Doo-stractions
After a good night’s sleep and a little bit of time to adjust to the idea, I was slightly less freaked out over my pregnancy. Very slightly.
That’s not to say that the prospect of there being a baby growing in my belly was any less terrifying than it was before. Just that ... well, I guess it’s one of those things where once the initial shock wears off, it’s slightly easier to deal with. I had a couple months before I needed to make a final decision about having a kid. There was no reason to be working myself up into a panic and making a snap decision.
A letter from my family informed me that I wouldn’t need to head to Canterlot to visit them; they were already coming here. Between Storm snagging Shadow’s Armor and then getting hurt fighting Tirek, it was no surprise that everypony was coming down to see her. And as long Dad and everypony else were here, I could give them my big news, too. Between Dad, my aunt the psychologist, and my uncle the priest, I should have plenty of ponies eager to dispense sage wisdom and offer guidance.
But they wouldn’t be here until tomorrow. Not that I minded too much, since I needed to give Derpy the big news too. If anypony could understand exactly what I was going through, it would be her. I mean, Dad’s great, but he’s a stallion, and Aunt Wind had been in a happy and stable relationship with Uncle Typhoon for years before she had Storm. Being unmarried and pregnant was different.
Of course, if I wound up deciding to have the kid, Blossom and Eepy might wanna do something about that too. Which was just ... one massive, life-changing crisis was enough. I really didn’t need them stacking up on top of each other.
I waited until the kids would be home from school before I headed over to Derpy’s. Past experience told me that early mornings at the Doo household were a chaotic mess of trying to get both the kids ready and headed to school on time, and after that Derpy had her own job to deal with. I guess I could’ve tried to catch Derpy on her lunch break, but ... well, with everything I needed to talk to her about, her lunch break probably wouldn’t have given me time to do more than scratch the surface.
Plus, if I’m being completely honest, showing up in the evening meant Derpy would invite me to stay for dinner. Her cooking’s good enough to always make that a tempting prospect, and between Dinky and Sparkler, family meals at the Doo household are always fun.
All things considered, I was cautiously optimistic about the evening. I could have a good meal, relax, and Derpy would probably have a ton of good advice for me.
I trotted up to the sturdy, steel-cored front door and rapped my hoof on it. After a longer wait than normal Sparkler finally answered the door, grinning so widely that I had to wonder just what she was so happy about. “Momma! Hey! I guess news travels fast, huh?”
Before I could ask what she was talking about, she latched onto me with an impressively enthusiastic hug. Despite my confusion, I promptly returned it. “Hey, Sparks. What’s up?”
Sparkler broke the hug, then latched onto one of my legs and started dragging me inside. “You got here just in time—Dinks! Mom! Cloud's here!”
“I'm comin'!” Dinky called out from the living room. There was a slight pause, then she shouted again. “Sorta! Uh—I'll be right there!” I could hear some fillyish pique in her voice as she grumbled. “Leggo, Mommy! I gotta go see Cloud Kicker!”
I trotted around the corner and into the living room, getting a good look at the two other Doos. Derpy was on the couch with Dinky sitting in her lap and getting the full hug treatment, hooves and wings. Derpy’s eyes looked a little red, and judging by how Dinky was starting to wriggle and squirm, the normally hug-happy kid was getting a bit hugged out. Derpy’s only response to Dinky’s struggles was to tighten the hug, holding her even closer.
I blinked in surprise and warily approached them. “Derpy? Is everything okay?” Something was clearly bothering her. My mind instantly flashed to her family. Tirek had gone on quite the rampage before Eepy, Rainbow, Twilight, and the rest took him down. If something had happened to her brother or her parents...
Derpy wiped her eyes as best she could without letting go of her daughter. “I—I’m fine. No, not fine. So much better than fine...” She beamed up at me, even as a fresh wave of tears trickled down her cheeks. “Look at what happened to my little baby girl...”
Dinky finally wriggled her way free of her mother’s grasp, pouting and grumbling. “I’m notta baby any more, Mommy. See?” She turned to the side, and I finally realized why Derpy had been crying so hard.
Stamped on Dinky’s previously blank flank was a bright sun slowly rising over the horizon.
“Lookit, Cloud Kicker!” Dinky crowed, wiggling her rump to make sure I could see it. “I got my cutie mark! I got my cutie mark!”
I stared down at that rising sun, trying to wrap my head around the idea that she’d gotten her cutie mark. “Whoa. That's...” I grinned and scooped her off the floor, giving her the best hug I could manage. “Congratulations, Dinky!” Dinky returned the hug with typical bone-crushing enthusiasm. I shifted her hold on me slightly upwards to make sure it was safely away from my belly.
Once she’d pretty much hugged herself out, at least until she took a minute to recharge her hug-batteries (they run on muffins), I hoisted Dinky up into the air. “Ooof, you've gotten so heavy! That must mean you’re getting really big. And now you’ve got your cutie mark too. Soon you'll be all grown up, won't you?”
Derpy let out a choked little sound, and Sparkler quickly trotted over to hug her. Derpy held onto her older daughter for a bit, then smiled and wiped her eyes again. It didn’t do much good, since the tears were still flowing. “She's growing up so fast. It feels like it was just yesterday that I brought her home from the hospital, and now she’s got her cutie mark and everything...”
“I know, right?” Dinky chirped out enthusiastically, still hanging up in the air. I set her down, and she started turning around in place to get a better look at her new mark. “I'm not such a dinky little Dinky anymore, am I?” She tapped her chin thoughtfully, then gasped. “Wait, if I’m not a dinky little Dinky, am I gonna hafta change my name now?!”
