Princess Twilight's Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force

by Anatinus

Chapter 1 - She's working on it

Ponyville, gem of the Equestrian plains, home of the Harmony Six, and pretty much Chaos Central (particularly since the Lord of Chaos, Discord, had moved there) was known for many things, among which Harmony Castle, a huge tree-shaped crystal structure that happens to be the residence of the newest member of the Equestrian Royalty, Princess Twilight Sparkle, and her number one assistant, Spike the Dragon.

Said dragon was currently acting as tour guide to one of his newest friends, a red-scaled, pink-maned dragon named Mina.

"...and this is the Hall of Harmony, where Twilight and her friends answer the calls of the Harmony Map. It's also where we play Oubliettes and Ogres on dead days."

Mina looked in astonishment at the table, where a perfect three-dimensional map of Equestria was projected.

"Red rubies, Spike! It's awesome! I mean, it's as if I could reach over and pick up Canterlot... Also, you know, it looks..." the draconette licked her lips... "...delicious."

Spike looked at here for a moment, then snickered:

"Don't trust the appearances, Mina... The castle pretty much tastes foul. I guess it's a defense against having a dragon living inside."

Continuing the tour, the two passed close to a large, closed door bearimg the complex purple-on-white design that was Princess Twilight's cutie mark. To Mina's confusion, Spike simply moved on, barely giving the doorway a glance. She reached over, tapping her friend's shoulder, and tilted her head towards the door.

"That's Twilight's study. She's working on a project or something... I offered to help her, but when she heard that I was going to have a guest she insisted that I take a day off, and leave everything in her hooves - and Owlowiscious's talons."

"Who?"

"Owlowiscious... you know, Twilight's number two assistant and owl."

"I didn't ask anything!"

Spike looked at his friend, then at the now open door, where an exhausted-looking owl was looking at him in desperation. He had seen that look many times in the past... usually in the mirror, after one of Twilight's "groundbreaking" endeavors.

"Hey, Owlowiscious... How is Twi's latest pet project coming?"

The small owl looked at Spike, then turned around and headbutted the wall.

"THAT bad?"

"Whoo."

Spike looked at Mina apologetically: "Would you mind if I took a moment to help? Apparently, Twilight's work is going pretty much nowhere, and I don't think I could forgive myself if she drove herself crazy. Again."

Mina grinned widely, then grabbed Spike's arm and moved firmly towards the door.

"Mind? Red rubies, I want to help! Sure, this might not be my field of expertise... I'm just a comic store manager... but one head and two hands more never hurted, right?"

Spike simply nodded, and Owlowiscious flew up to perch on her shoulder, nuzzling her affectionately. The trio stepped through the door...

...and right in the middle of what looked like an explosion in a paper mill. What once had been stacks of documents was now a flurry of sheets swirling across the room, while others had been folded into origami swans and sent flying: ink spots were decorating the walls, and a handful of quills were embedded in the bookcase. And, in the middle of the maelstrom, was perfectly visible a very, very frustrated purple alicorn.

Twilight, hearing the door opening, looked up. She looked like something that had been spat out of Tartarus: frazzled hair, wild eyes and a grin that made Spike want to turn and run... the last time he had seen that smile, half of Ponyville had ended up brawling over an old rag doll.

"Oh, hello, Spike! And you must be Mina! Are you having fun? Enjoying the castle? Appreciating the architecture? Admiring the nuances? Inspecting the..."

"Twi, you're having a breakdown. Take a deep breath and tell me what's the problem."

Twilight looked at him with a face just as honest as Flim and Flam's average sales pitch: "What makes you think I'm having a breakdown, Spike? I'm perfectly calm and collected, can't you see?"

Spike, rather than answer, looked with a sardonic expression at the entire collection of desk stationery that once decorated her workplace, and that now was spelling "I hate all of this!" on the wall.

Twilight let out an embarrassed giggle: "...yeah, sorry... it's just that this project is driving me insane! You see, Princess Celestia asked me to assemble some guards... you know, like hers and Luna's. The problem is, I have absolutely no experience with all of this! I have worked on so many possibilities, but none of them seems right!"

