Dark Encounter
It was the first day of the new school year at Canterlot High school. Students from all over Canterlot County grumbled as the school day rudely interrupted their summer break. The first day of any school year was just as slow as the year before. Getting new class schedules and lists of different supplies for each class. Rainbow Dash was sitting the the back row fast asleep. While her history teacher droned on about all of the projects they were doing that semester. The loud chiming of the school bell woke her from her slumber.
A rush of excitement washed over her knowing that the school day was now over. Not wasting anytime she rushed out onto the soccer field. The bright sun felt so good on her skin. A cool breeze ruffled her rainbow colored hair as a small reminder that Fall was on it’s way. Pulling her new ball out of her bag Rainbow dropped the ball on the green field. After lining up the ball with the goal. She took in a deep breath before launching the ball into the netted goal. A cocky grin graced Rainbow Dash’s lips as she relished in a flawless corner shot.
Spending most of her summer sleeping, playing video games and eating junk food Rainbow noticed that she was a little out of shape. Noticing the difference in her usual in endurance was alarming. Rainbow ran a dozen laps around the large field before she went back to practice her corner shots. Wiping the sweat from her brow, after she made a killer shot. Her mood soured slightly, knowing that now she needed to go fetch the ball from across the field. All the rigorous exercise was starting to take it’s toll on her. The constant sting of her leg muscles were protesting as she made her way to the goal.
With her ball retrieved Rainbow jogged back a few yards to lineup her next shot. In one swift motion Rainbow unleashed all of her power into the ball. As soon as she made contact with the ball. Rainbow knew that her left foot had moved just a few degrees in mid kick. The slight angle caused the ball to miss the goal by a few feet.
Swearing under her breath as Rainbow watched the ball bounce out of sight. Squinting her eyes she held her hand to her forehead to block out the sun‘s glare. In the distance Rainbow caught a glimpse of her ball. She watched it as the ball bounced towards the gymnasium. She sighed in irritation, seeing her ball roll right through the open door to the gym.
“Sometimes, it’s hard being this awesome.” grumbled Rainbow.
Without much thought Rainbow followed after her soccer ball into the dark gym. After a few steps into the gym the door slammed closed behind her. Rainbow rolled her eyes in annoyance as she stumbled through the pitch black gym.
“Where is that stupid ball? I can’t see a dang thing in here!”
As Rainbow lifted her right foot to take another blind step forward. Unknowing to her she stepped right onto her missing ball. Putting her full weight on the ball, the unforgiving sphere flung Rainbow tumbling to the floor. Without any warning she found herself sprawled out on her back on the hardwood floor. The immediate impact left her completely stunned. Not a second later Rainbow lost conscious as she laid on the cold gym floor.
Down in the main hallway Pinkie Pie was in the process of hanging up new posters for the latest school event. As Pinkie made her way to the gymnasium she spotted Rarity. Standing in front of her locker, Rarity was in the middle of putting on a fresh layer of lipstick. Rarity spotted Pinkie in the reflection of the mirror she was using. Once Rarity finished her primping she greeted Pinkie with a warm hug.
“Hello darling, what is it that you got there?”
Pinkie cheerfully answered Rarity with an over the top smile.
“Hiya Rarity! I’m just taking these posters to the gym! Do you want to help me hang them up? It’s going to be fun!”
Rarity pulled out her backpack from her locker before replying.
“I’m so sorry Pinkie, but I have a meeting with the drama club. I have been put in charge of the costumes for their latest play! I’m so excited! My efforts are finally being recognized! This is the first step towards my dreams of being a designer!” exclaimed Rarity.
Pinkie smiled widely. “That’s great! Since, you have that meeting I’m just going to hang these up real quick! Then maybe later we can hangout for a little bit!?”
Rarity nodded as she walked towards the drama club room.
“That sounds delightful, how about we met up later at our usual coffee shop?”
Pinkie shifted the box in her arms before she started to walk towards the gymnasium.
“Okey dokey lokey! I’ll see you later!”
