- Member Since 12th Nov, 2015
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
Soren Mercer
I read horse words. I write horse words. I sometimes even... read more horse words.
Soren Mercer
Joined 12th Nov, 2015 ·
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KO AWESOME story hope that team RWBY will get back to there home world and will there a little romance scene of Jance and Pyrra.
*Pulls out every single threatening looking thing in existence* These will be used if we don't see this story completed within 1-3 years...qwq It's that good so far.
Uh, you might want to use 'force to throw' instead.
'Force to force' just sounds weird and can interrupt the flow of the story.
Either way, 9/10 story you got here.
More. We, the audience, demand more.
6668595 Thanks for pointing that out. Fixed.
This is an amazing read so far, and i cant wait for the next chapter to come out.
AJ has green eyes, like an emerald or a pine.
6668896 ...
Derp.
All right, thanks for that! That's embarrassing..
6668899 KO awesome story so hope you saw my last comment cause I was wondering if Jance and Pyrra will have a little love time. Great work and keep going.
6668937 While I don't plan on pairing them together, there will definitely be some ship tease between them.
6668955 KO well that's fine hope that team RWBY will fine a way back to their world.
Hmm how will you deal with ammo and dust?
6668981 I've got a plan for that, but it'll have to wait for another arc or two.
Yes. So... much... YES!!!
I'm going to predict who is going to find who. FlutterShy will find Blake, Rarity will find Weiss, and Twilight will find Ruby. Although I could only just imagine the antics that Ruby and Pinkie could get into. Oh I am just so hyped up for the next chapter!
6669489 Two outta three right... Though I won't tell you which!
Considering this is Yang we're talking about, more than likely there will be puns. Lots and lots of puns.
6669521 You'd best bet on it!
6669531 And considering that Equestria is essentially one giant pun after another...Celestia help them.
6669560
For some strange reason... I think Celestia might end up encouraging (accidentally or not) more puns to happen. But that's just me.
As for this story, I think I'm actually a bit glad that I can see something like this and I will be looking forward to more.
6670550 Trollestia vs. Yang in a battle of puns!
How many chapters do you plan on making?
IT HAS BEEN CENTURIES SINCE I LAST SAW A RWBY CROSSOVER ENTER THESE LANDS. AND IT HAS BEEN TWICE AS LONG SINCE IT WAS ACTUALLY GOOD.
This is good stuff so far. If there's any spelling errors or mistakes thought I'm probably not the best to ask but regardless a fantastic story and I can't wait for what happens next!
I was not prepared for the puns. But then again what'd I expect? It's yang. I mean I'd probably make puns in this situation too. Regardless fantastic chapter and I can't wait for more!!
Overall I like this story, but still some nitpicks: "Faunas" is spelled "Faunus", according to the wiki page. Also, how can Applejack recognize breasts? Do you assume EG as canon here?
Monty Oum would be proud
6670588
Considering every city/town/settlement in Equestria is a horse pun (the exception being Rainbow Falls/crystal Empire) Yang will have plenty of ammo.
With that in mind, I think I'll proceed with some observations as per requested. I'll mostly point out typos and stuff that seems confusing to me. Let's start.
Wouldn't "to fire explosive flares/projectiles" be a better description?
Just a question, but didn't the four of them arrive at the location at the same time? Why does it seem that WBY just arrived to the site right after Ruby was "killed"?
If they didn't arrive at the same time, then I would recommend making it clear that Ruby gave pursuit while her team tried to catch up.
Mustard.
SHUT UP, RAY!
Didn't she threw Yang to the floor just next to her? When did Yang: get up, walked away from Neopolitan, and re-grouped with her team?
I'd recommend making it clear that Yang was thrown towards her teammates.
That phrasing seems a bit odd, imo. "Just seconds ago" would be better.
Using the same pronoun so close to each other just looks odd, imo.
Double quotation marks right there.