“Nah.” I reached over and playfully ruffled her mane. “I don’t care if you grow up to be taller than Princess Celestia. You’ll always be our little Dinky.”
“Damn straight,” Sparkler chimed in, earning herself an off-center but nonetheless disapproving glower from her mother. Her ears went flat as she realized that she’d goofed up. “Sorry. Er ... darn straight? Dang straight?”
Derpy slowly crossed her forelegs over her chest and levelled the full force of her particular version of the disappointed mother look on Sparkler. The teen slowly slunk down into the couch, until she looked like she wanted nothing more than to find some way to squeeze down between cushions and hide. Satisfied that she’d made her point, Derpy finally relented.
While I might not have Derpy’s natural talent for all the dirty tricks that come with being a mom, I still felt obligated to do something. If only because I’d kind of become the unofficial second parent of the family. “Remember to watch your language around Dinky, Sparks. You’re supposed to be setting good example for your little sister.”
Dinky frowned skeptically at her sibling. “But she doesn’t gotta be an example, ‘cause I don’t wanna be like Sparky. She’s a big ol’ brat who likes to get cootie-faced with Miss Star and she smells funny and her mane looks weird and she’s dumb. She should wanna be more like me.” Dinky tapped her chin in fillyish ponderance, then her eyes lit up. “Looks like I gotta be the big sister now, huh? Then Sparky can be less brattydumb and more Dinky-ish.”
Sparkler snorted skeptically. “Sure, Dinks. Go ahead and try to be my big sis. Despite the fact that I’m twice as big as you are. Lemme know how well that goes for you.”
Dinky tapped her chin a couple more times, then a huge and very mischievous grin spread across her lips, and she gave me a quick goodbye nuzzle. “I'll be right back, 'kay?” She immediately charged at her big sister, hitting her with a flying tackle-hug that caught the older mare off guard and knocked her flat on the couch. “I'll teach ya t'say bad words! If I’m the big sis now, then I gotta punish ya when you’re bad!”
“Gah!” Sparkler tried to wrestle away her little sister, but only succeeded in letting Dinky force her off the couch. Even as they both tumbled to the floor, Sparkler had the presence of mind to make sure Dinky landed on top of her instead of the other way around. However, her big sisterly mercy and protectiveness only lasted long enough to ensure that they landed safely. After that, all bets were off. “Oh, c'mere you little—”
As the two siblings started a wrestling match that reminded me of the eternal sibling rivalry of my cousins, I quickly shifted over to the couch where Derpy had parked herself. For all the inevitable brutality of sibling warfare, both of them knew the number one rule of battle: don’t get Mom involved.
I settled in next to Derpy, enjoying my front-row seat for the sisterly wrestling match. “Five bits on Sparkler. Dinky’s cute and squirmy, but size usually wins in a grapple.”
Derpy shook her head. “Cloud, I can’t believe you’re trying to make me gamble on the outcome of my children fighting each other.” She gave that just a moment to sink in, then grinned and added, “And you made such a weak opening bet. If we’re gambling, let’s really gamble. Twenty bits on Dinky. She just got her cutie mark, and Sparkler wouldn’t want to ruin her special day by beating her.”
“Deal.” I figured Derpy’s sentimentality was getting to her. Past experience with my cousins said that no matter how proud Sparkler was of her little sis, she wouldn’t let Dinky change the household pecking order. There are some lines you don’t let a little sister cross, even on their special days.
Secure in the knowledge that I was about to become twenty bits richer, I moved back to a slightly more serious topic. “So ... Dinky got her cutie mark. That's pretty amazing, isn’t it?”
“I know.” Derpy sniffed and rubbed her eyes, which were already tearing up again. I had a sneaking suspicion she’d be doing a lot of that over the next couple days. “She's ... my little baby's growing up.” She grabbed me, pulling me in for a hug that nearly squeezed all the air out of my lungs. “She's ... oh, she's so big now. I still remember feeling her kick after you and Rainbow helped me settle in here.” She released me from her death grip so one hoof could wistfully run over her womb. “Look at her now...”
I looked at the little girl in question, just in time to see Sparkler pin her to the floor. Despite Dinky’s yelps of protest, her big sister not only kept her pinned down, but shifted so that she was carefully lying on top of Dinky, letting gravity do all the work for her. Dinky flailed and squirmed as hard as could, trying to find some way to get out from beneath her older sister and panting out, “I'll—get—you—you—you—uh ... you brat!”
I turned back to Derpy, grinning. “Well, looks like she's got some growing left to do before she can beat her big sis. Also, you owe me twenty bits.”
“It’s not over until the fat mare sings,” Derpy shot back.
Dinky grinned over at us. “Sparky’s gonna sing?”
Sparkler glared half-playfully down at her sister and vigorously noogied her. “Oh you little...”
“Quit it!” Dinky whined, vainly trying to swat Sparkler’s larger hooves away. “Your big fat hooves are gonna bald my mane!”
Sparkler gave her one last working-over, then shifted her attention to their mother, grinning devilishly. “Mom, there's some kind of lump on the floor here. Must be something stuck under the carpet or something. Lemme just get it for you...” She dropped a bit lower and started rolling back and forth over Dinky, though taking care to not actually crush her little sister. Or at least to only crush her a little.
“Ackpt!” Dinky yelped out. “Help! I'm flatted! Save me, Mommy!”
Derpy chuckled and reluctantly passed over my winnings. “Sparkler, no flattening your sister. Do you have any idea how hard it would be to get that stain out of the carpet?”
