- Member Since 16th May, 2012
- offline last seen 6 hours ago
Idsertian
British, Brony, plays vidjya garmez. Also ships ponies, because reasons. Twilight and Luna are tied for Best Princess.
Idsertian
Joined 16th May, 2012 ·
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I honestly don't know what to think after reading this. It was a good story, well written, and I enjoyed it. . . . But I'm not sure if I should have enjoyed it. I just don't know.
That aside it was a brilliant story with a nice concept (nice being a relative term considering the concept) so overall well done.
I absolutly loved this. Also is it bad that I was cackling like a madman?
6601790 Glad you enjoyed, even if you're not sure you should have.
6601883 Not at all, but don't be surprised if the nice men in the white coats come knocking.
6601894 Oh I won't be. Also keep up the fantastic work, you are a great writer.
6601915 Why, thank you.
6601885 well it's probably not a good thing that I enjoyed watching someone get tortured and murdered so brutally. And I'm with Trithtale, there was at least a little bit of cackling going on.
6602134 Well, at least you're concerned that you enjoyed it, that's one thing.
It's been quite a long time since I have read such a wonderfully dark story. I found it quite satisfying and it reminded me why I like this kind of story.
6602423 Excellent, I did it right, then. Glad you liked it.
You definitely need to write more like this.
This is the best kind of dark.
6694125 Why, thank you. Glad you liked it. I may write more in the future, but I have other things doing at the moment.
*crashes through your window*
I have arrived, for your due review, Ids. So here it is.
*SPOILER WARNING
At first glance, the title was catchy. Read the description, and thought, 'Interesting angle. May be enjoyable.' Then I read it... and if it weren't for juggling my own project (as you're well aware XD), or hitting the bowl one too many times, I'd have finished this sooner.
I found this to be an easy read, despite the length, and that's rare, to me. Almost everything ran smooth as silk, from Octavia's rise from sleep to the voices that thundered in her head. Why it doesn't have more views? Well, I've a hypothesis, but we'll get to that in a moment.
Aside from being very readable, the main character, Octavia, was an absolute masterpiece. Combined with freakishly good storytelling, she felt as real as she did calculating and evil. I felt as though most of her character was flushed out: how her prey started small as a filly, then how she hunted bigger game as she grew. I admit, I half-expected Octavia to kill her main squeeze by the end. Have you ever felt relieved AND disappointed at the same time? It's f**king maddening. Anyway, a VERY strong aspect of this story was the atmosphere. Sweet s**t... It's quite a shame you couldn't post this on Halloween Day, for I feel it may have gained more faves JUST for the tone you've set here. Cold, dark, tense, anticipating, gripping―felt all those as Octavia prowled the streets. And somehow―SOMEHOW―you made the whole 'Canterlot's Redlight District' trope stand out from most others. Whether it was how well you've told the story of the whores who ran the streets, or how you've written Octavia's mastery of it all, I simply can't tell how you've surpassed it's ilk. But you did, and you should be proud.
The characterization, as I anticipated, was spot-the-f**k-on. I'm sure I've gushed enough about Octavia. What really got my attention was Ruby. Typically, I regard OCs in a very critical light. They have to have a purpose, a goal, motivation and an obstacle (short-term or otherwise) to be made believable or relatable. Just like any other character in ANY other story. This, mare, Ruby, fit that description in a heartbeat. Even better, was that Octavia was hunting for someone just like her. A young, naive, inexperienced mare who struggles through the grind. Who has doubts fears, apprehension, goals, habits that annoyed Octavia (bonus points for that, by the by) and generally being a character you can't help but like. The only problem I had in that regard, was that I just KNEW she was gonna f**kin die. This issue actually stems into all the others.
Which I will mention now...
Despite the storytelling, characterization, atmosphere, and overall 'yes' that this story possessed, it fell short because of one thing... conflict. I liked the direction you went with the Octavia, but aside from growing impatient with Ruby's giggling habit, there was nothing edge-of-seat-worthy about their meeting. It would've been fantastic if Ruby had been even the slightest bit suspicious about her client. Even better if Octavia let her accent slip once or twice before the real fun began, or if her absolutely BADASS knife fell out of her mane. Though, I understand the implications: that Octavia had mastered the hunt, so she was above rookie mistakes. But in the end, that's makes more engaging characters and situation―when they f**k up something they have NO business f**king up, due to nerves, anticipation, distractions or what have you.
