- Member Since 6th Nov, 2011
- offline last seen Sep 19th, 2018
TimbukTurnip
I'm starting to notice a pattern in who the main characters are in the stories I upload.
TimbukTurnip
Joined 6th Nov, 2011 ·
Offline
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This god awful piece of messy writing is a failed experiement gone horribly wrong that I got tired of looking at and gave up on. In hindsight, considering I had not written sappy or second person before this, it was probably a bad idea to jump straight into both at once. Additionally, it was probably a bad idea to try writing something in the middle of exams.
I kept changing my mind between telling the reader what they should feel and letting them decide for themselves. I prefer the latter, as doing the former makes it feel less like a second person story and more like an oc story. Messed that up too though.
For some reason, I also seem unable to write a oneshot longer than 3000 words.
Despite all this, any criticism is still greatly appreciated. Considering how bad this turned out, I'll probably never try something like it again, but any comments and pointers people give all help me to improve, even if it's just by a little bit.
685574
I always find it funny when writer's downplay their works in order to receive higher praise in turn that their fic is actually good..... and this was good. A commendable work, lad. Good job.
685574
This writing isn't god-awful, it's bucking beautiful. The only criticism I can offer is the slight tinge of cliche-ness in the scene in the bedroom when the moonlight shines across Fluttershy. Your descriptions and the story itself were good, though, and quite heartwarming. Good show, lad
just what i dreamt last night, are you god mister?
this was beautiful!
Short, sweet, and played enough with emotions for it to work and be believable. I enjoyed this, and wouldn't mind seeing more from you.
As for pointers, more sensory details could help. What did the room smell like? How did the tea taste? How did the kiss taste?
Either way, this was good.
I think I'm love with another author
this was very nice!
good job mr turnip!
Good Written, kinda reminded me of a happy version of the Goosebumps show, but...
myfacewhen.net/uploads/3132-fluttershy-nigga-please.png
685574 Definately not a failed experiment. Not close to that at all! You did a pretty good job!
I have only one word that can describe this: Cute.
I loved it, short, sweet and freaking adorable!dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_OMG_LOVE.png
-Glassed
I am so jealous of the main character.... oh wait, its me!!!
Don't say that. Your story is wonderful!
Fantastic!
That... was adorable. And quite well written. You seriously don't need to downplay yourself.
This is Fluttershipping, so I already like it. It's well written, so there's a plus. I only wish it were longer. Not only because I like your writing, but because a full-fledged story that goes from "maybe more then friends" to "I love you" would never actually happen in < 3,000 words. Then again, this is shipping; the likelihood of it happening at all isn't exactly huge anyway. All things considered...
/ 
I was perfectly happy to read and enjoy your fic.
Total score:
mylittleponycollecting.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/clapping.gif
Stealing this from the reader a few spots before me, butmylittleponycollecting.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/clapping.gif . Well done, well done. Have some happy faces.
691056 Actually, I downplay it so that people know what flaws I know it has and so don't waste their time pointing out things I already know, but instead (hopefully) use it to give me pointers on how I could improve those points.
If that makes sense. I know what I mean.
691102 694162 I was worried it would come out a bit cliche-y. I do need to work on finding new ways of describing things.
691130 Not typically
691140 Thanks for the tips! I'll keep them in mind for whenever I next write something. Hell, I'll probably come back to this and lengthen it at some point, including those pointers when I do so. This story is far too short at the moment.
691218 I never watched Goosebumps, so I'll take your word for it
That picture is great though.
692599 Indeed, its length is one of my main troubles with this story. Not just because of the reasons you put either; to date, the only thing I have written and uploaded on its own was the first chapter of a story that I've not yet continued past the second chapter almost half a year ago.
As I said above though, if I get some free time I plan to lengthen this story a bit. It will be far from perfect, but it will at least be over 3000 words and hopefully make everything seem just a tiny bit more believeable.
691133 691169 691278 691380 691611 691872 691934 694334
Cheers for the kind words! This story could've been a lot better, but I'm mostly content if at least some people liked it
Hm, tasty.
Like a fic version of candy.
I love those.
honestly if i dated a pony, it would be fluttershy. Great job
"
fluttershy: " Why thank you mister
me: " ur just so awesome "
You know most Fluttershy romance fictions that I have read which has only been 3 so far, I had personally thought this was going to be straight out sex. But it is nice to read a story like this that just has that awe feeling for the main or all characters.
So please take it from me this story is just freaking awesome.iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-then-and-now.gif
good this ain't a clopfic or else google.com/imgres?hl=en&biw=1366&bih=667&gbv=2&tbm=isch&tbnid=QyXNZQJL8dd83M:&imgrefurl=http://www.backyardchickens.com/t/547485/mlp-fim-fanclub/180&docid=nOzPxBaMkzLXlM&imgurl=http://www.backyardchickens.com/forum/uploads/64972_fus_ro_dah.png&w=625&h=494&ei=AbLPT6auJoHi2gXYscjLDA&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=591&vpy=149&dur=2780&hovh=200&hovw=253&tx=128&ty=105&sig=103946476326524002850&page=1&tbnh=140&tbnw=177&start=0&ndsp=19&ved=1t:429,r:2,s:0,i:78
I liked it
I hope you continue it.
704132 706071 I honestly freaked myself out a bit when I wrote the ending scene, so even if I had wanted this to become a clopfic, I never would've been able to do it
740735 I have no idea how I would continue this if I ever chose to. I intend to lengthen this at some point when I have free time, but beyond that, I have no plans for it. Maybe in the future I might do stories like this for the rest of the mane six or something, but who knows.
Amazing!
A downright beautiful piece of writing. I loved it!
A bit clichè, yes, but did it occur to you that it may not be a bad thing? You expect every bite from a marshmallow to be sweet, you know?
The story is short, but sweet, and beautifully written. My only complaint is that it is a little short. But a failure? Certainly not!
Bravo. Simply Grand.
stickerish.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/MeGustaBlackSS.png
Cute.
Pretty good, except for fluttershy making the first move. Seems out of character in my opinion.
Cute! I like it
Man Fluttershy is very dominate in bed! I like that
.
5378595 I can see it, that horny horsey!
Who would've guessed fluttershy was the queen of the bed
It is because of fics like this one that I hate reading short stories. They're so good, and I always want more when I finish them!