This story is a sequel to OC Slamjam - Round Three
The Official Compilation of all entries from the final rounds of the OC Slamjam run by Obselescence, where authors invented OCs and were paired up into brackets to write a story about their opponent's OC and their own!
THE OFFICIAL CONTEST COMPENDIUM - Use this to find the relevant entries on everyone's OC. Control+F helps a lot in quickly finding names.
You have until 11:59 PM CST on Tuesday, September 1 to cast votes on your favorite entry from each bracket. Each chapter contains both competitors' entries, each attributed to the author who created that OC. Cast your vote in a comment on the relevant chapter by writing "[OC Name]'s Author" in bold at the top of your comment. You may cast one vote per OC pairing. Votes should ideally be cast based on characterization, overall writing quality, and how well the author utilized the character sheets contained in the official contest compendium.
To retain anonymity, authors are allowed to cast votes on their own entries. You don't need to vote on entries marked as won by default. To spread the votes around, please try not to start from the beginning.
Oh boy oh boy oh boy!
Space reserved for vote counting!
Things are going to get interesting up in here!
There are only four pairs, and he says not to start from the beginning? Pshaw.
This is not going to be easy, is it?
Here we go with the contrast between a low-stakes story and a high-stakes. We also have one of those stories with an out-there and completely unexplained premise, which has not been judged favorably so far.
I'm leaning toward the second, because I'm gonna have to give another look at the ending of the first: It turns out Luster does love something there after all, but then the growth that Luster goes through in the end is that she leaves?
...
Wait, what? The story that nails Luster Lock's character was LILIGOLD and the one with all the cool stuff about plants was LUSTER?
Shit, guys. We knew this was going to be a big one, and...
Luster Lock's Author
So I finally decided: The thing that moved my vote, besides what I say below is how much I absolutely LOVED how the story worked. It was very vivid and the stream of consciousness, the notes, the intro scene... those just sealed the deal. I have to say I was very much liking Lilligold's little adventure story, but for me Luster takes the cake.
Luster's Story
Holy crap that story. Luster, it was beautiful. You gave so much personality to Lilligold, it was- I dunno, I mean, I thought I had an idea of who she was, but the way you wrote her is unique. Her interaction with Luster was very interesting, definitely not what I expected. It was subtle, and I love the change it brought up in Luster herself. Well done!
Lillygold's Story
Oh man, Lilly's story tugs at my adventurer side! Lilly, you took a risk with this one, but the characters felt true and interesting. I wasn't too sold when I saw Audrey mentioned again, but you made it really work for the story. I loved how they solved their conundrum, although I think that the word limit really affected what you were doing. Damn. This story needed a second chapter!
Gah. Can't make up my mind. I'll come back to this one later.
Another set of stories with funny similarities and differences.
Mango Leaf has done his straightforward slice of life shtick again, and this is the best he's done so far with execution. This is the super-obvious way to use Summer Heat, and as a result she really, really rings true.
Summer Heat has written something kind of messy, but also rather interesting. It has an element of fun to it, there's a lot more dialogue and interaction, there's the bits that were straight up lifted from Haystacks in round 3, and I think there's actually a parody of Haystacks' writing style.
Leaning toward Summer Heat, but again not making a snap decision.
Oh, finals because everything's gonna be posted here from now on?
Mango Leaf's Author
Wow, I spent like 40 mins just going back and forth on this story. I loved them both, and I wish that they hadn't been matched so soon!
Both stories made an effort to make Summer Heat almost slutty. I like that. If we take both scenes something magical might happen! And both stories dealt with relationships too, in very different ways and impacting very differently on each other.
Mango's Story
Well, I have to give you props for having a semi-cohesive story actually working out through the whole contest. We've been exploring Mango's life as part of a whole, which is pretty cool, even if it might make things more complicated for you to write. Maybe next round you should take Summer's approach and do something completely unrelated? Although I guess one of the strengths of your stories is that it's connected. Ah well.
I liked the deviation from your usual upbeat chapters into a sad territory, and how you portrayed both Mango's optimism and Summer Heat's flakiness to commitment and loyalty. The ending was also a good reflection of how a character like Summer could affect others, but also be directly affected, instead of simply being a happy-go-lucky illusion. I like the implications of her taking the lock and putting it there herself, since it also gives her own story a tragic twist.
