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Based on an idea from DeathWing118
After caring for and developing feelings for a lost, amnesia ridden stallion who was found stumbling out of the Everfree Forest, Fluttershy discovers that he is not the pony he said he was, or even a pony at all for that matter.
Cover Art by Drauguzislt. Find the full version here
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Relatively simple so far, but in MLP it works well. The dialogue feels a bit hasty on Fluttershy's part. She's usually a little more thoughtful from what I've been able to tell of her, but overall without being too picky this is not bad, so far.
I would suggest scanning through and double checking your grammar. I noticed some missing quote marks, some periods that should be question marks, etcetera. Otherwise, doing good so far.
The emotional changes were pretty rapid here. It fits well with Fluttershy, and it seems you're doing a bit better at her now. She still feels a little off to me, but I'm no expert so you may want to ask someone who knows a bit better than I do.
Oh, just realized that was the end! Any chance there's a second series or something? This feels very unfinished and I would very much like to read more. Please give me a shout if there is, thanks.
A bit rushed, but I'd like a sequel for sure.
Greetings my friend! Long time no PMs or comments, eh? How are you doing buddy?
6795376
Well, these past few months have been hell, but things are hopefully finally starting to get better now. How are you doing?
6793547
First of all, thank you for actually providing plenty of constructive criticism, I rarely see that anymore. It's either this story is good or I didn't like this, more or less. I definitely appreciate feedback like yours. As for Fluttershy's character, I'm trying to emphasize the Fluttershy the show has been developing throughout season 4 and 5 rather than the standard. How about I'm going for a Fluttershy that's emerging from her shell. As for the ending, I left it that way for a reason. I felt it was a good place to stop because I had finished getting across what I had wanted to with this story and also because it left plenty of room for continuation which I may be doing here in the future with a sequel or short series. I'm glad that it was enough to leave you wanting more. Oh, and as for the grammar, I've never been a good proofreader haha. I read through my stories once or twice before posting them and still miss plenty of mistakes. I read my stories like they are in my mind rather than what they are on the page which is probably the issue.
6795878 Ah, makes sense. ^-^ I haven't seen any "new" episodes and the last I heard was there was a pony stealing cutie marks and I read the gist of what happens, but from then on I haven't seen any episodes, sorry. So I'm a little behind.
The grammar was no big deal, just a few minor things here and there. It doesn't take away from your story at all so you're fine.
Glad I could be of help to you! I look forward to more, if you find yourself able to produce a sequel.
6795823 I've been dong alright, my good sir. A little depressed over Christmas due to lack of snow, and the fact that a lot of people around me had someone to snuggle up to by a warm fireplace, but knowing I still have my family made me feel a little better.
I'll snag a girl someday. I hope.
In the meantime, I'm aiming to make this year the year I finally get stuff moving along. I wanna get my YouTube channel properly progressing along, do a few more stories for this site, and start up a poster/t-shirt shop online to promote some of my works.
A lot of stuff in addition to those goals are there also, but I feel that I'll succeed. I've got the support of my amazing fans and subscribers behind me and I feel alive in the moment of a new year to make the world know my name.
SEQUAL PLZ!!
Nice start, Fluttershy seems to be in character. Let's continue!
Cya
Raziel-chan
Even Fluttershy is not that naive. I can't read this... Bye.
I liked the setup, but I think the story was resolved too fast.
Previous chapters set up Fluttershy's concern, her friends' reactions to the new pony, and the changeling's fear of discovery. It would take more than a few minutes of talking to work through these conflicts. If Fluttershy distrusts changelings that much, it's going to take more time to go from "maybe" to "I believe you." If Sunny Skies is that afraid of his vulnerable and unfamiliar situation, he's not going to feel comfortable just because Fluttershy knows he's a changeling.
Maybe it's just my interpretation, but I was disappointed that some things that were hinted at in earlier chapters never came to pass. When the changeling couldn't decide what to do, it seemed like he was conflicted between choosing his old hated but familiar life and his new happy but vulnerable one. His eager questioning suggested that when he moved in, he was learning how to replace Fluttershy. None of that came out in the end.
It seems forced that Fluttershy thinks of "Sunny Skies sent the changeling" without considering "Sunny Skies is the changeling."
The changeling doesn't seem to hate himself as much as this line implies.
This story was wonderful and a bit emotional. It was a bit rushed though, but I love it. Can you write a squeal please? Unless if you have other plans. I was really into this story when I first read it.
I finally just finished it and thought it was really good. The pacing was a little rushed but you were able to develop Sunny's character and his relationship with Fluttershy so it was believable (which is usually my problem with fast paced/rushed stories). In fact, the ending may be the weakest part of the story only due to how fast it was resolved, but it wasn't enough to bring the story down on its own.
All in all it is a great story; love what you did with the concept, the amnesia thing was clever, LOVED that line with Pinkie, and I would love to see where this story will lead should you continue with a sequel and/or prequel.
Whatever you choose to do I'll be looking forward to it.
She's really stricken, isn't she?
Time for the big reveal!
I really enjoyed this, would love to see a sequel. :)
6798330 goodbye.
Yeah I could totally dig a sequel.
I would absolutely love for there to be a sequel to this story it was great I loved it so much I want there to be a second one so much
6798330 Trade Ya!
I hope you're still up for this?
Because if you're not, I'm about to waste sooo much time...
So, let's dive right into it, shall we?
Right after the first chapter, someone pointed out that Fluttershy wouldn't be that naive and he/she would stop reading at that point because of your portrayal of her character. That's fine, really - if someone can't endure it, he or she shouldn't force him- or herself to do it. It's already the wrong way if you have to 'endure' literature at all.
