- Member Since 28th Feb, 2014
- offline last seen March 22nd
EquestrianNecromancer
Official pimp for the undead, I put the fun in funeral, I put the laughter in manslaughter and I put the hot in psychotic. But I don't put the sane in insane.
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... I blew the powder keg's lid off, didn't I?
6364652 Pardon? oh, no it's just I wanted to make a Terraria Displaced story for a while. I didn't even know about yours or the, other one, ugh, until I went looking to see if there were other ones. I also really like Dox. Do you have any suggestions so far?
6364666
Not yet, still have to read it.
6364673 Ok. I am glad that one of my favourite Displaced authors has commented though.
Okay, so I see that you're new to writing, and you're doing one of these... "Displaced" stories. Let's give a little breakdown here.
Well, no. It's kind of important. You go on to spend more time describing your protagonist's costume than you do establishing who he is or why I should care about him.
And how does he know that these people are going to magical cartoon pony land? Did the merchant give an interview? Did someone come back from magical cartoon pony land? Unless there's information that is leading back to the character, he has no reason to know that they're actually going someplace and that these disappearances aren't just some crazy person who's kidnapping and murdering people.
You also refer to a number of things - The Guide, Escafil Cube, and that the merchant looks like the merchant from Resident Evil 4. That's not generally good form. I don't know what the Guide or the Escafil Cube are. And if I hadn't played the game or watched videos of it, I wouldn't know what the merchant from Resident Evil 4 looks like, either.
Then your character says a dank meme and he's off to ponyland. I find that this is an exceedingly common pitfall with these stories; they skip over all the important business of establishing the main character so they can get to an escapist fantasy.
Once you get to the escapist fantasy part things get confusing. Your narrative voice gets very jumbled, often switching from present tense to past tense for no apparent reason, and his thought process is frankly baffling. He seems surprised to find he has Terrarria player powers despite apparently knowing how this all works, and he somehow assumes there are going to be Terrarria dangers in Equestria somehow. And upon seeing unicorn guards his first thought is whether or not he could take them in a fight? Huh?
Overall I just don't see much potential in this story. What's the purpose of it? Do you have a character arc in mind for your protagonist? Is there going to be an overarching conflict? Or is it just going to be an escapist story where you have a self-insert prancing around with video game super-powers?
Holy this thing is a little too fast paced for my tastes.
Good idea for a story though, best of luck to ya.
Good, another terraria displaced, seems like I created a bandwagon
more plz
6365091 writing third chapter now.
6365033 Hey hey hey.... do not claim that right as there were enough terraria stories before yours. That band wagon exsisted way before your story.
But i do have to say that this story is off to an interesting start. I wonder if you will crossover with other terraria displaced like The Terrarian Tank or the story the person i just mentioned....
Any way i will keep you on the tracking list and if this story interests me enough a like and fav.
Screw that have a like already.....
6364652 wait a moment..... the Author of the Equestrian Tank. Well speak of the devil and he shall appear! Appreciate your story man! Also would love a crossover with this story if it gets far enough.
6364678
Okay, finished reading what you have.
It needs work. It's a bit too fast paced (Hell, I can't really see the pacing myself) and it needs to be dialed back a bit. Some things could be taken more slowly, and it would make it easier to understand, and a better read. Other than that, I don't really have much to comment about. Though, I do have a suggestion. When you're writing a chapter for this, have a plan in mind about what happens. Just write notes to yourself, then follow them as you write. Like, what I (and my buddy) do is that I write what I have planned for the chapter, just little half-sentences or just blurbs about what I want to have happen in the chapter, then I start writing. When I start writing, I don't just try and get them done as fast as I can, I try to draw them out, make them all really nice, or entertaining, or just fun to read, then I move to the next bit. Trust me when I say it helps make for a longer and better chapter to read. (Also, I'm not gonna say I created this technique, my buddy, GameJunkie, actually introduced it to me. Something else is that I don't use it during crossovers. XD)
Edit: For now, I'll keep track of this. I want to see how you grow as an author, maybe help you out here and there. And Zero of Nine? 6365113 I'm glad you say you'd love to see a crossover here, but for now, I'm gonna let this guy get a bit better. Come back later to see how he's done, ya know?
6364718
I'll comment in order of what you said; first, the protagonist was in a bad place, also suicidal. He doesn't think who he is is important.Second, he doesn't know. All he knows is that there are people who went to conventions dressed up who disappeared. Nobody who didn't dress up disappeared. Anything would be better at this point in his life. Even if he died.Third, the references, The Guide, as I said in the Term Index I made in the Author's Note, he is an NPC who shows up as soon as your character spawns in a new world. The Escafil Device/Cube was my attempt to reference out to an item that another Displaced bought to go to Equestria. It is from the Animorphs series and is said to glow with a blue energy. Finally for this point, take up me not describing The Merchant up with all the other Displaced authors who did the exact same thing.When I started reading Displaced stories I had to look him up!What meme? The portal or the extreme nothingness? Or the forest that is in no way the Everfree?Next you say that my narration is jumbled, if you could point it out to me I would be grateful! This is my second story and I haven't even finished the first! After that, yes he's surprised! He didn't know he'd be turned into a Terrarian, he just thought he'd be in a costume. He found out by the hearts above his head. I don't think I said anything about the enemies from Terraria. He was confused because in Terraria, an enemy you face pretty late in the game is the unicorn. They can demolish ill prepared players but if you have the right gear you can wreck them. He was actually worried because he didn't have any armor and going by the game's logic he could get instakilled. They were the only enemy I mentioned in the fic so far.And finally, you ask if I have plans or not. I do have plans. Secondly, this is nowhere near a self-insert. If I ever did a self-insert I would put it in the description. As for it not having any point, that's different for everyone.Thank you for the criticism, I am still a novice in the art of writing and am trying to get better.Edit:Sorry, I was a dick and I didn't listen.
