Spoiled Rich has just been elected head of the Ponyville school board. With this new job, she's moving back to Ponyville full time, creating a situation where the hired help is too busy with the move to adequately serve her daughter, Diamond Tiara.
Enter Spike, number one assistant to a Princess and hero of the Crystal Empire. He can handle a pushy little entitled filly like her, right? Right??
This story is a pseudo-prequel to Crusaders of the Lost Mark. It sheds some light on why Diamond Tiara had a change of heart, which in my opinion, was way too abrupt in the episode. This story takes place around the time of Princess Spike, even though it bears nothing in common with that episode's premise, other than featuring Spike. 
Chapters (8)
So, right off the bat, I was skeptical of the premise. Stories where characters are suddenly stuck in bizarre situations for no good reason are a dime a dozen, and I feel like this happens to Spike more often then not.
Naturally, I was pleasantly surprised to find that this story is dedicating a great deal of time and effort towards selling the premise. And frankly, I buy it. I'm interested in where this goes.
Not a bad start! Let's add this to some groups and see if we can't get it some more votes, eh?
*sigh*
Is this one of those "Let me show how I can do it better than the writers of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic who have experience in writing and lots more knowledge about writing than me and who do it for their whole lives already, because the episode was so much flawed, oh my god, and this clearly needs to be fixed!" stories again?
It doesn't happen often, but everyone of those kind of stories is one too much.
Alright, I'll bite.
That AN has me worried that this story will just fade away without finishing, but I think this initial effort is worthy of being tracked.
--Spade
6666216 Oh it will be finished, mark my word. If it isn't, it means I'm dead.
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Not at all! In fact, if I'm successful, there shouldn't be the need to change a single thing in "Crusaders of the Lost Mark." I'm simply filling in some of the backstory to DT's transformation for my own edification. I hope others will find it satisfying, too!
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Thanks and thanks for the group adds! I was planning on doing that eventually, but had to research which ones were apropos.
6665310
Thanks! I'm going to try my best to keep it as true to the show as possible. I am glad I spent the extra time, since the original draft simply had Spike doing it for the reward, but it seemed cheap. Thus the improved setup.
True, when we need someone to be the butt of the joke, Spike is always here.
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You are most welcome. Best of luck with your story.
6667649 Touche!
At least things have gotten better for him the last half of season 5. We'll see what happens in the finale...
Not a bad start!
I actually like this so far and the moment between Twilight and Spike is so sweet.
I'm definitely tracking this one!
That part about Rarity seems a little backwards. If she has so much work, wouldn't she be out mining more? I don't think buying the gems for her dresses and selling them for more would be cheaper then getting them herself .
But that's just me over thinking again.
This is an ok start. I would like to see where it goes though.
6688529 Actually, that's a good point. When I wrote that I was simply thinking her sewing work would keep her busy, forgetting about how many gems she goes through while making her dresses. I guess if I were to come up with a lame-ish excuse it would be she was needing mail ordered dragon-cut gems around that time (maybe they were in vogue then?) so unless Spike is already trained in gemcutting, she'd have to order them.
I'll have to think about this and see if there's some better excuse to have her too busy to hang with Spike and put it into a revised chapter 1 in the future. Thanks!
While the fic is an interesting idea, there's one major advice I have to give you:
It would be good if you would cut back on the Spike appreciation a little.
Can you see what I mean? It's a bit much. This reads like you have forcefully put together all the complaints that bronies have ever made about Spike's role and portrayal in the show.
I can see that you like Spike a lot. And I have nothing against him. But a good story must feel natural while reading, and here, it feels like you just wanted to hammer it into the head of every reader that Spike is the absolute best and that nothing can ever conquer his greatness as hard as possible.
It currently reads more like a speech for Spike you make, where you gush over him and express how much you worship him with the goal to get others to like him too, not so much like a story.
Reading this story feels quite awkward and artificial if every third paragraph basically says: "Spike is so great, admire him!". A little like you wanted to manipulate your readers into liking Spike with subliminal messaging.
And it becomes also repetitive to see that emphasized so often.
My advice here is to take out a few of these "Spike Appreciation Emphases" and rewrite the respective paragraphs where they are in and to be more careful with that in the next chapters. You went overboard there quite a bit.
Aside from this, I have huge problems with imagining that Twilight didn't know that Diamond Tiara was a bully. Has she really never heard about how she is?
What is with Applebloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, did they never mention something during one of their Twilight Times?
What's with Applejack? And with Rarity and Rainbow Dash? Applebloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle have definitely told their big sisters about the bullying, for Applejack we even have a direct confirmation that she always knew about their bullying from "One Bad Apple", surely at least one of them brought it up during a talk with Twilight that her little sister gets bullied by Diamond Tiara.