Twilight started pacing. Nothing good ever came from her pacing...

"You see, a princess's guards must exemplify her domain... Celestia's are clad in gold, white and grey, to symbolize her link to the sun - always wondered what the deal with the grey is, though - and Luna's troopers look like nocturnal predators, showing her connection to the night... But what could I use that says "friendship"?"

Spike looked at her, then nodded.

"I'd say we take a look at all this, and see what comes out, Twi. The more, the merrier."

He and Mina sat on the floor, starting to pick up and read many of the papers, while Twilight went back to her desk. Owlowiscious, with a sigh of relief (that, unsurprisingly, sounded like "whooo"), went back to his perch.

Hours later, the four were pretty much back at square one; they had checked every idea, every concept Twilight had come up with (Spike was sure that the paper saying "get Cadance to send me the sexy sexy orange guard" in triplicate was when Twilight had snapped), with no result. Spike had been pretty much sure that Twilight was losing it when she asked MINA to send a message... with the result of turning the parchment into ashes.

Suddenly, Mina snapped her head up, away from the paper she was reading.

"I think I got it, your Twilightship! Here's what you overlooked!"

The draconette tapped with a claw the paper, then started reading.

"Bulk Biceps, pegasus. Big MacIntosh Apple, earth pony. Caramel, earth pony. Time Turner, earth pony. Thunderlane, pegasus. Pony. Pony. Pony. Pony. Pony."

Twilight was looking at Mina in utter confusion: "Well, yes... what's your point?"

"My point, your Twilightship, is that maybe you should look at any and all Equestrian citizens! For example, I happen to be a proud citizen of Fillidelphia, and I know of a griffon that is an awesome cook... also, while I was coming here I saw a zebra. Sorry to say it, your Twilightship, but if friendship transcends things like species and origin you're sending the wrong message by only choosing ponies!"

Now, Mina did have a fairly decent idea of how royalty should behave, so she was pretty much caught by surprise when Twilight bounded out from behind the desk and tackled her in a crushing hug.

"That's it! You're right! Why didn't I think of it before! Oh, thank you thank you thank you thank you..."

"Twi..."

"Yes, spike?"

"You're choking her."

Embarrassed, the alicorn princess of friendship released the half-suffocated draconette and started pacing again, this time with a triumphant grin on her snout. Her unkempt mane had snapped back in place, and her eyes were glowing. Literally.

"I'll send a message all across Equestria, asking for volunteers! This will be a first, revolutionary attempt, something that will send a message to every creature everywhere! I'll call this guard force... Twilight Sparkle's Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force!"

Mina, still dizzy, looked at her friend, with a half grin.

"Name needs work."

The following day, after giving Mina a guided tour of the entire Ponyville - which, of course, included the classic explanation of "it's not you, it's them" after, as usual, the flower trio went into a panic at the mere sight of her - and getting the customary Pinkie Pie "Welcome to Ponyville even if you're only staying a day and sorry for not having more gem based pastries but after the last time we had to rush Derpy to the hospital the authorities forbade us to make any unless it's on explicit order" party, Twilight and Spike escorted the draconette to her train, together with her friends.

As they were waving goodbye, Twilight turned to Spike: "Well, that was fun. Now, we have to send the message I told you about yesterday... although maybe we should see what non-pony races are actual citizens of Equestria. I mean, we know for sure that the Yaks aren't Equestrian, unlike donkeys and diamond dogs..."

"Actually, Twi, diamond dogs aren't equestrian either. They come from the kingdom of Diamondia, in the west. Not a really big place, and pretty much forgettable, but still not Equestrian land. The ones near ponyville are exiles, for all I know."

Twilight swiveled her head around in surprise to look at Rainbow Dash, who was hovering slightly above the others: "How do you know that, Dash?"

"Eh, been there. It was fun."

"Anyway, that's exactly the point! I could simply send a dispatch around Equestria, but what if I forgot some races? I wouldn't want to appear as insensitive, or a hypocrite, or someone who doesn't think things through, or..."

