Every night the same dream keeps recurring. About a mare. Luna hasn't even properly met her before. She talks to someone about it after she didn't wake up to raise the moon
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Snakes
Joined 9th Aug, 2015 ·
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Nice story. Although you could add a bit more detail here or there and the characters seemed a bit off. But hay, first stories are supposed to not be a masterpiece. I think you should improve by reading stories and learn from them. Maybe a rom-com group could help. Good story, take my like.
~Squiggle-Squiggle~
Well, there are quite a few grammatical errors, not to mention that you really could have stretched out this, as Rarity jumps the gun a bit early.
But then you'll be on a lonely road of non-improvement. It'll be the only road you ever know.
[youtube=sKF0WJEgNCo]
A general one, though: take the plaintext into vim, run the following three commands, and re-read the story. if the resulting sentence makes sense, you meant "you're". Otherwise, you can change it back to "your".
The dialogue is awkward throughout the story and character reactions are off. Twilight seems unconcerned about their friend being badly hurt and they all leave suddenly when they start confessing their love or while at the library. Also some how Applejack makes it across town to Sweet Apple Acres, Breaks Rarity's legs and then Rainbow dash and Fluttershy make it all the way back to the library in maybe the time it takes for a maybe 3 minute conversation between Twilight and Luna. The confession dialogue is very quick, and that cheapens the story impact.