Sparkler relented, giving her little sister one final noogie before letting her back up. Dinky sprang up to her hooves with remarkable alacrity for a filly who’d been crushed flat. “Yeah! I just got my cutie mark, so ya gotta wait until I can use it a bit before ya roll over me again.” She threw a quick playful glare at the teen, then reversed course and trotted over to the couch, hopping in between myself and Derpy and pointedly hugged us both.
I grinned and returned the favor. “So, Dinky, how are you gonna get Sparky with your new cutie mark powers?” I tapped my chin thoughtfully. “Wake her up in the wee hours of the morning as soon as the sun rises? Pull the sun down out of the sky and smack her with it? Or are you just gonna stick with the basics and zap her with a giant laser?”
“But I couldn’t wake Sparky up early unless I got up early too,” Dinky pointed out. “And I think Miss Princess Celestia would get mad if I moved her sun. I dunno if I could laser her either, 'cuz that's what she can do. Besides, I wasn't doin' any lasery stuff when I got my mark.”
“Oh yeah?” I nudged her playfully. “Well what were you doing when you got it? I bet everypony’s going to want to hear your cutie mark story.”
Dinky’s face lit up. “Oh yeah! I asked Mommy and Sparky and Uncle Cirrus and Gramma and Grandpa and you and Rainbow and Miss Blossom and Miss Fluttershy and Miss Cheerilee and Miss Twilight and lotsa other ponies about when they got their cutie marks! Now I gotta tell ponies my story when they ask me!”
Her face screwed up in concentration, one eye drifting slightly off-center as she remembered all the details. “Well, Mommy was feelin' kinda sad about somethin', so I gave her a big hug, and then she was happy again. I started thinkin' about how much I love makin' Mommy happy again when she's sad—an' Sparky an' Uncle Cirrus too sometimes—an' then my butt started glowin', an' when it stopped...” She took a deep breath, then gleefully shouted, “I had my cutie mark!” Dinky squealed happily, bouncing up and down on the sofa until Derpy gently restrained her. “When Mommy saw that she got really happy, but also a little sad, so I hugged her again. Then she hugged me back, then Sparky came in an' she got hugged too, an' then there was a whole lot more hugging and Mommy was talking about making some special muffins to celebrate. Then you showed up, an' I hugged you too!”
I grinned and ruffled her mane. “So the bottom line is that you hugged a whole lot of ponies?”
Sparkler cut in, her voice perfectly deadpan. “I think it's a trend she might be starting. Maybe it's just me, but I have a hunch.”
I exaggeratedly rolled my eyes and halfheartedly swatted a wing in Sparkler’s general direction. “Smartflank.”
Sparkler grinned shamelessly. “Always and forever.” She trotted over and gave me a quick nuzzle.
Derpy wiped her eyes clear, then heaved out a melodramatic sigh. “To think, there are times I wonder why I’m the only one of my friends who has kids...”
I twitched at that remark, but quickly tried to hide my reaction. My own news could wait until after we’d put Dinky to bed. Honestly, she’d probably get so excited that I wouldn’t be able to get any useful advice out of Derpy with her around anyway. Plus ... well, Dinky was way too young to understand why I might not want to have a kid. I’d feel awful if she got worked up and excited over the idea of me having a baby, and then I yanked that away from her.
So I quickly buried my own problems and gave Derpy a quick answer before the silence got awkward. “You’ve survived motherhood so far.”
“That’s true.” She paused for a moment, then pointedly hugged me. “Though having the right ponies at my side helped a lot.”
I grinned and returned the hug. “It always does. I’m pretty sure if Twilight were here, she’d be saying something about how the magic of friendship is ponykind’s greatest strength in difficult times. Except with a lot more long, complicated words.”
Sparkler let out a loud snort. “And she’d probably have a checklist too. I bet...” She slowly trailed off, her eyes flicking between myself and Derpy, a faint frown crossing her lips. “Speaking of which, what brought you here, anyway? I mean, at first I figured you must’ve heard about Dinky getting her mark somehow, but there’s no way you could know. Not even Pinkie knows yet, or there’d be balloons and streamers everywhere. Plus Rainbow’d probably be the first pony she told...”
I’d already decided to keep the kids out of the loop, so I tried to brush the question. “What, do I need a reason to check up on my favorite family in Ponyville? Sheesh, Sparkler, I wasn’t expecting the Sphinxish Inquisition.”
I paused, my eyes cutting to every single door, window, and closet in the house. A minute passed. Nothing happened. I shrugged.
Dinky, meanwhile gasped in horror. “Didja just say the Spinach Inquisition? Do they make sure nopony gets to eat any dessert until they eat all their veggies?”
Derpy covered a snort of laughter with her hoof, then smiled warmly at me. “Speaking of which, yes, Cloud—you're welcome to stay for dinner. In fact, if you don't have any plans already, I'd love to have you.”
I didn’t see any reason not to run with the excuse Derpy had given me for my visit. I threw up my hooves in mock surrender. “Alright, fine, you caught me. Dinner sounds great.” I gave the house another quick scan, then made some more small-talk before Sparkler could try to dig any deeper. “So, it looks like everything made it through the giant monster attack in one piece.”
Just as I’d hoped, Sparkler couldn’t resist the opportunity to be a smartflank. “This is Mom's house. A monster attack is just a stress-test.”
I saw a shadow of fear flick across Dinky’s face, and I decided to follow up with another joke before it killed the mood. “Yeah, that figures. Any building that can remain standing after Derpy’s lived in it for years is probably as close to indestructible as you can get.”
