Here goes nothing." I said, loading my power. Then I slowed it at the door. When the smoke cleared, I saw that barely sketched them. "Good idea, Sarah." I said. I took the phone from my head and dialed 373339101987 Suddenly Freddy. I pointed to the door, and he started to destroy them. The effects were small. I dialed numbers 26664301987 and 2442201987 appeared Bonnie and Chica, who also attacked the door. After 10 minutes, the animatronics destroyed door. I typed the number 36301987 and they disappeared. "Your work is finished." I said. Then I went to the vault and began to look around. My eyes stopped on a square box. I went to the box and opened it. The inside was 11 small white crystals. "Just as I thought." I said taking them.
"Put them back in place." Somepony said. That say? I think so. This voice I knew all too well.
"I also glad to see you, Tia." I said with a small smile. Quickly, I hid 10 crystals into my head. I mean the phone, and one in pocket. I turned toward Celestia. "Why the frown on your face?" I asked jokingly.
"For you, Princess Celestia." She said angry. "Give these crystals!" She ordered.
"Let me think." I said, turning the knob of the dial. "No." I said not moved. Suddenly, Celestia, jumped marionette. I seized the moment and ran out the door. I ran down the corridor, then left, then right, then left again, straight and ... "Worse." I said, stopping in front of the entrance to the Luna room. I looked left and saw the guards. To the right was a wall. "Well. I'm shit." I said. I twisted four numbers and to my left appeared Freddy and Bonnie, and on the right Chica and Foxy. I pointed guards, and animatronics attacked them. I took a chance and ran away as fast as I could.
After 14 unsuccessful attempts, I found a way out of the castle. I was in the gardens, which I began this day. I ran as far as I could. "Good idea, Jimmy." I said. I took off my phone and used it to fly like the first time when I showed up here. When I took off, then I heard the music during a flight Nyan cat. I ignored it and flew away. "Now I just make sure I'm not being followed." I said to myself with a smile. Suddenly I stopped to enjoy. "What do you mean Tractron?" I asked. Then I looked back and saw that it really leaves a trace of the rainbow. "You could tell me that before." Suddenly the handset off. "My life is a joke." I said, and then fell. I ended up with a great shot, making a crater. I looked around, arms crossed. My eyes fell on a small town near me."I'll try there to look around." I said, but suddenly it started raining chocolate. "Let them of Discord." I said under my breath. I left the crater and went my way.
* This is interesting. * I thought to myself, seeing six mares. My attention lavender unicorn. Henry says that is a personal student of Celestia. I decided to have eye on her. Maybe I'll know something useful. Mares got into the car, and I made up as I can keep track of them. I started to run to the last car, while running its power and become invisible. In the middle, I went to the baggage car and went into hiding. "Now we just wait." I said.
After 2 hours of waiting train stopped. I went outside and went for 6 mares. * They walk toward the castle. Interesting. * Commented in my head. * Patract. I wanted it to be more like detective stories. You know. I'm hiding in the shadows, watching, researching, talking to myself. You know. * I said going dark brown coat and hat on my head, holding a magnifying glass. * It isn't an exaggeration. * I denied.
* After 20 minutes of walking we arrived at the castle. The day was sunny and no clouds. Pegasi did very well. My attention was paid to the 6 mare walking the corridors of the castle. I don't give up if I don't get to know the mystery that her hides. * I told. "I don't know Henry." I said angrily. "You see. Sussy thinks it's cute. Wait, what?" I ask.
When I got there, I saw out of the closet as lavender unicorn spoke with Celestia. Then they moved down the hall with stained glass. I was behind them. They were talking about something, but I listened to music. When I noticed that stained glass Discord moves, I began to listen to what's going on.
"I know where to look. In the maze." Said, lavender unicorn.
"Well Twilight. Go forth and find elements of harmony." Said Celestia to six mares. They went to the exit.
*Soon. The elements must be hidden somewhere. There is only one person who knows it. * I said to myself, then went behind them. * How many times do I have to tell you Patract? I will not work with Discord. He isn't applicable. * I replied.
When I was in a maze, I couldn't shake the feeling that I'm not where I should have. I decided to ignore it. I watched as 6 mares were separated. When I was sure that they couldn't hear me, I went to the maze. "That's the list." I said in a monotone and tried to walk through it, but they pushed me. "He had to enchant them." I said to myself. I took out the scissors for plant and cut a hole in my shape. I crossed to the other side, a loss in the wall to overgrown. "One for me. The rest all the rest." I said to myself.