At this point, the crowd on the train platform had started backing off, since most Ponyvillians had learned all too well what happened when their beloved purple princess snapped. Her friends, being more used to her coo-coo moments, simply facehooved. Thankfully, a series of wise regulations posted by Mayor Mare had long made bringing any source of caffeine within thirty miles of Ponyville a criminal offense for that very reason (well, mostly... the other, and more important, reason was Pinkie Pie), but still, even without chemical support, her hyperactive mind was reaching boiling point. Something had to be done. And someone did.

Spike turned to Twilight and asked: "Say, Twi... I've seen Celestia's and Luna's guards... but what do the other guards look like? I mean, there is at least another prince and princess in Equestria that I know of..."

Twilight's thought train skidded to a halt, as her memories were jogged towards a few events in her past...

Princess celestia had been attending day court with her newly acquired Faithful Student, when suddenly the doors had opened. Kibitz, the old, faithful butler and assistant of the princess had stepped in, looking serious and dignified. His eyes, though, were sending a very different message to young Twilight: "Run if you value your sanity, little one. It's too late for me."

After clearing his throat (an action that sounded curiously like *coughsaveyourselvescough*) The old, mustached pony stood to attention and made a proclamation.

"Prince Blueblood, wise *coughBULLcough* member of the Royal Family *coughCelestiahelpuscough* demands an audience with our most beloved ruler, Princess Celestia."

No soon had he made this announcement, the blond Prince had stepped in, literally shoving Kibitz aside: "Why, thank you, old man. Here, have a bit. Buy some lozenges for that cough."

Celestia looked at her self-absorbed nephew as he marched in.

"Hello, Blueblood. What can I do for you today?"

The poncy prince fluffed up, looking as proud as a mother hen: "Oh, Auntie! Just the pony I wanted to see! I finally decided on the look my personal guard must have, had the armor enchanted and everything, and I must say that they look PERFECT! Let me show you!"

Right after Blueblood's word, a platoon of armored guards marched in, as everypony in the room fell into complete, horrified, deafening silence. Never breaking formation, they stood in front of Celestia, standing still in a parade perfect pose.

It was only after a few minutes that the prince's pride gave way to curiosity: "Well, Auntie? What do you think?"

"Blueblood, they... they all look exactly like you!"

"As I said, perfect."

Many years later, in the crystal empire...

"So, honeybunch, what do you think of my new Love Guard uniform concept?"

"Cadance, sweetie... maybe we should stick to the classic Crystal Guard uniform. I mean, it's practical, and our subjects are used to it, maybe we could add a crystal heart motif to the front plate and..."

"Shiny, are you telling me that you don't like my concept?"

"No, it's pretty, it's just that... oh, buck this. Cadance, it's a set of panties and fishnet stockings! Isn't it a bit "in the face" as a love message?"

"Well, maybe you'll change idea after I wear them for you tonight... there will be candlelight, sparkling wine and OH CELESTIA HI THERE TWILIGHT DIDN'T HEAR YOU KNOCKING HOW ARE YOU Shining get rid of that ponnequin CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?"

Twilight toppled over.

Comments

[Ri2]

I rather like Mina. She seems like a suitable girlfriend for Spike once he realizes he and Mina aren't ever happening EVER.
Also, poor Blueblood's guards. What did they have to do to get transferred to his service?
And Twilight is bad at names.

[Draco Loco]

6494780

once he realizes he and Mina aren't ever happening EVER.

Don't you mean Rarity?

[Georg]

Dear Princess Celestia.
Today I saw something in the Crystal Empire that cannot be unseen. Can you send my any notes you have on a memory erasing spell?
Your former student
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle
I'll send you all the notes I have by pegasus immediately. And by the way, Cadence sent samples of the most adorable uniforms for the Royal Guard. Since I'm sending Flash with the notes, I'll dress him up in the uniform too, so you can see what it looks like.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
P.S. You know how I always have considered you to be like one of the family, right? Well, Grandma Celestia wants some grandfoals, so get busy.