While, Pinkie continued on her way to the gym she spotted a few students along the way. Being the friendly girl that she was Pinkie smiled and waved to everyone she saw. Upon arriving at the gym’s door. Pinkie had a hard time opening the door while her hands were full. Setting down her box of posters she opened the door. Once she made it inside the heavy door closed behind her. She was swallowed up in the darkness of the empty gym.
“Ack! It is so dark in here! It’s kind of creepy and scary!”
Setting down the box on the floor gym floor. Pinkie unknowingly walked towards the middle of the gym.
Stumbling in the dark, Pinkie hoped to find the nearest light switch. Slowly moving forward Pinkie stumbled through the unknown. Until her foot caught on something large, losing her balance. Pinkie began to fall, she expected to hit the hard wooden floor. Yet, she landed on something soft. Before she could even comprehended what just happened to her. Pinkie was alarmed when something warm and moist started to engulf her lips.
Rainbow Dash’s head was still foggy as she laid on the gym floor. Slowly coming to her senses she realized that something heavy was on top of her.
Not only that, but something was now kissing her. In a state of disbelief Rainbow didn’t move a muscle. She was in shock but not because of the kiss. Rainbow was more surprised by fact of how much she liked it. It felt like time stopped as the warmth of those soft lips took over her every thought.
Rainbow loved every second of it, she never felt so alive! In the heat of the moment Rainbow found herself responding back with a kiss of her own. A few seconds later the kissing stopped. The realization, that a person was still on top of her filled her with panic and embarrassment. In one swift motion Rainbow pushed the stranger off of her. Now that she was free. Rainbow jumped to her feet, pulling out a slip of paper from her jacket pocket. She dropped the paper on the floor; not wasting anytime she carefully sped walked to the nearest wall. While she groped around in the dark to find the nearest door for her escape. Once Rainbow Dash found a door, she turned towards the stranger.
“Text me sometime!”
Rainbow Dash didn’t hesitate as she bolted out the door to make her hasty exit.
Pinkie Pie sat on the floor she could hear the stranger’s footsteps walking away from her. A few seconds later they opened the gym door. As the door opened Pinkie was blinded by the light that beamed in from the sunlight outside. The blinding light making it impossible to see who she encountered as they fled from the gym. Now that Pinkie was left alone in the gym. The darkness returned, Pinkie was left disorientated as she dusted herself off.
Now that she was on her feet Pinkie fumbled around until she found the nearest light switch. The gym instantly lit up, Pinkie blinked a few times. While her eyes adjusted to the sudden light. She spotted a slip of paper lying on the floor near the middle of the gym. Pinkie shrugged her shoulders, she picked it up the small piece of paper. She saw a phone number scribbled on the small slip of paper. The number was written in blue ink. Pinkie rubbed her chin while deep in thought over the puzzling encounter.
* Huh, I don’t recognize this number? That’s odd since I know almost student’s number? Who ever they are they want me to text them. This is perfect, I will get to make a new friend! I‘m so excited! New friends are always a treat! Now that I think about I just had my first kiss, Rarity is going to flip out! *
Pinkie went over to the box filled with her posters, She pulled out the last of posters. While she hung them on the wall, her thoughts would drift back to her strange encounter.
Rainbow Dash’s heart was pounding in her chest as she tried to organize her thoughts about what just happened to her. She decided to leave school as quickly as possible. As Rainbow walked home she found herself walking towards the park near her house. Her eyes scanned the park for a place to sit. It didn’t take Rainbow long to find a bench, Rainbow slumped down onto the metal bench.
Cupping her hands around her face in the hope that it would clear her head. Rainbow was so focused on her thoughts that she didn’t even notice that Fluttershy had sat down beside her. Sheepishly Fluttershy put her hand on Rainbow’s shoulder. Rainbow was so startled that she flinched and let out a shriek in surprise. Fluttershy was equally shocked, she let out an even louder yelp than Rainbow Dash. Once Rainbow saw that it was just Fluttershy, she sighed in relief.
“ Sorry Fluttershy you startled me, I just have a lot on my mind right now.”
Rainbow blankly stared at the trees as they slowly danced with the small breeze. Fluttershy composed herself, she cautiously placed her hand on Rainbow’s shoulder to comfort her distraught friend.