Summer Heat's Story
I think that Summer Heat has been one of my favorite characters this contest and her mischievous attitude is what really won me over all those times. I like her attitude. I think that always, always sells her to me; that happy-go-
sluttylucky thing she has going for her and her fearless ability to jump up to the challenge like she did against Iron Curtain.I hate to say this but, Summer Heat feels a bit OOC when it comes to her relationship with Mango. Not terribly, of course... obviously Summer Heat's author would know how to write her, but, since when does she invest time on others to help them? I mean, granted it is lampshaded, but it's odd. And it seems unusual for her to form an attachment and go back to it since her purpose seemed to be to avoid that at all costs. It's a far different Summer Heat than the self-centered character she's described as in her sheet.
Results... well, I'll be honest...Summer's story almost feels like a poke at, and convenient use of, the popularity the accidental shipping that happened with Haystacks author received. And in turn, most of its appeal comes from shipping the previous round and less from strengths of its own. It's definitely more about Haystacks and Mango than it is about Summer and Mango, and that rubs me the wrong way as much as it makes me sad because the main character here should be Summer. She shouldn't be the support role.
In the end, although both stories tried to tie the characters to previous iterations, Mango's is actually consistent and shows a Summer Heat that is not invulnerable, while again, Summer's feels like it's riding a shipping bandwagon.
Anyway, I'll post my thoughts on the other two tomorrow, most likely. Choosing between these two really drained me.
6227444 More likely because once this round is decided, the winners will have to battle Falcata until only one remains.
Obligatory:
Mango uses no Hawaiian. This is my fault and I feel kind of bad. Sorry dude, I shouldn't have been so blunt.
Summer Heat does just some weirdly spot-on things like "kama'aina" and "mainland," which makes it feel all the weirder that they intentionally carried the worst one, "cousin," over from the last round.
Lilligold's Author
Boy was this close. Also really, really good on both sides. Still knew who I was voting for by the end, though.
Luster's entry, like I said, was really good. It was beautifully descriptive and took Lilligold's potential for creativity to the max. But there were one or two things working against it, at least for me. The stream-of-consciousness journal entries were fantastic and the distant third-person narration was a nice balance to them, but at times it was a little overdone, especially in the beginning with the slideshow. That scene just felt painfully slow compared to the journal that followed it. It took me a long time to figure out what was going on, and I had a lot of trouble picturing what was being described. The rest of the entry was much better about that, though I'm curious to see what Burraku thinks of all those sentence fragments.
The other thing was characterization. I loved Lilligold's search for inspiration and her brainstorming notes, but I thought she was awfully confident at the end, to the point where I'm not afraid to hold up the OOC card. Luster herself was good, but didn't really have enough attention to contribute anything to the entry's strength. She wasn't given enough focus to lead me along at the end with her decision to leave, and I didn't get what was going on there until the second read-through.
But the story was good enough I would have ignored both of those things if Lilligold had disappointed me. She didn't. She almost did at the beginning, but thankfully she had the rest of the story to make up for the initial shock of the oddball scenario.
Lilligold's wasn't as impressive artistically, but that's mostly because the story was limited to two effectively identical jail cells and a couple flashbacks, so it's not really a fault. It absolutely shone in characterization, however. Luster was everything I've ever expected from her (without a stallion to flirt with, of course), summed up in this sentence:
I love her so much. Lilligold was spot-on, too. I don't recall, but I'm pretty sure I once said that Lilligold was the sort of character that needed an adventure or dark story to bring out the best in her (I think it was in Round 2 predictions? Or something like that). I admit I frowned when Audrey was brought back into this, but she was actually one of the strongest parts of the story. Do I still think she should have a different name, and maybe not be a flytrap? Absolutely. But for the Angel Bunny to Lilligold's Fluttershy, Audrey is a really good supporting character. It wasn't enough when she was the mute, supportive BFF in Lilligold's romance, but it was more than enough here.
I do love the prisoner story. These two spending months and losing hope was one of the stronger stories of the whole Slamjam, in my opinion. Remember everything I said in defense of my last Rachis story, with the poetry and the AU? This one does all the same things that I said were strengths of good AU writing, without killing either character or technically being an AU. We saw their weaknesses and their strengths because they were brought down to greater levels of stress than they could be in any other way. I thought a while ago about starting a group thread about what to do to win my vote, and Lilligold's Quarterfinal entry nails all of them except being noticeably pretty (which Luster Lock was kind enough to make up for).
Sorry, Luster Lock. You did a fine job the whole way through, but we can't bring both of you forward.
