- Member Since 28th May, 2015
- offline last seen April 13th
Extradimensional Alien
28-year old fanfiction writer from Russia.
Extradimensional Alien
Joined 28th May, 2015 ·
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Well you caught my interest, I do look forward to reading more chapters in the future.
6257074
I am glad that I managed to do so
recent post war? radiation still strong and fresh or did Twilight stumble into the 'present' Fallout timeline where there will be mention of the Vault Dweller?
6259128
It's "recent post-war" (to use your words), when compared to Fallout. "Present" timeline would be pushing it. Can you imagine Sunset living for 200 years?
As for Vault Dweller... for purposes of this story, Sunset is one, as she did come from Vault 75.
The radiation is within tolerable levels to walk on the surface, like in Fallout 3, but the pockets of radiation are more numerous and dangerous. As mentioned in prologue,
As for why radiation dropped so fast... it's a mystery yet to unravel. In other words, it's a spoiler.
6259499 I see, i'll wait and see more. Keep it up, and i have an appropriate title for Sunset. 'The Phoenix' and for Twilight 'Wandering Princess' by the radio. Both are obviously good karma and did something to earn them that title and recognition
6259542
Thank you for the suggestions. I cannot guarantee I will use them, but still, thanks
The karma, however... nobody guarantees that they will keep it intact. Even I don't know if they will...
MWAHAHA!
The whole thing was so rushed.
And funny things is, I find it odd and stupid that Twilight will have such a reaction to Sunset Killing those bandits to protect her.
I mean with all the magical predators roaming around Equestria, I don't think Ponies will just give up and left themselves get eaten if they don't have no choice.
6264167
"Rushed" - you mean the pace of events was rushed, or the chapter seemed as if written in rush?
On your comment about Twilight's bad reaction to Sunset killing raiders: thank you for the criticism (no joking, I am really thankful
), but I am afraid I need to counter it.
Naturally, ponies wouldn't let anyone just eat them, and they do use violence in self-defense or when defending others, when needed. However, I have never seen it in MLP:FiM or Equestria Girls that ponies actively used lethal force for that purpose (antagonists are not taken into account, naturally); this gives the impression that they practically always fight to incapacitate and drive back rather than kill. Of all ponies who would actually use lethal force, I can imagine only Royal Guard, to which Twilight obviously does not belong.
Moreover, I hardly imagine that a human who witnessed someone killed in front of him for the first time in his life (even if the deceased tried to kill him in turn) would react adequately in this case. Twilight's reaction here is, of course, NOT adequate (at least, for the Wastelands); and she has not adapted to the new world which is basically anti-Equestria yet. Once she does, however...
Again, thank you for comment and criticism
Yay :) I'm enjoying this story
6291975
I'm glad you are
I'm enjoying this :)
*Sigh*
That is NOT how Karma works, not even close...
6307397
In Fallout - no, not really. But I am taking several liberties here, since I consider that morality system... imperfect.
Thank you for the comment
6307310
Thank you for the comment
Real great chapter. I real can't wait for the neat chapter hope it comes soon.
6334153
I'm glad you liked it
If 5-10 days of waiting is "soon" in your book, then yes, Chapter 6 is coming soon
Well, not bad, especially if I consider that you are no native speaker.
I read the intro and the prologue at this point and think I will read a little further. I'll try to formulate a more detailed critique once I reached the last chapter or stoped reading (which admittedly is still possible).
But, as I said, not a bad start.
6335611
Thank you for the comment
I'll be waiting for your critique.
Interesting story so far.
In regards to grammar, I noticed a lot of missing 'the's.
Interesting story so far.
In regards to grammar, I noticed a lot of missing 'the's.
6335759
What?
Could you point me, please?
This very thing is not something I should have had trouble with. If anything, I felt there were too many the's instead. Typically I do not use them with objects that are singular and can't be confused with another one at the moment of speech but not unique like the Sun or the Moon.
6335759
Found two cases where "the" was missing:
Fixed now:
Thanks for pointing that out. Any more left?
6335823 - I spotted missing the's throughout the chapters. Would take me ages to point them all out here. Couple of examples from the intro bolded, as well as a couple of other errors:
This used to be a peaceful place. People lived their everyday life. They went to job. They had dinner with their families back at home. They had fun with their friends. They visited shops, or posted things on MyStable. There was (<-were) a bazillion things to do. Life was good.
Unfortunately, few realized that this good life demanded a steady influx of resources. Resources that were not infinite.
And one fateful day, people discovered that they would run out of said resources very soon. The world was teetering on the edge of (add 'an') energy crisis.
Alas, the locals have a bad tendency of not being able to come to compromise when facing crises like this. Their historical records prove(d) it.