“Don’t give it another thought Rainbow, I’m easily startled. So there is nothing to apologize for.”
Rainbow gave Fluttershy a weak smile, she then focused her attention towards the lazy clouds above their heads.
“Um, if you don’t mind me asking Rainbow. But is there, um something that is bothering you? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to…”
Rainbow didn’t look at Fluttershy while she spoke. Rainbow wasn’t sure if she could look Fluttershy in the eye without feeling embarrassed.
“I think I just received my first kiss today, I’m not sure how I should feel about it. It just happened so fast and under some really weird circumstances. I just don’t know what to do about it at the moment…”
“What? You got your first kiss?….That is a big deal, if you don’t mind me saying so.”
“It is kind of a big deal huh? The whole thing was just super weird, it felt so good though. I never experienced anything like it!”
“What was so weird about it, so to speak?”
“Well, first off it all started when I chased my soccer ball into the gym and the door shut behind me. I couldn’t see a thing, I slipped on my ball, hit my head. I was out cold for a little while then the next thing I know, someone fell on top of me and I guess our lips touched. Then in the heat of the moment I totally kissed them back….Ugh! I’m so embarrassed! Now that I think about it this is the worst day ever!”
When Rainbow finished her story she looked over at Fluttershy for a moment. The brief eye contact was to much for Rainbow. She hid her face from view in an attempt to hide her embarrassment. Fluttershy put her arm around Rainbow to comfort her while she was in such a delicate state.
“It’s okay Rainbow, look on the bright side. I find it very unlikely that this will happen to you again. Think about it, what happened today is now in the past. All you can do now is to dust yourself off and move on from this experience.”
A large goofy grin spread across Rainbow‘s face. In the heat of the moment she gave Fluttershy a brief hug. The action made Rainbow’s face blush for a few seconds.
“Thanks Fluttershy, I feel so much better! And you know what! I’m starting to feel like my old self again! Cause, you are right! I’m way to awesome to spend one more second mopping about a freak accident!”
“I’m so glad you are feeling better, I wonder what Rarity would say about this?”
Rainbow’s flushed face instantly turned pale, a cold pit started to form in her stomach. Rainbow grabbed Fluttershy by her shoulders as Rainbow put her forehead against Fluttershy’s.
“Don’t ever tell Rarity about this! Who knows what she might do! I can only imagine the horror!”
Rainbow’s mind was soon filled with possible scenarios of Rarity blabbing about the incident in the gym to anyone that would listen. Which was soon followed by a vision of all of the students at Canterlot High laughing and pointing at her. Making Rainbow a laughing stock along, with ruining her reputation of being the coolest, toughest girl in the school. All of her goals and achievements would be ruined in just minutes!
The worst vision flashed by last with Rarity, over reacting, giving her an over the top makeover, dressing her in ridiculous fashions. Rainbow knew that Rarity’s fashion choices are not the greatest when Rarity gets over excited. Not only that Rarity would be just an outright a spaz when it came to all things lovey dubby.
“Better yet! Promise me that you will never breath a word about this! EVER!”
Fluttershy was shaking like a leaf due to Rainbow’s sudden change in domineer.
“…..Okay…I promise…I will never talk about this….Ever…Ever…Again…”
Rainbow let go of Fluttershy’s shoulders, she then slumped back against the park bench.
“Thanks Fluttershy, I don’t know what I would do without you…So what were you doing in the park, before you found me?”
Fluttershy's eyes instantly lit up, she seemed to forget all about Rainbow's outburst.
“Oh! I was just feeding my bird friends, I come here to feed them every day after school!”
Rainbow smiled to herself, she turned towards Fluttershy. Rainbow’s face looked so peaceful for just a moment as she whispered to herself.
“That’s so like you Fluttershy…Always caring about others…”
Pinkie ordered her favorite caramel frappuccino, she sat at her usual table near the window that was closest to the entrance. Pinkie slowly sipped her drink with a puzzled look on her face. Pinkie was in deep thought thinking of who was in the gym with her. Pinkie racked her brain for clues.
