Fluttershy invites Twilight Sparkle out for a night of stargazing so that she can fix her rescued telescope, but the trip does not go according to plan.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 28th Jul, 2015
- offline last seen Dec 6th, 2015
uosis
Pfft. What do you want to know? Ask away.
uosis
Joined 28th Jul, 2015 ·
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Warm, sweet and well written too.
Nicely done, I enjoyed it.
6260026
6260083
Thank you, both. I appreciate your kind words.
i hope i enjoy it as well
6260635
I hope so, too.
Ahh that was so sweet and very nicely put together for a first timer.
All questions i got is, will there be more?
i had relay nothing to say about this except that i liked it, a fun little distraction to reed. I'll give you a 7/10 would read again.
~Tobben
I have two issues. First, if you put an empty line between paragraphs, it makes it more readable.
My second issue is with this line;
It's a bit awkward. It feels to me like the break should be before "is", not after it.
But I get the feeling that some people will disagree with me, and, perfectly honest, it doesn't detract from the story. I found it cute and likable.
A.K.A. Fluttershy dreamed about Twilight's butt.
"stirring up the gale and directing"
Is that "gale" meant to refer to the gentle breeze? Because, um...
"gale |geɪl|
noun
1 a very strong wind: I slept well despite the howling gales outside | it was blowing a gale | [ as modifier ] : gale-force winds battered the North Sea coast.
• (also fresh gale) (on the Beaufort scale) a wind of force 8 (34–40 knots or 63–74 km/h).
• a storm at sea."
Other than that, it seemed pretty good. I don't know about favouriting it, but I'll certainly upvote. Nicely done for your first story. :)
6260965
What would have improved it for you?
6261395
This is my preferred style of indenting paragraphs. It looks neater to me.
Mm. I think the Is needs to be where it is because left to its own devices is the phrase that Twilight is fishing for. I think it'd look awkward if I moved it now.
Thank you for your comment. I'm glad you found it enjoyable.
6261551
Well, if you want to put it bluntly ...
6262460
I suppose I should've clarified that a bit. The wind started off at gale force when the pegasi created it, but by the time it reaches wherever Twilight and Fluttershy are sitting, it's lost its edge.
6262851
To be honest not much, just a tad longer and maybe have a scene were they wake up, one can only speculate what happend when they woke up to head home.
Again you did a good job, god knows you did better then my first.
~Tobben
6262882
Speculation is fun, though.
I mean, there are a couple of things I could possibly do with the scenario at hand, but they're all a bit similar to what's already out there. I'd rather leave this a mildly good one-shot than ruin it by heading down a clichéd path.
6262851
Ah, okay; thanks.
6263069
You're welcome. Thanks for the comment.
Very lovely!
6263713
Thanks!
That was beautiful and sweet!
6263874
Thank you!
6262851
I can't tell if you understood my issue or not. The indenting isn't an issue to me, and actually makes it a bit easier to tell when a new paragraph starts. It's the lack of a space between paragraphs that actually makes it a bit tricky for me to read. What I mean is:
Paragraph
Empty line
Paragraph
I don't know if you realized that that was what I had issues with, but it was just a suggestion.
As for that line, I suggested moving the "is" because "Everything else" is the subject of the sentence, and what Twilight was indicating by waving her hoof. Having her motion described away from the subject seems strange to me. Again, it's just a suggestion.
6264406
No, I understood. It's, well, this is how I've always formatted stories.
lol theres another story with the same name but its most likely a diff story
6265348
Probably.
Both sweet and sad. Fantastic slice of life. Hope to read more from you
6478665
Me, too, but alas real life all too often intervenes in the best laid plans ...
Great Job for a first story. I've never read a romance of Twilight and Fluttershy but this is certainly interesting.
I like how you showed each characters thoughts and Reflections and I especially loved that the story ends without Fluttershy revealing her feelings. That ending with the stars could imply a lot of things and It could create the starting point for a sequel. Great Job!
6641774
Thank you. I'm glad that you liked the story. (Sorry for the late reply. I don't get around as much as I'd like to.) I wanted to do something atypical for the romance genre: we take it as read that, at the end, the characters will get together, but real life doesn't have a nice, smooth narrative to it.
It's stories like this which. make me feel as if Twishy should be canon. Because this was good.