Lokuul
Joined 29th Nov, 2011 ·
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Not bad for your first attempt at a story my friend. There is the issue of the fact that this is pretty much a huge giant wall of text. It's a beginner's mistake. Here's how some of the text should be.
“Actually…Rarity…” the Earth Pony started.
“Yes, darling Applejack?”
Applejack just looked at the white unicorn, and kissed her ever so lightly. Rarity was stunned, her eyes wide from the unexpected contact. Applejack pulled away from the kiss, her face bright red.
“I…I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have don -"
The farmer was cut off as Rarity returned the kiss, wrapping her hooves around the Earth Pony, and gently pushing her down onto the sofa. Applejack returned the kiss, allowing the unicorn to feel her up. Rarity leaned back from the kiss, eliciting a confused look from Applejack.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were interested in mares!”
Dialogue is given its own space. You might want to fic that. There are also a few grammar mistakes like
“I…I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have don -“the farmer was cut off as Rarity returned the kiss
At the end of the dialogue, there should be a space between the dialogue and the description.
The clop itself is pretty well done and it is rather juicy. The story does feel a little on the rushed side, but it does do a good job at telling a clop fic and for what it's worth, it's a good attempt.
All in all, aside from some editing that's needed, this isn't bad for your first story.
7/10 from me.
692157
Thank you. I had a few pre-readers, but they never mentioned that sadly. I will remember this for my future stories.
692168 You're welcome. Every writer starts out with a lot of mistakes, including myself, so don't worry about feeling bad.
that was pretty good, if you keep going with this i'd read it.
PS In my opinion it moved a little to fast.
I liked the story. Its different than most clop I have read, which has Applejack and Rainbow Dash together.
Great story, just some mistakes in the writing and spelling, but that's ok because is your first story
in general, great story my friend
greetings from Perú
All in all, a pretty good story. 8/10
The clop was good, and the backgroud information to the situatuion was good.
I do, however, think you could have exrended the story with a little more information regarding Rarity and Applejack's intimate past.
Also, the whole part at the end, about their families and living conditions? Ponyville, isn't that large, i suspect the average, healthy, in-shape pony such as Applejack or Raritycould probably cross Ponyville in about an hour or an hour and a half of steady walking, and I don't think Rarity and Applejack's distance apart from their homes would be that much of a problem. Also, you have not previously stated anything about Rarity and Applejack's families, which leads me to believe that there are not other family members other than the canon ones influencing their lives. And thus, this leads me to question why the ywo would have problems with their families, unless both families are full of screaming homophobes. Finally, I can't think of any reason why their businesses would conflict with each other, they both sell 2 different kinds of products.
Other than the issues with the ending, this was a good story.
Good job!
Good setup, the cloppy writing wasn't bad.
Editing issue; either space your paragraphs, or indent them. You broke your paragraphs, so it's not full-on "wall of text," but there needs to be a space of some sort to differentiate the last line of the previous paragraph from the first line of the current one.
Clop issue; A little variety in anatomical words helps. "pussy" over and over again gets a little redundant. Don't have to go for the full-on bodice-ripper metaphors like "her blossoming flower, spangled with dew" or anything like that, but the same term over and over gets monotonous.
Clop issue #2; I'll admit, every lady is different, but I don't imagine clitoris-biting ranks high in the happy-times meter of most. I winced when I read that. If you're uh, unfamiliar, just imagine what "biting" would do to your happy bits. Some tooth isn't bad, but "CHOMP!" just... no.
I say there is some miner but they are rookie mistakes. the spacing but someone already told you that, over all I give a...
8/10
692287 can't take 2 steps on this website without tripping over appledash can you? Ah well, still a good story, honestly I'd be pretty pleased if this were to be a serial or something of the sort
good job
I am clapping. With an A. I liked this story. Shutting up now.
692593 Yeah, sorry. Not familiar with the female body and I am kinda throwing in some things that my RP's are usually using.
694438
No big thing. Good story all around
Liked it, but it moved a little bit too fast. 8/10
693514
Yea, essentially, I don't mind it of course.
Given the generally positive review of my first story, I have started work on a new "chapter" in this. It will follow Ponyville and the snowstorm, but with different characters and (hopefully) better writing.
A thank you to all who read, and an even bigger one to all of you that gave me some writing tips
And sorry for putting you through such a horribly mashed together story
EDIT: Fixed up the first chapter so it doesn't look like a wall of text...I hope.
692593
"her blossoming flower, spangled with dew"
That... That just did it. I cannot stop laughing right now.
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Good Story.
705484 You, sir, get my lols.
This had me raising an eyebrow when I started to see how good this was written. I do feel that the proclaiming of love was a bit rushed, but I really enjoyed the juicy slit licking scene. I think they'd make a nice pair. I would like to read your next chapter!
710994 Thank you. I'm glad you like this. I am trying to make the story a bit less rushed, but the clop will still be as juicy as ever!
Good work.. and its not just Mindless sex Keep it up
Well, I rather liked that. Rarity and Applejack seem to be a less used pairing from what I've seen. Hmm.
Well, I'll give it an 8/10.
Love it. I admit to once.
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/143/b/d/That_was_AWESOME_by_masseylass.jpg
817414
Doctor Chakwas! Thank you for making my morning!
819806
jeylafashions.com/media/catalog/product/cache/3/image/d58d44b981214661663244ef00ea7e30/a/1/a12899b_1.jpg
You are the first part.
I liked this story, although there were a few parts that didn't make much sense. Such as how one can grab and grip things with hooves, surly Rarity can use magic to hold things, but using her hoof to "grip" Applejack's mane is just...I don't get it.
1126627
Shhh...just go along with it...it's all going to be fine...
1126924
1126627
We sent a team of investigators to determine just that. Unfortunately, they concluded f@ck logic and this magic bullsh@t. Suffice to say they all quit shortly after.
I'm pretty sure their families will understand. Whatever makes them happy, they should support them.