Pinkie snapped out of her daze when she noticed Rarity was sitting across from her.
“Rarity! When did you get here?”
Rarity had a concerned look etched on her face, she had never seen Pinkie in such a trance before.
“I just arrived a few minutes ago, I noticed that you were staring off into space. Is everything airtight darling?”
Feeling rather melancholy Pinkie took a small sip from her drink.
“Yeah, I guess so, I just have a lot on my mind at the moment.”
“Like what? Did something happen today at school or did you run out of your posters?”
Pinkie wore a monotone expression as she lazily stirred her drink with her straw. She rested her head on her propped up elbow that was resting on the table.
“I didn’t run out of posters, I just kind of had my first kiss I guess...”
Out of all the explanations Pinkie could’ve said that was the last thing Rarity expected. Instantly Rarity regretted taking a sip from her drink. In a state of shock she started to choke on her coffee. A few small droplets flew from Rarity’s coughing fit. Some of the droplets landed right on Pinkie’s face. Rarity tried to compose herself as best as she could. She quickly grabbed a napkin from their table. Rarity began to wiped off the few coffee droplets that had landed on Pinkie’s face.
“Ah…I’m so sorry Pinkie!” *cough, cough!* “ You just caught me by surprise! *cough* “Is all.”
Pinkie smiled causing Rarity smiled back; Rarity gently grabbed Pinkie’s hands.
“You know that I’m always here for you Pinkie Pie, no matter what! You can tell me anything…Oh please! Please! I’m just dying to hear about your first kiss! Tell me, tell me, please!”
Dropping her smile Pinkie looked Rarity in the eye with a serious look in her eye.
“Alright, I’ll tell you but it is a long, strange, weird, bizarre, mysterious! Amazing-”
“Pinkie Pie dear, can I please hear your story.”
“Why yes you can!” squealed Pinkie.
In a matter of minutes Pinkie told Rarity everything that had happened to her in the gym and explained why she was in such a trance-like state when Rarity found her.
“You weren’t kidding about this being a strange and yet mysterious experience. So you have no clue who was in the gym with you?”
Pinkie sighed she continued to casually stir her caramel frappuccino. Rarity cautiously took a large sip from her own drink. Pinkie continued to rack her brain for more clues. Rarity remained quite to help Pinkie’s concentration. She would do anything to help solve Pinkie’s mystery. Finally, Pinkie broke the silence as she threw her hands in the air.
“Ahhh! I have no idea who it could be! It could be anyone!”
Disappointment began to cloud Pinkie’s mood; setting down her cup Rarity took on a serious demeanor.
“I know this might sound alarming but I think we should determine if this stranger was…Either male or possible female.” said Rarity in a near whisper.
Hearing this caused Pinkie go into deep thought. She hadn’t thought of the possibility that she had kissed a girl. Still Rarity had brought up a good point. Pinkie just assumed that it was a guy that she fell on. Due to the loose fitting jersey she felt on the stranger. Not only that but they really smelled sweaty like they had been working out. Even their voice was kind of raspy and in some ways a little deep.
Feeling frustrated Pinkie shouted. “I’m out of ideas! It’s not like they left me a phone number or something!…WAIT! They did leave me their phone number I totally forgot!”
“What! How could you forget about such an important clue! Well, what are you waiting for, you should send them a message!”
Pinkie pulled out the slip of paper from her pocket, she stared at it for a moment. Rarity’s eyes lit up when she saw the paper with the mystery phone number. Pinkie handed Rarity the small piece of paper. Rarity held up the small paper up to her face for a closer look. Rarity wrinkled her forehead in confusion.
“Huh? I don’t recognize this number, it’s not anyone that I know. Well are you going to send them a message Pinkie?”
Now Pinkie wasn’t so sure if she should send them a message so soon after the freak accident in the gym.
“I don’t know, I don’t want to scare them off by sending them a message so soon. I’m just going to plug in the number in my phone for now.”
“You make a good point, you don’t want to seem desperate or overbearing….Ugh, but the suspense is killing me!!!”