Plus, I really want to read the rest of this story. The villain gave just the right impression to make me want to know more about him.
Plus plus, bonus points to LL for the "queer proposal." Haven't laughed that hard outside a comedy entry all 'jam.
Oh, so it's not the finals. What a misleading name, Mr. Obs. I was almost scared to slam my jams.
I'm almost scared to read these now, because I don't want anyone to be eliminated. I like all of these characters! But, alas, the jam must slam on.
I truly, deeply, bitterly regret not going with my other idea of something like this but with Mango and Gillette. The amount of connection would have been amazing.
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That would have been very scary. And awesome. I'm honored to be your opponent this round, Summer Heat. Best of luck!
Mango Leaf's Author
I love the Slamjam so much. Why can't everything I read be this much fun?
I'm sorry, I can't resist. In the spirit of Luster Lock's stream-of-consciousness journals, here are my reactions to Mango's entry as they came to me. I bet yours were all pretty similar:
And I guess it's only fair I do the same thing for Summer's entry:
I take my first comment about the previous pair back. This one was far closer, and they both exemplified what it means to be in Round 4 of the OC Slamjam. I love how the two authors took Mango's canon in completely different directions, and how both of them really took on the other's usual style and tone over their own. If either of them had done something closer to what they usually did, this would have been a much different contest.
So quick notes on my vote. Both stories had mistakes, especially Mango's, but both stories were good enough to make up for it. Mango finally gave us Summer Heat doing what she does best, though maybe skirted a little too close to the character development she had last round against Quick Study. Like I said, Summer's story didn't have quite enough Summer in it for me to feel her last scene with her in it, and the last two scenes with Mango and Haystacks were a bit too talk-y to fit in with the rest of the story. It was a continuation of Haystacks's last-round entry and the dialogue they had in it, but it didn't really work here. It was certainly a big change from the borderline-parodic nature of the rest of the fic.
Insanely close call, came down to well-roundedness more than anything else. Mango had it, Summer not as much. Still, good job to both of you, and thank you so much for this experience.
(Sorry to everyone for the really long posts all the time)
Lilligold's Author
This was a really close one, with two very different yet very good stories. In the end, I'll give it to the second one since it had a more interesting setup and because the I felt the first story didn't do quite enough with Luster's character.
Luster Lock's Author
I enjoyed both of these, but they also both had something that I really didn't like about them.
I didn't like Luster Lock's prologue. It didn't do anything for me and was a real turn off. Once I got past it, it was all good.
And for Lilligold's story, the darkness didn't feel right. Maybe with a larger word count and more time to explain the mysterious pony who tortures ponies for fun and keeps ponies locked up for months and has evil golems that ransacked some part of Equestria(?) (with no one noticing and maybe calling the Royal Guards?) and took a substantial amount of ponies captive there would be something great. I dunno; just doesn't sit right with me. Mainly the tortures ponies for fun thing.
Evergreen's Author
Both were good, but I lost certainty in Ace's as I read Evergreen's.
I had to go pull up my predictions for this pair. Both authors strayed from their usual styles in this round, but I guess I should have seen that coming. Ace did a good job showing us how Evergreen could be vulnerable, but I'm still not sure about Ace himself going to such stupid lengths. I can understand how desperate he is to prove himself to Nocturne and I actually appreciate that element a lot, but it's hard to agree when any character - especially one who's usually so competent - is just so plain stupid. I did love all the little details that I found in this story, like Ace actually ending up in front of the hiking group multiple times after Evergreen joked about it, and Ace mentioning how he expected Evergreen's letter to be written in her accent. I love it when an author does things like that. It shows how much they care.
Evergreen toned back the usual over-the-top humor and also gave us a more "human" view of her character, in a way I appreciate. Nocturne is not only a perfect marefriend to bring out the best in Ace, she also brought out the best in this story. Her humor with Ace and her woman talk with Evergreen were just what both characters needed, I think. That's actually true of both stories, but not with Evergreen in Ace's entry. That's probably the biggest reason for my vote.
Though I have to disagree with Evergreen's author about the appropriateness of a moose at a curling match.
At this point, I would like us all to spend a moment appreciating how many of these entries are complete failures at staying within the word count.