Diamond Tiara caused it that the whole town got their private lives exposed by the Gabby Gums articles of Applebloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle and after she was revealed to having them encouraged and, later on, blackmailed them to get them to continue the job, after Cheerilee found out, it sure made its rounds in the town.
And Twilight saw firsthoof the gleeful reaction of Diamond Tiara to the mishap of Applebloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle at the end of the Twilight Time to which she came with Silver Spoon and the whole school.
Twilight must have heard about it that Diamond Tiara is a bully or having been able to figure it out for herself, with all these circumstances, there is no way she couldn't have.
This is something where your story doesn't add up.
But you're not a writer for the show..... So, this means you just said that without this fic and you being successful with it, a change of the episode would be necessary.
In other words, you're trying to "fix" the episode.
Also, this:
This is you basically saying your fic here is better than "Princess Spike" and that they should rather take your fic for the show than this episode.
Are you sure about it that you're "not at all" trying this?
6713303 Thanks for the detailed commentary. I see your point, and it is true I do gush over Spike when talking about him to others. But I do want to point out a few things:
This really isn't puffing Spike's character up. This phrase tries to establish what their relationship is, which I have a great deal of difficulty doing since it's hard to describe. The "number one assistant" line is what the show uses all the time when she refers to Spike, and I'm following suit. And I really do think he his her dearest friend, more so than a "son" or a "little brother". "Sole charge" is what he currently is to her in a legal sense; I'm not sure that says anything about how good or bad Spike is.
I agree with you on the "favorite" part; I think that's already established and will make the necessary changes.
I see your point in this one, but it really does bother me that the show does things to the characters (and not just limited to Spike) where some joke or gag is done at their expense and there's really no acknowledgement that it bothered the character that caused the pain. So, this was just a little nod to the audience that Twilight really does care.
Actually, Twilight's trying to be sarcastic here and isn't really saying anything nice about Spike, nor should the audience take it that way. Hence his equally sarcastic response to her line. But maybe I failed to make it clear; I'll see if I can improve it a bit to make it clearer (unless I get a ton of comments that it's fine the way it is).
This is Spike's ego showing. It came about from his early days when he was often admiring himself in the mirror, or his reaction to his statue in the Crystal Empire. While it is saying something nice about Spike, since it's coming from that character themselves, it actually says something negative about them instead.
I'm not sure how this says something nice about Spike; I guess this is something that you thought was a passive-aggressive slap at the show for not including Spike on any of the cutie map adventures? I didn't mean it that way; I was simply stating the fact that he can't really go on one "officially" since he doesn't have a cutie mark, and doing this favor was a way to do something for Twilight other than cook and clean. (Also his lack of a cutie mark figures
into chapter 2later in the story, so I needed to bring up this point, anyway.)Okay, this I do see as me being passive-aggressively critical of how the show treats Spike. But this is the first real instance of me making some commentary about that
Here I'm actually being nice to dragons in general and not Spike in particular. And yes, I do feel like other species in the show kind of get portrayed poorly. Dragons are all greedy jerks, gryphons are all uncaring greedy bullies (which at least has an explanation now). So I don't want to change this even though it's true I'm making a bit of commentary again.
Well, I'm going on what the show has shown and not what it hasn't. There hasn't been a single instance of Twilight scowling over DT., And yes, Applejack did see it firsthand and scowled at her, so she definitely knew. Whether AJ told Twi or not isn't known, and seeing how AJ doesn't like to badmouth others behind their back I'm not so sure she did.
I can't speak for the others of the Mane 6, though I doubt Rainbow Dash knows - if she did, DT wouldn't be bullying Scootaloo anymore, but that doesn't seem to be the case in "Crusaders of the Lost Mark."
I'll rewatch "Twilight Time" again and see if there's anything that drops a hint otherwise as to how she feels towards DT.
Anyway, I'll try to pay heed to how much gushing I do over Spike in the rest of the chapters. If it seems excessive, I'll edit it. One thing I won't do is not have the characters stop being nice to one another. There's a scene
in chapter 2coming up between Spike and Sweetie Belle and yes, she's going to be sympathetic towards him.As for trying to out-do the writers, yes, I think they did make a mistake with "Crusaders" because of the abrupt change. When she's singing about "Would you believe I wish I could be somepony else?" my answer is no, not really, because there hasn't been an inkling of her character showing she enjoys anything but being a bully.
And yes, while I didn't say I could write a better episode than "Crusaders" (it needs some pre-establishment, which is what I'm doing) I think I could write a better episode than "Princess Spike."