Derpy rolled her eyes, which always looks weird when her eyes are off-kilter to begin with. “Oh please, I’m not that—”
Her indignant wing-flick sent a nearby lamp spinning on its base; as Derpy rushed to stabilize it, her tail brushed against the fireplace screen, which knocked over the poker seated comfortably next to it. Dinky and Sparkler took cover in movements born from practice as the poker tumbled and toppled against the bookshelf, which in turn loosed a few support pegs. Books tumbled down—first a few at a time, then en masse, thudding against the shelf below them until it too gave out. Then the next one, then the one below that, then the one below that, until the last shelf gave, sending a peg flying through the air with an audible fing.
The peg came to rest embedded in the wall, making a perfect headshot through a picture of Derpy. The picture frame shattered, sending glass shards sailing through the air and onto the floor (Shadow help me) right next to Derpy’s hoof. She yelped and swore as her hoof came down on the glass. As she did so, she flared her wings, knocking over both the lamp she’d tried to save and the fireplace screen, which blasted into the mercifully empty flue. After a few seconds, I saw soot rain down onto the lawn and into the neighbors’ yards.
Derpy, now lying flat on her back, glowered up at us from the midst of the devastation. “This. Proves. Nothing.”
I chuckled and helped her up. “Whatever you say, Derpy.”
Derpy used a wing to flick a few stray bits of soot off herself, then returned to the previous topic of conversation as if none of that had just happened. “In any case, it sounds like the only major loss was the library. Poor Twilight.” She looked around the room, then resignedly started on the cleanup, with the rest of us quickly pitching in.
“Yeah, losing her home had to be pretty rough,” I said as I retrieved a broom and dustpan. Twilight had seemed to be handling it reasonably well when I’d visited her ... was it really just yesterday? It felt like it had been so much longer than that. Maybe the loss just hadn’t sunk in yet, especially considering everything else that had happened. “At least she got a new palace out of the deal. Gotta take away some of the sting of losing your home when you get a new, bigger and better house.”
“Yeah, that's super-cool!” Dinky eagerly chirped as she got to work reorganizing all the fallen books. “Though the palace does look kinda weird compared to the old library. And it's still kinda sad to lose your old home.” She paused in thought, then her ears perked up. “I'll go say hi to her later and make sure she's a'kay. And I can bring her some muffins and give her a big hug if she needs cheering up, ‘cause that always works for me if I’m feeling sad.”
I grinned and gave Dinky a pat on the back. “Yeah, I'm sure she'll appreciate it.” If nothing else, the fact that Dinky’s new special talent seemed to be cheering ponies up made her very well qualified for the job. Not to mention everypony at the new palace would undoubtedly appreciate a fresh shipment of Derpy’s muffins.
Derpy nodded, clearly agreeing with my line of thought as she carefully cleaned up the broken glass. “We can go visit her tomorrow, alright, Muffin?”
“Okay!”
I grinned as a thought occurred to me. “Of course, Sparkler has extra incentive to stop by the palace. Star’s gonna be there.”
Sparkler’s ears perked up, and her attention shifted away from the broken lamp she’d been in the middle of repairing. “She is? Why?”
“Remember how Rainbow told us Storm got hurt?” When Sparkler nodded, I continued. “She’s not too badly banged up, but it’s enough to earn herself a family visit.” Of course, I actually only had Twilight’s word on what shape Storm was in. I felt kinda bad about that. After all, I’d gone to the palace to check on her. But I’d run into Twilight first, and after I’d gotten the news about my new condition...
I thought about mentioning Shadow’s Armor too, but held off on it. Though in all honesty, that was probably as big of a reason for the visit as Storm’s injuries. Somepony actually claiming and using the Armor had a ton of implications for the clan.
The room’s mood dipped at the mention that my cousin had stupidly gotten herself hurt trying to throw herself into the middle of a fight she shouldn’t have been involved in, so I tried to pick it back up. “But anyway, Dinky’s cutie mark! Let’s celebrate!”
Dinky’s eyes brightened back up. “Oh yeah! I can go give Miss Storm a get-better hug and some muffins tomorrow. Especially if I get extra muffins and cookies tonight, because it’s my special day today.” She grinned hopefully at her mother.
Derpy sighed, then ruffled Dinky’s mane. “I probably shouldn’t spoil you, but this is a pretty special day for you. Just don’t eat so much you get a tummyache.”
Dinky grinned. “Okay!”
To absolutely nopony’s surprise, Dinky didn’t listen to her mother’s advice. Once dinner was over and Derpy was fully occupied with tending to her daughter’s self-inflicted stomach pains, Sparkler pulled me aside and led me to the living room. “Got a second, Momma? There’s some stuff I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Sure thing.” I let her lead me aside, the wheels already turning in my head. What did she want to talk about? It had to be something she couldn’t bring up with her mother. Plus, it was something she picked me to ask about, rather than somepony else like Rainbow or Twilight. I could only reach one logical conclusion: “Is there something wrong with your sex life?”
Sparkler nearly tripped over her own hooves. “What?! You ... what?!” She shook her head hard enough that she had to be giving herself a nasty headache. “No. Nothing like that. Star and I are doing just fine. Better than fine. We’re great.”
I let out a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank Shadow!” Sparkler cocked her head to the side, so I gave her a quick explanation. “I know I’m infamous for being a massive perv—for good reason—but even I don’t want to get into the messy details of my cousin’s sex life. That’s just ... ugh. Information I am much happier not knowing.” I tapped my chin and thought it over. “Well I can’t imagine you’re cheating on her, so ... is it a solo exploration thing?”
Sparkler’s cheeks practically caught fire. “No!”
