KO AWESOME story hope that team RWBY will get back to there home world and will there a little romance scene of Jance and Pyrra.

*Pulls out every single threatening looking thing in existence* These will be used if we don't see this story completed within 1-3 years...qwq It's that good so far.

More. We, the audience, demand more.

6668595 Thanks for pointing that out. Fixed.

This is an amazing read so far, and i cant wait for the next chapter to come out.

AJ has green eyes, like an emerald or a pine.

6668896 ...

Derp.

All right, thanks for that! That's embarrassing..

6668899 KO awesome story so hope you saw my last comment cause I was wondering if Jance and Pyrra will have a little love time. Great work and keep going.

6668937 While I don't plan on pairing them together, there will definitely be some ship tease between them.

6668955 KO well that's fine hope that team RWBY will fine a way back to their world.

Hmm how will you deal with ammo and dust?

6668981 I've got a plan for that, but it'll have to wait for another arc or two.

I'm going to predict who is going to find who. FlutterShy will find Blake, Rarity will find Weiss, and Twilight will find Ruby. Although I could only just imagine the antics that Ruby and Pinkie could get into. Oh I am just so hyped up for the next chapter!

6669489 Two outta three right... Though I won't tell you which!

Considering this is Yang we're talking about, more than likely there will be puns. Lots and lots of puns.

6669521 You'd best bet on it!

6669531 And considering that Equestria is essentially one giant pun after another...Celestia help them.

6669560
For some strange reason... I think Celestia might end up encouraging (accidentally or not) more puns to happen. But that's just me.

As for this story, I think I'm actually a bit glad that I can see something like this and I will be looking forward to more.

6670550 Trollestia vs. Yang in a battle of puns!

How many chapters do you plan on making?

I was not prepared for the puns. But then again what'd I expect? It's yang. I mean I'd probably make puns in this situation too. Regardless fantastic chapter and I can't wait for more!!

Monty Oum would be proud

6670588
Considering every city/town/settlement in Equestria is a horse pun (the exception being Rainbow Falls/crystal Empire) Yang will have plenty of ammo.

Yes, Applejack. She just made a Celestia-awful pun. That means that there is a very, very good chance you've met an alien equivalent of Pinkie Pie. Congratulations!

Comment round up, comment round up~!

6670768 Flickering Flame is looking to be around twelve chapters. So, if every arc is twelve chapters, that's 48 chapters, plus the chapters that take place back on Remnant with JNPR.

6670770 Thank you!

6670968 I'll fix that! And yes, I am.

6670969 Heh, thank you.

6671036 Thanks for pointing all of that out! I'll fix those as soon as I can.

Thanks everyone for your comments, and I'll get to fixing those errors soon. Happy Thanksgiving!

6671216 Yeah, that was a mistake that I'm going to fix ASAP.

Huh... how about that, this story got into the featured list, and I think it does deserve it.

6671245 Holy shit, really?

Wow. That was fast.

Thanks everybody!

6671254 Don't worry, I won't tell anyone!

That was all amazingly well done and in character!

6671296 Valid complaint.

I'm currently revising the first chapter, and this will be fixed.

Puns?

God Yang it.

6671348 ayyyy lmao

And now I'm hooked! Nice job!!

Altough the story is ok, look for an editor and pre-reders, they will make this even better, good luck :D.

I think I saw something similar in a Warhammer 40K crossover (Team RWBY even died in the same order, albeit not all at once). Still, your story looks like it's off to a good start. Best of luck to you

6671541 Huh. Well, that's a coincidence. I have no idea what Warhammer is.

Just wondering, will all the arcs happen at the same time but in different areas? Then you could bring them all together for one big thing.

6671719 *whistles innocently*

6671732 featured as of 11/26/2015.

6671764 I am aware.

Thank you everyone who has read the story. More is on the way.

6671818 Two chapters published and already featured.
Congrats, hope to see more soon!

Just wait til pun-master Yang meets her arch pun-rival...the Equestrian map.

