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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I think I prefer the clop light version of this chapter just because the sexy times don't feel necessary. Talking about AJs and Rarity's relationship and even which of our trio they are backing is good, but the clop just felt a little bit tacked on.
I kinda lost track of the story and skimmed through this chapter.
A little part of me is disappointed that if it does end up with Twilight suddenly being with a pony other than the three "main courses", if you will, that it could not be Celestia.
Huh. That was interesting way to clear out a room, I guess.
Anyways, I haven't really been reading critically, but no grammatical or spelling errors stood out to me.
Not gonna comment on the clop since I'm not the best judge of that.
Gotta say though, I've got a bit of a problem with the last two 'actual' chapters.
Trixie's back story and the way it ties in with her current relationship with Twilight. Now, admittedly, this is in part due to personally preference (I have a strong dislike of 'character redemption' plots like the one you pulled in addition to a general dislike of Twixie (mostly the character redemption), but I digress), but there also is a very serious problem in the context of the story. Namely, you're telegraphing. Hard. Or you're setting up for a major heartbreak, but that seems like the much less likely option.
I mean, shit, this is getting into flighty paperback supermarket romance novel territory. Twilight gave Trixie back her only connections with her dearly departed family so she must return the favor to Twilight with ~*tru and everlastin luv*~.
Even worse though is how it affects the rest of the story. In having Twilight return all that shit from Trixie's childhood that she thought she lost forever, in ADDITION to rebuilding what basically amounts to her house, you've completely REvalidated every single aspect of Trixie's infatuation with Twilight while simultaneously dropping down Cheerilee's and Spitfire's crush on her to simple puppy love. I mean, seriously, 'herp derp she's purty and nice' doesn't remotely compare to 'she offered a hoof of friendship even after I humiliated her friends and acted like a total jackass and also destroyed her town AND she also gave me back my sole few connections with my dead family that i thought i lost forever and also rebuilt my home'.
Anyways, I should probably wrap it up here. If I keep rambling on god knows when I'll stop. I mean, shit, it's getting later by the minute and I should've been asleep four hours ago!...
Also don't let my writings discourage you, I'm enjoying the story. Really! You've got a knack for writing entertaining dialogue, and I love how there's a never ending list of adjectives that you use to describe Twilight. Perfectly fits with the head-over-hooves infatuation the three of them have with her and also is awfully appropriate that she's the one being described like that, all things considered. :v
Ah, one of Twilight's classic freakouts. You'd think she'd have learned by now.
I really hate to admit it, but I kinda concur with 824173. ^^; Cheerilee and Spitfire are at a considerable disadvantage with Trixie having a much stronger emotional connection to Twi.
Still, a great and more than slightly hilarious chapter, Wrabbit.
I also agree with the disadvantage the relationships have taken. Especially with Spitfire not really having a chance to show her interest in a chapter. Now I have never been a fan of Trixie so she wasn't my most wanted character. Of course it is still early in the story I think so who knows.
Now on to Rarity she is my least favorite among the mane 6 by far. I wish that it had been a Pinkie promise just so she could get the beat down she deserves. She never gets the punishment she deserves and its always because she sucks up to whoever finds out that gets tiring. If not for how well this story has been written I would have stopped reading. I just don't like outside interference because to me regardless of who she ends up with I feel like its fake just like most arranged marriages. Now I don't plan to stop reading but lets have no more Trixie for awhile she has to high of a lead.
Now on a side note are there any stories where interference from friends actually damage their friendship?
Still hoping for a Twixie! But, I like how it building up to whatever it will be!
I was hoping for a Cheerlight or maybe even a Spitlight (I don't really like Trixie's boastfulness although Twixie stories where she's no longer a douche are good). Well anyway, that was before and now, I don't even care who it is anymore as long as I have more chapters to read. So...could you keep them coming? Please?
Another nice chapter. Got the notification and I my day got a bit better. I am still rooting for spitfire since that ship is something rarely seen. I also can't get over my dislike of trixie even though you did a fine job of lessening it. So I'm hoping the "canon" pair doesn't end up being that.
