It only takes one.... okay, maybe more than just one.
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Sunset was mysteriously sent a new telescope for her birthday. Twilight has been reading a book on the stars, the constellations, and the galaxies. A quiet night. A clear sky with stars twinkling off in the distant reaches of the universe. Just the two of them.
This story takes place Post-Friendship Games.
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My very first thought is that the first and second sentences in the description have different verb tenses.
Adorable but I wish there was a little more to the story
No offense
6904913 Thank you for the compliment. I'm sorry about it not being much, I'm not really much a writer, I can manage short little one shots like these.
6905308 one shots are always pretty cool
The good:
Cute story. I like the subtle interaction between the two that only hints at possible romantic feelings. The story, while short, nicely depicts a quiet evening between two friends.
The bad:
Leaving a mystery character (the sender of the telescope) unresolved, especially when Twilight teases the reader with possible knowledge their identity, is kind of a bummer.
The dialogue seems a bit clunky at times. There are quite a few grammatical errors. Sunset seems a bit OOC, in that she gets upset at Twilight mildly poking fun at her test scores, and seems clueless when it comes to astronomy, despite being a student prodigy (albeit of magic) and her mentor being able to literally manipulate heavenly bodies.
The "wut?":
"sasami or sushi or something…" Guessing you mean "sashimi", but is that a typo or a random shoutout to Tenchi fans?
"Moon fragments...its shattered glory...the many pieces that float in its wake." Ummm... what happened to the moon?
PS- these are just my opinions and observations, so please don't punch me Saitama
7018660 Thinks for the critiques. I appreciate that and I hope to improve in the future and don't worry I won't punch ya......unless you want ya to that is.
No, thank you!
A one shot for one punch!!! XD
7213799 I gotta align with my themes after all.
7433594 Thank you. Coming from writing legend such as yourself, I'm absolutely honored.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8omf2GYyd1rwcc6bo1_250.gif
Ya might wanna look at the grammar, spelling and the missing words once again
She's got a point.
Daaaaang