- Member Since 7th Jan, 2015
- offline last seen Oct 11th, 2016
Miss Marionette
I, like changelings, need love and adoration to survive...But, my stories getting it instead will suffice.
Miss Marionette
Joined 7th Jan, 2015 ·
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This was very enjoyable, however I am nitpicking so I give you a 9.9999/10
Ho. Ly. Fuck.
Futa? Check.
Horsecock(!) futa? Check.
Horsecock on human female?!? Check!
Horsecock on human female anal!
HO-SWEETLUNA-LY YES I NEED THIS.
What a lovely grouping of fetishs. I suddenly desire more of this.
(Great 'effing work!)
6785747 Ah, a pleasure to be of service to those in need of something that goes a little like this~!
Loved it! And boy was I surprised and pleased to find them going straight to anal! Heh, sorry, just a big kink of mine. Also, I really liked how sweet and trusting both Sunset and Twilight were with each other. So overall, really sweet and very hot! Thanks for writing and sharing this, and have a happy new year! :D
... Um... More?
6785891
Yeah, which makes me surprised with its low view count.
6799090 Ah, but to me, I value them all!
I enjoyed the scene overall but I have some nitpicks over how you worded things.
To say 'It is only 8:42' implies she has time, and it's immediately followed up with terror.
First, Twilight wakes up at 8:42 and we're told that's early; then she looks at the calendar to see it's Saturday and therefore not late to school. These are contradicting ideas.
And at the beginning everything was "lovely". Where pancakes, bacon, and sausage each got 2 adjectives to describe their greatness, the waffles were apparently bland (and weren't they french toast just a minute earlier?) and grouped with cereal.
The dialogue was a tad thick for my tastes - too wordy and clunky for the sake of clearness to the reader left it inorganic feeling (but I did enjoy their teasing each other).
Points for consistence and making a vivid scene. I do like the details you included.
A quick read-through would do wonders: "Sunset’s blush balls slapping against Twilight’s read" indeed. Also "five friend's" should be "five friends" and "her's" (in "everything in it was her’s") should be "hers"
How about just leaving this as "Incomplete," and writing a chapter for it whenever. Please?
6949688 Cause it is a commissioned piece, and I didn't expect to ever be writing a second chapter.
6949890 Could still ask the commissioner if it's ok to keep expanding on it occasionally.
"that cock" is a bit overused.
other than that...perfect juicy fun
6956907 Alas, there aren't many words for it besides cock, dick, penis, yeah...
6957161
i'm not saying the word itself is overused (though it might be), but it being mostly used in combination with "that".
6959033 Aaahh. That I can definitely see as being an issue
6959035 Member, penis, cock, dick, boner, loveslab, Twilight's joystick, shaft, genitals, anal impaler, love muscle, pecker, third leg, schlong.. the list goes on and on in my vocabulary.
6961772 Thank you. I'll remember a few of those, believe it or not.
6961790 If you need more, feel free to ask or pm me.
I hope sunset gives it to twilight in the ass. that would be hot
I really liked the affection and trust, there. It definitely felt like love with the making love; almost like a clop-based signifier of Sunset's character growth. Mix that in with VERY good show not tell of a well developed, comfortable relationship, and it becomes very believable that the shyer human Twi could be ready for this. Huzzah!
Damn this is pretty entertaining sex life these 2 have. Hopefully a new chapter is coming soon.
Is it still incomplete?
Yes, Twilight, you are.