This is good. I like this. I'd already thumbed this up on the first chapter, but now I'll be adding it to my faves. Hope it gets featured at some point... It definitely deserves it.
6866935 Thank you very much! If it ever does get featured, I kind of hope it's after I release the next 2 chapters - that's where a lot of the meat of the story is, and it will probably be more satisfying to new readers.
It almost sounds like the title of a clopfic now.
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Yeah, after I decided on the title for this story, the multiple meanings of "eating somepony" crossed my mind as well!
The title was inspired by the name of the very last Chip & Dale Rescue Rangers episode, "They Shoot Dogs, Don't They?" which popped into my head for some reason. That title, in turn, is a take on a movie titled (coincidentally) "They Shoot Horses, Don't They?"
I'm liking this so far. I'm just waiting for that inevitable moment when Diamond Tiara pushes Spike too far and he flips out.
I hope it's something like this.
(After a long, miserable day, Spike returns to the castle, tells Twilight he quits, and storms off to his room.)
Twilight: "Spike, don't quit. Spike, don't-"
Spike: (Slams bedroom door shut)
Twilight: "Spike! I love you!"
Spike: (Opens door) "No! I'm bucking done! I'm bucking DONE!"
Twilight: (Trying to calm him down) "No you're not."
Spike: "This is bull crap! This is bucking bull crap! What is this? What is this?! What is my life?! I can't do it, Twilight!"
Twilight: "I can't either!"
Spike: "I can't bucking do this!"
Twilight: "I'll tell you what, Spike. You can give up now, or you can figure it out. Because I certainly can't do it without you, and I know you can't do it without me!"
Spike: (Sniffles) "I appreciate it... but look at what we're dealing with, Twi!" (Pulls out a picture of Diamond Tiara)
vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/c/c8/Diamond_Tiara_acting_snooty_S5E18.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/640?cb=20151012163640
Twilight: "Spike-"
Spike: "You gotta draw the line somewhere! You gotta draw a bucking line in the sand, Twi. You gotta make a statement! You gotta look inside yourself and say, 'What am I willing to put up with today?' NOT BUCKING THIS!"
6906986 Spike is definitely getting set up for a major breakdown, though the target of his ire will be the filly causing him his grief. Nothing physical, but the snarky little drake knows how to tear down somepony's psyche just as well as she does... However it's still early in the first day of his job - Diamond isn't quite finished tearing him down yet herself.
I like the idea of Spike throwing his claws in the air and confronting Twilight about his situation. I do have plans for him to basically go to her and confess he doesn't know what he's doing. It was going to be a sad affair, but the angry angle works too. We'll see how it all writes out!
6906986 And if this is not quoted word-for-word, I will be severely disappointed.
6906986 alternatively, the most legit moment of pure rage in the post-jontron era:
I think both could work with some tweaking
Huh. That was some pretty solid dialogue right there! Mixed with dynamic emotions on display!
6868077 Looks like you got your wish... Your story was featured this morning (albeit briefly). I'm sure as it picks up more readers, and increases in popularity it'll stay there for longer. And if the latest update is anything to go by, we'll all be in for a treat.
6978118 Thanks! I'm glad you're finding it compelling!
6978241 I noticed last night while I was publishing chapter 4 it made it to the bottom of the featured list. It was kind of nice because it had already been pushed below my screen on "Recently Updated", and I had to do several more last-minute edits to the chapter. Having it right there on the front page was pretty convenient!
Well, I'm glad the chapter length was shortened. The longer the chapter, the longer it takes for me to start reading and finishing it. We will see how The Great and Honorable Spike will handle The Spoiled and Entitled Diamond Tiara.
6982244 Thanks for the input on the chapter lengths. I have to admit, when I put stories into my "Read Later" bookshelf, the ones I "Read Later" first are the ones with the shorter chapters. The reason being it's easier to read a story piecemeal when the chapters are around 2-3K words, even if the story itself has like 20+ chapters.
I like how the flying part doubles as valuable training for what comes in the season five finale.
Should be "While you were upstairs."
6986894 Thank you for the correction! Seems like no matter how many times I read this or give it to an editor, there's always something that slips through!
6984787 That's for sure! When I wrote the flying scene I was actually thinking of Twilight's ungainly flight with Spike and Pinkie in "Amending Fences," which happens shortly after this story is meant to take place.
The Battle of Snarkiness. Spike vs. Diamond Tiara.
6990327 It still amazes me the show never had any scenes of these two characters speaking to one another in 5 seasons! It's been a lot of fun writing the back-and-forth between them.