“Hey.” I gently gripped her shoulder and gave her my best mature, understanding smile. “It’s perfectly normal for a young mare your age to be doing that kind of thing. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Especially when you’re in a long-distance relationship. I mean, sometimes you’re in the mood, and Star’s on the other side of Equestria. You’ve gotta do something to let off a little steam.” I gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “So what did you have questions about? I can run you through the basics if that wouldn’t be too awkward, and recommend a good book or two if you need something more than that.”
“No! That’s not what I ... No!” Sparkler groaned and buried her face in her hooves. “No.” She moaned from between her hooves. “No. No. No, no. No. There is not enough ‘no’ in all of Equestria for the amount of ‘no’ I need right now. I wish I knew how to use the Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice, just so I could give you a bigger ‘no’. And while I’m asking Princess Luna to teach me that, I should also get her to carve the word ‘no’ into the moon, because that’s how much ‘no’ I need right now.”
I frowned at her, not even trying to hide my skepticism. “So you’re saying you don’t clop?”
I didn’t think it was possible, but her blush somehow got even worse. “I ... um ... that’s not the point! The point is, I didn’t want talk to you about anything like that!”
“Oh.” My ears drooped down a bit. “Sorry, if you’re not comfortable discussing those kinds of issues with me, then...”
“AUGH!” Sparkler slammed her face into one of the sofa cushions and screamed a couple more times, until she got it all out of her system. Then she took several deep breaths until she was looking and sounding reasonably calm, or at least as calm as she could look with stray locks sticking out and eyes focused in opposite directions. “Momma, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about. It does not involve sex or sexuality in any way, shape, or form.”
“Oh.” I ran a hoof through my mane, feeling a little silly now. “Well why didn’t you just say so? That could’ve saved us a whole lot of trouble.”
Sparkler groaned again and flopped down onto the couch. “Don’t. Just ... don’t. I’m already going to need a gallon of brain bleach to deal with all the awkwardness of this conversation. Can we just pretend the last five minutes never happened and start things back over from the beginning? Please?”
“Right, fine.” I was tempted to get a little more teasing in, but I had a feeling that whatever she wanted to talk about was probably pretty important. So I’d hold off on tormenting her any more until the serious talk was over. Well, unless she gave me an opening I just couldn’t ignore...
Sparkler took another deep breath, then slowly nodded to herself. “Right, okay then. So here’s the thing: since Star knew I was thinking about going to West Hoof or going through the reserve officer program at the School for Gifted Unicorns, she brought me some info on what’s involved in all of this.” She pulled a sheaf of paperwork out of her saddlebag. “So, I guess I just have some questions about stuff. Like, I think there's a mistake on some of this exercise info. They slipped in an extra zero somewhere or left out a decimal point or something, right?”
I gave all the papers a cursory scan. “No, that's what it should say.”
Sparkler’s shoulders slumped, and her ears slowly went flat against her skull. “They seriously expect me to be able to run that far? Carrying that much weight? And then do all that other stuff after I’m done running?” She read over the info again, and her ears perked just a tiny little bit as a note of desperate hope entered her voice. “Wait ... that weight I’d be hauling is just the armor, right? I guess if that’s all it is, it wouldn’t be that bad.”
I couldn’t stop myself from smiling just a little bit cruelly. Ah, the naivete of fresh recruits. “Nope, that’s fifty pounds of kit on top of your weapons and armor. You’d be surprised how much a bedroll, three days of food, sharpening kits, survival tools, and all the other random gear a soldier needs ends up weighing. Look on the bright side, though: at least they’re starting you out with light gear.”
“Light gear?” She stared up at me with dawning horror. “You mean it gets heavier?”
“Yup.” I couldn’t help taking just a little bit of pleasure in her misery. “Also, the runs get longer, and they give you less time to make it to the finish line. Not to mention they keep piling on more exercises before and after the runs. Oh, and they expect you to also absorb a full college education on top of all the PT.”
Sparkler groaned and ran a hoof down her face, grumbling loudly. “Stupid crazy exercise regime that my stupid sexy marefriend warned me about...”
I grinned and gave her an encouraging slap on the back. “Don't worry about it, kid. You'll adapt to it after a couple weeks of utter exhaustion and agony. Of course, as soon as you start adapting is when they ramp it up to the next level. Can’t have you getting complacent, after all.”
Sparkler rolled her eyes. “The Guard should try to pull you back in, because you could be a recruiter with that pitch.” She pitched her voice like a radio adpony. “West Hoof Academy! Where what doesn't kill you prepares you for what does!”
I let out a loud, most undignified snort of laughter. “Hey, don’t complain about it too much. Back in Old Pegasopolis, the prevailing theory was that the best way to prepare troops for combat was to make the training so painful, draining, and all-around horrid that they'd look forward to going into battle.”
“Don't say that too loud in front of Mom.” Sparkler’s ears went flat, and she shot a nervous look back towards the dining room. “She’s ... well she hasn’t said anything, but I think she’s not too happy about me thinking of going into the Guard. After Uncle Cirrus got hurt...” She trailed off, her eyes dropping to the floor.
I flinched. Derpy’s brother was in the Guard too. When the changelings hit Canterlot he’d gotten badly injured. The doctors managed to fix the worst of it, but they hadn’t been able to save one of his wings. I don’t think there’s a single pegasus in Equestria that isn’t a bit freaked out by the idea of losing our ability to fly. A pegasus, by definition, has wings and is able to fly. Take those away, and ... yeah. Sure, there were prosthetics, but none of them were as good as an actual wing.