Tensions rose between the lands. Every ruler tried to get as many of (<-take out of) natural resources as they could at the expense of everybody else. The means of beating opponents at this dangerous political game changed gradually. At first, it was discreet sabotage and theft. Then everyone started hiring mercenaries to fight for them, so as to maintain plausible deniability. Later, open conflicts began. The world descended into madness. No one wanted peace; all geopolitical players wanted to remain the sole winner who takes all.
Couple more errors I happened across in reading through this chapter. I find that reading through the chapters out loud can help locate errors. If it doesn't sound right saying it, then something is in need of correction:
"A massive underground bunker that can protect from atomic bombs if they do not fall too close, and supply the people within with clean water. One can live there for ages, Twilight. Unfortunately, I had to rush into the Vault straight from job, and my magic book remained at home, so I couldn't tell you what happened here. I am sorry, Twilight."
"No need to apologize, Sunset," Twilight replied, still in shock from hearing all the information. "So you hid in the Vault?"
"Yes, and initially we thought we would have to live there for very long time. You see, atomic bombs leave behind invisible poison known as radiation. When they fell, people thought we would spend our whole life in the Vault. It was not true, but calculations said radiation levels would be too high to live on surface for twenty years. But something was not right there, as we lived there for seven years only, and yet now one can walk around relatively freely, if one has radiation detector. There are still pockets where one shouldn't go, but they can be avoided."
6336298
Thank you for pointing that out. Fixed.
6336213
Fixed the "job" part, the "energy crisis" part, and went another way on "natural resources" part. Thank you for pointing that out.
But I have to disagree on the rest. Unless you speak a version of English unfamiliar to me with different grammatic rules that state otherwise, phrase like "there was a million/bazillion things" is correct, AFAIK. Typing the phrase in quotation marks in Google search gives results with the phrase used unchanged, which means this phrase is conventional and not erroneous.
I wrote "Their historical records prove it" instead of "proved it" because the paragraph implies that the speaker (Sunset) has access to some historical records at the time she speaks, and not before.
Thanks once again
*Hefts up a box filled with the word 'the'*
You dropped this a few chapters back.
6337709
I'll try and see where else I could have missed them and fix that, but no Pinkie Promises I'll get them all. All the time I learned English in the past, overusing articles knocked off points, thus I try not to use articles too much.
(Just had a mental image of a Protoss from StarCraft telling me "You need to place additional the's!"
)
Thank you for the comment
fallout: equstria, girls? ok most unexpected fic ever. carry on
6340387
Wow, really?
...well, I did try to write something that has never (to the best of my knowledge) been tried before.
I'll carry on, thank you
Chapter 6 is already WIP.
6340419 well didn't expect someone to go fallout on the equestria girls
I will continue reading this story, because it is different, interesting and unique. However, you really shouldn't be afraid to use the word "the" more often. For instance after Sunset's thoughts about the guards asking for her help, it read and felt more like she had a Native American name. The name being Pony-turned-human. I know you were trying to not over use "Sunset" or other descriptive terms, but you should have written, "thought the pony-turned-human" instead.
Also during her fight with the radscropion you should have said "the radscropion" almost every time you had just "radscropion". It was not a radscropion named radscropion she was fighting. Sunset was fighting a radscropion a particular radscropion, but still one of a species. You could use something like "the mutated monstrosity" every so often to change it up if you wanted.
I am not sure what you mean by writing fanficiton to improve your English. If you are wanting to improve your English regarding essay writing and class work, than fanfiction is not the right place for it. Writing stories is actually very different from classwork, essays, and research papers. Things such as losing points for over using "articles" do not apply when writing a work of fiction in the real world. Some of the things people are taught for essay writing do not apply for writing a story. The truth is if you were to follow a lot of "essay rules" in your non-essay writing, it is actually wrong.
(Also if you are really wanting to improve your English by writing, you have to be open to the idea what you were taught might actually be wrong. This means your habits formed from past English classes and lessons isn't actually proper outside of those classrooms and lessons.)
It is very important to take into account your audience and what you are writing. You are not writing an essay for a crotchety old English professor to grade. This is not a scholarly journal for self important and "elitist" English majors to discuss and try to tear apart in an effort to prove they are better than their peers in the room. You are allowed to, and many times should, use the word "the" more often than you have so far. Another thing you are allowed to do, and are usually encouraged to do in writing works of fiction, is use contractions.
If you feel like you will die from some horrible disease because you start using "the" more often, than here is something you can do for this story to increase your "the" allowance. Look at how you are using the word "that". More often than not, when people type out "that" it actually can and should be taken out because it doesn't serve any purpose to the sentence and ends up being unnecessarily repetitive while sticking out like a sore thumb.