Some time later
The entire maze was gone, and I had to go through 59 walls to learn the maze and so it had gone. Discord ... I see him and his victim. I started running toward him. "DISCORD!" I screamed at the top on my lungs. He turned toward me and I saw his big surprise. He snapped his fingers and around me grow a wall of earth. I didn't give up and dialed the number 64448627301987. next to me appeared a large, mechanical bear known as Nightmare. I pointed to the wall, and he destroyed it with one blow. I went outside and pointed Nightmare its purpose. Discord. He began to run toward him, which made me impression. Nightmare ran faster than any human. Discord panicked and tried to escape, but Nightmare got hold him. I went to Discord, who was held by Nightmare. "You'll pay for it." I said dryly, but Discord disappeared. "Damn!"
"Who are you?!" Twilight asked, startled. I looked at her in confusion, but remembered nightmare. I picked up the phone and immediately put it down. Nightmare disappeared.
"Where are my manners? I'm ..." I was interrupted.
"PHONE GUY!" Screamed furious Celestia.
"Yeah. Don't bother. I'm going to be nice." I said, annoyed. She snapped at me magical bolt, making a hole in my head that a healed. "Seriously? You know, that didn't work the first time, when Luna shot me." I said, annoyed.
"Ohhh. Someone's crying what? Buhuhu." Said gray-yellow mare. I looked at her with eyes that could burn through the wall. I shot at her, my power. She fell to the ground, but then got up rubbing her head. "W... what happen?" She asked softly. Twilight and Celestia looked at me in shock and surprise.
"What have you done?" Asked Celestia.
"I undiscorded her. Not at all." I said indignantly. "Now. You turned me to stone doesn't have the right. Think. I had a bad day. I was transported to another world, I had the misfortune of Discord and had to learn what and how. It was my bad day, and instead understand you turned me in stone. What's wrong with you? " I told angry. Celestia stood in shock, and Twilight stared at her in disbelief.
"I ... I ... I'm sorry." Celestia said sadly.
"You see. You always worsen the situation and ... Wait. What ?!" I shouted the last part. After what I did today, I should be insulted, beaten, whatever.
"I don't know that it was your bad day. Also I get these days." She said quietly. I stood there thinking nothing. Suddenly I was attacked by bolt of magic.
'Tis not threaten my sister! " Screamed Luna. She wanted to attack again, but was cut off Celestia.
"Luna no. He isn't bad. It was a misunderstanding." Celestia said. Luna looked on between me and her sister.
"But..."
"No." Celestia said firmly. Then she looked at me. "You can undiscorded Twilight friend?" Asked Celestia. I clapped my hands to create fire in both of them.
"I do it." I said, but extinguished the flames. "But provided that you let me do what I want." I said.
"Respect Equestria, and you can do what you want." Celestia said.
"If you don't have what you like, then you like what you have." I said. Then I fired flame in the remaining mares. Quickly then each of them returned to normal.
"What about the Rainbow?" Twilight asked.
"Ops. My mistake." I said. Then I quickly turn the hand and go, I threw a fireball very far. "That should do the trick." I said, rubbing my hands.
"Thank you." Celestia said. Suddenly I felt the rain. Chocolate rain.
"This Discord is driving me crazy." I said under my breath. "I'm going to meet Discord.I Show him where Ihave his antics." I said. Then I dialed 7426866037333902014 and next to me appeared Phantom Freddy. He put his hand on my shoulder and teleported us to the town. Then he disappeared. "Time to find the Menace." I said.
"You again. When you finally let go?" Asked angry Discord. I looked back and saw that he was sitting on a throne.
"I will forgive when you pay for what you did to me." I said. He looked at me in confusion.
"What have I done?" He asked distracted. I looked at him in disbelief.
"You wanted to make me your slave." I said, groaning. He just hit in the face.
"I was going to make a helper. Not a slave." He said firmly.
"Same thing." I said without conviction.
"I think not." Denied Discord.
"Discord" Screamed Twilight. Me and Discord looked at her. Twilight and her friends wore jewelry items.
"It's my time." I said while walking. Discord suddenly grabbed me by the shirt and pulled my toward him.
"Oh, no. You're going with me." He said firmly. Then he looked at the Twilight and her friends. "And you can't stop me." He said proudly.
"But you know that I undiscorded them?" I asked. He looked at me and then look at and rejected me. Then he tried to take items out of the mare.
