Electric Aura
Joined 28th May, 2015 ·
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Not bad
so is she a sugar mama now, or is it the stallion that sugar daddy?
Why'd you write the stallion as some brute?
I'm eyeing that dislike button.
i789.photobucket.com/albums/yy172/SebastianMehenka/bth_GRINCHSMILE.gif
lol jk
Just a quick warning: the cover art source leads directly to a NSFW page, which could land you into some hot water. May want to remove the link.
Otherwise, pretty good story
why is it that mares can't stay indoors whenever their heat cycle kicks in? I've noticed that pattern.
6523196 Thanks for the constructive criticism, it's helpful. :)
6523279 Thanks
6524441 Oops! I even reminded myself to not do that, thank you. I fixed it now.
6524535 Because that would make for boring fanfics
6524415
6524260 He's not THAT brutish... Is he? I thought I did an okay job making him appear sorta sweet at the end.
6524940 how is a one night stand sweet? He literally left the story.
6524940 You wrote the stallion like some unintelligent creature. It doesn't speak, all it wants to do is mate, and it lets out a 'primal screech'. It's like he has the intelligence level of a dog.
6525020 That was the point, wild, untamed, his only goals based on instinct... Hmmm... Maybe I should revise the description...
6525092 or he can just stay with her.
6524921
)
in all honesty, it probably wouldn't take much to make an actual story about the mare raising the child. Just reading it over put ideas in my head of how it would go on (because my mind is wired like that, idk
6525159 Believe me, I'm thinking about it, I'm stuck between leaving this as a one shot, or finishing it with an epilogue, or even another chapter. In reality they're a couple, but for a little fun I made the story the way it is. I could always do an entirely different story with them too... AHHH IDEAS!
6525160 These two are a couple, and I do have a whole family for them, I'm just not sure if I wanna do that here, or in a new story.
6525176 well, you can always add that he came back with a apple for her, and that she asked if he was going to stay with her. This is just me spit blowing here.
6525182
You would have my undying support if you did. Given their differences it wouldn't be hard to concoct a plot, but your characters, your story. Just seems like a lot of potential is all.
:edit: if you did do it, I would do it in a new story. that's just me though.
6525201 I did have a plan to write a story with these two, I love doing stories with them, but I'm not sure if I have enough ideas to keep it going. Thank you for the comments, they're very nice.
6525189 Hey, an idea is an idea, don't put it down.
No mistakes one reason I like it.
And the Sperm at the end was creative.
6525966 if you went with his idea it would actually be a pretty good set up for a sequel. you could expand what you already have and it could turn out to be a really good fic
It looks fine to me, maybe just maybe a sequel??
Very steamy ;)
So, with a huge majority of votes, 21 of 27 votes, being for a sequel/continuation, it looks like I'll be writing more of Aura, and her bat friend. Input is always welcome, keep an eye out for the next part!
6547437 Ah, splendid! I myself like OCs, and I'm rather curious to see how this accidental conception between strangers turns out for the both of them.
6524929 Also, removing the link is all well and good, but I can't find the art. Or the artist. Some hint (maybe through PM?) would bee much appreciated.
I'm also curious as to their "canon" story as a couple. Maybe something for a blog post?
A great first story to start your author career with, very well done, even cute in my opinion.
Overall, I liked this. It was a really good first try at clop, and didn't suck completely in the grammar department. Love the general idea, dislike how short it is, and the overall execution leaves one wanting.
To me, the story was a bit too 'rushed'. The paragraphs needed to be more fleshed out, as do the descriptions of...everything. The more detailed a scene is, the better, and more likely the reader is able to visualize the scene themselves.
Overall, great effort, and I'd love for you to keep up the good work. Have a nice solid 8/10 because it was a nice solid story ...and because feral impregnation may be my fetish...
I love that you made them actually act like horses. The world needs more of this!
The primal animalism in this is really nice! I usually prefer more romantic stories, but this is straight to business. Descriptively, I could have used a bit more. Your descriptions are very blunt and to the point, and everything feels like it happens so fast, even the things that didn't need to happen fast. His nuzzle and nibble at the end, I felt could have been drawn out more. You could have really captured the helplessness of the mare, despite her full yielding to her primal instincts to be rutted. The leadup was nice, the resistance and eventual acceptance to her nature could have been elaborated upon in greater depth to let the reader connect to her more deeply and better understand the conflict between her mind and her sex.
All in all, a good read, and I look forward to more if you write more.
The description of "millions of sperm" feels particularly blunt, a bit forced. You could have used more metaphor to describe her impregnation to make it more interesting. A scientific description is much less fun in my opinion.
I've read enough romance novels to know where this is going...
Looking forward to reading that sequel.
Sequel
So does this mean that her child is going to be like half bat pony or something?
I like to see a sequel to this story so you have my vote.
sequel
6525176 full pic link?
I'd like to see a romance story of these two.
You know what... I love to see untamed ponies in Equestria. It would be very interesting and see how that can go.
Yea, lots of ideas either making a story where she searches for the crazy bat or tries to raise the foal.
Lovely Story
8598990
I agree Totally
7685930
Site rules prohibit direct linking, but I can point you in the general direction:
Image #992673 on Derpibooru.
Are you sure?