If you still feel as if the grammar head hunters from a nearby university will come for you because you used "the" too many times, you will have to do a lot of work in restructuring how you write sentences. The same headhunters will come for you if all you do is just omit the word "the". Doing so doesn't improve your writing. It instead reads and feels more awkward and doesn't properly work.
I must say I like the way Sunset prayed to her ex-mentor. It adds to the whole goddess image Alicorns usually have if even in a different world "used-to-be-ponies" still think of Celestia in that way to a point. Plus it shows that Sunset is in a way clinging to pony Equestria as kind of a dream or at the very least a safety net for her own sanity.
Also, no matter what you say when it comes to music in this world, I'm still saying they're listening to proper GNR type of music
. I should probably mention I haven't read further than the prologue at this point, so some of the things I mentioned may have already been changed for future chapters. I just felt like I really had to say something already.
one other thing I really look forward to is how you incorporate Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Fluttershy, since I don't think their heads of important businesses nor are they high ranking officials in elite military forces here. I mean Sunset is only in her twenties when this story started and she was out of the vault. Not really enough time for all of that to happen, which leaves room for possibilities in some respects. I can actually see some of them being local leaders or shop keepers possibly.
Well... on to the next chapter.
At least you have Sunset with you now, that really counts for something!
As for grammar, I won't go into detail about "the" again, but it is still an issue. I did notice you used parentheses a lot in this chapter. Parentheses are usually used to single out information that is deemed optional to read and not actually part of the sentence or paragraph. Some times you used them correctly, but other times you used them around full sentences that were still actually a part of the paragraph when read.
Grammar aside, this was a good chapter. I could feel for Twilight being in this wasteland or wastelands (just wondering... why the plural?). I also had to grin when she hug tackled Sunset.
Twilight's reactions felt right to me. One could say she might have "killed" during the changeling invasion, but it wasn't gruesome or as noticeably violent as Sunset's gun shots. I think Twilight's reaction to the situation was understandable and fitting. It is even more so if you consider how peaceful Equestria generally is.
I like their S.P.E.C.I.A.L and traits. They seem very fitting for both characters. It is also something I loved about Fallout: Equestria or Fallout fics in general from what I have seen.
I really wish I had an ounce of artistic talent. If I did, I would draw Sunset in her Vault suit with her gun and then her and Twilight's hug.
Well you used more "the" this chapter or found a way to avoid them besides just dropping it, which is good. I still noticed some here and there missing, but they weren't glaring and I considered them just missed because of the overall size of the chapter. It might be I'm just subconsciously adding them, but I don't think that is the case.
I really liked this chapter. The fight was awesome and the boss battle was rightly intense. I do hope future boss fights won't get so intense they are unrealistic. This one was really good though. It's intensity felt right. I loved the way Twilight got creative while facing him. So far you are making good use of her intelligence even when fighting.
The survival guide entry was a nice touch. It will be nice to see future entries and learn more about how you envision the post apocalyptic Equestria Girls' world.
I'm really liking the SunLight friend shipping so far (no idea if you will take it further than that and either way I like it). They've already had some ups and downs and I'm sure they'll have more in the future, but they got past them and resolved the issues. "War may never change, but neither does friendship."
I do hope we will soon see Sunset and Twilight (oh and Spike
) venture out into more of the Wastelands. I believe we're close to that going by the deal Sunset made with Swift. I think this is good. We have been in Vault Village for a while now. It feels like we are getting close to leaving the place and you are pacing it just right. We've seen a good bit of it and gotten to know the people, but aren't really over staying the visit.
Regardless of what happens, I am ready for the long haul of this fic. After all, they still have to get Sunset's book, find their friends, find the portal, and then wait for it to open again (if they have to wait after finding it). This doesn't even count all of the side quests and shenanigans they'll undoubtedly get up to during their trip.
6340943
I'll try and bear that in mind, thank you
It's not only writing, but reading too. I have expanded my vocabulary and knowledge of spoken English a bit by reading fanfiction. As for writing, it's more of learning through written interaction with others and mistakes.
Good point, although that might not be easy. All my English teachers I had encountered (from primary school to university) were well-educated professionals, and most of them had experience in interacting with native English speakers.
Amusing mental image
yes, I try to keep that in my mind.
That's my weaker points - Complex Object and Complex Subject. I tend to use "that" in sentences like these as an insurance against making a worse mistake - back when we had first encountered that stuff, I made most mistakes with them when NOT using that. Force of habit
EDIT (September 8 2015): Previously I stated that Sunset's twenty-five, but that is wrong. I believed that since latest events on CHS (that should be Friendship Games now) 90 moons have passed (that's approximately 7 years and three months), but my further thinking on the lore of the human world made me realize that there was actually no time for war. So now, 90 moons have passed since the Day of Burning, when both sides engaged in MAD. The Last War had started shortly before Sunset's graduation, and went on for a few years.
