I'm a fan of the show My Little Pony and Japanese Anime. My favorite anime shows are Oran High School Host Club, Black Butler, AKB0048, and Cross Ange, and my Favorite MLP FiM character is Spike.
Rocky Butterbean is a young fox like creature living among the ponies of Equestria, struggling to find his purpose in the world being the only non-pony in Ponyville. However, his quest for his true identity comes to a halt when he discovers he's not the only Fox creature living in Equestria.
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Definitely better.
Moar!
Nao!
I got into paragraph two and I stopped but let's just fix this, ok?
On average, from what I've read, your sentences are about 5 words long. It just like saying:
The sky is blue. It is hot. Fluttershy is laying on grass.
When you could say:
Fluttershy laid lazily on the grass under the crisp clear sky. The pegusi had cleared away all the clouds from the previous storm letting the warmth of the summer sun shine down on all of Ponyville.
All that detail makes you feel as though you are in the story. You can feel the 'warmth' of the sun and 'see' the clearness of the blue sky.
So starting with the first sentences,
On a breezy autumn night, Fluttershy sat in her cottage. Donning a warm fuzzy robe and slippers, she sat contently watching the flames of the fire. Angel, her small white bunny, snuggled up against her side relishing in the warmth of his pony companion as well as the fire.
I personally think that it sounds a lot better.
I'm not gonna give a brief rewrite of this since I covered the issue in the last chapter but, WHY IS IT A GIANT TALKING PARAGRAPH!?
*cough* I lost my professionalism here, I apologize.
It just really irks me when I see these. It's like a brick of speech and I can't follow it.
...Okay I know I said I wouldn't go give a brief rewrite, I lied.
Alright. I'm going to stop there. Why? If I keep going I'll start to get frustrated and then I'll start cursing and I don't want to do that. It only makes me look like a complete unprofessional jerk, plus it may hurt feelings and I'm in the business of helping not hurting.
Oh! On another note, 'said' an overused word with no meaning. Use a replacement word or just give the action that the characters doing.
Now I'm done. Good Luck with this!
6249753
6250735
(Wait, that is what is what ya' told me to callya right? 
)
Got it. Thanks for your help Pinki- Ooops, I mean...Plushie
6250768
Mhm. You're welcome.
6250761 Word of advice though.
You should have deleted it and reposted it as a new story.
Also, I'm not sure if the anthro tag is because anthro ponies or for the kitsune, but if it is for the latter, you don't need it.
6250878
Okay...I only have it on anthro because the Kitsune race are an anthropomorphic race.
6250986 Yes, but that's how they are to begin with, and as such aren't actually qualified as anthro's.
The best way to describe them is either vulpinoid humans for ears and tail, no fur, or humanoid vulpines for the whole lot.
The difference between the second and an actual anthro-fox is that kitsunes, no matter the type have feet and their legs are human-like, while the anthro's have paws and digitigrade legs.
6251035
Actually, they DO have fur...And fangs.
6251035
and tails.
6251596 I already said tails, but the fur is optional.
Key point:
Kitsunes - feet
Anthro's - paws
6251634
Good point.
6250735
Any suggestions for chapter 2? I'm open to fan service.
Description implies that this is a sequel.
No link to previous story is provided, nor is it one of the author's previous fics.
...I'm confused.
How many tails does he have and are the ponies anthro?
6251768
Guuh, I'll have to read it. Cause I haven't... Yeah.
I'll let you know.
6254043
Technically its a REBOOT. In other words, my second attempt at rewriting this story. Sorry for the confusion.
Is it any good though? Dose it sound like it needs something?
6254403
One tail, and no, the ponies are ponies. Rocky, the protagonist, HE is the anthro, in the sense that he has fur, a fox's tail, fox ears, and fangs. And although he has fingers, his feet are paws.
6255500
As long as we get a decent number of chapters showing his childhood in Ponyville, I'll be happy.
...wait a tick... By the time Rocky is old enough to even think about seeking out those of his own kind, the CMC would be in their late teens at least! Meaning we get to watch the CMC grow up as well! *Fanboy squee*
...ahem.
I think I now have reason to fast track this story in my Read Later pile. There are a few fics ahead of it though, but I should get back to it shortly.
6255696
True. He will make friends with them later on.
6255696
Even though they're not in the character's list.
...I don't think Discord would be silly about something like that.
...
Unless he was just trying to keep Flutters calm before giving the full story to Twilight or Celestia.
6260201
Aww, I was just trying to keep him in character based on the episodes I've seen him in.
Really?
The story's really starting to come together. Keep up the good work
6260812 If that's the case, you overdone it a little.
You might want to fix that
6266683
6266683
Fixed.
6266683
If you find any other errors, let me know. Also, chapter five is out, let me know if they're any there.
6271451 No, ch 5 is mostly fine.
6287666
If your confused by something, let me know.
6287666
Seriously. If you don't get it, tell me.
I'll translate what you don't get.
'Cause I know my writing style is hard to understand
Told you I'd read it.
All I have to say is: Dialogue Bricks.
Its so bricky it hurts.
Go to my previous comment to fix that.
On another note, so this Foxy bebeh looks like Fluttershy?? FML, FTW.
6305764
Not really. He's orange, has brownish hair, green eyes, and small fanged teeth. And thanks for the help. Dialogue bricks, I'll work on that. Let me know if you find anything else that can use improvement.
6305764
Quick question on the Dialogue Bricks. Did I have TOO MANY, or TOO LITTLE?
6307472
One brick is too many. Most of the talking is in brick form.
Example from last chapter:
Look at that brick. It's just hard to follow and that's what you do, all the time.
Each time a character talks, double space afterwards, that way you avoid speech bricks,
6308025
Like this:
or this:
6308351
Number 2 and remove the indent. This is speech not a paragraph.
6308373
OF COURSE! I INDENT PARAGRAPHS.
...
Thanks for your help.
6308441
Happy to help. If you require any other assistance let me know.
Alright, 17 likes. That's means its getting there.
Covered in cold slow, the baby creature began to cry ??
“I don’t xxx it biting me or anything.” [ missing word]
6355680
Thanks for pointing that out.
Hey, if you have free time, you should be my proof editor.
6355680
Fixed
OMG 19! LIKES!! I DID IT, I SURPASSED ALL THE HATES! THANK YOU ALL SOO MUCH! I'M SO HAPPY I COULD EXPLODE!!!!!
*GASP~ Yay!
As a thank you for this, I would like all of you to enjoy these MLP comics I found on Deviantart. I will now share them with you. The fans.
Click here. And here. And here. Enjoy
I'm no editor you need someone who knows what they're doing. try the FAQ section to find prereaders and editors that have some idea what to do. Thanks for the complement .
Topal Bay or Anvil?