Edit: Sorry, that was before I read the story.

737761
I see a lot of potential in this story, but it could use some polish. There were a few grammar errors and I've noticed you're awfully fond of run-on sentences. I recommend having someone pre-read this for you. I'd be happy to do so for you. PM me if you're interested.

737661 well the ai on his pipbuck is called vista: nuff said

pretty good like Solaris said grammar errors use Google docs to write with my FoE fic Im writing I use it to write it and its got a spell check to

Pritty good so far, i will gladyly read the next instalment!

wow, its getting alot of good feedback :d
so i decided to do somthing a little off the wall, as you readers know, Orion is a blankflank. i want you guys to decide what his special talent is and why, also id like to see if you can create a cutiemark for him.
best idea will go into the story

Chalenge ACEPTED!

well i was thinking along the lines of a clould raining hail, sence he has some control over the weather and is best at making it rain hail and make ice cubes, i unfortunately lack the talent on gimp to make it look any better than a two year olds drawing sooo, i wont bother trying to make a pic..... but the inspiration is there for anyone who is more talented at computer art soft wear! I face hoof my self for your amusement....

Almost forgot, i made him on General Zoi's Pony Creator, simply type in pony creator on the devient art serch bar, itl be a flash game, here is the code that you can imput to see him come to life!
283W0030104F4747FEFFFF0000000FFFEUN1837000000001U1000000FFFFFE00107F3FCC004CB2

Ps: this is for Orion by the way :D

744600 hey dont worry about quality man, if needbe i can tidy up any pics as needed, id just like to see how you guys who are making me grin so much think Orions talents lay

Maybe tonight I might read this.

769226 if you do i hope for some feedback :D
i know my gramma still sucks but im still so happy with how well received the story has been :D

769262

If feedback is what you want I'll be sure to tell you what I thought of it.

769286 im always up for advice and feedback, theres no such thing as the perfect story and only through others eyes can i see what i did wrong

Okay here we go. *Cracks neck*

Well the idea is very nice, and the whole family thing was very emotional. However, it feels like he knows where he's going, like: "I just got out, better go this way cause it's right!" To me it just seems that way to me.

Plus Happy is a cool pony name.

I would like to see more back story on who he was besides his family, like his education, friends, and so on before the bombs. I also don't know if I missed his age or what but it says he's a teenager yet I have no clue how old he is. Whether I missed that or not it would be nice to know.

Grammar is fine, and plus if I saw some mistakes I wouldn't think much of them anyway. His inner thoughts are like real, like they are the thoughts of a real pony/person which makes it enjoyable. It would also be nice if he had a scar or something from the timber wolves because it was such a big deal and having that with him could make things interesting at points in time.

Characters are nice, and the way it introduced itself is nice. The one thing I would do is make it seem darker. Like: I just got out and I have no clue what's out here.

It just seems like the world is empty and he is the only one he has to worry about, and not to take into account that others might be out there. A more easier way of saying this is, he needs to be more cautious. Then again his age, life, and other stuff could stop that. I don't know it's just me.

I can't honestly say more then what has been said. Others seem to have got the other problems already.

The verdict:

It is a very good story. Some little problems here and there but I can tell you no story is perfect. Keep at it and good luck with the rest of the story.

I give this chapter a 9 out of 10. Good luck!

- Noakwolf

(I probably won't follow the story because believe it or not I have my own stories to write and the few I do follow I'm pretty devoted to. Plus life and other stuff gets in the way.)

773555 wow thanks :D
thats ALOT more info than any prereader has given me, plus you hit on alot of what i wanted to address in chapter 2. been reading my notes?
dont worry its going to get alot darker, the empty world thing was intentional, orion is going to get a major wakeup call when the reality of the wastelands hits him in the face.
I missed the age issue, thanks for pointing that out :D
now i just have to take a look at your story, only fair plus im a real fallout nut :D
i also bet the storys you follow are say heroes and project horizons?
thanks again for the info, its going to help iron out alot i missed

774995

NO NO NO NO NO!

I read PH and didn't like it (at all) and I haven't got around to reading heros though I plan to later. :3

This fic has real potential. The characters are very enjoyable and they seem genuine. This shit deserves a thumbs up and a fave good job.

-Noakwolf sent me here btw.

“This? Its a 9mm pistol with walnut grips and a polished slide!”

That dual rifle rig uses 5.56 mill ammunition, I don't carry a calibre that big but its fairly common

Isn't 9mm bigger than 5.56 mm? I think 11mm is about .45 caliber.
Are all 12 of her pistols 9mm? (That would explain why she trusts Orion to load them without mixing up the ammo)