6341451
Quotation marks are the key point here. If you look attentively at the scene where Main 6 is showed surrounded by changelings lying around, you'll see them twitching. That means nopony used lethal force. Personally, I think Twilight used a concussive blast spell of sorts. And of course, none of changelings actually had visible damage to their bodies.
Even when fighting Tirek, I don't think Twilight actually wanted his blood. Maim him? Heck yes ("You destroyed my BOOKS! You'll pay for that!
"), but not kill.
I hope you and others will be pleasantly surprised once it comes to that
Same here
I really wish I could support my story with art, but I can't draw with pencils, and my skills are limited to some primitive Photoshopping (the result of which is the cover art, actually), and I really suck at vector graphics like CorelDraw. TBH, I actually prefer something like Source Filmmaker, but then I'd need to learn 3D-modelling. There's commissioning, of course, but I would want high-quality works which are not free, and dollar is very expensive to Russian rouble right now (stupid currency market 
)
I heard there may be tutorials for those who want to learn to draw ponies and Equestria Girls. Maybe I'll use them...
6342169
To this, I don't really have anything to say aside from "Thank you"
Your comments are really appreciated.
...approved.
6258344 ...Still aprove.
6342954
Thank you for approval
Really looking forward for the new chapter
6343303
Chapter 6 is WIP right now.
Great chapter! Can't wait for more!
Awesome chapter! Love this story, and wonder who and what they will encounter on the road.
Also wonder how super mutants will exist in this world, and if some are reasonable or different from the other types.
6353536
Glad you enjoyed it
6353559
Many faces, some of them familiar.
How they exist is simple: Forced Evolutionary Virus.
As for being reasonable/different: who knows...
Thank you for the comment
I'm loving this fic. I'm getting interested in reading a Fallout Equestria, and playing Fallout 3 which my brother bought a while ago, but: I didn't read the former because it's FREAKING LONG, and the latter because my PS3 is shit, I won'r be able to buy another until mid September. About the mature content you suggested comments on, this is what I got: this is your story, and the setting makes sense to have cases of such content, even rape, which is a dark subject, and it makes sense it exist, but I wouldn't go so far to actually have a rape scene. Having happen off screen in a matter of speaking is enough
6353672
Find some time and read it. I've managed to get to the end, and that's coming from a person that could not get to the end of "War and Peace" by Leo Tolstoy. You can do it!
Never planned on writing one, to be honest. Thanks for the advice.
And thank you for the comment
This was a pretty good chapter. Still a couple of missing the's, but much better than your earlier chapters. One thing that might end up being too much if you keep it up, for both the readers and your writing, is how detailed you got about the Barter exchange. The first part of it about the combined stacks of junk was well done and interesting because it showed Twilight's and Sunset's personalities while dealing with merchants a little.
However, it did start to drag quickly and telling us how much ammo they bought and had total might make things a bit tougher on yourself. Having a set amount of ammo they each hold means you have to actually count out the bullets they use. You also might open yourself up to criticism from the mathematicians and math lovers out there, who get carried away adding them all up. Regarding the looting, you might have gotten a little carried away going into full detail about how they split it all up. Some of it was good such as the guns (meaning how the repaired them up and only kept some) and the meds, but the junk and details about the ammo was boring and seemed extremely overly detailed.
I liked the way you showed us in the flashback how Twilight was rescued. Some writers would just say oh it happened and that's all that matters. It was nice seeing Sunset and Spike debating on what to do and then seeing how they were all rescued from the cave by the Rapid Rangers.
I loved the moment our two girls had at the start of the chapter. It was also nice, from a characterization stand point, hearing Sunset tell Twilight what it was like after moving to Trottingham. It shows us how Sunset got to the point she did in the beginning of the story. I really look forward to how Sunset and Twilight grow as they continue out into the Wastelands.
Another thing I find really interesting and want to see how it plays out, is the debating voices in Twilight's mind. I can see this having a lot of potential story wise. Am I correct in assuming one is her "bad karma" voice while the other is her "good karma" voice? Or are you mostly wanting to show us how Twilight's naivete is already starting to fade away in this new world and she herself is changing? Either way, this is something that looks to be interesting.
I laughed at Twilight feeling a "pull" to collect and keep Fast Grabber's gun. I know I get the same way when playing Fallout myself. It doesn't even matter if I prefer a different type of weapon. I still want to have the weapon some named boss character had if I don't already have one.
Now that we are in Fallout Equestria Girls, I suppose we are bound to see canon characters or learn of their fate, right? I am betting that the waifu thief is a raider