---Chapter 4 // Atop Sorrow Hill---
Gaul woke to darkness. Startled, his first instinct was to reach for his weapon. He frantically reached over to his right side, and his hand closed on something smooth and soft. Gaul immediately pulled his hand away.
“That’s NOT my axe!”
Rainbow Dash’s voice echoed out of the blackness.
“What do you think you’re doing to Fluttershy?!”
“Wait, what was I doing?”
“Don’t play dumb with me! I saw you groping her! Take this!”
Something hard struck Gaul’s nose. He recoiled in pain, and the taste of blood filled his mouth.
“What’s going on? I can’t see anything!”
The blows kept coming, relentlessly. Gaul groaned and curled up in a ball.
“That’s enough! It’s obvious that he’s injured.“ said Fluttershy, who had woken up by then.
Dash snorted in disgust, but stopped beating on Gaul.
“He should be!”
“Dash! I’m sure he didn’t mean any harm. Besides, that’s no way to treat someone who saved the life of your friend.”
---
The group was sitting around a tree, at the top of a large hill. The grass was swaying in the light breeze. The tree was thin and withered, but was deeply rooted in the hilltop. Although small and ancient, the tree stood firm, a steady sign in the ocean of grass.
Rainbow Dash looked around for a moment, then stopped with a startled look on her face.
“Where did my wings go?”
Gaul was happy to provide an explanation.
“I have no freaking clue.”
Gaul sat up, and rubbed his face. As his hands passed over his blindfold, memories filled his mind. Running, climbing, fighting, a thousand images passed through his head. He remembered a life he seemed not to have lived.
Fluttershy checked for her wings too, and they were missing as well.
“Hey Dash? You might want to take a look at the rest of us. I don’t think we’re still ponies. Gaul, do you know anything about these new bodies?”
Gaul remembered some things, but many of his memories were still vague and cloudy.
“I think so, but I feel like I’ve been in this one forever. I’m something called a ‘human’. Try moving around a bit to get a feel for things. Most of it should be instinctual, so don’t worry too much about it.
---
Dash turned to look quizzically at Gaul.
“Why do you wear that cloth strip around your face anyway? It seems like that would be the reason you can’t see anything.”
Gaul untied the blindfold, and was surprised when the world around him was still dark. The others had awoken by that time, and Rarity’s jaw dropped in surprise.
“Where are your eyes?”
Gaul thought about it, and more images ran through his head. A hateful family abandoning a eyeless child in a blizzard, wishing for its death. A kind, yet firm man, who discovered the child half-frozen and unconscious lying in a cave. A fearsome white dragon about to feast on the child, suddenly felled by a single quick stroke from the man’s axe. The child was him, Gaul realized with a shock.
---
Applejack stood up with a jolt.
“What was that? Did everyone else see it too?”
The rest of the group nodded their heads in agreement.
“I suppose that answers the question. He was born without eyes, and everyone hated him. His family tried to kill him by abandoning him during a snowstorm, but he was saved by a ‘Hunter’. Somehow he can ‘see’ with his other senses. I can’t tell you how I know this, but it’s true.”
---
Twilight walked over to give her ideas.
“I would suppose that, given our current forms, we somehow left Equestria and our pony bodies, and landed here with these new ones. Wherever ‘here’ is...”
Gaul seemed to agree.
“My memories tell me that we’re somewhere my people call Minegarde, which would be my homeland. Specifically, we are standing on Sorrow Hill, because the tomb of an ancient king lies below the hill. “
“I can sense a jungle not too far to the west, that’s where my house is. We can all stay there for the night.”
---
As the group traveled towards the jungle, Gaul walked along in silence. He was thinking about his new-found memories, and what the meant for his life here. He was clearly blind, as the blackness around him indicated. How did he preform all those near-impossible feats indicated in his visions without sight? There was an explanation, but he couldn’t remember what it was.
Pinkie Pie was lagging behind the rest with a droopy look to her face, so Gaul tried to cheer her up.
“You realize that my house is built over a hot spring, right?”
Pinkie’s step quickened, and she was soon skipping along ahead of the rest.
“Come on everyone, hurry up!”