Pinkie laughed at Rarity’s excitement as she was plugging in the number in her phone. She decided to give a name for the mystery contact. For a brief moment Pinkie put her finger on her lips where the stranger had kissed her lips. Rarity noticed the small gesture, she arched an eyebrow in surprise. Still in deep thought about giving the mysterious number a name. In the end Pinkie punched in just three letters. She was satisfied with the name she gave. She leaned over and showed Rarity what she had come up with. Rarity leaned over with excitement when she looked over the number that was now saved into Pinkie’s phone.
“So I see that you named the contact already! But why did you name it Guy?”
Pinkie shrugged her shoulders “I don’t know, it’s the only thing I know about him.”
“Well, that makes sense…”
Rarity let out a gasp in surprise, Pinkie looked away from her phone as she focused her attention on Rarity.
“I just had a marvelous idea! You could send this elusive guy a message stating that you are sorry that you fell on him. It is the perfect icebreaker! This way he might open up a little and you could learn more about him!”
Pinkie rubbed her chin for a moment.
“That is a good idea Rarity! I don’t know why I didn’t think of it earlier! I’ll do it!”
Rarity held her breath as she saw Pinkie typing her apology to the stranger. Rarity was on the edge of her seat, it was one of the few times that she wished that time would just move a little faster. Moments later Pinkie looked up at Rarity.
“I sent it!” giggled Pinkie.
Rainbow watched Fluttershy feeding a small flock of birds as they sat on the bench together. Rainbow enjoyed the peaceful sight, she just started to relax. When she heard her phone chime a short ringtone. Rainbow pulled out her phone to look at the new message. She didn’t think much of it until she started reading her newest message. Her eyes were as large as dinner plates while her pupils shrank in fear.
Fluttershy was so focused on her bird friends that she didn’t even notice the look of horror on Rainbow Dash’s face. Feeling panicked Rainbow grabbed Fluttershy’s shoulders. The quick motion scared away all of Fluttershy’s birds. Fluttershy was starting to worry about Rainbow, she had never seen her like this.
“It’s them! The person that fell on me, they just texted me! I don’t know what to do! I’m so embarrassed, why did I leave them my number in the first place!”
“Um, what did they say to get you all worked up?”
Without a second thought Rainbow let go of Fluttershy and handed Fluttershy her phone. So Fluttershy could read the message; Fluttershy felt a little apprehensive about reading Rainbow’s private message.
She knew that this was an exception. Seeing Rainbow in this state, it made her want to comfort her. Fluttershy read the message she turned to Rainbow with a meek smile.
“They seem like a very nice person, they even said they were sorry for falling on top of you.”
“I know, I don’t know what to say to them I’m just so embarrassed that I could die! They probably think I’m a weird pervert that will kiss anything in sight!”
“I don’t know Rainbow, from what you told me they kissed you first. I bet that’s why they said they were sorry. You shouldn’t be ashamed about what you did you just reacted to the situation.”
“I guess you are right, jeez Fluttershy you are the cool one today! You know just what to say.”
“No problem Rainbow, you help me all the time. I’m just happy to help you out.”
“You know what! I’m going to text them back! I’m starting to find my nerve…again man I‘m just up and down today”
“It happens to everyone Rainbow, especially to someone like me.”
Rainbow nervously laughed at Fluttershy’s statement. Looking down at her phone as if on cue her hands were started to sweat.
Rainbow shook her head to clear her thoughts. She had a determined look on her face as she started to type a message. Fluttershy gently put her hand oh Rainbow’s shoulder for silent support. Rainbow finished typing the message, she looked at her phone and looked at Fluttershy with big eyes.
“I just can’t push send, can you do it Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy was taken aback by Rainbow’s comment, she started to shake her head nervously.
“Please Fluttershy, just hold out your finger and push send.”
“Well, um…I don’t know Rainbow, I don’t feel comfortable sending personal messages on your phone.”
“Please Fluttershy! I can’t do this on my own!”
