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A few hours after saving the Friendship Games, Sunset Shimmer and her good friend Twilight Sparkle are relaxing on the CHS lawn. The two are so close that Sunset finally feels like she can ask a question that's been on her mind for a while.
"Can I go home?"
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This is some plutonium grade nightmare fuel. Really hoping it ends with Celestia bursting in, literally on fire and raging fury. I hope you mean to continue this!
Dang...
That was actually very creepy.
Not as creepy as "Unleash the Magic" was, but I don't think anything can top how creepy that song was.
I'm not sure whether I want to favorite it or not.
It was a well written and interesting story, but I'm having a hard time deciding whether this would actually be in character for Twilight or not.
And I can't wait for the inevitable sequel based on that ending.
Well, you left me wanting more so that's a good sign. I realize it's a one-shot, but still.
6470704 : Originally, instead of Twilight talking to Spike, Twilight was presenting her spell to a group of government people and reporters (including the princesses). Her case was basically:
* It's arguably more humane to put someone in the EG universe than to put them in a literal dungeon
* It reduces total jail time, preventing families from being split up for so long. E.g., a thief goes into this thing and maybe spends 5 years subjective but only a month or so objective. They get out and they can still raise their foal instead of their foal growing up sans parents.
* It solves the problem of 'we know this guy only did something little now and so can only hold him for a short time, but he's incorrigible and will reoffend as soon as he gets out.' They only put him in physical prison for a few months, which fits his crime and is just towards him, but simultaneously they keep him in the oubliette for as long as needed until he repents and won't reoffend, which is just towards the others he would otherwise have victimized.
I cut it because I wanted to reference what SciTwi was doing, and she wouldn't be willing to admit to that problem in front of the press. So instead she chats with Spike.
Anyways, the system isn't working well here because Sunset has in fact repented, but hasn't accepted Twilight as her
lord and masterfriend yet (at least, she hasn't accepted her as a friend when she actually remembers what Twilight did to her), so Twilight won't let her out. Because Celestia wants her to make friends, and she can't let Celestia down by permitting SS to be unfriendly towards her! And also because Twilight has some sort of fixation on her, or at least really wants those sleepovers and research parties and late night sessions where they work together and their hooves brush and etc.Also, re: Celestia: my theory for what happened was Twilight originally conceived of this as a way to try and help Sunset; she knew Sunset would be in for a rough time in prison on account of her attempted theft of the crown. (This story takes the viewpoint that nothing in the EG universe is 'real'; Sunset stole the crown and was immediately arrested, and everything in the EG universe that she then sees is from the spell.) Unfortunately, something went wrong and the part of Twilight that is compassionate and worried about Sunset got sealed in with the Sunset, while the remainder of Twilight is not nearly so compassionate. Hopefully Celestia would take that into account.
This...is...GENIUS!
Please tell me there are plans for a sequel.
Well, this is.... horrifically dark. I wanna say out-of-character for Twilight but considering some of the shit she's done in the show itself...
Not sure what else to say, at least not sure how to say it. Kinda wanna punch Twilight in the face, though.
6470704 Actually I'd like to see Celestia kick this Twilight's ass, too. Then free Sunset from this hell.
That was dark as hell.
I don't think Celestia would be too pleased if/when she finds out.
Burr, creepy
6470843
But how could Celestia try to reform Twilight? Maybe she could wipe a few memories and put her in an Oubliette called Ponyville, it would teach her to be a better friend
6470887
Revoke her wings? I mean she can't exile her to the moon like Luna. Twilight doesn't control a thing that she can be exiled to. Maybe force her to explain it all to the girls and suffer a guilt trip when the girls are horrified.
AJ, Fluttershy, and Pinkie would likely be the most upset.
6470917
Apparently she had good intentions when she started, and things went wrong when she accidentally sealed her own conscience/compassion in there with Sunset. If she were to get that back, she'd have to look at what she's done the way canon!Twilight would. The guilt would almost be punishment enough on its own. Almost.
I'm not usually one to call for sequels, but I've already thought of like three ideas for sequels that I would write if I weren't immune to motivation. All of them are things I would read eagerly.
This story is fantastic. Dark yet not edgy, twisted yet believable. It got me thinking, Twilight was just a normal filly at some point with dangerous magic she couldn't control, what if she's been in a Oubliette ever since her admission test, and in reality her parents hare still plants.
Please tell me you're going to write a sequel!
this is one of those rare oneshots that you wish is longer or have a sequel
This is twisted, yet scarily real-feeling.
And the sequel needs to be written.
This almost feels like an episode of The Twilight Zone. ...It is the "zone" Twilight made. Well, if I didn't have a chill before, I do now.
6470730 Hopefully she would indeed. There definitely needs to be a sequel to resolve this issue. After all how can the Princess of Friendship even be called that if she can't even understand true friendship? The part of her that is compassionate, the single most important part needed in friendship for it to be possible has been cut off from her, becoming Human Twilight in this case. I hope Sunset and Human Twilight break free from the spell, perhaps a magic overload or something might work. Afterwards they need to beat the crap out of Twilight and find a way to merge the 2 back together and have Twilight basically breakdown from realizing exactly what she's done. Her spell failed because of unforeseen events happening and because of it she became as bad as Starlight Glimmer or worse. She definitely is gonna need her own friends to help her through this as I believe this would be traumatizing for her, realizing that she in trying to help a friend understand friendship ended up doing the exact opposite in one of the worse ways. Twilight from being depressed, unable to forgive herself and hateful of herself could possibly even physically torture herself as punishment for what she did to Sunset for awhile given what happened and that is even worse when one thinks about it. Definitely gonna need her friends to help her forgive herself and and get Sunset to forgive her for being such a fool and ironically bad friend and Princess of Friendship. Hopefully Celestia and the Mane 6 can fix things and help out both Sunset and Twilight.