Vote: Firefly's Author
Both stories, at their core, are about Falcata trying to find her place in modern Equestria. In Falcata's story this takes place through her trying to find a job that fits the outdated skills she has developed as a centurion while Firefly's story focuses more on the internal struggle between Falcata's outmoded concepts of honor and service and the ideals of present-day society. Falcata's story gives the reader a sense of her character through telling—the job interview concept is probably a bit too uncreative for a contest like this—and we only hear her talking about how she was a mighty pegasus warrior. Firefly's author, on the other hand, sells this characterization much more convincingly, by not only showing Falcata in action during a flashback, but giving her a distinctive voice and matching her behaviors and attitudes to those of a centurion displaced in time. Firefly's characterization is a bit more subdued in both pieces, but his role is executed well in both.
Firefly's story, however, did have one major error: hospice care is care for terminally ill patients. When that word popped up in the beginning of the story, I thought Firefly's author was being quite bold in setting up a story where both characters would die. As it turns out, Firefly's author was just ignorant as to the meaning of the word (or perhaps the meaning is different outside of the US). Nevertheless, Firefly's story had the stronger concept, writing, and characterization, so my vote goes to his author.
Luster Lock's Author
What You Love
Pros: Very distinct characters, and I loved how engaging it was. The start was a bit rough, but the experimental use of formatting worked overall, I think.
Cons: The opening bit was confusing, and several parts felt rushed.
L-Block
Pros: Very intense. I liked the format, and you handled the flashbacks in a way that enhanced the story nicely. The descriptions serve the mood very well.
Cons: The whole thing was unrelentingly sad to the point of being one-note. The focus is too much on the torture and not enough on the ponies.
Both of these authors took risks, and both works are very commendable. However, there were a few things that tipped the scales in Luster's favor.
"What You Love" had some excellent experimental formatting. The prologue was confusing, but after that, I think the stream-of-consciousness journaling flowed very naturally. This story also did a better job of characterizing both OCs – I definitely got a sense of the differences between Luster and Lilligold, and the dialogue was marvelously written. I wish the ending hadn't been so abrupt, but this did very well as a slice-of-life story.
"L-Block" definitely hit hard, but the phrase my brain keeps coming back to is "torture porn." I feel like a lot of the character development got lost amid the need to constantly kick the ponies. Stripped of the horrifying details, a lot of the story was just the characters narrating details to each other, but not in a way that made them distinct. It felt like it could have been any two ponies in those cells, and it wouldn't have changed the story much. All that said, Lilligold's author is excellent at writing dark stories with gut-wrenching details, and definitely want to read more stories by them once the contest is over (and that goes for Luster's author, too).
Abstain
This is another one I'm unsure about, but neither wowed me in the same way the other six did. Firefly's author obviously had a lot of fun writing Falcata, though at some times it felt like there was a little too much Shakespeare in her speech and other times the author kind of fumbled getting that right (Wherefore is the sky what?)
I loved Falcata's Firefly, especially his boss-employee relationship with Rainbow and his historical curiosity. Once again, though, Falcata's entry seems comparatively unedited. It's not a big enough deal to be a reason for my vote, but it did get distracting.
I also appreciated Falcata's entry's humor. The little throwaway line about Rainbow going off to save the world again was so odd and lazy that I just had to laugh at it. And then of course there was the obligatory meta joke that Firefly completely failed to match.
I would vote for Firefly for having greater strength of story, but I don't think it quite earned the sappiness it tried for. Both entries got the characterization of both characters down well enough, though in different ways both times, so I can't decide it for that. I'm about out of time to spend on this, though, so I'm leaving this one undecided.
Ahhhhh... only eight entries! It's almost relaxing! I'm already done! And no one else has voted on half of them!
6227752 You'll want to move this to the actual chapter :)
6227846 With only eight entries, I don't think even Obs really cares at this point.
Holy hell in a handbasket. I expected this matchup to be a hard one to call, but y'all went above and beyond. This is gonna be almost an impossible choice for me. Not gonna abstain, but I just need to mull these over a bit longer. I'll have more comprehensive opinions on both of these when I come back to vote. Phenomenal job, both authors. Two very different, but very good, stories.
Abstain
Full Disclosure: I had voted for Summer Heat before 6229159 (above) pointed out the plagiarism issue. While I disagree with some of his points (I think using competitors' previous entries is fair game, since it's all part of the contest and builds on each character's history in a way that a little snapshot never could), he's right that lifting whole paragraphs is going too far.
I'm abstaining, because I still think Summer's story was better overall, even with the offending section removed completely.
Mango Leaf's Story
Pros: Very cute, believable story. Good chemistry between Mango and Gillette.
