Princess Twilight's Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force

by Anatinus

Chapter 2 - Talking about it

Princess Twilight Sparkle had been hard at work on her Guard project (pretty much nopony wanted to call it "Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force" - except for Pinkie Pie, because she found it an extremely amusing tongue twister) for a few days. She had sent her project to Celestia and Luna and received their approval, consulted with technical experts from Canterlot, worked on the guard's emblem (to no avail). She even rejected Spike's application for the Force no less than three times.

"But Twilight! Rarity goes nuts for stallions in uniform!" "Spike... Point first, it could be seen as nepotism. Second, it'd be a problem for you to be both a trooper AND my assistant. Third, you're too young."

In the end, she received from Celestia a (quite incomplete) list of non-pony citizens of Equestria, along with what at first she thought was a bit of senility from the aeon old Ruling Princess: a suggestion that she consult the very symbol of multi-ethnicity in Equestria.

Namely, Discord.

So, here she was, sitting in her study, facing what looked like the result of somepony mashing together many different animal themed puzzles and then trying to hide the result under a few layers of paint.

"Gee, it's not as if you're Adonis yourself, buddy."

Twilight looked in utter confusion at the slightly miffed Spirit of Chaos staring at a random angle between the ceiling and the walls: "Um, what?"

"Nevermind, nevermind. So, Celestia told me about your Omnicluttered Multitennis Alabama Defense Force..."

"Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing!"

"That's what I said. And, as fate wills, and even if it doesn't, because who cares, I do have a few suggestions. First, add a word to the name. Something like, say, "Normal". You know, to emphasize the "average joe" nature of the Force. It'd sound well."

Twilight nodded, taking a note with a magically floated quill. "Well, that's sensible. Still, most people tell me to remove terms from the name..."

Then, something clicked in her mind. She stared at Discord's broad grin in irritation.

"Seriously, Discord? Seriously? N.O.M.A.D. Force?"

The serpentine creature winked at her: "But of course! Why, I could even help by enchanting them to blink in and out all over Equestria... possibly controllably, possibly not. Who knows. But it'd be interesting."

Twilight crumpled her note, with a deep sigh. "So much for "sensible". So, what are the other suggestions?"

"Well, as a second suggestion I'd say check with your friends and acquaintances for possible suggestions. I mean, Pinkie and Dash both have griffon pals, Matilda has her bug, Cranky has Steven... the list is potentially endless."

"Where's the trick?"

"The trick is... that there is no trick. I'm Chaos, remember? I don't follow rules, not even my own."

Twilight nodded again. Discord or not, the new suggestion was very, very reasonable. "And the third?"

Discord summoned a chair - well, potentially a chair, since it looked like Rarity's chaise longue had had a forbidden affair with a bubble blower and a stack of old records - and looked at her seriously. Oh boy, this was going to be a doozy.

"Do NOT - and I mean ever - consider me as a possible trooper."

"I wasn't. I mean, you're not the most reliable ally around, after all."

"Thank you. But compliments aside, the reason is that I happen not to be an Equestrian Citizen."

Twilight blinked. That sounded like the rational thing to do, so she did it again, for good measure. "What."

"I happen to be a Badlander. You know, same as Tirek and Scorpan. Used to work for their father, Vorak the Mighty. Swell person, let me tell you. As good as a Centaur will ever be."

Discord pulled out from somewhere a wallet, then opened it to pull out a photo. He handed it delicately, almost affectionately, to Twilight, who looked it over.

In the photo, a tall, regal looking Centaur was holding gently a tiny Gargoyle cub, looking lovingly at a female, tired-looking Gargoyle that was lying in bed, looking at him with eyes that reciprocated all that love. In the background, Discord was blowing raspberries on the belly of a baby Centaur, that was laughing and squirming to escape.

"Uh..."

"Yes, that was me. And the Royal Family. You see, I was part of the Badlander court, and also Tirek and Scorpan's godfather."

To say that Twilight was flabbergasted would be the understatement of the year; she kept shifting her gaze from the photo to Discord's somber expression.