Please make a sequel
This isn't something you can just leave as a one shot. This is just the first chapter of an epic story, like a prologue to a book that doesn't exist!
Anyway, it's awesome and I really really want to read that book.
totally out of character and terrible
Yeah, um..... That was really damn dark. Bravo!
Or, here's something:
No good friends back in Equestria
Orphan taken in by Celestia, or parents who didn't treat her well as she grew up
Those could be possible reasons why she doesn't want to go back.
Here's one more:
Maybe she's just fine with being a human, she now has the opportunity to teach Sci-Twi and the Humane 5 about magic, why would she pass that up?
Always bugs me with people wanting to see her go back, she's perfectly fine right where she is.
Oh please you MUST continue this! Please! It...it's brilliant! You can't leave it like this.
LOVE IT!
This is actually fairly compelling, terrifying, and an easily-explained 'tyrant' event that makes sense. A good intention gone horribly wrong, which has taken on a life of its own and threatens to devour any goodness to be found in a good pony, with the stakes of a world on the line.
Hope is the lie that we make true.
nth-ing the requesting for a continuation/sequel.
I was confused why there was a dark tag at first... now I know. That was horrifying!
Yep... this terrifies me. Seems like Twilight has slipped off the deep end. Not sure if it's a Nightmare Moon type slip, a more contained Lesson Zero slip or what. Spike does seem right about the 'part of her wants to break the spell' part though. Because seriously, that is one creepy spell... She wants to break Sunset to the point where she's begging and broken and says that's true friendship? That's some Sombra level [apples] right there...
I was really kind of expecting this to be just your average self-indulgent sad-wank story, just looking at the title and the tags, but I've got to say, it ended up really taking me by surprise. It actually works very well and I certainly wouldn't mind seeing a longer story following out that premise.
This has the exact same plot as the beginning portion of one of the new outer limits episodes(Episode: "The Sentence"). It had niles crane from Frasier as Twilight, only Twilight got stuck in the world and then wanted to tear it down at the end because she found herself guilty. Here she doesn't have that revelation, except for that small piece of Twilight in there.
I can almost see Twilight doing something like this. On paper, it almost seems like a good idea, a way to reform criminals in a fraction of the time, but when you look at it closer, it's really just inducing Stockholm syndrome.
6471417 I second this fully!
I like the story. IT seems a bit indirect for Twilight though, after all she exhibited the willingness to use blatant, brute force mind control to force instinctive behavioral changes on an entire group of vampire bats in cannon... But this is more interesting than Twilight sledgehammer approach to magical solutions. You should do more.
6471413 I know right? Why do characters in fantasy novels want to get back home? Arn't most people bored of life? Who wouldn't want the chance to live in a cool world? If most of us like the idea of living in a swords and sorcery land, why the hell wouldn't people in a fantasy land want to live in something like our world?
6471669 I would say that I really hope that that's sarcasm, but it probably is anyway, so I won't.
6470840
Likewise.
Holy crap, that was fairly disturbing. Assuming Sunset manages to escape, she needs to take another crack at the EoH to either power up against Twilight in an all out brawl, or turn her crazy ass to stone. Or at least haul ass back to Celestia for protection. I'm not sure what to do about the Twilight of the conjured world though. The fact that she was apparently a facet of the real Twilight's personality that unintendedly got torn away in the creation of the spell, doesn't mitigate the fact that the presumably complete Twilight created the spell in the first place. What would even happen to her should the spell be broken? Why is this a one shot?! We need a part 2!
Reminds me of the horrible re-make of 'The Prisoner'. People were subjected to behavior modifying environment without their consent.
I consider it horrible because unlike the original, the Prisoner gave in and accepted the purpose of the 'Village', where the original never gave in.
I can honestly say that this made my skin crawl from beginning to end. The bit about the other Twilight being a part of Twilight that wants to stop it is quite brilliant, I think. While this type of story isn't my cup of tea (it gets a little too under my skin), it was certainly an interesting premise that's worth exploring in more depth.
Well, register account, go to Walmart, log back in to leave self-serving review...
I like the concept. An addition would certainly entertain me if done well. You managed to measure out the timing to Sunset's conclusion well enough, and were mostly subtle in where things ended up.
The whole speech from sociopath Sparkle about Sunset forcing herself to forget and Sunset's reply of monster felt a little heavy handed but wasnt hammy enough to ruin the mood.
While Twilight is not her canon self here, I could see her (original) good intentions having run amok per usual. Still, such handling requires special care as not to damage the original contents in a way they're unrecognizable.
The only truly upsetting thing for the story's believability is that Spike hasn't done anything to rectify the situation if he suspects a) it's morally abhorrent b) Twilight wouldn't approve in her right mind.
So dark, but incredibly powerful. I would love for this to become a series. You have incredible talent and I'd love to see the other Twilight help Sunset beat evil Twilight. If Spike is right, then the real Twilight is just as trapped as Sunset is and needs to get out. Please, Please, Please expand this story.
I seriously need more. I mean, if you're willing to keep writing. <.<
Im kinda sad this is a oneshot. Eh, what can ya do.
AWWWWWW...
Why is this a one shot and not a series?
Honestly, someone who actually calls it 'Special Adult Cider' Really isn't grown up enough to be dispensing justice. You'd think, this being experimental and all, Celestia would be checking in on this
That went dark all of a sudden.
6471487 (n + 1)th-Ing it
there is no way luna knows twilight is doing this, this is far more then the definition of evil or cruelty, the devil should be so horrible!
Ooh, creepy.