"I can't believe I'm doing this..."
Twilight stood in the middle of Appleloosa. Two Royal Guards flanked her and one blew a trumpet to announce her royal arrival. The sounding trumpet drew hatted ponies out from their taverns, churches, and pubs. Even Sheriff Silverstar came out of his office. With the whole town there and ready to listen to the Princess of Friendship, Twilight began.
"I, Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship, am here to inform you our nation's newest proclamation. The use of pies as a defensive or offensive weapon is now prohibited by Equestrian Royalty. Pies counted in this include, apple, cherry, blueberry, coconut cream, lemon, lime, pear, banana, cheese, and strawberry. To anyone who wishes to keep their pies, we must warn you: the Royal Guard will confiscate all weaponized pies. That is all," she finished weakly
A deadly silence followed the order. Twilight could hear her own breathing above the sandy winds. Not a single face was smiling. Not a single pony showed any happy emotions. Gulping in fear, Twilight's hooves rattled nervously and she tried to smile.
"I know you all love your pies so much, but this is for public safety. Pie violence is at an all time high in Equestria. The Royalty have been forced to take pies away to keep Equestrians safe. Banning pies will keep us safe, right? It is our right to keep safe, not have the right to harm another."
There was still silence in the town. Nopony moved. Nopony made a sound. Sweat started to fall down Twilight's temples. She nervously rubbed the back of her neck with her hoof. Her wings shifted uneasily.
"It's like this. Pie violence is bad, right? Well, without pies, how can you have pie violence? It's a valid and simple argument. There are several nations who don't entrust pies to their citizens. They handle it just fine. There's nothing wrong with us joining them."
Now the Appleloosans weren't even blinking. It was like they were haunting statues. Here was an army of earth ponies, simply staring at her. She had offended them. She had roused up some hidden fury in each of them. She was physically shaking now.
"I...It doesn't take much....Just hand over your pies and we'll discard of them properly. If you fear your protection, the Royal Guard will secure our borders. Only the military should have weapons, right? Right? We all are respectable ponies, right? No one here should disobey the law. Right? Please? Please? Come on, we know you have pies around here. Be good Equestrians and give them up. Please don't hurt me..."
Sheriff Silverstar took a mighty step forward, finally breaking the horrifying silence. "You have some right to take away our means of protection, then we have the right to protect our freedom."
"If you are implying you are going to attack me, I am royalty. I'm the government. I'm the Princess of Friendship, only trying to spread more friendship. It would be wrong to harm anypony. Please be considerate."
"Ya think ya can waltz in here and take our pies?!" Bareburn shouted. "How bold!"
"I love my pies!"
"Me too!"
"Get out of town, ya Royal Pain!"
Twilight was breathing quickly. "I am in no way your enemy. I ask with courtesy. We must stop pie violence."
"We'll show you pie violence!"
"That's a threat against Royalty. Also known as treachery," Twilight said.
"Then call us traitors!" Silverstar huffed. "Because we ain't gonna follow ya rules!"
"I implore you," Twilight stammered. "Please! I am the Princess of Frie-"
POW
POW
POWPOWPOW
After being plastered with pies of every flavor, Twilight slowly walked through her castle's hallways. She had been defeated. Utterly defeated by pies. Her two Royal Guards were now in the hospital, most likely for food allergy poisoning. It had been a terrible day and she was smelling of blueberries...and perhaps cherries.
As she slumped about in defeat, Spike spotted her passing. He poked his head out of a comic book and raised a brow at the princess. She sighed and stopped near him when she noticed that he saw her.
"So, it didn't work, did it?" he asked.
"No," Twilight sighed. "I followed my plans perfectly. Step 1: take away pies from the civilians. Step 2: increase the military. Step 3: take over Equestria and become supreme princess. Step 4: spread friendship throughout the nation via governmental systems and protocols. I didn't even get step 1 done..."
"Wait, you wanted to take over Equestria?" Spike blinked.
"Well of course! And to do that, I must take away the ponies' abilities to fight back. Those darn pies!" she shook her hoof in anger.
Spike got up from where he was sitting and walked over to the alicorn. One long finger swiped up some blue goo and he tasted it. He then nodded in satisfaction.
"Yum! Those Appleloosans sure know how to bake."
"You're not helping, Spike."
"So, how ya gonna take over Equestria now?"
"I think I'll ban cider next...That'll end drunken violence, right?"
===
This is just fantastic. Nuff said.