---
When the party got to the edge of the jungle, they realized that the forest was flooded with water. While Rarity was hesitantly poking at the shallow water, Applejack waded right on through, and soon realized that the water was pleasantly warm.
“It’s not bad at all, it’s kinda warm!”
Rarity flinched as she stuck a foot in, then relaxed after she realized that the temperature was not as bad as she had anticipated.
“You’re right, it’s really quite nice!”
Gaul smiled calmly.
“This is the Wellspring Forest, if I remember correctly. The water is warm because of runoff from the hot spring. That means we are getting closer to my house. Come on everyone, lets go!”
The group continued onwards, splashing each other and laughing in a carefree manner.
---
The companions entered a clearing, and were amazed by what they saw. In the middle of the grove, there stood a titanic tree, with a pool of bubbling water surrounding it. In the branches above, a large house was built around the tree trunk. A spiral staircase curled around the trunk, leading to the house.
Rarity was astonished at the sheer size of the tree, but even more so as they began to ascend the staircase. The tree was slick with water, but the staircase remained dry due to a cleverly slanted roof. The water poured to either side of the walkway, creating a veil of water that distorted the image of the trunk.
---
When they reached the top, Gaul opened the door and stepped inside a luxuriously adorned room. the rest of the group followed, and were amazed by the sheer amount of trophy heads on the walls. There were heads from many different beasts, including a reptilian creature with a large frill, a stony creature with two large horns, and the fearsome maw of a horrifying leech-like creature.
“As a Hunter, I am hired out by the Hunter’s Guild to slay a variety of monsters. I tend to look for souvenirs of my most difficult fights. See that spiky blue one over there? That’s a lagiacrus, a massive sea wyvern that can expel shocks that can boil water. It took me an entire week to slay my first lagiacrus, along with several burns and scalds. I remember relaxing in an ice bath after the hunt, which wasn’t very relaxing because I kept thinking that the lagiacrus would pop out of the tub.” Gaul laughed heartily at the memory, “What an amateur I was back then, A lagiacrus couldn’t even fit in the tub, and I knew that.”
The rest of the party chuckled nervously because they had no idea what Gaul was talking about.
The group walked through the carved wooden doorway into the next room. the first thing they noticed through the thick steam was a large circular pool of clear water, taking up most of the room. They could see the bottom of the pool, and it seemed to be made of some kind of perforated stone.
“This is the main hall, where the heat from the spring gets siphoned off to heat this pool. It’s very relaxing, I tend to soak here after a particularly difficult hunt. We can come back here later on, if anyone is interested.”
Pinkie was delighted to hear that.
Gaul led the group up a set of stairs to see the roof.
---Chapter 4 // Atop Sorrow Hill // END---
The story is just getting better, isn't it?
852652
Eeyup. It's gonna be a lot more action from now on, but I'll keep the dialogue because people seem to like it.
854059
Glad to hear it. Did you get a chance to read the rest of the chapters? The story gets a lot better after chapter 1, so if you would take the time to read the rest, I would greatly appreciate it.
Gee whiz I finally got around to reading this--life always has to get in the way. Anyway, about the chapter!
Things have definitely gotten intriguing. I'm very interested in this world they're in, wherever or whatever 'this world' is. There are a few suggestions I would like to make, though--just some things I think might help out a little. For one, I think a little extra detail would really help the reader imagine your story in their heads. For example, what does this new world look like? Is it bright and sunny, or dark and cloudy; is it hot or cold? Is the hill they're on grassy, or a tall or short hill? You described Gaul's house and the how the jungle was flooded, but before that I was having a bit of a hard time imagining them on the hill--I couldn't really picture anything, because I had no idea what it looked like. Perhaps it was just me, but I think some more description would really help with that. It's a pain in the butt to think of and write, but it really helps the reader. Otherwise they miss out on your story, and no one wants that to happen.
I was also very curious about what their new bodies looked like--are they in human form? It seemed like that's what you were getting at, with rainbow asking about hands. That does bring up the small issue of how she even knew the word hand to begin with--though she would know what paws are, and actually spike does kind of have hands, so maybe she would know. Anyhoo, some description on what they look like now would definitely help, because again I had no idea what to picture in my head.