6364725 I am going to try and work on the pacing in future chapters.
6365204 As I said in another comment I am going to try to get better at pacing. I have a vague plan of the first couple chapters... it could be better though. I already have a crossoverplanned with another author in the distant future. It's going to be a while though. My character hasn't even been petrified yet! I do see your point of view but I'm glad that the rest of the story is alright. The only things I fully trust are that this is a Terraria crossover, because I am the author, and that my spelling and grammar are alright. I swept through the story with a finetoothed comb.
6365113
Thanks for the like and I'm glad the story interests you, and thanks for the like. A crossover would be cool but like you said, if it gets far enough. DJ also said no, so there's that. The cute fishron mount story... the only reason I don't want to is because of the cute fishron mount being a hard version endgame item. I just don't see getting it at the beginning.
6365311
I have not said no. Far from it.
I said I'm going to wait on it, that for now I'm going to watch you. XD
That means I might decide that a crossover is in order later. XD
6365330 I meant that you had said no for now. Not no as I have decreed no for myself on the cute fishron story.
6364718
Escafil Cube. Basically a device that imparts the ability to transform into other things.
My only complaint is that it feels very rushed.
6366059 That is true... I've had other people tell me that, just know that I'm actively trying to make the pacing better in chapter three and onwards. I'm a thousand words in on one dialogue.
6365033 DJ A String had a Terraria Displaced written weeks before yours. The bandwagon seems to have gone on without you.
6366172 I wasn't going to get in on the debate, and I'm still not but, I would like if in future my character would either be able to meet Jack or Freddy if at all possible.
6366172 I know, I was inspired by dj a string too
6366192 Hmm that's not outside the realm of possibility. We'll see how it goes...
6367462
Shhh, that's not inspiration. You hopped on MY train. XD
Now be a good little kohai and obey senpai's words when he says to be quiet. XD
6368593 Nice... honestly,
6367462 My character is different from both of your characters. Wanna know why? My guy has become a Terrarian different from either of yours. My character started with the default character start.
6368606
My guy's just human. XD
6368719 My guy was originally as well. I only call him a Terrarian because that is what the game calls humans. Terrarians are six feet tall so it's a pretty good height. They can jump twelve feet in the air. If he's transformed into his character then he's a Terrarian.
6368606 mine too. Just the fishtron, and copper sword,axe and pick
6368593 Sempai noticed me!
6371568 That isn't the default character equipment. I only have the sunglasses and otherwise nothing besides what I made. You have a Cute Fishron... An expert mode drop of the third hardest boss
6371568 You spelled senpai wrong.
All of this empty space disturbs me... Anyone have any feedback for once you get to this chapter?
6380336
lol
6380512 (In most Rarity-esque voice ever)That isn't what I meahehehent!
6380512 I'm also currently writing In Which I Battle a Dark, Magey... Horse
6380534
?
6380538 Ha, he doesn't get it
plz more i fuckin love this
6380552 I was joking about Rarity being dramatic. God...
6380595 It is actually the name of the chapter, do you know which dark, magey... horse he's going to battle?
Use spoilers for your guess if you make one. It's pretty damn obvious if you've read...
In Which I Gain a Heart... or 7
6380772 Chapter five is being written. I did just release the last chapter yesterday.
Somebody has played the dark souls mod lol.
6389803 What mod? I don't know any mods for dark souls. Did you like Mortimer's rant and the humor I added in?
6389838 Dark souls mod is the mod but another mod that uses it is also good to check out. Red Cloud
so what now he in stone
Hopefully since it seems like the 'prequel' chapters are done, the pacing will slow down abit. The story and premise is good, but the fast pacing seems to hinder the story some.
6395017 Yeah... Like multiple people have commented I am not the best at pacing. He is a person that doesn't need to sleep and only needs to eat once a day. The pacing is sure to be a bit fast. I will try to tone it down though.
6394481 You get to find out next chapter. I will start writing tomorrow night because that is when I'll be back on solid wifi.
This might be a bit gamey in the mechanics department and a bit fast, still going to track it at least.
6406704 It's meant to be gamey in the mechanics. The protagonist was transformed into a Terrarian, with all that entails. I'm working on the pacing. It was mostly because I wanted to get to normal Equestria.
um....wtf was that at 7500 years?