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I can finally continue reading here, but first I have to clear out this comment:
I guess it can stay as an introduction of sorts and since it's the first time, I think I can squeeze an eye or two shut there, even though it still reads like Spike fan pandering.
Thanks a lot!
Since this is able to teach your audience a little what "off-screen" means, I now think it's not a bad idea if it stays.
I take that as an ironic slap on the wrists of bronies who always hate Spike where ever he shows his face.
Sounds quite in-character for Spike, so I guess that can stay.
I actually thought it's a commentary about it that Spike barely goes on any adventures with Twilight and her friends, despite that he is their friend too, something I saw many bronies complaining about.
But I saw you stating that you needed this is a reason for Twilight to convince Spike, so I guess this gives it some justification.
This however..... I still say it needs to be written out. When I read this paragraph, I practically hear the crocodile tears of the whole fandom that it cries every time a new Spike episode is due.
It lays it on thick and reads itself like preaching.
This is one of these things about the show that some bronies (luckily not all that many) get especially wrong.
I think what is to blame for this is this strange "stereotype" thinking that occurs in some circles, in whatever way that came to be.....
First off, the show never made a definitive statement about how dragons are as a race, with the few dragons we ever saw in the show as opposed to the thousands of dragons that probably live in the Dragon Empire.
It showed us exactly six greedy/jerky dragons aside from Spike, which is clearly not enough to make assumptions about the whole race.
The problem here is that some fandom members project the behavior and personalities of six dragons on their entire race, mixed in with a good portion of overthinking.
It is quite ironic here how I saw some of these bronies accusing the show writers of "rascism", while they are quite rascist themselves with that.
Letting the fact it's only six dragons we saw acting like that aside for a moment, even if the dragon race in its entirety should be a nation of greedy and jerky people (which is, again, not necessarily the case, only ONE possibility), there is nothing wrong about portraying them as such.
Same goes for the gryphons and their uncaring nature.
Different races have different traits and portraying these traits, no matter if they are positive or negative traits, is nothing even remotely rascist, as long as the portrayal of the race is honest and truthfully.
It's just an accurate depiction then and I'm really glad the show writers don't go with political correctness and the weird, modern definition of "rascism" some people nowadays carry in front of them like spears here.
So, to come back to your fic after that little excursion, their portrayal is not poorly, it's either portraying just a few members of their race or their race is simply like that, so there's no need to wash the name of the dragons' race clean in your fic or something like that.
Besides, it was said by Twilight herself that ponies "know next to nothing about dragons" as Spike had his identity crisis ("Dragon Quest"), so how should she know that dragons are known for being persuasive?
To keep the persuasive line, but avoiding that plothole at the same time, just let Twilight refer to the dragon's intimidating nature and let her say that this makes them persuasive.
That dragons are intimidating is something everypony knows and being able to burn a pony to black coal and ashes on the spot is something that is definitely persuasive.
And no, this wouldn't portray dragons as nice. But it's important to keep in mind that Twilight says that. For her, dragons aren't nice and she never met a nice dragon except for Spike and all she knows about dragons is that they hoard treasures and that they are dangerous, brutal creatures. So she would never talk nice about dragons in general.
Here it's important to understand what "off-screen" means. We did not see it in the show, but with the things we did see and with the things we know about Twilight and her friends, we have enough indications to safely say that Twilight knew about it that Diamond Tiara was a bully.
And for good fanfiction it is important to build on and expand what the show presents, which is the main purpose of fanfiction, to explain and portray things the show didn't.
Additionally to what I said above, we saw her calling out Diamond Tiara directly after she had said "Looks like you didn't come to learn after all!" with the words "Neither did any of you."
The teasing and tormenting sound in Diamond Tiara's voice here was not to overhear, especially considered that Twilight stood right next to her.
If she was oblivious to the bullying up to this point, she definitely knew about it from that moment on, not just because of the tone in Diamond Tiara's voice, but also because Applebloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle definitely presented Twilight with an explanation for everything, including why they wanted to invite Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon to their Twilight Time, after they had cleaned up the library.
Again, for fanfiction it's important to build on infos from the show and to expand them.
Sweetie Belle being sympathetic to Spike? I approve of that.
That's one of these things any given member of the audience will only truly understand if he/she has made certain experiences.
I didn't believe her either at first, for a similar reason, but then I remembered on how my mother abused me and forced me to do stuff I didn't wanted to do (or rather the opposite, she forced me to not do things I wanted to do and was keeping me from living a normal childhood that way) and how much impact that had to me, to an amount where I was constantly afraid she could find it out if I don't obey her, which was why I never steered away of her doctrines even if she wasn't around and couldn't have possibly found out.