Cons: The dialogue seemed stilted at times, and the story overall lacks polish.
Playing It Straight
Pros: I loved the friendship between Mango and Summer. From a technical standpoint, this is the far superior story.
Cons: The story jumped around a little, and Summer Heat took a bit of a backseat.
Overall, I liked Summer Heat's story better for a number of reasons. The characters and dialogue felt much tighter than Mango Leaf's, and the interactions between characters felt more genuine. Mango's were good, too, but I have to give the nod to Summer Heat.
A couple examples of issues from Mango's story:
"…icy blue eyes pierced through his own like an icicle"
"The discotheque scene wasn't his scene"
There were other repeated words in Mango's as well as some missing punctuation. In Summer Heat's, everything flowed more nicely for me. Great job to both authors.
6227847
Thanks for the vote. By the way, you're right: in modern usage of the word Hospice means a place of care for the terminally ill. But that's a recent re-definition of the word, and not how a person from the middle ages would use the word:
Since Falcata's from roughly the time of Luna's incarceration, I had her speak in the same Elizabethan-sounding accent as Luna's, particularly when she became emotional, as long as it didn't render her incomprehensible. Not being an expert in this area, I had Falcata's dialogue verified by a friend schooled in Elizabethan English. I might have overdone it a bit, but it was fun to explore the use of Elizabethan dialogue outside of a Luna fic!
Ace Artisan's Author
I like how both authors show us a new side of their respective characters through these stories. Whereas Nocturne had been absent from Ace's stories so far, this is the first opportunity we've had to see his author's take on the chemistry between the two. I like how his pathological need to prove his love for Nocturne meshes with everything else we've seen of his character—his insecurities about his race, his drive to prove himself to his superiors and get the hospital project done, and his expectations for himself and his relationship. Ace's author has not been afraid to portray him in a negative light, using this to drive the conflict in his stories. At the same time, his flaws make him a more real and relatable character. The story also does a good job at getting into Evergreen's head and showing us her thought processes as she tries to (literally) talk Ace down from a ledge. The ending served as a great metaphor for the failure of Ace's expectations to meet reality.
Whereas the conflict in Ace's story stems from Ace's flaws, the resolution of Evergreen's story relies on Ace's strengths. Evergreen has so far been the calm, collected, and courageous ranger in all of her stories, but this is one of the first times we see some vulnerability from her. Furthermore, the ending and Evergreen's contemplation of Ace and Nocturne's relationship gives more depth and development to her character. There were some nice themes about teamwork and leadership that went into helping secure the ice palace that connected well with Evergreen's introspective moment at the end.
Both stories were enjoyable reads that were well executed, making this a difficult decision. Ultimately, I'm going with Ace's story as it builds its conflicts around essential aspects of his character, and in doing so, reveals a new side of him to the audience. Both stories ended strongly, but Ace's ending had some great symbolism that wrapped up the themes of the story quite nicely.
Vote: Abstain
I liked both entries in different ways but while I agree Fireflys author managed to get far more mileage with Falcatas character, I think he overdid it a bit and added way too much to Falcatas character and backstory without enough explanation. For example, making Falcata twilights guard without much explanation and interaction from Twi is a rather big plot hole and seems rather contrived for the purposes of forcing a conflict of angst on Falcatas honour. The creation of a romance between Clover and Falcata, while creative, one must also consider that nothing of the sort was written on the authors character sheet, which wouldn't have mattered, except for the fact that not quite was done to sell the relationship as important to Falcatas psyche and her attachment to the past. Were they mates? Did he reciprocate her feelings? Where is the loss associated with Clover? There was a lot of exploration done of Falcatas character but the circumstances that prompted it are suspect
TLDR: Fireflys author added a lot pizazz to his entry and makes good on exploring Falcatas character, but the lack of explanation to make good on his expansions make them appear contrived
That being said Falcatas author while making the story and first contact appear more natural with the meeting taking place as a job interview took a far too conservative approach and proved unable to exploit the tragedy of Falcatas character. The story was nice short and lighthearted, not to mention used both character sheets to the letter, but overall was forgettable and relied too heavily on simplicity for the quarterfinals of this contest.
I have decided on Summer Heat's author. Long story short, it's nuanced in some ways that I definitely appreciate, things like the flashbacks and the POV shifting. It hurts, hurts, HURTS to vote for ambition and meaning that mostly succeeds instead of straightforward and cohesive that almost completely succeeds... I'll come back to this comment.