BUT. He/she got a point of sorts. Fluttershy - contrary to what Rainbow pointed out - isn't gullible. Or naive. She always wants the best for everypony, right. She wants to help. And she avoids conflict. That's just... good, old-fashioned altruism with a piece of pacifism. She's an animal care taker. She probably knows quite a lot about afflictions, pony physiology and more. And considering he knew who Twilight and friends were, 'the Canterlot invasion' already happened - so she additionally knew at least a few things about changelings, as well.
Let's get through step by step. There's a confused looking stallion at the border to the Everfree. She rushed to help him. Is that Fluttershy? Totally. He's faking a story about amnesia and comes up with a strangely fitting name. She buys it. Is that Fluttershy? Totally! She takes him in, trying to nurse him back to health. He's not eating much, though. She doesn't suspect anything just yet. Is that Fluttershy? Still: Totally, jeppers.
Then... things start to get weird after they go shopping. So AJ asking what she wanted to know is perfectly fine - Rainbow getting instantly suspicious... is fine as well. She always had a knack for being a little overprotective of her friends, hadn't she? Even Fluttershy being more assertive while 'defending' him is fine.
And suddenly, we've got a little leap in time. Days and weeks. Hey, hoh, wow - what?
The problem here is: Everypony just... swallowed his story? Or ignored that she shut the rest of the world out? What was going on there, exactly? Fluttershy just... avoided her friends, or what? Because if she didn't, they surely would've brought that topic up again and again - "what about that strange fellow living in your house?" And Rainbow, not buying it from second one onward, surely would've tried to 'protect Fluttershy from gullible Fluttershy' by... I dunno. Something. Maybe searching for clues to who he really is by walking around the Everfree. Maybe by observing him secretly. Something like that. Anything, really. She wouldn't just leave her longtime friend with a complete stranger in one house all night and day for weeks. That's seriously dangerous.
Furthermore, there was this little line... one chapter back, I think? So Fluttershy is completely head over hooves for that stallion, right? Yeah... why? Because he's showing interest? That's... not a high bar. Because he's nice to animals? So's Tree Hugger? Because she's hetero? How about Big Mac? Because... he's strange and mysterious and... yeah, she's not Rarity, either. Thing is: She knows absolutely nothing about him.
If you love someone, you love that person for who he is. With all the flaws, quirks and perks coming with that personality. She doesn't know anything - so what's she falling in love with? Her idea of him? How he might be? That doesn't really seem to be... fair, does it? Even worse: Now she just seems... desperate.
To the point where that one little line came up and really freaked me out. She depended on this relationship. She grew to need it. Wow. That's not only desperate. That's waaay further. Getting to the border of creepy-town. A relationship is the union between two unique personalities. Melting into one grayish, unified mass is just... horrible and unhealthy. If you become depended on a relationship, things go downhill fast.
That brings us to this last chapter. His... surprise. Oh boy, he isn't the brightest one, is he? Waiting in her home in his natural form. That was his great idea? What kind of reaction did he expect? A nice little "who are you?" So, she's running away. He's chasing her. In his natural form. Still not the brightest idea. It needs exactly one pony randomly taking a walk around these parts to spread a changeling-panic in all of Ponyville and let the rest of the Elements of Harmony march up, armed and ready to blast some new holes.
So, somehow, miraculously, she stops and listens. He obviously lied to her. So... why does she trust him suddenly? Without any explanation at all? Everything he's saying is "trust me, because I'm me, really!" Everything she feared? It could still be true. Sunny Skies, for all she knows, could still be dead, back at her home. This could be an enemy attempting to postpone the warning Ponyville gets for another changeling-invasion. And she's totally falling for it. Is that Fluttershy? No. No way. She avoids conflict, yes, she is always helpful, yes - but never at the expanse of quite a lot of others. All of Ponyville, all of her friends, probably even all of Equestria, could be at risk just because she decided to stop running and screaming for dear life.
So, she believes him. Because... why not. He's Sunny. The stallion that, apparently, quite obviously, lied to her for weeks. About almost everything. She's not freaked out, no. She still loves him dearly... that... stallion she never knew in the first place... is it because of that dependency-stuff? Because, well... keeping him around in her house and sharing her job with him is... a little... much, isn't it? Usually, before you move in with someone, you have dates. A lot. And get to know each other. (A lot!) And you kiss. And have sex. Or don't. But there's a healthy, long term-relationship, before you move in with someone. That, again, just makes her look desperate. Sooo desperate.
And that's just sad.
It was an interesting premise. Right up until that leap. Others called it 'rash execution', 'problems with pacing' and the like. I tried to be a bit more detailed. Hope it helps. Somehow.
Have a good night!
That was a sweet little story.
But honestly that last chapter almost killed it for me. I can't believe after spending weeks with Fluttershy, Sunny wouldn't assume Fluttershy would bolt after seeing him so suddenly and wouldn't rather of sat her down and slowly explained things. I can buy Fluttershy not believing that he was a changling while in a state of panic but his chances had to be astronomically better with the methodical approach compared to what he did.
Also the ending wrapped up a bit quick for me. I realize with how long this was, fleshing things out perfectly would be impossible. And now that I think back I'm glad it was so short. Once in a while it's nice not devoting hours or even weeks worth of reading time in a story.
Short, sweet, fun. thanks for the read!
To my surprise, I really like this. This has the coveted Truthseeker seal of approval (I'm an asshole and very critical so this is rare indeed).
That was and great fanfic and I would love if it had a sequel