With cheerilie I'm okay with as it is a pretty rare pair (hah rhymes) so it is nice seeing something different. But I almost feel that their personalities would be a bit too close and I'm not really sure what they could bring to each other outside academia. But you are definitely a talented enough writer to convince me otherwise!
And spitfire I think this could be the most interesting as spitfire is already shown to be smart, she can teach twilight quite a but about pegasi physical aspects since they are much different than say two unicorns or a unicorn and earth pony. That and the atheete and the scholar is an interesting pairing in my eyes. Especially when they are both famous for their accomplishments.
Those are just my opinions though! I eagerly anticipate your next chapter. Hopefully spitfire males a dynamic return. She trailing right now but I doubt this would be the first time she had to come from behind to win.
Definitely backing the Twirilee in this story, if only for the fact there are none but two Twirilee stories in this fandom. Not that the other results will disappoint me, but like Applejack, I'm picking the right side! =P
This is certainly a great story, very well written and interesting as heck! I can't wait for more chapters!
Huh. My first dissenting posts for this story. I can see why some authors react badly to criticism, since my knee-jerk reaction was "ZOMG, THEY HAYTZ MEH!!!11ONEONE". Fortunately, I withheld my initial reaction, possibly saving us all some drama and disappointment. I'll try to address the issues you each have in individual responses below.
812050
Thank you kindly.
820209
An interesting way to win her over. I can almost hear "A whole new world" playing in the background.
823873
As I mentioned in the author's notes at the beginning, the clop was the result of two main reasons. The first was to get my feet wet with pony sex (make of that what you will). The second was that not only did I feel I might need a bit of practice, but I also wanted to share the result so I could get some opinions on it, and perhaps wet (hah!) your interest in it. I'll just mark you down as a "No", then.
823968
Whoa, where did Celestia come into this? Don't get me wrong, I love Twilestia as much as the next pony, but that's a story for another fic. Let me say this, Twilight WILL end up with one (or more) of her three suitors. That's pretty much set in stone. What in this chapter made you think that wouldn't happen? Oh, and welcome back.
824173
You're telling me! Not sure just went wrong since I did exactly the same thing that I've always been doing with this story, namely letting it flow naturally.
As for your concern, I can sympathize. I was perhaps a bit ham-handed with Trixie, but that's something that's always been something that bothered me in the show. Trixie leaves with literally nothing, and not even the element of Kindness tries to help her (granted she was "Dame Not-Appearing-in-this-Episode", but still). So, I may have tried to overcompensate for a perceived slight to her. However, that's notto say that later chapters won't show just what Twilight means to Spitfire or Cheerilee. Spitfire's big day is coming up next, and I plan to have Cheerilee's flashbacks sprinkled throughout the story, sort of mimicking the way she fell for Twilight in the first place. A sort of snowball effect if you will. Also remember that Cheerilee feels a lot of admiration not because she thinks Twilight is pretty (though soe does think that), but also because by this time (end of season two), she has saved Equestria as well as her hometown directly several times. I hope these last few chapters won't discourage you from coming back, but in case you don't return, thanks for reading and the honest opinions.
824239
You are correct sir (or madam)!
824317
Glad you liked it. I was afraid I was going a bit overboard with her leaps in logic, but after thinking about episode three of season two, I'm now worried I might have had her underreact!
824589
Oof. I really danced on a razor's edge with this one, haven't I? As for your question, I'm not sure. I think most writers like to show perseverance in the face of adversity, regardless of its source. That's probably why friend's interference rarely amounts to ruination of a relationship. Besides, ruining a friend's potential relationship is pretty much grounds for losing said friend, isn't it?
824652 824743
I'll continue building away, then.
825005
Cheerilee would possibly bring a sense of completion to Twilight, seeing as they would be able to share many interests together. There is a certain appeal of like to like, after all.