If you didn't have abusive parents, then it's not really possible to relate yourself to Diamond Tiara and you will never completely understand her inner turmoil and why she acted the way she did.
It's the same like with a few who didn't understand Moondancer's behavior, because they were never betrayed by a friend like that or never betrayed one.
That's an audience problem, not a problem of the episode. You can't please everyone.
Not discussing Spike episodes and the fandom's reaction on them. That always just gives headaches because the walls you run into while trying to do that are always very thick and hard.
But I invite you to read this journal entry about Spike and his reception in the fandom that I wrote in the mini hiatus after the first half of Season 5, which explains a lot of things:
http://cmc--scootaloo.deviantart.com/journal/The-Problem-with-Spike-in-the-Fandom-547548050
These are some really interestingly detailed and portrayed interactions between Twilight and Spike, for a fanfiction.
And I kind of knew that Spike would have to start the job immediately, no idea why.
I could find only one mistake here; Twilight talks to Spike like he is flying on her back for the first time ever, while he already did so before when he and Twilight flew from Canterlot to Ponyville when the Everfree Forest attacked.
That's a continuity problem here.
So you wrote it that way that Twilight knows about the bullying. Wise decision.
I'm glad my advice was accepted.
I like where this is going so far. Spike and Diamond Tiara play each other off very well.
And I already sense that this story is going to have a lot of feels.
That was lucky, Spoiled. Slipped out of the rascism literally in the last moment, eh?
I have quite some problems to visualize the interior of this kitchen, something seems off to me about it, but I can't put my hoof on what it is exactly.
I'm not sure if the issue lies in the description or if its just my miserable visual thinking, but I thought I point it out.
Oh god, what has she done?! Has she completely messed up the room intentionally as a revenge for Spike talking back at her?
I wonder if that's the case or if really some accident happened (though I have no idea what could mess up the room so much in such little time) that has to do with her crying.
I can't wait to see how this goes on.
6996099 You know, I had this feeling in the back of my head I was forgetting about some moment Spike had flown with Twilight, and indeed - you were absolutely right about the flight from Canterlot.
So I rewrote the whole flying scene and I like it better now: They now get to have a brief warm moment together in-flight that I originally wanted them to have, but it got dropped from an early draft because my editor was saying this scene was too long and didn't add anything to the plot.
Thanks again for pointing it out! I'll reply to the rest of the comments after the next chapter is done and will likely make some more edits, but I wanted to fix this particularly glaring continuity problem ASAP.
7006168
Better, much better, that's beautiful! *-*
While reading this part there was something that rubbed me the wrong way, a certain feeling that something is wrong, but I didn't know what the feeling meant. Now I know.
The scene ended way too abrupt and was way too short. The length of the flight itself felt way too short with where it ended before and right after Spike said how beautiful it is up there, it really felt like something more should come before they land.
I read the old passage and the new one back to back now and the new one gives the story at this point so much more fulfillment.
It's good that this is rectified now.
Crap.....
Since I began writing MLP: FiM fanfics, I always say that I don't want to have an editor for my stories. Proofreader? Absolutely, for typos and stuff, I would accept that. Editor? Absolutely not.
I couldn't know it exactly, because I never had an editor, but I always felt that editors would meddle with my stories, tell me what do with them and try to make my stories, their stories, by advicing me to add or remove stuff they want to see or not see in the story, personally.
This now confirms that I was right with that hunch.
I've seen the argument "It doesn't add anything to the plot" a few times already, both for fanfics as for episodes of the show and this, combined with other experiences I had, led me to the conclusion that people nowadays begin to lose their sense for aesthetics.
Everything must be practicable, everything must serve a purpose, everything must add to the plot.
No beauty, no aesthetics. NO FUN ALLOWED.
Additionally, for fanfics, I also think now they lose their sense for realistic writing and storytelling.
In life, there is no "plot" and so the events that happen don't always "add to the (nonexisting) plot".
People today seem to forget that the major purpose of fiction is and was always to be realistic, to let you dive in the world you're reading about and not just feel like a bystander who sees the events unfold while the director shouts commands where the story should be heading. Good stories should never feel like that.
Sure, sometimes, like for the fantasy genre, authors first had to create new rules what should be considered as "realistic" for such stories, as there are no spells and fire-breathing dragons on earth, but they did and over time, own rules where established for such stories and created an own "in-universe realism", so that even stories about things that don't exist on earth could capture you, give you the feeling to be there and the opportunity to determine if the circumstances in the story make sense from a logical standpoint.