My other problem was the climax, which ties into my first problem. Don't get me wrong it had the right amount of buildup, perfectly maintained atmosphere and a clear goal. The problem is, with literally NO obstacles to keep Octavia from her prize, I, as a reader, felt no satisfaction during, or after the kill. While you've succeeded in giving me a horrendous case of shivers when Octavia snuggle the corpse (ya sick f**k), the payoff failed to impress. Again, with more obstacles, the climax would've killed me with joy. Say, since Ruby was 'getting into' her little role, it may have been a good hook to start asking Octavia about her life. You know, s**t prostitutes shouldn't normally do with their clients?
In the end, despite the fantastic setup, Octavia had almost NO challenge on her hunt. Despite most of the mares running the streets passed her up, she wasn't even bothered. She found exactly what she was looking, got her kicks, got her rocks off, and returned just in time to snuggle with her mare. Just... eh.
All in all, combining the ups and downs, I rate this a 6 out of 10. A decent read. I look forward to your next piece, Ids.
Craine...
PS: Octavia with a country twang... You think you're f**kin clever, don't ya?
6890863
Good man.
Probably because I've only 63 followers, posted it at a weird time of day (for the site), and it has the deadly combination of "Mature, Sex, Gore" tags. That turns off a surprising amount of people.
Hehehe.
Aww, yeah!
eyebrows.gif
That's always going to be an issue with these sorts of fics; foregone conclusion.
Damn you and your good ideas. I wish I'd done that, now. Oh well.
One day, I will master conflict. Today is not that day, but one day it will be subjugated before my will and I shall write a truly amazing story.
One day.
*Grins*
derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/3/15/850096__safe_solo_screencap_apple+family+reunion_fiddly+faddle.png
(Click me!)
LATE EDIT BECAUSE FIMFIC WENT DOWN: Many thanks for writing this up, man, glad you (mostly) enjoyed. Was eager to get your thoughts on it.
This is disturbing.
SPOILER WARNING, don't read the below if you haven't already finished the story.
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This story gave me some interesting feelings.
Firstly, I get the impression that the intention was to scare/shock/unsettle/terrify, and I think it succeeds wonderfully. The atmosphere was fantastic throughout, the descriptions at just the right level to paint a detailed portrait that made you feel you were right there, without getting in the way of the pacing.
Secondly, the portrayal of Octavia as a near-perfect killer was brilliantly realised, in a way that suggested she really could be that way in-canon, lurking beneath her smooth exterior. Her thoughts, words and actions were described in such a way that they conveyed the horror, but without it becoming cliche or torture porn.
It's a really good story.
But I reacted in a way I really did not expect. I love villains as characters in every medium, and I rarely root for anyone but the bad guys. The smoother, more calculating, cunning, remorseless and competent the villainess, the better, in my book. And I loathe OCs, to the point I've often considered changing my short bio blerb on my profile to 'Remember, nobody loves your OC as much as you do.' So it came as quite a surprise to me when I was hoping Ruby would survive, somehow. Not saying that I wanted Octavia to be caught, although that would have done the trick, but anything that would have led to her release/escape/rescue would have been the ending I was looking for.
Perhaps this is due to what one of the below commenters mentioned about the absence of struggle; that Octavia's plan goes swimmingly from start to finish, and so the story lacks conflict/drama. I'm really glad I read this story and learned that, because I've been intending to do the same thing myself in various stories, and so now know such a sequence may not turn out as well as I had hoped. So thank you, that's invaluable, and I do hope there's a solution out there that keeps the integrity and success of the villainous character without this effect. Then again, maybe it was just that you wrote Ruby really, really well (and didn't give her a stupid over-the-top Mary Sue Equestrian name).
I enjoyed the story, I thought it good, and I'm glad I read it (I did so at night with the lights off, as recommended). Thanks for writing it.
(Happy to edit this comment to cover things with spoiler tags as necessary if you would like).
7615168 Oh hey, it's the Firedance commenter!
*reads*
Yes! Good, I love it when I get characterisation and atmosphere on point. I try hard at that, I'm glad you liked it.