Is that really necessary? "Show, don't tell." Or at least tell it in a way that fits the overall tone.
Also, Mercury's weapons are greaves, not actual boots.
"hits." Missing a "t" right there.
FAUNUS! The term is "Faunus." Not Fauna, not Faunas. FAUNUS (Sorry, this mistake is incredibly infuriating for me).
How does Blake know her name?
You should keep better tabs on what does everybody know at this point in the story. For example: All of Team RWBY believes that Mercury, Emerald and Cinder (whose name having been told to Team RWBY is never shown) are just regular students. So at least showing surprise at seeing the two of them involved in the operation would make more sense than "oh hey, they're also here. Let's fight."
Singular noun with Plural possesive. Either make it all plural or all singular.
No. Just, no.
To make it clear, changing the canon name of a character out of convenience is a big no-no. You said that this story deviates from everything PAST "Crusaders of the Lost Mark", so everything before that holds truth in this story. Changing Applejack's name if the story took place in an alternate Equestria would make sense.
From a logical standpoint, why would Applejack take notice of that?
"It also wore some clothes that didn't seem to cover much of its hairless skin," would make more sense.
How can Applejack know that "it" is a female if there are no records of human anatomy in Equestria. She wouldn't know that female humans have their mammaries on their chest.
Why the "but"? Is this contradicting anything else that has been previously mentioned in the same paragraph? Wouldn't "Also" be better?
Sorry for the long comment. I'm still not sure if I will put this in my favourites, but I'll still keep an eye on it.
Yes, Applejack. She just made a Celestia-awful pun. That means that there is a very, very good chance you've met an alien equivalent of Pinkie Pie. Congratulations!
I thought this was extremely well written, solid flow, amazing descriptions and an impressive sense of tone and character shone through with all the characters. Though I'm surprised Blake knew Cinder's name. Best of luck to you in the future!
Comment round up, comment round up~!
6670768 Flickering Flame is looking to be around twelve chapters. So, if every arc is twelve chapters, that's 48 chapters, plus the chapters that take place back on Remnant with JNPR.
6670770 Thank you!
6670968 I'll fix that! And yes, I am.
6670969 Heh, thank you.
6671036 Thanks for pointing all of that out! I'll fix those as soon as I can.
Thanks everyone for your comments, and I'll get to fixing those errors soon. Happy Thanksgiving!
6671216 Yeah, that was a mistake that I'm going to fix ASAP.
Huh... how about that, this story got into the featured list, and I think it does deserve it.
FINALLY!!! Something RWBY related on here!!!
.... Uh... I didn't just squee... totally.....
FINE I DID. YOU HAPPY!!! JUST DO IT!
6671245 Holy shit, really?
Wow. That was fast.
Thanks everybody!
6671254 Don't worry, I won't tell anyone!
That was all amazingly well done and in character!
... Why were they just standing there, watching, as their team member got killed? That makes nada sense. I mean, with Ruby it seemed like they just arrived - okay. But with Yang they were just looking while she died?
6671296 Valid complaint.
I'm currently revising the first chapter, and this will be fixed.
Puns?
God Yang it.
6671348 ayyyy lmao
And now I'm hooked! Nice job!!
Altough the story is ok, look for an editor and pre-reders, they will make this even better, good luck :D.
I think I saw something similar in a Warhammer 40K crossover (Team RWBY even died in the same order, albeit not all at once). Still, your story looks like it's off to a good start. Best of luck to you
6671541 Huh. Well, that's a coincidence. I have no idea what Warhammer is.
Just wondering, will all the arcs happen at the same time but in different areas? Then you could bring them all together for one big thing.
6671719 *whistles innocently*
6671732 featured as of 11/26/2015.
6671764 I am aware.
Thank you everyone who has read the story. More is on the way.
6671818 Two chapters published and already featured.
Congrats, hope to see more soon!
Just wait til pun-master Yang meets her arch pun-rival...the Equestrian map.