6671219 I'm glad that you apreciate those observations.
Now, I'll do the same process for this chapter.

Her limbs were there- she could feel her fingers at the end of each hand, which in turn was connected to her arm.

"Each hand" is essentially a plural noun, so the verb "was" should be "were."

She heard two sets of feet step into the room and shut the door behind them.

"Footsteps." And it is a single word, not two words. And it is always "footsteps," regardless of the number of people.

This woman was awfly kind, and her voice was comforting.

"Awfully."

[...] helped her sit up, not like Yang could do so on her own.

The word-flow sounds odd, as if those words don't fit in that sentence. Try "since Yang couldn't do so..."

Ah’m Applejack. Applejack Apple.

Same as before. I trust that you'll fix this detail also in this chapter.

Her throat burned as she desperately tried to keep a breath, but the coughing prevented that.

The phrasing is confusing. How about "to breath in"?

It wasn't very long before she spotted the person, even if she almost missed them

"person" is singular, "them" is plural.

She had to catch Ruby-she’d lost her once, and she wouldn't lose her again!

The dash ( - ) is not needed in here.
On that note, you do use the dashbreaks many times. However there are instances where you don't close the break
"[Narration] -[small break](missing dash) [Continuing the narration]"
Also, the dashes that encase the small break should be touching the break, without spaces (" -[break]- ")

(while also taking a moment to go “hey, I can move now!” in her mind.).

Three things about this:
1. Parenthesis aren't used for breaks nor for separating sentences. In this case, a comma (,) works better.
2. "while also taking a moment to go “hey, I can move now!” in her mind" is an odd way to phrase that train of thought. "Realizing that she could move now" is less confusing.
3. One never ends a sentence inside a parenthesis with a period (.), especially when there's another period just after the parenthesis.

“Hey!” The strange horse thing objected in the same country accent as Applejack. Did that mean that Applejack was a horse, too?

How can Yang catch on Applebloom's accent when she just said "hey"?
Also, Yang doesn't have enough evidence to conclude that Applejack is a horse too, if she's going only by accents.

Maybe it was the shock of still being life,

"Alive."

“Six days...?” The human grumbled quietly as the information processed. “So... I’m guessing this world... isn’t Remnant?

Okay, how does knowing how long one has been out cold equates to realizing that one is in another world? Sure, Yang could make that conclusion seeing how she's talking to a pony, but you are not showing this in her reasoning, so getting to that conclusion based only on the time she's been unconcious makes no sense.

“Apple Bloom...” The

blonde bombshell

began with a breath.

Redundant.
Also, it seems that you're suffering from "Purple Pony Syndrome." Where you use adverbs and adjectives more often than names and pronouns. Use pronouns instead.

Only to find that she had already dashed out of the room, apparently eager to get
Applejack.

A paragraph break escaped you here. Just a thecnical problem, but needs fixing nonetheless.

though Mac was more wary of of her than worried for her

Same as before. Repeating two pronouns in a same sentence makes it to be redundant.

But still, it’s not like he could just throw Yang out- not that he wanted to

Double negatives. Mac can't throw Yang out, because he doesn't want to? You later explain that it is because AJ won't let him, then why phrasing this sentence like this?
I'm not sure of what you're trying to convey.

helping Mac with filling in the crater, replanting the downed trees in addition to the regular day-to-day chores.

They're only fixing the wreck six days after it happened? One would think fixing the crater and replanting the trees would take priority.

To be the first pony to formally welcome an... What was the word? Extraterrestrial? To be the first pony to welcome [...]

This is a good example of a sentence where using parenthesis would work perfectly. Figured I might give you that tip.

She really didn't expect to find any trouble with these... ponies... But better safe than sorry, you know?

You already used that phrase before. Avoid repeating yourself in these cases.

Walking down the stairs was a more daunting task thaYang thought it would be

"than Yang." Missing an "n" and a space.

[...] and her heart was beating a mile a minute

"mile per minute."

Whatever the case, she was not looking forward to the day.