I have not decided on Lili versus Luster.
Because, damn.
6228019 Ah, I see. Your research definitely paid off, and I enjoyed the way you wrote Falcata in this round.
Ace Artisan's Author
Limits
Pros: Great dialogue, and the humor was a nice touch. The story built momentum very well.
Cons: Ace's motivations weren't clear until later on. A couple transitions felt rushed.
Cold Companionship
Pros: Good characterization. The dialogue between the main characters felt natural.
Cons: The conflict and ending were a bit lackluster, and Evergreen seems a little different than her character sheet would imply. There were some missed paragraph spaces and capitalizations.
This one's close, but both were very enjoyable, very complete stories.
"Limits" built itself up well. The humor with the Canterlot ponies and the tenderness between Ace and Nocturne contrasted nicely with the suspense in the middle of the story. Ace's motivations weren't totally clear until later on when race was brought in more explicitly, but overall, both characters felt well-explored.
"Cold Companionship" was very enjoyable and felt a lot like an episode, complete with the lesson at the end. However, the conflict wrapped up a little too cleanly and immediately, and I was a little irked that Evergreen jumped right in to take charge, since her character sheet stated: "In enclosed environs, and especially crowds, she doesn’t really know how to act..." Ignoring that minor inconsistency, though, the OCs were characterized very well.
Note for both authors: whoever makes it to the next round, consider scaling back how much happens in the story. They each felt rushed at different times, and it's tough to cram a lot of plot into four-thousand(ish) words.
Overall, I think Ace Artisan's author takes it for having a cleaner execution and more depth with the conflict. Like the other pairings, though, both authors should be proud. Well done.
Evergreen's Author
Go get 'im, gurl.
Mango Leaf's author
Holy crap this is hard. Both stories were outstanding. Both played with the "continuity" of the stories really well, using previous stories to enhance the current ones without looking forced. The second story had more subtle interactions between the characters than the first, but suffered somewhat due to including Haystacks a little too prominently. Still, the interactions between the Summer and Mango in the second story was very well done. In the end, though, I have to give it to the first story for doing a better job at exploring Summer's character in addition to Mango's (which both authors did well).
Mango Leaf's Author
Because fuck you, Summer. Take a hike.
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:c
thats not very nice
Luster Lock's Author
Edit: Sooo many abstentions, and I can definitely see why.
Not too much to say in terms of the mechanics, in that both stories were edited well enough that I wasn't bothered. Lilligold's author's entry had a missing word and a debatably missing comma, plus a few spots with a touch of pronoun/focus character confusion. All fairly minor things. Still, in terms of what I spotted, Luster Lock's author manages to win out in the mechanics department—I didn't catch any issues there that didn't come off as purposeful (i.e. in Lilligold's note bits). And bonus points for all of the special formatting; I was a little confused at the start, but most all of it started feeling natural in context pretty quickly.
Getting into characterization, Lilligold's author's Luster Lock feels more traditionally Luster-y than Luster's author's Luster (Luster Luster Luster Luster), but overall, I liked the characterization more in Luster's author's story. Lilligold's author was better about giving the two characters emotionally impactful interaction with each other, but I thought that Lilligold felt kind of bland at any point where Audrey wasn't being mentioned, whereas both characters felt individually distinctive in Luster's author's entry. More the character of Lilligold than of Luster, but Luster still felt unique. On the topic of Luster's author's take on Lilligold, though: loved it. Kind of neurotic, kind of cold/socially passive, maybe even a tad self-harmingly obsessive—all stuff not directly stated on her sheet, but all still perfectly valid and used to bring forward the required characterization from a pretty different angle than we're used to seeing.
In terms of plot (as set apart from the characterization that factored into it), here I think Lilligold's author has the advantage, at least for me personally. While it was good that Luster's author had the characters' meeting with one another spring a little more from who they were and a little less from where they were (though both plots felt somewhat contrived in that a character—Lilligold in Luster's author's and Trixie in Lilligold's author's—just sort of threw a dart at the right spot of a map and went there), Lilligold's author's plot was maybe a bit more fully realized in spite of its comparative simplicity. Luster's author had me thinking more while Lilligold's author had me feeling more, and though both are important, Lilligold's author's plot as set apart from the other aspects just felt more viscerally entertaining.
