Just One Wish

It's almost Heath's Warming Eve, and Apple Bloom thinks her big sister deserves a present she'll never forget. But she needs some help to make it come true, thankfully, she knows just the princess...

This is my first fan fiction, so constructive criticism is appreciated!

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 8 )

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Gingerquill

Gingerquill #1 · Nov 8th, 2015 · 4 · ·

Not bad for a first shot at a fic. Not bad at all.

Firstly, I loved the subject, Applebloom doing something special for AJ, even getting Luna in on the deal. Real Hearths Warming touchy feely stuff :) Got my feels going.

Okay, so constructive critique.

I'd use either page breaks or a line to separate different scenes. For example;

unexpected idea popping into her head, “Hm… yeah…that’s it!” She says with a wide smirk, gripping the photo in her mouth, trotting quietly to her book bag, sliding it inside. She happily climbs in bed, looking over to her sister as she lies down, “Ah promise Applejack, you’ll never forget this Hearth’s Warming.” She says, Applebloom knowing where she is heading first thing in the morning, and just the dragon she needs to see.

Applejack scrunched her face, stirring as she felt the warmth of the sun on her face, the shine coming in through the window nearby. She rubs her eyes gently, yawning faintly, the night having mended her body and mind a tad, though a soft throb in her head remains. A glance to her clock catches her off guard as she sees the time, “Ah know Ah was tired, but shoot.” She mumbles to herself, the clock reading a bit past nine AM. Next

Just picking that one out, a dotted line in between the paragraphs would more clearly separate the two scenes.

Also you're doing one of the things I was caught doing, what is called a 'wall of text'.

Applebloom’s eyes widen as she gasps, “Mom and Dad!” She squeals out softly, how could she have missed it? They didn’t look too much younger than she remembers them from other photographs. Granted she was young when she had last seen them. She smiles, remembering all the stories she had heard from Applejack, all about how great and caring they were. How they would all play when they got home from school, and about the times when dad would make funny faces to cheer them up when they were sad. Applebloom looked around, wondering how it got on the bedroom floor in the first place. She looked over to Applejack, then back to the photo, tying the two together. It all made sense, all the quietness and relentless farm work. Applejack must’ve been missing them something fierce. It wasn’t unheard of for her sister to work hard to cope with things, and she knew for a fact Applejack would never share what was bothering her. “How could Ah cheer ya up?” She says to Applejack, knowing she’s still in slumber. She sits on her haunches and starts to ponder. She rubs a hoof on her chin, fiddling with her bow, “Maybe if… nah.” She says, “Or Ah could…Eh, too borin’.” She rolls onto her back as she looks around, a unexpected idea popping into her head, “Hm… yeah…that’s it!” She says with a wide smirk, gripping the photo in her mouth, trotting quietly to her book bag, sliding it inside. She happily climbs in bed, looking over to her sister as she lies down, “Ah promise Applejack, you’ll never forget this Hearth’s Warming.” She says, Applebloom knowing where she is heading first thing in the morning, and just the dragon she needs to see.

It can be heavy going to read through. But it just needs breaking up a bit, into smaller paragraphs so it's easier on the eye :)

Hope these little pointers help, and please produce more happy stories like this :) I love happy stories, even though I can't seem to write them myself

Comment posted by -Skyline- deleted Nov 8th, 2015

Diamond Sparkle

Diamond Sparkle #3 · Nov 9th, 2015 · · ·

Very sweet.

RainythePegasus_Archive

RainythePegasus_Archive #4 · Nov 9th, 2015 · · ·

Aww this is so sweet and heart warming. and this is really your first fic? Great job!

The Devious Writer

The Devious Writer #5 · Nov 9th, 2015 · · ·

Please don't bold the entire description.

Wasen

Wasen #6 · Nov 9th, 2015 · 1 · ·

A very sweet short story. If you'd ask me however I would put Luna's revelation at the end of the dream because I feel like if she appeared in my dream from the beginning, I would immediately know it was a dream and nothing more than that. By revealing her at the end however do I feel would have a bigger impact on Applejack seeing her parents again.

“Look Applebloom, I know it has a lot of weight you’re counting on. Your sis is a hardworking pony that deserves what you want for her, but remember: You mean more than any gift in the world to her. You being you is the greatest gift you could give.”
I feel like this could've been more expanding on as well, as the story ends in the middle of the dream and we don't see any interactions between them after Applebloom writes the letter. It could've been nice to ending up on the morning with them having a heartfelt conversation.

deadmemes

deadmemes #7 · Jan 18th, 2020 · · ·

"I've waited so long to fulfill one Last Wish..." -Riven of A Thousand Voices

Robipony

Robipony #8 · Jul 19th, 2021 · 1 · ·

I would strongly give your story a description, telling the potential reader what the story is about and thus making it easier for them to know if they actually want to read it or not. Just some friendly advice.

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