I'm not sure why, but the sentence sounds odd. Maybe "she was not looking forward to this" would work better.

And it was her first day alive again, and it was already terrible

Redundant. Remove the first "and."

barely large enough to clear Yang’s hip

"Barely tall enough to clear Yang's hips."
"Hips," the anatomic part, is always spelled with an "s."

Strangely, the orange mare- presumably Applejack- also had three apples on either side of her flanks... Some kind of birthmark, maybe?

Also? She didn't notice Applebloom's Cutie Mark before, and much less did Yang discern the silhouette of an apple on the tri-colored emblem. You are making this take place after "Crusaders of the Lost Mark," aren't you?

In the most cliche sci-fi alien voice she could muster, Yang said “Take me to your leader!”, earning a laugh from the farmer.

Okay, this was funny. However, I'm surprised that Applejack didn't freak out.

And that is all I can point out.
The story is interesting. I'll move it to my tracking list, to see where it is headed. Have a nice day.

6671732 Keep it up, you got a good thing going, also your profile pic is perfect.

6672008 These will be fixed too! Thank you.

Keep going. Good premise! just make sure you build the conflict relatively soon because as of right now, there is none really. But it is well written with good word choice.

“Sorry. My voice is a little horse right now.”

Ah, Yang. Never change.

6672008 Few problems there, friend...

Her limbs were there- she could feel her fingers at the end of each hand, which in turn was connected to her arm.

"Each hand" is essentially a plural noun, so the verb "was" should be "were."

This is wrong. "Each hand" is not plural, at least not in the way you're thinking of. "Each hand is connected to your arm" is correct, while "Each hand are connected to your arm" is not. The verb should be singular.

She heard two sets of feet step into the room and shut the door behind them.

"Footsteps." And it is a single word, not two words. And it is always "footsteps," regardless of the number of people.

Also no. "Two sets of feet" is completely fine, and the verb should be be plural (even if it's one set of feet). It is always "footsteps" instead of "footstep" but it is not always "footsteps" instead of "sets of feet" or "pairs of feet". "She heard two sets of feet step into the room" is grammatically correct, and "feet step" should not be one word in this case. "Step" is the verb, describing the actions of the "feet" which would be the noun.

Ah’m Applejack. Applejack Apple.

Same as before. I trust that you'll fix this detail also in this chapter.

There are nil sheens at all with this. She's introducing herself, and Apple is her surname. This is the same as Twilight saying, "I'm Twilight. Twilight Sparkle."

Her throat burned as she desperately tried to keep a breath, but the coughing prevented that.

The phrasing is confusing. How about "to breath in"?

Or just "to take a breath".

It wasn't very long before she spotted the person, even if she almost missed them

"person" is singular, "them" is plural.

Actually, them can be (and often is) used as a gender-neutral singular pronoun. It's completely acceptable these days.

She had to catch Ruby-she’d lost her once, and she wouldn't lose her again!

The dash ( - ) is not needed in here.
On that note, you do use the dashbreaks many times. However there are instances where you don't close the break
"[Narration] -[small break](missing dash) [Continuing the narration]"
Also, the dashes that encase the small break should be touching the break, without spaces (" -[break]- ")

It isn't always necessary to close the break. It represents a pause, so it's more like a comma than a quote. Of course, it isn't actually a comma, but this is just an analogy.

(while also taking a moment to go “hey, I can move now!” in her mind.).

Three things about this:
1. Parenthesis aren't used for breaks nor for separating sentences. In this case, a comma (,) works better.
2. "while also taking a moment to go “hey, I can move now!” in her mind" is an odd way to phrase that train of thought. "Realizing that she could move now" is less confusing.
3. One never ends a sentence inside a parenthesis with a period (.), especially when there's another period just after the parenthesis.

I agree with points one and two, but not three. If you write multiple sentences inside parentheses (which I have seen done both properly and improperly), then you should end all of them with a period - including the last one. If you have only one sentence, you should only include punctuation when it affects the tone, such as an exclamation or question mark.