Good stories need to be realistic and in reality, Twilight and Spike wouldn't arrive at the Rich mansion almost instantly right after Spike opened his eyes, they would have a longer conversation in the air while flying, because life has no plot that needs to be followed.
By removing that part that you have added again now, the story missed a good portion of realism that can immerse you in it, so the advice by your editor wasn't a very good one.
As I said, I see this becoming more and more common today, this "If it doesn't serve the plot, then it is redundant" thinking and this excessive "professionalism" is killing good stories.
You should have a talk with your editor about that, seriously, if he makes you remove something from your story that is actually good and adds to it, then something is amiss.
You also shouldn't blindly follow an editor's advice, if a change makes you umcomfortable or is something that you haven't envisioned for your story, then don't do it.
Remember that this is still your story, not the editor's story.
Man, they DO realise Spike is (as I see it) the adoptive little brother to Twilight and as close to a son to Celestia, right? The retribution they pay better be worth the wait after this chap.
... Wow. Yeah that is pretty intense. Especially once she starts talking to Spike about how he's been broken by her.
And how Spike reflects on his normal life and can't come up with a good argument against it.
My blood boiled as I was reading Diamond's mistreatment to Spike. Spoiled Rich didn't help much either since she was getting back at him from his dinner proposal earlier.
Diamond better not keep on abusing him.
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7024087 I have some fairly interesting ideas on how Spike will be getting revenge in day 2 of his job as assistant... >=)
You folks brought up a good point about Celestia getting angered over Spike's treatment. I hadn't even considered it because of the way she doesn't react to how he's treated in the show, or how she's hooves-off most of the time when it comes to Blueblood or those other elite ponies who are either snobs or outright bullies. I already had planned one way Celestia is getting involved during the story, I may have to have her step in a little more than I planned.
The thing with Spoiled Rich is she's actually not breaking any rules that would allow Celestia to throw her in a dungeon. She's just an incredibly manipulative pony who finds the weak spots in other ponies (or dragon) and takes advantage of them. (At least that's how I read her character in her one appearance in the show so far.) Of course, turnabout is fair play and I imagine Celestia or Twilight could play the same kind of game.
In the end however, it will be Spike who solves his own problem, one way or another.
7024087
Problem with that is, as he said in this chapter, he was trapped by a cage of his own making. His words were used against him in such a way that he couldn't refuse. Well, he could (much as we want him to), but his insecurities kind of stop him.
Sad place to be in right now, Spike.
6995977 OK, here's comes a long reply to many of your recent comments!
It's odd to me that there are bronies who would react this way (I did see your analysis of that topic in your DA blog) because I also see Spike as representing the insecure and overlooked people in the world, but that makes me do the opposite and just love him all that much more.
Maybe I can soften Twilight's feeling bad about the nachos so it doesn't sound so preachy to you? I still don't feel the same way (especially after heaping on the pain for Spike in the subsequent chapters) but perhaps a softer apology would be a good compromise. After all, no one wants to turn away readers in the first chapter.
I see your point, and yeah, I feel for you
and I can't relate to that particular situation. But just as it might be easy for those who can relate to make the connection, for those of us who can't I still feel the show should have given some kind of hint she wasn't truly bad. As for Moondancer, I was fine with her characterization because her episode went out of its way to explain the chain of events that led to her current state-of-mind.
I am a little concerned I have written Diamond too vile which would undermine my original reason for doing this story - to show she has a good side. So I'm constantly fighting with how the story is flowing vs. where I want it to go.
I read it, and I agree with a lot of what you say (aside from my comments above about why some bronies hate Spike). As for "Spike at Your Service", I dislike that episode because Spike is so out-of-character, the "save-a-life, slave-for-life" premise is tired and there are so many other things they could have explored with his character instead of putting him in a cliche plot. In fact, it's arguable the episode did absolutely nothing to answer the many questions as to why he puts up with so much without complaint.
I made sure she mentioned multiple species, because the implication of her only mentioning dragon feet would indeed be racist/specist. I honestly don't know how Spoiled feels about dragons since she's spent so much time in Canterlot where they don't seem to have any around anymore.
Thanks for letting me know. It does read a bit too complicated, and I was worried about that. I'll work on improving it when I get the time. *Adds to the list of changes*
I suspect it's something that is taught in writing classes, which my editor attends a lot of. But I can't be sure.
The removal was actually a suggestion, and I followed it originally because Ch. 2 was a weird situation: I had submitted the unfinished chapter to them and I already knew it was running long, but wasn't ready to cut it short at that point. So when the suggestion to drop a lot of the flying stuff came through, I decided to compromise and just remove that one part during the flight because I figured it would help get it back in line with the length I wanted. As it turned out, I did eventually did have to split the chapter (and it's STILL getting split - I have yet to reach the end of day 1 which is where ch 2 was originally going to end!