I quickly changed the subject before things could get even more awkward and uncomfortable. “Right. Maybe I can talk to her about that. Anyway, the exercise stuff. It helps if you get started on training right away so that you’ll be in shape by the time you join up.”
Sparkler nodded slowly. “Yeah, that’s what Star suggested too. She’s actually been riding me pretty hard lately.” She paused a moment, then groaned and smacked her head against the couch cushions again. “Wow, phrasing. Sorry.”
I snorted, then grinned and teasingly poked her. “I’d make fun of you, but honestly you made that one so easy that I don’t think I could add anything to it.”
Before I could prove myself wrong and come up with some good snark, Dinky’s voice chirped from the doorway. “Star’s ridin' ya? But isn’t she kinda big for you to be giving her ponyback rides? I mean, she’s bigger than you!”
Sparkler jumped in surprise and let out a startled shriek at the interruption. “Dinky! Where did you come from?!”
“Mommy said I’m not old enough to know yet,” the filly answered with a smirk. “But maybe that’s different now that I have my cutie mark. I think it has somethin’ to do with mommies and daddies giving each other a special kinda hug or somethin’.” Before Sparkler could come up with an answer to that, Dinky got back to the original subject. “So why’s Star riding you? Is that like when you two were wrestling on the bed?” She crossed her forelegs over her chest, pouting. “If Mommy was home I woulda told on ya. She always says I'm not allowed to horse around on the bed with my friends.”
As amusing as it would’ve been to watch Sparkler try to squirm her way out of this, I decided to lend a hoof. After all, if Dinky’s innocence was destroyed, Derpy might decide it was my fault. Which could end very badly for me. “I'm sure Star was just helping her with her military training, right?”
“Yes!” Sparkler gratefully seized the conversational lifeline I’d tossed her. “That's totally what I meant! She was just riding on my back to help me get used to carrying extra weight while I jogged, and we were wrestling on the bed because she was teaching me throws and we didn’t have a proper training mat.”
Dinky’s face screwed up in thought as she considered Sparkler’s story, and I decided to try for a quick distraction. “So is your tummy feeling better now, Dinky?”
“Yeah-huh!” She tapped her chin, a smile slowly forming. “That means I can have some more cookies and muffins now, right?”
I probably should’ve done the responsible adult thing and told her no, especially after she’d already eaten enough to make herself sick. However, I also wanted to get her distracted and out of the room as quickly as possible. I hate dilemmas. Instead of staking out a position, I played for time. “What did your mother say?”
“Mommy said I couldn’t have any more,” she confessed. “But then she had to go potty, and I thought that maybe...”
“Maybe I’d let you get some extra sweets behind her back?” I concluded with a knowing grin.
Dinky latched onto me with a limpet-like hug, grinning up at me hopefully. “Hey, Cloud Kicker? I love ya. So. Darn. Much!”
I chuckled and slowly pried her off. “You know the one downside of growing up, Dinky? You can’t get away with abusing your cute little kid powers anymore.” She started pouting, and I decided to give her a little bit of a hope and an incentive to behave, as well as leave me alone with Sparkler. “Tell you what, though: if you go to your room, get all your homework done, and you’re good and quiet for the rest of the evening, I might sneak something up to you.”
“Okay! Bye Sparky, bye Cloud!” She practically galloped out of the living room.
Once we were sure the kid was gone, Sparkler turned to me with a grateful smile. “Nice save, Momma. Though I wasn’t completely lying back there. Star has been running me through some basic self-defense stuff in between everything else. And...” Her cheeks lit up as she grinned and admitted, “Well, you do always say that sex is a good form of exercise.”
“It’s always been my favorite one.” If everypony knows what they’re doing, a good banging session ends with all participants gasping for breath like they’d just run a marathon. So, logically, you were getting as much exercise out of a sex as you would from running a marathon. Or at least, that was how I preferred to look at it.
However, focusing on her sex life would reduce Sparkler to a blushing, stuttering mess, and probably tell me more than I wanted to know about my cousin, so I got back to the original topic. “So you're sure you wanna join the Guard right now?”
Sparkler shrugged. “I still haven’t really decided, but I’m kinda leaning that way. I mean, the best thing Celestia’s School has going for it is that it keeps my options open. But if I’m pretty sure I wanna go military, I don’t really need to keep my options open, do I? And after the whole thing with Tirek ... yeah. I’m sick of being stuck hiding in a shelter while other ponies are putting it all on the line to protect me.”
“Huh.” I couldn’t argue with her logic when I’d felt the exact same way. “You know going Guard is gonna be a pretty big deal, right? Gonna change your whole life. Plus, once you sign up for it, it’s hard to back out without causing yourself a lot of trouble.”
She answered with a shaky grin. “Speaking from personal experience on that one, Momma?” She took a deep breath, then slowly nodded. “But yeah, I know. Star warned me what to expect more than once. Uncle Cirrus too, even if he’s just enlisted instead of an officer.” She waved down at the paperwork. “Not to mention all the requirements it takes just to get your hoof in the door. Gotta have good grades and test scores, take care of all the physical fitness stuff, plus somepony in the Guard or government’s gotta vouch for me.” She shrugged. “I’m not too worried about the last one, at least. Pretty sure Rainbow can get Princess Twilight to sort that out, or I could just ask your dad or something.”
“Helps when you know the right ponies,” I agreed. “But don’t forget about the rest of the rules. They do expect you conduct yourself like a proper officer and gentlemare.”
Sparkler smirked and nudged me. “How did you ever make it through four years there?”