Lilligold's author's entry also felt more smartly paced even with the huge time skip; the ending portions of Luster's author's piece felt like they zipped by a bit too quickly in comparison to the pace of the earlier parts. As for the ending itself, I found it very interesting—and somewhat more satisfying than the one in Lilligold's author's entry. A lot of it comes out more through implication than I might have expected, but if I have it right, it was a nice choice to make the crux of it be that Luster—otherwise one of the more brash, "cooler" OCs in the contest—loves/wants to protect her parents. And speaking of, that relationship felt pretty natural to me, especially considering that this is the parents' first appearance in the competition (though I did go back and see that her sheet does in fact imply that it's her vaguely defined family's shop, and not just hers). Luster's author's entry on the whole seems to ask a bit more of the reader than most of what we've gotten so far, and I definitely appreciate that.
Still, though: I'm not disappointed in the slightest by what we got out of this matchup, even taking into account how much I'd been looking forward to it.
Edit: 6227456
Ha, what, in the notes? If I go check, I think I could probably count on one hand the number of full sentences I personally wrote in my notes for all my courses last term. That aspect added some nice realism for me.
6228669
Hey, remember when a character being gay wasn't shameless likebait for the fawning masses? Yeah, me neither.
God, I could care less who you said it about. I mean, you could have said it about anyone and I'd still be mad. Being gay is not, or ever will be, a characteristic or a character flaw. It is not indicative of some deeper meaning, nor does it show that you know how to write characters. It's just who you are. This applies to everyone who voted in this section with that little delightful cuddle session between Mango and Haystacks in mind, for better or worse.
We'll dive back into my last round here, because I'm assuming this is where you picked up this awesome notion that having your characters be gay is a fantastic plan. I wrote them as good friends. It was a bad entry and it lost, but whatever, Rome won't burn. I objected to people who just automatically mashed them together making kissy faces, because that's stupid. What - are men suddenly not allowed to have friends? Is this some kind of bullshit notion that we're all so busy tip-toeing around the pink rainbow elephant in the room that anything more serious than 'bros' is automatically classified as gay?
That was even the reason I sent you a message in the first place - because I thought you were the only person who was like, 'was them not being gay intentional? I hope so, because that's admirable.' I was like, 'oh, cool, well at least someone got the idea'. And then you went and wrote that stuff anyway. If you wanna talk about what's 'not very nice', maybe you can start there. Maybe I misunderstood you in the first place; maybe it was my mistake, whatever.
Man, I can't believe I'm so mad about something so small. I bet this is just me that thinks this way too, so I look like a real asshole. Whatever. Emotional openness, vulnerability, supportiveness, and caring has, somehow, become something unusual and risky to show for fear of being called gay. And you're not fucking helping. Good job taking the easy way out.
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Mango Leaf's Author
This is one of those things where something one author does offended me in a "people shouldn't get away with doing this" sort of way to the point that that I can't help but base a not insignificant portion of my decision on it. You could probably make a case for me being biased, but I'm not of a mind to care on this one.
Mechanical flub-ups started to appear in Mango's story as early as the first few paragraphs, and they didn't often let up after that—wide-ranging stuff, too, though it mostly leaned towards various punctuation issues. And there were some stylistic issues as well, the big offenders probably being odd timing/sequencing of events/dialogue, a bit of perspective confusion, and (I know this is weird to say, but still) just how many freaking times a character nodded in that entry—once, the same pair of characters even nodded twice in a single sentence! Nigh on constantly, the editor in me was making me pop over to the tab where I'm currently writing this and very nearly start listing the problem areas one by one. Well and truly crippled my immersion in the story.
Outside of the technical stuff, it has to be said that Mango's author has shown a lot of improvement. There wasn't a disjointed feeling this time around, for me; no scenes felt out of place or superfluous, and less frequently did a moment zip by without due description. It was just a lot more solid than some of the past entries from Mango's author have been. Example: Something I certainly liked about this entry over the one from last round is that the frame with Gilette, or at least her part in it, feels more firmly thematically connected to the rest. In general, the theme of it felt more skillfully interwoven this time around, rather than concentrated into tonally different spots.
