Description:
Twilight Sparkle falls ill with a mysterious affliction, and seeks out a hermetic pony in the Everfree Forest. Twilight and the rest of the mane 6 are transported to a strange land, full of beauty and danger.
Author's Notes:
1 - This is my first fanfic, so throw all the criticism you can at me!
2 - Even if you have no criticism, please comment anyway.
3 - If you don't understand something, or if I left a plot hole somewhere, please let me know.
4 - The characters will develop throughout the story, so they will most likely go off on a huge tangent from the canon versions.
Stats:
3 parts, which will have varying lengths.
First couple chapters are pretty short, but the rest are around 1000 words.
A Monster Hunter Tri and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic crossover.
Most of the story takes place in Minegarde ( The Monster Hunter world), but starts out in Equestria.
Characters:
OC
Mane 6
Spike (minor role)
Human Mane 6
Human OC
Many supporting characters, all of whom don't exist in either continuum. (So I guess that makes them OCs.)
Cover art by XanderReh over on DA.
http://xanderreh.deviantart.com/
Hey good job so far; it's written very well! I definitely liked the dialogue. Just my personal opinion, but it felt like Ch. 2 ended a little abruptly. Other than that though, keep up the good work. I think you could definitely pull off a more in depth fic if you tried your hand at it--like I said, besides a few very small grammar things and whatnot (like some extra details here and there, and maybe things moving more slowly), you've got good solid writing.
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Thanks! I kinda just sat down and wrote it without any proofreading, so it's a little sloppy in that sense. i use a simple text editor (JDarkroom) for my writing, so the format might be a little off.
Again, thanks for the feedback, and I hope you stick around to check out the rest once they're done!
Twilight Sparkle and gang sucked up into the stars? Sounds completely harmless! /sarcasm
Anyway, good job so far. Once again I like your dialogue. I'm interested in what those manuscripts about alicorns said, as well as why Gaul was living out in the forest. I'm guessing he was exiled, but apparently he never claimed ownership of his work, so maybe he exiled himself?
Keep up the good work man!
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I kinda forgot to mention it in the story, but it's implied that alicorns are visitors from another plane, thus the immense power of Celestia, Luna, and Cadence. ( So basically they're all aliens from beyond the stars. :/ )And because being an alicorn is kinda abnormal in Ponyville, Gaul hides out in the forest to avoid attention. He also built the observatory so he could search for that one constellation that might be able to take him home. ( he's an alien too. )Did i mention that he can't fly? ( his wings are too small XD )
762093
Oh so he's an alicorn too--how'd I miss that? And they're from beyond the stars? That's a pretty cool idea, one I certainly haven't seen before. I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes.
Interesting. I look forward to more!
Peggy from Ibrony, by the way.
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Hi Peggy! The next part of the story will take place in Gaul's homeland (Minegarde), so it will probably be very different than the first. (more of an action/adventure story, if you will)
BTW, that was really fast reading, even by my standards. Do you read many novels, or just fanfics?
782947 I'll read literally anything I can get my hands on, novels, fanfic, whatever.
785490
Cool!
My family is notorious for reading. We sometimes joke that if our house caught fire, and we saw a soup can on the way out, we would stop to read the label.
785680 I do that all the time with instruction manuals and safety precautions on furniture.
that was pretty good, but i think you jumped into things a bit quickly.
How was Celestia suppose to know the exact time Twi got palefade, then have time to write her right after?
thats just about the only problem i can find.
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That was intentional. As I explained earlier to Goodman, she's an alien. Alicorns = Aliens in my story. I'll go back and edit the explanation in later.
"I kinda forgot to mention it in the story, but it's implied that alicorns are visitors from another plane, thus the immense power of Celestia, Luna, and Cadence. ( So basically they're all aliens from beyond the stars. :/ )And because being an alicorn is kinda abnormal in Ponyville, Gaul hides out in the forest to avoid attention. He also built the observatory so he could search for that one constellation that might be able to take him home. ( he's an alien too. )Did i mention that he can't fly? ( his wings are too small XD )"
Did you read the other chapters yet?
The story is just getting better, isn't it?
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I just had a case of the giggles after reading this.
'Hi, yeah you're going to die. There's a rumor that just one guy has ever survived it and he's hiding in the Everfree Forest. Maybe you should, I don't know, go there? I know it sounds dubious, but you have nothing better to do right? Not like I care, I mean you're just my personal student right?'
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Glad to hear it. Did you get a chance to read the rest of the chapters? The story gets a lot better after chapter 1, so if you would take the time to read the rest, I would greatly appreciate it.
Gee whiz I finally got around to reading this--life always has to get in the way. Anyway, about the chapter!
Things have definitely gotten intriguing. I'm very interested in this world they're in, wherever or whatever 'this world' is. There are a few suggestions I would like to make, though--just some things I think might help out a little. For one, I think a little extra detail would really help the reader imagine your story in their heads. For example, what does this new world look like? Is it bright and sunny, or dark and cloudy; is it hot or cold? Is the hill they're on grassy, or a tall or short hill? You described Gaul's house and the how the jungle was flooded, but before that I was having a bit of a hard time imagining them on the hill--I couldn't really picture anything, because I had no idea what it looked like. Perhaps it was just me, but I think some more description would really help with that. It's a pain in the butt to think of and write, but it really helps the reader. Otherwise they miss out on your story, and no one wants that to happen.
