Foxxy, thats me, I write and shit, rap, make music. Request something and I'll do it. I collab a lot with Magicolt808 and silversky
The Fallen, Princess Celestia's Monster Mercenaries, capturing only the strongest and most vile creatures throughout Equestria and imprisoning their evil in Tartarus. One day they come across a small town called Ponyville, while on a mission to find an infamously dangerous creature. They quickly made friends, relationships, and enemies. All seemed well, until they received a letter from the Princess that changed everything.
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Buckshot is my OC. Just so everybody knows!
682876
The OC pony I created for you lol
my artist sig in the lower left
Crimson Sky is my OC pony.
Om mshabada like it
Boy, this doesn't seem like the typical pretentious group-of-bronies-just-having-fun stereotype. Not at all. Nope. It's completely normal. People acting "cool" and saving other people and being normal about it? Nah. That's original. Do carry on.
687964
I dont get what you mean, I also dont think the story has unfolded far enough for you to be judging it.
687964 Are you implying that us having fun is a bad thing? You're right, it is a bunch of bronies having fun,and you know what, we don't all have to be serious writers all the time. This was for fun and you know what, its actually written pretty well. Please don't leave retarded comments like this, because it makes you seem idiotic and shallow. Just like your writing. Good day.
688862
You know hes a serious writer because his name is CheeseDeluxe
688811
688862
You guys can have your fun. I don't give a damn. What I'm saying is that this looks like your average "oh hey we're buddies going on an adventure" story, but you fail to nail the character relationships. You're not making your characters look like characters. Labeling all of them sacks of flour wouldn't be inappropriate. Hell, they might as well be the same sack of flour, because you also fail to differentiate them. Give people habits, verbal tics. Give them something so they can be different. And not just one superficial thing (e.g. his eyes are red; her coat is a striking jet black). Give them personalities. Make sure they interact with each other differently. Go stalk a group of friends in real life and take notes.
Unless you're writing about how they grow apart and/or become different from each other (in which case, feel free to ignore my advice), you're doing it wrong. Characters should be people, not personality-lacking sacks of flour (and God forbid the same sack).
689469 Trust me, I see the same thing. What I was trying to get at was that it has only begun. Lots of stories use arcs and side chapters to explain emotion, characterization and personality. We have lots of time for that and we plan to use every minute of it. Just give this story some time to grow. I'm sure we'll nail personality and characterization at that time. But at this beginning, we wanted to jump straight into whats happening rather than have a rather boring first chapter about our OC's pasts. Again, we will have lots of time for that later. Thank you though for sharing that with us. I'm sure we will take that into account when we write the next chapter.
689469
A major reason people feel connected to characters is because they learn about them over time, not like I just give them a list about all their traits and characteristics.
690141
Good for you. However, at this point, your characters are the same sack of flour. At least give them different speaking habits so I know who's talking. Or something. Make sure their personality seeps into their voices and actions from the get-go.
691806
One of them is a fucking cowboy
One of them speaks pretty calmly all the time
And the other one is hot headed?
687964
Sorry my stories about pony making pudding.
one, first
second: MOAR! and #3 longer chapters plz, if you can that is.
697729
Got it Got It Got it
Thanks, Fans always keep my spirits high
692237
It's not easily discernible. Try harder.
693267
As bad as it is, I don't think you actually read it. Read it and don't criticize me until you do so. (But please do; criticisms are always welcome!)
697790
I dedicated an entire chapter to them.
If you can't see their personas then i'm sorry but i'm not gonna write you a list.
Follow the story and learn about the characters as the story progresses
697801
I've learned nothing. Most writers can make me learn something about a character within the first chapter.
When I have proper access to a computer, I'll point out the exact problems.
So Rarity just gave the majority of the credit to Silver, even though Spike was the one who went through all the trouble and almost got killed.
700805
Spike would probably also gotten killed if left alone.
701092 Yea so Silver should of been thanked for saving him or bringing him home safely not for bringing Rarity the gems, that was all Spike's prerogative.
701160
Youre absolutely right, I'll make the change when uploading the next chapter
701191 and again to be fair, Buck and Sky did the actual saving, Silver was just kind of there.
701223
Thas true, but Rarity doesn't know that, and Spike doesn't either (seeing as he was knocked out) so it seems logical they would assume Silver helped.
701234 Very true, I just find it kind of funny he keeps getting credit for other peoples actions.
701249
lol I'll be sure to fix that up.
Any other advice?
701292 Well your characterization is mildly lacking, but I assume were going to learn more as we go, most mercenaries aren't exactly the talkative type after all.
The only other thing I suppose is that you make a mistake with your dialect. "You need a comma when you use said he and so," said Cloud. "It should also always be inside the parentheses, same if you end it with a period, question mark, or exclamation mark."
701327
Yeah I was thinking you leave about them as it unfolds.
And dialogue has been always been a weakness of mine, the guy who usually edits and fixes the drafts was asleep when me and Magicolt uploaded this.