"Well, the cat is finally out of the bag." With those words, Opalescence rolled out of a bag Discord had - somehow - at his never-noticed-before belt and walked out with as much dignity as a miffed feline can muster. "You always wondered why I chose Tirek over Fluttershy, right? Well, it isn't only because of my duty - strange as it sounds - to the Badlander royal crown... it was because while she's friend, he's family. And let's be honest, I was hoping for him to still like his Uncle Discord. And he... and he..."

A single tear rolled from Discord's mismatched eyes. Upwards.

"How could he do that to me, Twilight? Didn't I try to be the best pal a baby centaur could have? What did I do? Where did we go so wrong? Why did you do this to me, Titters? WHY?"

With that, Discord finally broke down, and Spike walked in to the weird scene of an alicorn princess awkwardly trying to cheer up a wailing draconequus.

Later, after sending Discord back home with Fluttershy and a bag of his favorite cookies (more chocolate, more jalapeno peppers, more concrete and JUST a sprinkling of arsenic for accent) and taking care of the newly created Discord River, Twilight began consulting with her friends. Rainbow Dash, while not knowing any equestrian griffons, offered to contact the Wonderbolts for eventual suggestions. Pinkie Pie did, in fact, remember her bakery pal Gustave Le Grand, and Applejack could easily relay a message to the Thunderhooves tribe. Rarity promised to let the voice spread through the fashion grapevine, and Spike wrote a letter to Mina. All in all, a decent start. It was time to start sending the dispatches to all the major Equestrian settlements and protectorates.

The following day, Twilight received a visit: a tall, almost regal looking griffon, with an elegant, thin mustache and a proud plumage.

"Salut, La Princesse! Well met! As you can see, Gustave Le Grand has arrived, and has bientot advice pour vous! Mais, if je ne suis pas imposing, that would have to be, as you would say, in private."

He turned to Spike, with a kind smile. "But let's not say that Gustave is not, as you would say, unreasonable. Here's something for you, jeune dragon, to snack on while I and La Princesse shoot, as they say, ze wind."

With that, he handed Spike a paper bag. Spike opened it with an offended expression that lasted all of six seconds, only to be replaced by a famished, ravenous expression as the content sparkled like the entire crown jewels of Equestria.

"Ah, my sapphire-ruby-diamond beignets have, as they say, hit ze spot, non? Bien sur, jeune dragon... now please, leave nous alone. What I have to reveal to La Princesse is of utmost importance."

Spike left, trying to show offended importance while hiding his desire to tuck in like a deranged parasprite. He failed on all accounts.

After the door was closed, Gustave stared at Twilight, his eagle eyes literally boring through her.

"Before I start, princess, I want your word that everything I say will stay within these walls. No voices, no rumors, nothing."

"You have my word, Gus... wait a moment! What happenned to "La Princesse"?"

Gustave sighed, and his awesome posture seemed to collapse as he relaxed. He looked at Twilight with an amused grin.

"Weird what a few lessons of Prench can do, right? They make you sound exotic, important, interesting. And they make the Canterlot twits buy pastries from Gustave Le Grand... while they would never, ever buy any from plain, old Gus Griffon of Bridleway."

With that, he pulled off what turned out to be a fake mustache, and unruffled his feathers, literally deflating into a smaller griffon.

"Well, now so you know. Just as I know that I can trust you. I do have a debt I'll never be able to repay to your friends, you know, so I'm here to give you some friendly advice."

Twilight looked at him in puzzlement. "You mean the MMMM?"

Gustave smirked. It was surprising how expressive his beak could be. "Ah, peck that sucrose nightmare! I'm talking about my niece. Little ball of feathers, never was able to leave Griffonstone for good. Acts all tough, but she's got a big, big heart. Never been able to fool uncle Gus, she was."

"You mean Gilda?"

"No, I mean the King's Statue. Of course I mean Gilda! Ahem. Sorry. You may have noticed that us griffons have a bit of a temper. Comes from being predators, you see. And that leads us to what I wanted to tell you: when talking to a griffon, watch your words. Griffons have three main components to their upbringing: dignity, pride and, I'm sorry to say, greed. Touch them the wrong way and we blow up like an unicorn smoking in a powderkeg. Old griffon saying, sorry."