Reluctantly Fluttershy meekly stretched out her pointer finger as Rainbow held out her phone towards her. Fluttershy stopped just inches from Rainbow’s phone. With one brave push forward Rainbow pushed her phone against Fluttershy’s outstretched finger sending the message. Instantly Rainbow regretted writing such an embarrassing message. In a moment of panic Rainbow chucked her phone in the grass hoping that it would somehow stop the message from being sent.
Pinkie and Rarity quietly waited for a reply from the stranger. Pinkie lazily stared at her phone that laid on the table. Rarity was tapping the table with the tips of her fingernails to distract herself from her own impatience. Suddenly Pinkie’s phone chimed with a chirp. Pinkie snatched the phone.
Not wasting another second she looked at her inbox to see if the stranger replied. Pinkie had a very serious look on her face, Rarity saw Pinkie starting to type a message. When she was done typing she set the phone back on the table. Rarity was dying to know what Pinkie had just typed, as she stared at Pinkie with intense eyes. Pinkie tilted her head in confusion.
“Why are you looking at me like that Rarity?”
Rarity puffed out her cheeks in frustration. “What did he say? You just got a message didn’t you?”
Pinkie laughed “Oh that! It was just a message from my sister Maud. She just asking where I was, I‘m going to eat dinner at her place later!”
Rarity smacked her hand to her face in annoyance, Pinkie’s phone chirped once more. Rarity parted her fingers so she could watch Pinkie. Pinkie looked up at Rarity with excited eyes.
“It’s him! He replied to my message!”
“Really?! I’m so glad that you got a response! What does it say?”
Pinkie read the message out loud “ He said, that he was sorry for kissing me like that and that he felt really bad about it.”
Rarity cupped her hands around her face “Aw this guy is very sensitive, he sounds absolutely adorable!”
Pinkie didn’t waste any time as she typed up a message, she then hit send.
Rainbow heard her phone chirp once again telling her that she had another message. Rainbow hugged her sides, she took a quick look at Fluttershy and saw that her face was full of concern for her. It was in that moment that Rainbow puffed out her chest she got off of the bench that her and Fluttershy had been sitting on.
* This is getting ridiculous! I am Rainbow Dash! I need to get a grip and stop freaking out! If not for me then I will do it for Fluttershy, she is really worried about me. Not only that, I need to be brave for me!*
Rainbow picked up her phone from the grass and quickly read the message to herself the message said.
“Don’t worry about that kiss, it was nice but I just want to learn a little more about you.”
*Fluttershy was right, they are really nice and they don’t think I’m a creep. I want to know more about them to.*
Rainbow exhaled as she typed her response.
“ I want to learn more about you too.”
Rainbow looked over at Fluttershy and gave her a confident smile. Fluttershy responded back with a warm smile of her own. Rainbow leaned over Fluttershy and gave her a tight hug. Fluttershy blushed with embarrassment. She had never known to Rainbow act this affectionate. As Rainbow held Fluttershy Rainbow whispered in her ear.
“Thank you Fluttershy, I don’t know what I would do without you.”
Rainbow pulled away from Fluttershy, Rainbow slowly walked towards her house but not before she turned around to say goodbye to Fluttershy.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Fluttershy! And make sure not to tell anyone about today!” said Rainbow with a serious look on her face.
Fluttershy waved goodbye to her friend. “Don’t worry, I won’t say a word.”
With that Rainbow walked towards her house, before she knew it Rainbow was in her room. Kicking off her shoes she dived onto her bed. Rainbow laid on her back as she held her phone as it was the most precious thing in the world to her.
I started writing this story back in May I was inspired by some pony comics I have seen on Deviantart. I always thought that Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie make a cute pair. I made all of the text messages pink and blue, I did that so it is easier to tell who is texting who. Also only direct text are color coded, it also adds a little flare in my opinion. This chapter has been completely retyped and it is just a little longer! After rereading this chapter I was laughing so hard when Rainbow Dash was to scared to push the send button on her phone. Especially when the exact same thing happened to me! I was hanging out with one of my cousins in their car, they totally typed a love confession on their phone. But they were to scared to push send they totally pushed their phone into my meek pointer finger. LOL! After it was sent, they freaked out and chucked their phone into the back seat of the car! I was in Fluttershy's shoes and man that was a really nerve racking, my finger could have crushed my cousin's heart! Luckily nothing bad happened to my Cuzzy the other person gently said thanks but no thanks! 