I rolled my eyes and nudged right back. “Because I knew when I had to be a good little cadet and when I could get away with being a bit more relaxed. They’re fine with the cadets getting a little wild in their off-hours, as long as you show up to class on time, not hungover, and with your uniform in perfect order.” I shrugged, then admitted. “Though I did wind up peeling potatoes and saluting squirrels a couple times. They only get serious if you cheat, do something illegal, or you make the institution look bad in public.” I paused in thought, then advised, “And whatever you do, don’t flunk a uniform or bunk inspection. Ever. The Sergeant-Instructors will break out the nastiest forms of polite sarcasm known to ponykind as they run you through the exact military procedure to get it right. Then make you do every single step. Five times.”
“Yeah, Star warned me about that.” She hesitated, chewing her lower lip. “It’s one of the things that has me not quite sure about West Hoof. I mean, Mom’s never been a stickler for that kind of thing: as long as I’m not a total slob, she’s happy. Going from that to ponies who break out rulers to make sure I got every bit of my uniform perfectly lined up...”
“It takes a while to get used to,” I conceded. “Star and I probably had an easier time of it. Dad pretty much expected me to keep my bunk up to military standards for my whole life, after all. But it’s part of the military discipline package.”
She nodded resignedly. “Yeah, I know. The officers can’t order ponies to do anything they wouldn't do, so they've gotta be at least as on top of all the appearance stuff as the grunts, right? I can’t bug a private for being out of uniform if I am, too.”
“Yup.” I smirked and poked her in the shoulder. “But you have to look on the bright side. If you pull it off and become an officer, your uncle would have to salute you and call you ma'am.”
Sparkler smirked right back, looking decidedly mischievous. “Okay, that’s the best argument I’ve heard yet for picking West Hoof over Celestia’s School.”
I chuckled and playfully bopped her on the nose. “Dinky's right, you really are a brat.”
Her smirk grew so wide it barely fit on her face. “Hi, I'm Sparkler—nice to meet you. There're a few things you should know about me before we go much further...”
A snort of laughter escaped from me. “Yeah, yeah, we all know you’re a massive smartflank. Just be careful. You might technically outrank your uncle, but in the real Guard, any butterbar who tries to throw their rank around with a Sergeant First Class is gonna be in for a rough time.”
Sparkler nodded knowingly, then puffed out her chest and shifted to a massively exaggerated mockery of her uncle’s voice. “Well then, I say—training to be an officer? I'll get right on your tea marm, as you'll need it after your run. Yes, marm, your 25-mile run. And if your monocle slips from its roost even once, I'll swipe your swagger stick and stuff it in the specialized secondary swagger stick storage spot, wot wot!”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, like that, but less ridiculous. Though it’ll probably depend on where you end up. Ceremonial units like the Solar Guard are easier on new officers, while the Long Patrol has a rep for eating newbies alive if they can’t handle themselves. Still amazes me that miss prim-and-proper Storm did so well there.”
Her ears drooped slightly. “Yeah, still not quite sure which way I wanna go with it. I mean, I know I don’t wanna be in one of those units that just stands around the palace looking pretty all day, but besides that...” She trailed off and shrugged. “Lotta options. The Long Patrol would let me really get out in the field and help ponies, and with the Everfree next door I can really get why monsters are a big deal. Then there’s the Magus Corps if I really wanna focus on my magic—I know Princess Twilight thinks I’m good enough to qualify. Or I could go with the Lunar Guard so I could work with Star. Or if Storm has any openings for Twilight’s new bodyguards ... well, it’d be nice if I could be stationed in Ponyville, y’know?”
“Yeah, I think I know how you feel.” To be honest, if I’d known Twilight was fixing to pop wings and become a princess, I might’ve considered sticking with the Guard instead of resigning. Getting to stick with my life in Ponyville and exchanging my real job for spending all day guarding Twilight’s body sounded pretty good to me. Especially since alicorndom had added an entirely new layer of sexy to her pre-existing good looks.
I quickly yanked my mind away from that sexy little tangent. “Well, all those are good directions for your career. Just make sure you’re ready to deal with all the military protocol. Being a smartflank with me and your mom is fine. Do it with your CO, and...”
“I figured.” She smirked and poked my side. “Why do you think I’m trying to get all of the snark out of my system while I can?”
Being quite the smartflank myself, I couldn’t resist an opening like that “You want all the snark out of your system? Right, I better start getting five-gallon buckets together to hold everything we're going to be draining out of you. Think a dozen will do, or do we need more?”
Sparkler rolled with it. “It'll do for today, but more will come.” She leaned back against the sofa, tapping her chin as though in deep thought. “Though the real question is whether I should donate it all to science, or save it and start up a business later once I retire from the Guard. I can see it now: Sparkler Doo, chairmare of Snark Industries.”
I nodded sagely. “It’s always good to have a plan for civilian life.”
“Yeah, true.” She paused, her shoulders slumping slightly. “And that's ... well, s'kinda it. I'm still sorting out schools, never mind what I wanna do after I'm done with it all.”
“Hey.” I gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “Don't try to plan too far ahead, or next thing you know you’ll be making an eighteen page checklist of everything you need to make the two hundred page checklist for your entire life plan from right now up to your funeral arrangements.”
Sparkler snorted loudly. “Relax, I’m not gonna go full Twilight on you.” She sighed, then ran a hoof through her mane. “It’s just ... well I wanna have at least a vague idea of where I’m going, y'know? Just line up a few things I want sorted out in the next five years: Star, a degree, and a commission, in that order. Once I get that far, I'll take another look at it all.” She shrugged. “It’s all a matter of knowing what I want, then figuring out how to get it.” She leaned over and nuzzled me. “M'sure I can fit you somewhere in that list.”