Twilight remembered Gilda's reaction to Rainbow Dash's pranks. That definitely made sense. Then she remembered something else Pinkie reported to her...

"Pardon me, Gus... when she last was in Ponyville, Gilda acted, well, like a jerk: frightening some ponies, bullying others, stealing food... That doesn't sound like the way a proud, dignified griffon would act."

Gus winced. "...ouch. That's one trait that Equestrian griffons have been mostly able to get rid of, and Griffonstone griffons haven't yet. Basically, it's atavism."

Twilight blinked in confusion. She didn't expect that. "Atavism?"

"Big word from a baker, isn't it? I happen to be a cultured griffon, princess. Don't let the appearances fool you. Basically, it comes from our eagle" - he spread his wings briefly - "and lion" - his tail swished for a moment - " parts. Basically, they tell us that a griffon must stake a territory, chase off any competitors and gather provisions and needed goods. And that includes other griffons. Why, I remember when I was an apprentice cook I kept chasing off the other apprentices screeching and roaring... Luckily, my master was very, very patient."

"He must have been an exceptional pony!"

"She. And she was. Mon dieu, was she ever... she was gentle, friendly, kind, polite, forthcoming and always, always helpful. She was graceful, beautiful and sublime. She was also married."

Gustave let out a big, deep sigh.

"An old griffon can dream, now can't he?"

Twilight smiled at him. "I can see where you learned to talk to young ones, like you did with Spike."

Gustave smiled back, shaking his head: "No, no... you got it wrong, princess. You see, it's just that, well... aside from being an uncle, I know the only real truth of pastry baking: the adult might pay, but who settles the sale is the child." Gustave seemed to be lost in thought for a moment... " ...and the Princess. Seriously, where does the Lady Celestia put all that stuff? If I ate that much cake I wouldn't be able to walk! Why, I remember a cousin from my youth... he was such a glutton! Ate so much that he couldn't touch the floor. We had to roll him around or use a specially made slingshot to send him across Griffonstone. He was always annoyed at that, even if he never did anything to change the situation. We used to call him the Angry Bird."

In her room at Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie Pie felt the sudden impulse to execute a rimshot, and didn't know why. But she did anyway, because it felt reasonable.

After helping her guest put his disguise back and escorting him to the door, Twilight called Spike back to her studio.

"So, Twi... any helpful idea from mr. LeGrand?"

"I think so, Spike. Now, I need you to take a couple of letters for me."

The little dragon pulled out paper and quill: "Ready!"

"Good! Now:

Dear Princess Celestia,

Do you have any book about the culture and behavior of non-pony races in Equestria and beyond? It would help me greatly in my project.

Love,

Your always faithful ex-student

Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Zecora,

I'd like to consult you about the behavior of potential recruits of Zebrican descent.

I really don't want to mess up. Spike, remove that.

I'd really be grateful for your help.

Your friend,

Twilight Sparkle."

"...Sparkle. Done. I'll send the first now, and ask Owlowiscious to deliver the second."

Twilight smiled, then got out from behind the desk and gave Spike a light hug. "This is it, Spike. Just days from now the first volunteers will show up. The Force is gonna be a reality. NOTHING can go wrong now!"

Back at Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie Pie executed a second rimshot.

Comments

[Ri2]

I forgot completely Discord used to work for Tirek's dad. That makes me sad...

[Briarpelt]

"Nothing can go wrong"... oh, those fateful, fateful words.

It was interesting to try and read Gustav's half-French speech, since I'm not fluent enough in the language to read that without thinking a bit, but what I do know is enough that I can understand it.

[Dragon of Shadows]

NOTHING can go wrong now!"

nothing can go wrong well how about this scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/l/t1.0-9/12654379_987335421356658_3818115149288002131_n.jpg?oh=6eb32885f074354409d06fdcd007becd&oe=5779FAEF