I was also very curious about what their new bodies looked like--are they in human form? It seemed like that's what you were getting at, with rainbow asking about hands. That does bring up the small issue of how she even knew the word hand to begin with--though she would know what paws are, and actually spike does kind of have hands, so maybe she would know. Anyhoo, some description on what they look like now would definitely help, because again I had no idea what to picture in my head.
I'm also guessing humans because you used human terminology during Gaul's memory: 'child', 'man' and so forth, instead of 'foal', or 'colt' or 'stallion'. Now this is just me, but personally I feel that the main six would react a little more upon finding they have new bodies, especially if they look and function very differently (again, without description, we don't know how different they are). I imagine Rarity freaking out about losing her beautiful body, but still thinking her knew one looks fabulous (or hoping, anyway). Pinkie would probably be the only one not upset (though maybe she would). Seeing their reactions is the fun part (and this goes for anything that happens in a fic, I think), because the readers care about the characters, right? They're the ones we know and love, and it's why we read fanfiction in the first place. I know you know this already, so I don't mean to sound like I'm talking down to you, or lecturing you here. These are simply the reasons I think it's nice (and important too, really) to add things like how the mane six react to things, like new bodies, in a fic. We want to see how it affects them, and how they react to it. Something little like this doesn't have to dominate the story, obviously, but I think people notice when it's missing. It makes the writing more difficult for sure, but it's worth it, and I think you're totally capable to handling it.
One last thing. Gaul is blind, but was he like that back in Equestria too, or only in his home world? You might have described him as wearing a blindfold before, but I probably missed it. Anyway, since he's blind, how was he able to tell that Pinkie wasn't happy? I like that he cheers her up, but did he sense it? Could he tell because she was abnormally quiet, and because he hasn't known her very long, he was just making a bit of a guess? (Because he doesn't know her very well, he can't really tell if her silence is strange, but since Pinkie is soooo eccentric, he would be able to notice it and make a guess that she might not be happy, especially considering the circumstance). Also, how do her other friends react to her sadness?
That was pretty much it. Now I say all these things knowing that I haven't even published a fic here yet, so you're way ahead of me in that regard. I am writing one, so I know how difficult it can be to get things right. You start off with this perfect vision in your head, but when you go to put in on paper, things get lost in communication somewhere. So I'm not all condemning your fic here--besides if I didn't want to read it I wouldn't be here. These were just some things I noticed and wanted to mention. I mean, no story is perfect, but as the writer you want to make it the best you can, right? And really, you don't have to listen to anything I've said. My word isn't law, and writing isn't a science either.
As usual, I'm looking forward to seeing the next chapter. Keep up the good work StormkingArcana
P.S. I'm glad you're keeping dialogue, because not only does it help a story and keep readers interested, but like I've said you've got a good knack for it.
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With regards to the description, I think it could use some more details as well. I'll get to work on that soon.
I'll explain a bit here before I change up the story.
-Yes, everyone is a human now. I'll add in a section about their reactions.
-Gaul is eyeless in his human body only, That's why he had such a hard time adjusting to being blind again. He uses his other senses to compensate, but he has a limited ability to sense emotion and other intangible things.
Thank you for the feedback, I probably would have missed those if you hadn't let me know. I'll go back and fix the issues later.
I'm glad you managed to find something wrong with the writing, because I know it's not perfect.
884473
Not problem at all, dude. We learn with every sentence we write--I don't think anyone can ever (or should ever) reach a point where they stop learning about writing and story telling. The important thing is that you care.
You know, after I wrote my first chapter, I ran it by someone, and afterwards ended up rewriting the entire thing. My fic is constantly changing and growing, and that's just part of the game. I wouldn't be surprised if I rewrote it again. Don't think that's what I'm telling you to do though. I just want you to know I'm in the same boat as you when it comes to fixing things. Personally, it's hard for me when others point out things about my writing that could use improvement. I mean as an author you're so involved in your story, and it's impossible to look at with fresh eyes. Not to mention that a story someone has written is going to be personal to them, and when others critique it can be tough.
But as I said, you care, and as long as you do, you will always improve, and that's all that anyone can ask. You definitely have it where it counts.
Oh and don't feel like you have to rush to fix everything I mention, or fix it at all. If it makes sense and you agree with it, then yeah, but if you don't agree at all then don't bother. You're not writing this story for me, and sooner or later you'll see for yourself if you or me or whoever was right or wrong. I just don't want you to feel like my word is law or something. I've always had an issue with people who act like that, whether they really are right or not.
Anyway, good luck!
EDIT: Changed the beginning of chapter 4 in order to make more sense.
Thanks for reading!
Good chapter, I enjoyed it, as well as getting to see some new characters. A talking cat eh? I was not expecting that one. I feel like you definitely bumped up your detail, and it helps a lot--good show!
I'm surprised the ponies (well, human-fied ponies) are taking being told this place is their new home so lightly--I wonder if they are gonna try and escape?
wow, the first first-time fic with no raging idiots out to cause you grief
you are a very luck person, and a talented writer :)
Boy, it's been a while, hasn't? Glad to see you're still writing though. Ha, I keep forgetting Gaul is blind--you'll mention it in the story, and I'll be like "oh yeah!" Wonder what city they're headed to? Anyway, keep it up!
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if it's near the great desert, then it's probably Loc-Lac
I'm glad there's a good Mh crossover, I can't find many
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Ha, that's what happens when you know nothing about the crossover material.
I'm just gonna put this on hiatus for now. Don't worry, I'm just taking a break from this story until I become more skilled. I'll definitely pick this back up later.