I'm also guessing humans because you used human terminology during Gaul's memory: 'child', 'man' and so forth, instead of 'foal', or 'colt' or 'stallion'. Now this is just me, but personally I feel that the main six would react a little more upon finding they have new bodies, especially if they look and function very differently (again, without description, we don't know how different they are). I imagine Rarity freaking out about losing her beautiful body, but still thinking her knew one looks fabulous (or hoping, anyway). Pinkie would probably be the only one not upset (though maybe she would). Seeing their reactions is the fun part (and this goes for anything that happens in a fic, I think), because the readers care about the characters, right? They're the ones we know and love, and it's why we read fanfiction in the first place. I know you know this already, so I don't mean to sound like I'm talking down to you, or lecturing you here. These are simply the reasons I think it's nice (and important too, really) to add things like how the mane six react to things, like new bodies, in a fic. We want to see how it affects them, and how they react to it. Something little like this doesn't have to dominate the story, obviously, but I think people notice when it's missing. It makes the writing more difficult for sure, but it's worth it, and I think you're totally capable to handling it.
One last thing. Gaul is blind, but was he like that back in Equestria too, or only in his home world? You might have described him as wearing a blindfold before, but I probably missed it. Anyway, since he's blind, how was he able to tell that Pinkie wasn't happy? I like that he cheers her up, but did he sense it? Could he tell because she was abnormally quiet, and because he hasn't known her very long, he was just making a bit of a guess? (Because he doesn't know her very well, he can't really tell if her silence is strange, but since Pinkie is soooo eccentric, he would be able to notice it and make a guess that she might not be happy, especially considering the circumstance). Also, how do her other friends react to her sadness?
That was pretty much it. Now I say all these things knowing that I haven't even published a fic here yet, so you're way ahead of me in that regard. I am writing one, so I know how difficult it can be to get things right. You start off with this perfect vision in your head, but when you go to put in on paper, things get lost in communication somewhere. So I'm not all condemning your fic here--besides if I didn't want to read it I wouldn't be here. These were just some things I noticed and wanted to mention. I mean, no story is perfect, but as the writer you want to make it the best you can, right? And really, you don't have to listen to anything I've said. My word isn't law, and writing isn't a science either.
As usual, I'm looking forward to seeing the next chapter. Keep up the good work StormkingArcana
P.S. I'm glad you're keeping dialogue, because not only does it help a story and keep readers interested, but like I've said you've got a good knack for it.
884343
With regards to the description, I think it could use some more details as well. I'll get to work on that soon.
I'll explain a bit here before I change up the story.
-Yes, everyone is a human now. I'll add in a section about their reactions.
-Gaul is eyeless in his human body only, That's why he had such a hard time adjusting to being blind again. He uses his other senses to compensate, but he has a limited ability to sense emotion and other intangible things.
Thank you for the feedback, I probably would have missed those if you hadn't let me know. I'll go back and fix the issues later.
I'm glad you managed to find something wrong with the writing, because I know it's not perfect.
884473
Not problem at all, dude. We learn with every sentence we write--I don't think anyone can ever (or should ever) reach a point where they stop learning about writing and story telling. The important thing is that you care.
You know, after I wrote my first chapter, I ran it by someone, and afterwards ended up rewriting the entire thing. My fic is constantly changing and growing, and that's just part of the game. I wouldn't be surprised if I rewrote it again. Don't think that's what I'm telling you to do though. I just want you to know I'm in the same boat as you when it comes to fixing things. Personally, it's hard for me when others point out things about my writing that could use improvement. I mean as an author you're so involved in your story, and it's impossible to look at with fresh eyes. Not to mention that a story someone has written is going to be personal to them, and when others critique it can be tough.
But as I said, you care, and as long as you do, you will always improve, and that's all that anyone can ask. You definitely have it where it counts.
Oh and don't feel like you have to rush to fix everything I mention, or fix it at all. If it makes sense and you agree with it, then yeah, but if you don't agree at all then don't bother. You're not writing this story for me, and sooner or later you'll see for yourself if you or me or whoever was right or wrong. I just don't want you to feel like my word is law or something. I've always had an issue with people who act like that, whether they really are right or not.
Anyway, good luck!
EDIT: Changed the beginning of chapter 4 in order to make more sense.
Thanks for reading!
still understandable