7010858
Your lack of Starlight Glimmer is… disturbing.
So now Starlight is impersonating Twilight. Why do I feel that she needs to be turned to stone for a thousand years to get her some common sense, or just go crazy?
This pleases me
Another excellent chapter.
"Pies don't soil ponies. Ponies soil other ponies"
7010912 "Maybe I just WANT the pies!"
7010927 as it does me too
7010933 "It cost 1200 bits to throw all these pies for five seconds."
7010959
When will Starlight taken on the movie industry?
Why all the nominies are unicorns or their coats white?
Or why the female members of the Power Ponies don't have their own movies?
7011071 Even though all the power ponies are female, it still lacks female diversity.
"You can pry my pie from my cold, dead hooves" A very popular cart sticker in those parts
7011276 Just like "don't trot on me"
7011701 They protected the Buffaloes.
Oh wait....
7011721 Well, technically all of Equestria is pie-free. That just doesn't mean Equestria is pie free. Blame Pinkie.
"I can make all the pies!"
"Please don't."
"I can make some mighty fine pies as well. Do you like apple pies, Twilight?"
"Well of course, but not like..."
"Oh no!"
POW
"So this is how Starlight feels...hm, this pie actually tastes pretty good..."
Applejack and Rainbow are going to kill you Twilight
We need a chapter that covers the classic human in Equestria there's so many ways that it go. Starlight would ruin it so well
7011842 "It would drive my farm to the ground."
"Or maybe I'll just have to sell it illegally."
"Awesome! I'll help!"
"Oh, please don't..."
Gun law? hoo boy, you done opened a brand new can of worms for this chapter.
7013133 what are you talking about? This is about pies, not guns.
yes twilight, because banning things have always had positive results.
the sarcasm in that sentence was actually painful to type.
7013609 "Alright, time to ban sarcasm too!"
7013625 *points bolter at twilight*
Come and get it then...
I am glad that you wrote this story on "equality" and "Tolerance" that have become the opposite of their meaning. The people who it hurts the most is minorities. It comes down to politicians wanting votes and manipulating people's feelings who often actually want to do good. People of different beliefs and positions could more often work things out and get along but not when one political party fires groups up to see those of opposing opinions as the boogeyman that's out to get them. If one will excuse me but politicians and pretty much just in the left uses minorities as their little bitches to do battle against their opponents.
The people who the left claims to be for are the ones who they hurt the most. Best example: Left-"to help the poor we want to raise minim wage which will give them more funds and anyone who disagrees wants them to stay poor."
In reality raising minim wage by a large margin will cause companies to have to raise prices to compensate. Worst of all people who work at and around minim wages will lose jobs because of the new high cost to pay them. This is what always occurs when companies have to contend with major changes in expense and a huge price increase for employees in lower rung jobs will bleed the company. Now they are without a job with much higher prices on pretty much everything. People who already have much higher paying jobs (Those rich people) will not be affected because their employer does not have to increase their income.
The Left movement in a nutshell:
It may be that Faust created all ponies, but Coconut Cream Colt made them all equal.
...Wait. The list does not include meat pies.
Are those ok?
7017163 "Meat pies..."
"Oh my..."
Well meat pies aren't on the list because those are Griffon pies. As we all know, Griffons can have as many pies as they want. They are just victims of Equestrian violence. They are not a threat to us.
Global Warming is the real threat.
7019572 Who knows. The goats keep taking everyone's jobs.
I really like this story but it really bugs me that Twilight hasn't really called out Starlight on her bs.
Like She hit a foal with a bat because of it. What starlight believes is affecting every pony around her in a toxic way and she doesn't see it. Some pony needs to point it all out before somepony dies! Just food for thought.
7026680 Well, Twilight is trying to be nice to Starlight, even though that may seem difficult.
I also don't want this parody to be a lecture. Yes, I can argue with the PC logic, but I don't want Twilight to be a lecturer of the right wing views. Twilight acts as Twilight does. I want to have her respond to Starlight. Not me responding.
And Twilight has stopped Starlight plenty of times. She called her out when Starlight smacked Featherweight and Starlight still thought herself blameless. Even if Twilight calls bs out, it may not work.
7026698 Understandable,It just rubs me the wrong way that starlight has been acting like this in both the show and in fanwork. I'll get over it soon or later probably.
7017304 I ain't letting them dang beakies inta mah country!
7028337 Now if only the view of the extremist right wasn't just as idiotic as the extremist left. Extremists are all idiots.