“Hey!” The strange horse thing objected in the same country accent as Applejack. Did that mean that Applejack was a horse, too?

How can Yang catch on Applebloom's accent when she just said "hey"?
Also, Yang doesn't have enough evidence to conclude that Applejack is a horse too, if she's going only by accents.

Trust me, strong enough accents (especially southern ones) will show up even in saying "hey" to someone. And Yang isn't concluding that Applejack is a horse - she's noting that the small horse sounds very much like Applejack, which allows for the possibility that Applejack is also a horse.

though Mac was more wary of of her than worried for her

Same as before. Repeating two pronouns in a same sentence makes it to be redundant.

First, no. Repeating two pronouns can be necessary to make the sentence sound right. It sounds perfectly fine, it isn't redundant, and you don't need "to be" in your sentence.

But still, it’s not like he could just throw Yang out- not that he wanted to

Double negatives. Mac can't throw Yang out, because he doesn't want to? You later explain that it is because AJ won't let him, then why phrasing this sentence like this?
I'm not sure of what you're trying to convey.

It's not like he could just throw Yang out He can't just throw her out.
- not that we wanted to But he doesn't even want to.
It means that he can't throw her out, but it's moot because he doesn't even want to. Could be worded better, I admit.

She really didn't expect to find any trouble with these... ponies... But better safe than sorry, you know?

You already used that phrase before. Avoid repeating yourself in these cases.

Avoid excessive repetition.

[...] and her heart was beating a mile a minute

"mile per minute."

Actually, it's an idiom. And it's spelled (and pronounced) "mile a minute" instead.

I love me a good crossover, and this looks like it has potential. Tracking, but not favorited. YET. Going to give it a little time to build up steam. Looking forward to it.

Also

“Sorry. My voice is a little horse right now.”

God dammit, Barb.

6672054 Thank you, for being so cool with my observations. There are many other authors that would throw a fit if anyone corrects their spelling.

6672539

Her limbs were there- she could feel her fingers at the end of each hand, which in turn was connected to her arm.

"Each hand" is essentially a plural noun, so the verb "was" should be "were."

This is wrong. "Each hand" is not plural, at least not in the way you're thinking of. "Each hand is connected to your arm" is correct, while "Each hand are connected to your arm" is not. The verb should be singular.

The "which in turn" is what makes the plural/singular problem so confusing. If that's the case, then I take it back.

She heard two sets of feet step into the room and shut the door behind them.

"Footsteps." And it is a single word, not two words. And it is always "footsteps," regardless of the number of people.

Also no. "Two sets of feet" is completely fine, and the verb should be be plural (even if it's one set of feet). It is always "footsteps" instead of "footstep" but it is not always "footsteps" instead of "sets of feet" or "pairs of feet". "She heard two sets of feet step into the room" is grammatically correct, and "feet step" should not be one word in this case. "Step" is the verb, describing the actions of the "feet" which would be the noun.

Okay, I admit I misread it. Still, the phrasing is confusing.

Ah’m Applejack. Applejack Apple.

Same as before. I trust that you'll fix this detail also in this chapter.

There are nil sheens at all with this. She's introducing herself, and Apple is her surname. This is the same as Twilight saying, "I'm Twilight. Twilight Sparkle."

One problem, smarty-pants. In no canon source material for the character is she EVER called "Applejack Apple." Surnames are not applicable to everypony. Take for example Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, Scootaloo. And even within a family in some cases, ponies can have different second names (Twilight Sparkle, Shining Armor; etc.)

(while also taking a moment to go “hey, I can move now!” in her mind.).

One never ends a sentence inside a parenthesis with a period (.), especially when there's another period just after the parenthesis.

If you write multiple sentences inside parentheses (which I have seen done both properly and improperly), then you should end all of them with a period - including the last one. If you have only one sentence, you should only include punctuation when it affects the tone, such as an exclamation or question mark.

Still, if right after the parenthesis there is a period already, having a period within the parenthesis just looks ugly.

See?

I have no other objections to everything else.