Something about the characterization in Mango's author's piece struck me oddly in such a way that I'm not fully sure what he or she was going for. Specifically, I wasn't quite sure whether the author was attempting to paint Mango as a lovable, loving, and naïve young man and Summer as the relatively uncaring, selfish mare that unfairly broke his heart, or whether I was supposed to see Mango as the selfish one. As a fool who—perhaps even willfully—ignored everything apart from physical appearance about this mare he'd failed to (as far as we were shown) get to know, and then forced her into leaving by placing her in an unwinnable situation where it was either that or hurt Mango to his face when she wasn't even sure on what her own feelings for him were apart from that open declarations of love and requests for marriage were too much, too soon. The last few lines of the entry and my yearning to give Mango's author the benefit of the doubt make me lean towards the latter interpretation (even if things like the bartender's assessment of Mango and the author's general portrayal of the character as a good guy point in the other direction), and if that's the case, I really have to commend him or her. That's a pretty daring, realistic take on the character, especially when taken in conjunction with the author's previous tendency towards comedies—which this also wasn't, which I also thought was pretty cool.
Last thing: It tickles me that love locks made their way into Mango's author's entry, like he or she had assumed that Luster Lock would take this round and wanted to have an easy segue. Possibly the most intelligently meta move in the contest, even if I don't think it benefits this story all that much, the way it was executed.
So, getting into Summer's author's entry, you can probably guess the thing that offended me so much even if it didn't have the same effect on you. I've been vocal on the matter of entries' relationships with previous rounds. I've been (figuratively) unamused by but relatively neutral towards references that don't add anything to an entry but a joke or a nod. I've been critical of stories that continue off of previous entries without managing to bake in what's necessary to keep the current entry viable on its own. I've been bothered by lines that feel as though they're lazily copied in part from the sheets or from a previous round's entry. I've been vaguely disgusted by the use of other authors' fallen OCs as primary characters.
This, though, might be the worst twist on the issue yet.
To flat-out use a scene, dialogue verbatim, that another author has written? We don't come into this contest having signed a little waiver that says it's open season on everything we write—in my book, this is goddamn plagiarism, Summer's author (Post-drama edit: in a reflexive, colloquial, and non-legal sense). What somehow makes it even worse? Haystacks' author openly stated that the direction you took the scene in wasn't what he or she'd been shooting for in his or her entry. Haystacks and Mango having been in a homoerotic sort of situation with one another was a fun lens to view that entry in, and yeah, it would've been a funny thing for you to play off of or build a story around if that was all you were doing, but way to add insult to injury. There were a million better ways to go about working that concept in.
It all didn't exactly stop with that scene, either. Those other forms of my issue with using things from previous rounds cropped up as aspects like Haystacks becoming a perspective character, and bits like
seemed to me to be geared towards having fun at Haystacks' author's expense. It was all kind of ridiculous.
Just to do it, I'll cover the rest of the story in brief. Mechanics-wise, Summer's author's entry was definitely the stronger of the two. It wasn't clean as could be, but I wasn't being taken out of the story on a paragraph-by-paragraph basis. The prose was somewhat more full-bodied. The characters and the situation were delightfully silly and enjoyable, though perhaps not as deeply explored as in Mango's author's entry. Its hook was a thing of beauty. Funnily enough, I'd even say that Summer's author does a better, more enticing job of portraying Mango's fro-yo. I have so few complaints, but those that I do have are huge for me personally.
In essence, I enjoyed Summer's author's entry a good deal, and had he or she been more considerate/self-aware, I might well have voted for it. This kind of problem reaches beyond the boundaries of the contest for me, though. You just don't do this, in this way.
Edit: 6227455
In that first story of Mango's that had the Hawaiian, I recall it being specified that he was falling back into the habit because he was back in Haywaii; he doesn't do it when he's been away a while.
Firefly's Author
Sorry, Falcata's Author, but Firefly's Author's entry was much more engaging. Also, I see you failed to get an editor, as I do not believe that it was Muriel who married Cranky Doodle.
Frankly, for being the one who got so many votes before I accidentally DQ'd myself, I'm disappointed in your showing this round.
6228717 No no, between the notes, in the flowery narrative descriptions.
There is not a single subject in that entire paragraph, or even a real verb.
6228629 Lol. But, uh... shouldn't you not be voting with a sockpuppet? That's kind of like a second vote...
6229159 I actually thought that "exactly like somepony i know" joke was more a jab at you and your criticism of Haystacks last round than making fun of Haystacks's author. I don't know, that was my impression. Of course, I'm ridiculously hard to offend when I'm in a good mood, and I was laughing throughout the whole entry.
6229192
That, too, I would say falls firmly into the category of artistic license. The grand pursuit of doing a thing—here, likely paring down sentences to just evoke some images. I wasn't bothered in the least.