No-one likes bad OC's, but I'm really surprised you were rooting for Ruby. She was given only what was needed to flesh her out, and even an annoying trait to kind of turn readers off of her (much to Tavi's chagrin), since the whole point was not a standard run-of-the-mill "good guys win" type story, and more of "we know Tavi's going to murder the fuck out of someone tonight, but how is it going to go down?" type of thing. A story about the journey, rather than the destination, if you will.
As for her name, it's a working pseudonym anyway (which she explains), rather than her "real" name (which I never came up with, since I'm terrible with names). So yeah, that's why she doesn't have a super-try-hard name.
But yeah, thanks for reading, thanks for the review and glad you enjoyed! Did you listen to the piece that inspired it? Or better yet while reading? It's in the description and was instrumental (haha) in the writing of this story.
Oh, lastly, you don't need to spoiler anything, but a spoiler warning at the top of your comment would be great.
7615416
MORE SPOILERS HERE, GO AWAY.
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Hey man, that's me, here just as promised. 5,500 words into my own Spitfire story now, with no sign of stopping. Thanks for that
I was as surprised as you are! For what it's worth, I don't think the annoying trait is as annoying in print as it would be on screen; I registered that Tavi found it annoying but wasn't actually annoyed by it myself, whereas I might have been if hearing it out loud in the show. Maybe it was her backstory, sad but not tragic, struggling but not broken, that made me root for her, but I've never noticed that effect in any other character. Maybe it was just how well you described it all, it made it all believable without needing huge amounts of detail. My own guess, though, is that there was no struggle on Tavi's part, there was never any doubt it would go exactly to the plan. I'm not sure if it's quite the same thing, but there's a rule on TV tropes (particularly for heist movies, but in theory applicable to any) that if the audience hears the plan being made, then actual events won't go according to plan, as it's boring for audiences to see happen exactly what was already explained would happen, there's no suspense involved. I'm certainly not saying this was boring, not by any stretch. But for a horror story, there wasn't as much suspense as one might otherwise expect, as the outcome was never in doubt.
That said, I don't know how you'd write such a competent villain yet still leave potential areas in which they could fail. The below suggestion about an accent slip could work, but Tavi seems much too smart and controlled for that. I wondered about if the Canterlot security forces had noticed that somepony is always violently murdered on Nightmare Night, and might have surreptitiously upped their surveillance.
Oh I got the in-story explanation, but I think it also did you wonders out-of-story, as it avoided an annoyingly try-hard OC one. Ah, I hadn't noticed the music in the link, I tend to leave that sort of thing in case others' taste in music puts me off their story, but will give it a listen now. <Four minutes later> That's a lovely arrangement, I wish I could remember the original well enough to compare the two, I'll listen to that later perhaps. Oddly enough that sets more of a sad tone than a scary one, I'd have thought something more like Nine Inch Nails, but you're welcome to throw my comment back at me about differing music tastes
Although, the same creator's minor key arrangement of Winter Wrap Up is amazing!
7620262 Yeah, conflict is my weak spot, as my editor has pointed out to me in the past. One day I will get it. One day.
I have thought about expanding on the story, vis-à-vis, the Royal Guard, but I'm not sure if this is one of those stories that should get a sequel, or stand on its own. Certainly I have a few ideas, but I don't know if they're enough to carry forward more stories.
Interesting how you interpret the music. For me, it's foreboding and tense, building up to something dark and terrible. And yeah, AP's stuff was good, shame they stopped making it. I have Hush Now, Winter Wrap Up, At the Gala and Rainbow Factory Waltz all in my library.
7626530 It's cool, conflict isn't the focus of the story, and it does make Octavia all the more competent.
I think perhaps if the Royal Guard had been part of the plan from the beginning, that could have tied into it pretty well, but I'd say it's best as it is without a sequel. Not that that's to say it doesn't deserve one (what does Tavi do the next year, after all?), just that I don't think that would serve this story as well as letting it stand alone would.
Hmmm, yeah, interesting difference of opinion on the music; it'd be great to hear someone make a sung version of those tracks, complete with the words, I wonder how different they'd sound.
The perfect story for halloween, I love this story and re-read it almost every year on halloween.
11408932 Thanks, my dude. Good to know this is still entertaining people... *checks*... 7 years later.
Sweet baby Jeebus.