) so the idea to drop some of sweeter moments wasn't necessary after all. I'm really glad you like that they are back! 
My editor is actually very good, they fix a few places where the text is very clunky and I tend to agree and say, "Oh yeah, that's a MUCH better way to say the same thing!"
However, they have been too busy lately so the last 2 chapters are both self-edited for the time being until they are available again, and nothing was cut from ch. 3 after it went through the editor. Ch 1 is also self-edited because it was so short!
I'm starting to read the new chapter soon. I'm excited to find out what she did that caused Spike to be so shocked.
I've gotten several theories what could have happened, but here's what I go with to pin that down here before I read it:
As I already hinted on, I think she ruined her room intentionally so that Spike has to clean up now and a lot more work to do, as revenge for it that he dared to talk back at her. The tears in her eyes are only there because she got whiny when Spike didn't come fast enough for her, cause she's used to get everything she wants immediately.
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this was a fun chapter GO SPIKE GO
Called it. Though, while continue to read, I started to think she did it more because she actually (subconsciously) wanted to provoke Spike to more remarks, because she (subconsciously) likes it that someone talks different with her than her mother for once.
But this dissipated quickly when she didn't appear the slightest bit disappointed over it that he didn't gave her any remarks.
+1 for referencing best
background ponyside pony.At least you quoted Derpy, Diamond. But you did it in the worst way possible.....
I have my utmost respect for Spike here. I couldn't deal with this situation. I would be either a nervous wreck af the end of the day and quit or I would lose control at one point and let Diamond feel my hoof in her face and probably get myself thrown out.
Poor Spike..... I know how it is to work for a tyrant who constantly torments you, I feel with him here.
I have some problems with the toilet part, namely with Spike's complaint about privacy.
In a nudist society that doesn't wear any clothes 90% of the time and where everyone can easily see Spike's package while he walks through the street because of that and is fine with it, it's doubtful that watching someone pee is considered a problem.
But this part is really great! I didn't expect some history here!
That ponies were once enslaved by dragons and griffons is an interesting theory. I would like to hear more about that.
Who are those princesses you refer to? I thought about Celestia and Luna first, but then I remembered that they couldn't have been it because they began to rule a lot later, as ponies already lived free (assuming ponies were ever slaves of dragons and griffons once).
But we know from the journal of Celestia and Luna as well as recently (recently for me at least, as I just finally read it) from the first issue of the Fiendship is Magic Series about King Sombra's past that unicorns were princesses in Equestria too once, so I'm interested if you have thought out more backstory for that.
And very intelligent title for the chapter, by the way! Associating "frying pan" with him being annoyed because he has to cook is genius.
I never really understood what bronies mean when they complain about Spikeabuse, Scootabuse, ect.
I know that these terms refer to fics where said ponies/dragon have to go through an incredible amount of hardships and that this makes you feel with them a lot, but pretty much suggesting that such fics shouldn't exist because of that is extreme.
By that logic, you would have to ban all fics that let their characters go through rough times and only allow fluffy fics full of rainbows and sunshine anymore (so, in other words, the opposite what G4 of My Little Pony is and what everyone loathes about the earlier generations).
Or do people really think that such dramatic fics are written by people to hate on certain ponies? I sure hope not, that would be a very paranoid assumption.
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Well, as I wrote there, they feel insecure themselves and Spike is showing them that, so they hate him for it.
Of course, since they don't like it that Spike puts a mirror in front of them, they never adress their own insecurities or admit them in front of themselves, cause that would just lead to it that they allow Spike to press the mirror even more into their faces.
So they come up with all sorts of reasons why his episodes supposedly suck to sleep better and to have a reason for not having to watch them again.
As I wrote in the analyzis too, the fandom would make for a very interesting psychological study because of that. Maybe I should write the guys at the Bronystudy one day, show them the journal and suggest them to examine this via surveys. I'm sure they would be very interested in that.
Nah, the apology is fine. It's really this "spare wagon wheel" comment by him that sounds like that. Believe it or not, this is an actual phrase I saw a lot of bronies using when they complained about it that Twilight and her friends never take Spike to any of their adventures.
Even after the Season 5 Opener I saw a lot of bronies saying things like "At least they gave a reason for him not coming with them this time....."
I'm slowly running out of arguments for this point, so I guess you get what you want.