Retyped 8-28-16
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I always like a story about Pinkie and Rainbow Dash. They are a fun duo (whether they know it or not). Hope to see more soon.
6176726
I like them too! I have most of the story planned out but I just need to type it up.
6176882
I will keep it in one of my libraries so I know when you post another. It will be intersting to see where you take this sort of story.
6176900
It is a very interesting story , I did put a lot of thought into it. I worked on just this chapter for a few moths. I will try to move this story along as fast as I can!
6176918 I think the start is probably the most difficult thing in most of the storys, but i have to say this was really nice.
I mean under other circumstances Rainbows behavior could have been a bit odd, then again i really liked to see her shy side.
It was also a nice to see the way Rainbow Dash acted around Fluttershy, a special moment between two friends.
Not sure if i would say this is my favourite pariring if they would be Ponys, but i really like this one, i like how you has written them in this chapter.
6179432
I always thought that Rainbow Dash would be super shy when it comes to love. I know she is a little out of character here but as things progress she will get more confident.
6179976 i don´t mind it, i actually don´t like it to nearly have a foward, and brave Rainbow Dash in every fanfiction, i mean even she can be shy.
6180854
It is nice to have a different Rainbow Dash once in awhile.
I like this quite a bit but the only problem why would pinkie not have rd's number? Other than that good job
Ok we get it. This story is about Dash and Pinkie but you don't have to constantly use their full names. You can say Dash or Pinkie. Seriously its super annoying reading every single sentence with their full names. Why is the gym so dark anyway just so they can kiss?
You need some fixing. When it's better, I'll up-vote.
Alright, I'm a little confused, are they friends or not in this universe? I apologize if you stated that they didn't know each other yet and I simply missed it, if that is the case I'm sorry, bad on me.
But anyway, it is a promising start and I do like the idea of a Pinkie/Dash pairing because that kind of thing is cute, but there are a few issues I'd like to draw attention to.
1) commas. You have quite a few run on sentences, remember commas are a writers best friend.
2) Rainbow seems a little out of character. Now don't get me wrong, anyone would be taken aback by there first kiss, but she's swooning over in love after the incident? That really doesn't seem like Rainbow Dash, and it bothers me because it feels less like a character feeling a natural attraction, and more like the writer is pulling her strings, willing her to act this way because the plot demands it. It might have made more sense if Rainbow was just embarrassed and wanted to know who she'd accidentally kissed out of curiosity, instant infatuation like this is a little...offputting to be frank.
Also, I don't think she'd be annoyed at having to retrieve a soccer ball from the opposite end of a field, if she's as skilled as you seem to insinuate she is, she'd probably be happy to do a quick jog.
3) Some of your sentences tend to be longer then they should be. Take an honest look at each one, and see if there aren't any words you can't cut to make them a little shorter. It helps avoid reader fatigue and makes the narrative flow much more naturally to boot.
4) saying the characters full names constantly. Now I do remember you said in the comments you have a reason for this, but some people might not be willing to stick around to find out what that is. Saying the full names are making your long sentences even longer, and that may exhaust a reader to no end.
Still, as I said the basic concept is cute. And I do like the idea of Pinkie and Rainbow being together. Also Rarity and Fluttershy being good friends was nice to see. I'll be providing further critique as I continue to read chapter by chapter, I hope my critique wasn't to rough.
Oh my gosh! This book is awesome. RanbowDash reminds me of me when IM at school. This book is totally Awesome!!! LUV EVERY MOMENT OF IT!!!
You could use a proofread. Although I get it if you'd rather not bother proofing an old chapter.
8326525
I do go back and retype old chapters but at the moment I'm just trying keep the story going. But when this story is finshed I want to retype the whole thing. I would love to have a proof reader but I just don't have one.
I love the colors, so creative. Also, I love this story so far!
9663263
Thank you so much! That really means a lot to me! I'm so happy that you are enjoying it!