Spitfire was both the easiest and hardest pony to write for. She was easiest because she has no character in the show beyond being a Wonderbolt, but by the same token, I have to make everything from scratch, while keeping it believable. And I agree that the athlete/scholar pairing does have some appeal as well.
Well, I hope this addresses those concerns. Please don't hesitate to leave a comment if anything in my story bothers you. I want to make this story memorable for everyone.
Haha fair enough about about cheerilee and twilight. And no. I don't think you have to worry about people hating you far too much entertainment to be had with your writing.
I did reread my comment after reading your reply and noticed this little gem: she can teach twilight quite a but about pegasi physical aspects. oh the things written unintentionally.
I'm rather curious though. Did you expect your story to become as popular as it is as fast as it did? Views of authors on the popularity of their stories always intests me.
Story related note. I look forward to fluttershy getting involved in that outside competition. "rarity and applejack! You will stop interfering!"
Rarity and applejack "yes ma'am"
Apologies for typos. My iPod isn't used to these names yet, heh.
Yellow submarine!
I'll be honest dood, When it came to the clopping part of the chapter, 75% me thought Rarijack, but there was 25% of me thinking Spitfire and Trixie raping Twilight in one of Cheerilee's thoughts while she was ranting about Trixie and Spitfire, probably around the "No. No, I have to trust that they wouldn't dare do such things for risking alienating her. And even if they do attempt that, I have to trust Twilight to resist their wiles. " part of her thoughts.
I am glad to be 75% right, dood, carry on.
827069
That... is hilarious. In the context that it's just her imagination, but still. Hilarious.
825494
umm
“D... I... Is Twilight and the Princess...” Now that she had come this far, she found that she just couldn't say it outright.
Having been asked this question many times in the past, Spike knew what she was getting at. “They're more like dam and daughter than anything else. Or maybe aunt and niece.” He tilted his head and thought for a moment. “Their relationship is kinda weird, but they love each other. They're not in love with each other, if that makes any sense.”
This, I thinkses.
825462
Thanks! Not sure how many chapters there will be to this story, but I haven't even gotten to the faux dates yet. That's where the fur will really start to fly!
825616
Unintentional Innuendo is best innuendo. I honestly hadn't expected such a positive reaction to my story, but I must say that it's like a drug. I can't get enough of it now, and find myself refreshing my notifications page just to see if I or my computer missed any when I wasn't looking. Maybe I should get into a twelve-step program? Aaahhh... Fluttershy. She's going to be interesting to write.
825868
T'was the first thing that popped into my mind as a possible safeword. That or Bananas Foster, and it's all to easy to see Rarity into foodplay.
827069
If I understand you right, you're glad I had Rarijack for the clop, and not take a turn for the dark side by turning his into a rapefic. Is that right? Rest assured that all sex in this fic will be 100% consensual.
828369
Ah. Sorry if I gave the impression that Celestia might enter the competition. She will not. Though she will be making an appearance later on, and perhaps add a whole wrinkle to everypony's plans. On second thought, she will add that new wrinkle.
828467 The way I had it viewed, was all Cheerilee thinking the Worst Case Scenario, whether or not that happens in Pony Reality is pretty much up to you, so to clarify, IF the supposed rape happened, it would possibly happen in Cheerilee's thought bubble, as with the way we viewed Trixie and Spitfire in your story, it's rather obvious they wouldn't hurt Twilight intentionally, but that's just a confused earth pony going "Celestia knows what that Magician Faker and that Wonderbolt Slut are doing to MY Twilight (cue imaginary rape) Buck these tests, I gotta save Twilight and kick some teeth in!"
Wow, I am messed up, dood.
the war is just begging who will be spitfire insider???
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyj9ktmAzN1qmb3pi.gif
Tis a beautiful work of fiction. But WHO DO I CHOOSE!
bestpony.org/trixie/var/albums/The-Great-and-Powerful-Trixie/19111%20-%20artist-lulubell%20filly%20foal%20The_Great_And_Powerful_Trixie%20Trixie.png?m=1308561695
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120108045359/mlp/images/c/c6/Happy_Cheerilee.png
or
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4bovgUMWy1r4kgfao1_500.jpg
828615
Ah, not I see what you meant, dood. No biggie. I often think the worst as a knee-jerk reaction too sometimes.