They could have shown some other moments of her life where it would have looked through a little that she's not the monster she always looked like, but it also would have ruined a classical villain of the show (and the really good, classical "Some people are just assholes" villains are so rare nowadays anyway, so, even though Diamond Tiara was never that type of villain technically, it was still good that it seemed like this for more than four seasons) and a good plot twist that absolutely no one saw coming. Of course, the episode had a much bigger plot twist (even five in one even!), but one more didn't hurt.
You can't please everyone.
That's completely fine, you wrote her exactly the way she always appeared to be before "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" aired.
So far, she didn't do a single thing in this fic that I would put past her. You write her excellently in-character (for her past self).
And for being too vile, as you can read further above, I even suspected for a moment that she had a not-so-evil reason for messing up her bedroom, by actually, subconsciously hoping Spike would give her more snark, because it strangely entertained her in a way she can't explain.
It's fine that you made her seem rascist, that fits to her. We even know she is by the episode, her statement when she called Pip "that transplant from Trottingham" confirmed that. That's fine as it is and makes her more in-character.
Wow, I sure hope not! That would be a nightmare if they officially teach such detrimental stuff today in writing classes!
It's good to hear that the motivation to take it out came actually by yourself, not by your editor, that makes me very relieved.
And I'm also glad that nothing else was taken out.
Wow, you split it three times! It's good that you came up with writing so much more than you originally intended, that's a sign of a good writer!
It would read muss less interesting if the first day would already wrap after one much shorter chapter.
7028243 Hey, a mini-story comment from Hillbe! I finally feel like I've truly joined the ranks among all the other Spike authors!
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I'm glad you noticed the crying part. The reasons for her crying are complicated, and your guess is one of them. Without revealing too much, it's safe to say Diamond has a lot of good reasons to feel both sad and mad... Though none of them involve such outright bad stuff like physical abuse or anything like that.
I'm not quite as sure about that since the show has canonized the notion of closed-door bathrooms. It seems there must be some sense of embarrassment over using the toilet. Whether it's because male genitalia is tucked away and seeing it is not socially acceptable or because it's the actual act itself that they have shame over is unknown. I went with the former and simply subscribed to the notion that Spike keeps his willie hidden when he's out and about. I mean, he's got freakin' pockets built into his scales for storing gems and stuff, so seems like something else could be stowed away too, (And what's up with those pockets, anyway?
I chuckle whenever I see him pull gems out of nowhere like that.)
Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it! Actually I was thinking of those two but the time in question for breaking in slaves was well before the events of Hearthswarming Eve, so in this little backstory it was long before the princesses were around and the practice only existed sporadically by the time they were. I guess when I say "wild stallions," I don't literally mean feral horses like we have. Instead I think of really ancient ponies that were a lot more primitive and tribal than they even were in the story of "Hearthswarming," so stallions (and mares too) had to be broken before they would make good slaves to some dragonlord or such.
I must admit I haven't read the Journal of the Two Sisters yet, and I really should. Because of that, I was nervous writing that part because it felt like I was throwing darts blindfolded and could only hope at least some of them landed close to the target.
Thanks again, that's very astute of you!
I've been carrying this theme of food/eating on throughout the story since it's mentioned in the title, but there isn't any vore or anything that will happen like that. It's just something fun to do.
I guess I will say I feel like having an apex predator living among his prey is something I kinda hoped they would showcase in the series. Twilight being irrationally nervous in ch. 2 was just my way of touching on that. It's funny, because I saw "Zootopia" this past weekend and I saw the underlying, undisclosed tension between predator and prey in that movie in full view, and couldn't help but think that was the same sort of dynamic I sometimes wonder about with Spike living among a bunch of fuzzy meatbags.
In the sense I used it in my author's notes, I was referring to how Spike gets abused on the show; usually being the butt of some joke or physical gag and nopony seems to care that he's getting hurt.
. That's what I see a lot of fans complaining about. Interestingly enough, I put Apple Bloom as #2 on the list of abused characters because it seems like she too is always getting doors slammed in her face or getting hit with things. That's probably not really true; I suspect if I actually cataloged all the events of physical abuse to the main characters, it would be somewhat evenly divided. I guess it's because Spike and the CMC are kids that I tend to notice it more.
Exactly, and that's why I figured it would be OK to give Spike a tough time here since I know he's going to get his time to shine soon.
I wonder now if after all the horrors he likely saw traveling through the various alternate timelines he's gotten over that sentiment
, presuming of course he ever really had it.
I keep forgetting she referred to him like that. So not only does she suffer from classism but she also seems to be anti-immigrant as well as maybe racist and specist. Basically anypony she's not interested in or doesn't fall into line with her world view is beneath her.
Or a terrible planner.