"Oh, no. Don't get away on this time." I said. Then I dialed 627466388301983 and next to me appeared marionette. I pointed to Discord, and she nodded. Then she jumped on Discord and attacked him. Mares fired a rainbow on Discord. He began to change into stone, and when it was over, the whole chaos was gone. "Much better." I said happily.
"Uh ... Mr. Phone Guy." Said softly yellow mare. I looked at her, and she slightly hid behind her mane. "I want to thank you for your help." She said.
"Uh huh. As for that. I didn't help. I will be my revenge. I'm the one with the type of badguy." I said and put on sunglasses. Beside me, Freddy phantom appeared and put his hand on my shoulder. "Nerds!" I screamed and started laughing. Before they can do anything, phantom Freddy teleported me on a field. "I'm Phone Guy. Madman of rock. I am neither good nor bad. I'm doing what belongs to me. But now. I'll have fun." I said cheerfully going in the direction of the rising moon.
By one riddled to explore all ways that might be come! Retrieve footingly from alien distressages, by retale of passage and happenings. That which goes, whence return? But PANTS! Pants of infinite volume! To say the correct; what?
I would remove pretty much everything here in favour of an actual description of your story. Why would people want to read this, what is your story going to offer that is either interesting or new.
This makes no sense and just seems to be here randomly.
Once again irrelevant/ would be better put in the author notes.
Not to be too harsh but this is just drivel. We learn nothing about the actual story plot. Who is Phone guy why do we care if he is powerful and unusual. What purpose does her serve. What is the story idea, plot. Nothing about the intro alone interests me or others. A short bio should give us a summary of who is the main character, why are they in Equestria and so on. Give the readers a brief idea of what they are going to read and the general idea of the story
Once again better put in the author notes.
A few glaring grammatical errors and so on but I am not qualified to correct that but what I will correct is, who the fuck si Phone Guy. We have no idea who this character is.
in blue shirt with rolled-up sleeves and jeans, but without the telephone, instead of the head.
Not sure what you are meaning by convection.
Not a good way to introduce a character. A friend or acquaintance saying his name would have fit better. The audience does not need to know the main character's name straight away.
Gather what?
Once again not sure why convection is relevant here. Also "started my way convection" it should be "and started my way to the convention"
Just so you know convertion is far different than convention Convection is the concerted, collective movement of groups or aggregates of molecules within fluids (liquids, gases) and rheids,.
The jump from him going to what I assume is a "convention" and being at the convention is sort of rushed. Hell we do not even get a break away scene. Also what questions. Did he get lost, was he asking question about the convention itself. You are too vague here.
Also no need to add the "by the way." You are telling a story not conversing with someone.
End of what? The end of the convention, end of the waiting line to get in. we are stumbling around in the dark trying to figure out where he is and what is going on.
Name a few, "I saw many people dressed in weird and wonderful costumes from popular movies and games to the more obscure characters.
Impressed about what, about how many people where there, the costumes, the decoration what?
Way to vague. "Stand with things" tells us nothing, tell us about what is in this convention hall. Describe the room, the atmosphere hell even the smell.
This is just flat out lazy or at the very least poorly written. I saw an interesting stand. what made it interesting, did it have merchandise that the character liked or did it have unique or weird items on display. Also started to browse I thought he was on a tour. Did the tour end? Why bother mentioning the tour if you do not even describe anything about it or the person giving the tour.
Honestly this part stumped me. "the employee, Freddy Fazbear diner" Is this the person asking the question if so why is it included in the quotation marks? And if that is the case then why add Asked the salesman. Is he saying can I help you employee. Is the guy making a joke about the person's costume?
There was only a merchant in one and that was Resident evil 4 this is more nick picking but still better to be specific. Also instead of "as" use "like" or "similarly to the merchant from resident evil 4"
You sort of lost me again at this point. Is the merchant implying he has something that the Main character would want. and if so why not have him mention Dans costume first?
Took a big red phone what? Did he take the big red phone to the market, did he take it to his mothers. I would suggest writing. "The merchant produced a large mask in the shape of a bright red phone." Another thing I have noticed is that you do not given any depth to what you write. You tell us the phone is red but what else is it dull, bright, damaged, old, brand new, strange. You need to give detail so readers can build up a mental image of the story.
Anyway I am sure there are others that can do a better job than me so I wish you the best and would heavily suggest getting proof and beta readers. Not only that but maybe checking out a few blogs and reading a few stories written by talented authors. Stories by Anonymous Pegasus or wanderer D would be good place to start.
And as a final note I would say just keep practising your English you will get there. Good luck with writing.
Rewrite
my brain exploded reading this but here is a song
Pretty great job mate.