828846
I'm... not sure what you just said. Are you asking who is rooting for Spitfire? If so, Fluttershy intends to make her preference known in secret soon.
842080
Thank you. It's my goal to have everyone second guess their initial choices at least once.
846485
Spitfire DEFINITELY has a larger following than I had previously thought. You're in luck, because she's getting a big chapter all to herself (some even spent with Twilight) next.
846963
what i meant was who will be giving tips to spitfire from the inside like AJ was with Cheerilee.....
847196
Ah. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at that.
846963
data.whicdn.com/images/31691179/bampw-black-and-white-bob-esponja-fuck-fuck-it-Favim.com-454176_large.jpg
I CHOOSE TRIXIE!!!
Just ran into this, gotta say, this is a fun story you have going on. But... you are going into rather dangerous territory, catering to three different shippings with the same pony, this can only end in so many different ways. XD
I figure you already got the ending planned or thought so, but personally, Cheerilight. I'm not sure why, but I love that one out of these three so much it's not even funny (I blame Romance Reports). Speaking of, we need a Cheerilee emoticon...
Anyway, looking forward to more.
Wow, I am so glad I stumbled upon this story. So far, you've got me hooked on a story with three potential partners for Twilight, and each has me wondering... at first I was rooting for Spitfire, then Trixie, but now it's Cheerilee all the way. She needs some lovin', for goodness' sake.
Really, though, this is a really good story with in-character personalities and a pretty realistic explanation for all of the ponies' adoration of Twilight. I'm also enjoying the little side thing that might be going on with Spike- he blushed just as they blushed when he was nuzzled by Twilight, and he might become jealous if some other pony starts taking up all of Twilight's time.
Maybe he's cool though
I'm glad you made a light version. Sometimes, it's better to leave that sort of stuff to the imagination. I do understand that you might've been doing it for some practice, too, and I can see the actual clop as being in character with the story- it doesn't seem too out of place for this. However, I don't find myself really partial to it, you know?
I eagerly await more
847357 New favorite picture.
Cheerilee's back story although good has nothing on Spitfires or Trixie's I cant see er winning this. the only think she has go'en for her is Applejack
Score Card.
Trixie. 3
Spitfire. 2.
Cheerilee. 1
847357
Yeah Twixy for da win
Called the sex scene (contentwise). Not bad.
Guess Rarity's orgasm pierced the heavens.
ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWER!!!
I regret nothing.
4117198 FUCK YEA!!! Someone who understands me!!!!
i.imgur.com/GXRXN0T.gif
Twixie, Spitlight, or Cheerilight.... Hmmm......
cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/31675024.jpg
When writing this, did you start just after 'Boast Busters'? I only ask because there's no mention of the Alicorn Amulet at all. Not that that is bad, mind. Twixie is such a refreshing pairing, and its nice to see her being made out to be less villainous. And in all honesty, I always thought the Alicorn Amulet episode was a bit over-the-top.
Huuummmmm.....
its a good edition and shows your skill in clop. color me impressed. it fleshes out the relationship between AJ and Rarity and lets the reader know that they there feelings are real for each other.
I love it! by all means please continue
ok, I have to say it before I forget it. I love how each one of the love interests has a support character, Trixie has Rarity, Cheerlee has AJ, and spitfire has RD. and that each one of these support characters will become the antagonist of the rivals. It's a simple, yet beautiful way to have your support and antag characters all lined up nicely and I might steal it for my own works.
Also enjoyed the clop scene, its short but very sweet.
11841442
Why, thank you. I thought it might be a bit heavy-handed splitting them along racial lines like I did, but honestly, I couldn't see it going any other way, given the personalities of everyone involved. Cheerilee and AJ are both very down to earth, Rarity and Trixie are showmares to the Nth degree, and RD and Spitfire have a lot in common.
And the clop does get more intense later on.