I smirked. “Wait a minute, are you saying you want me? I dunno. I mean, I’m flattered and all, but it'd probably make Star jealous.”
The teen pulled back from me with several exaggerated twitches, then groaned as loudly as she could, burying her face in her hooves. “Thanks for ruining that tender mother-daughter moment.”
I grinned and booped her on the muzzle. “You ruined it. I just pointed it out.”
“Suuure...” She groaned, rolling her eyes. “Just like how you only pointed out that 'muffin' can have several meanings?”
I shrugged. “What can I say? I have a dirty, dirty mind.”
“Yeah, kinda hard not to notice that. S’funny, whenever you’re not using it to traumatize me.” She grinned and rubbed the side of her head. “S’probably a good thing my maybe-future mother-in-law is a head doc, ‘cause I’m gonna need a ton of therapy after putting up with you. ‘Course, once she finds out how nuts you’ve made me...”
“Relax, Aunt Wind is pretty familiar with my quirks by now.” Granted, she had tried to get me to talk about them a few times. I probably had a couple dozen business cards from various psychologists she recommended I have a chat with. I didn’t need a professional to tell me I had a ton of unresolved issues, I could tell that just fine by myself.
“Guess she would know you pretty well,” Sparkler agreed. She went quiet, staring at me and shuffling around on the sofa for nearly a minute before she finally spoke up again. “Hey, question for you.”
“Yeah?”
“What brought you over?” She brought up a hoof to forestall any answer. “Don’t get me wrong, s'awesome you were here to celebrate with us for Dinks's cutie mark, but you didn’t know about that before you got here. I know Mom figured you were just crashing in on us to get a free home-cooked dinner, but I’m not sure I buy that either. I figured after the whole crazy Tirek thing you and Fluttershy would be joined at the hip for a while.” She groaned, and blushed and buried her face in a pillow, her voice coming out very muffled. “And please don’t elaborate on you and her being ‘joined at the hip.’ I’m traumatized enough as it is.”
“You bring it on yourself,” I shot back without an ounce of pity. I took advantage of her histrionics to decide how best to answer her question. I preferred not to lie, but I also didn’t want to spill the beans to her. “There's some stuff I want to talk over with your mother. Private stuff, which is why it’s waiting until she puts Dinky to bed.”
Her horn lit up, and a second later all the random little background noise coming from elsewhere in the house vanished. I recognized a silence spell when I was in the middle of one. Sparkler nervously rubbed her hooves together. “Uh ... is it anything I can help with? I might not be Mom, but y’know I’d...”
“Yeah, I know.” I smiled at her, then gently shook my head. “Sorry though, it’s not really something you could help with. Not directly at least. It’s ... kind of a just between her and me sort of thing.” One of my hooves started unconsciously drifting towards my belly, and I quickly pulled it back to more normal territory.
“Oh.” She frowned, looking slightly put out, but then a moment later her eyes widened and her ears perked back up. “Oh! That’s what’s going on. That’s ... s’cool. She never says anything about it, but...” She reached over and gently took one of my hooves in her own, squeezing it. “I can tell there’s time when she misses having you as ... well, more than just a friend. If you wanna get back together with her, that’d be cool with me.”
Oh. Oh horseapples. How was I supposed to get out of this without crushing her hopes? And those hopes were going to be crushed, at least in the short term. I wasn’t opposed to the idea of maybe hooking back up with Derpy at some point, either as just adding benefits to our friendship or (with Blossom and Eepy’s approval) taking things further. But that certainly wasn’t anything I wanted to do now. I had this whole pregnancy issue to deal with, I really didn’t need a major relationship shakeup on top of that.
I might not have said anything but I suppose my silence and whatever expression was on my face had already given away what I was thinking. Sparkler’s perked-up ears slowly dropped flat against her skull, and her hopeful smile shifted to a sad frown. “Oh. Um ... right. So it’s not ... yeah. Sorry, guess I shouldn’t’ve said anything.” Her eyes flicked back and forth, and she awkwardly got up from the couch. “So, uh, I guess I’ve got, like, college paperwork to get together and stuff. I’ll get on that, and you can ... yeah.”
She turned on her hooves and slowly trudged out of the room. I wanted to stop her, but there wasn’t really any way I could explain. Not without telling her what was really going on, and getting into way too much detail on a whole lot of messy issues I wasn’t ready to discuss with her yet. She was a good kid, but she was still a kid in a lot of ways.
Still, that meant Dinky and Sparkler were both in their bedrooms now. So I guess it was time to spill the beans to Derpy. That was going to be a fun talk. I sighed and pulled myself off the couch. Okay, it wouldn’t be fun at all, but I still needed to do it.
I found Derpy in the kitchen, working on washing the dishes. She seemed to be lacking her usual bubbly enthusiasm, but at the time I attributed that to being at the end of a long, exciting day. Derpy’s no slouch, but an excited Dinky was a ball of energy that could wear just about anypony out. It reminded me of when Rainbow had taken her out for her first Nightmare Night, and consequently been on the receiving end of Dinky’s first sugar rush. Which resulted in Rainbow pounding down my door at one in the morning, asking if I had any idea where Dinky’s ‘off switch’ was.
I trotted up to the other side of the sink, lightly tapping Derpy’s shoulder to let her know I was there. “Hey. Need any help?”
“No, I've...” She looked down at the remaining dishes, then shrugged and passed me the dishrag. “Sure. Thanks. It's only a few more left.”
I took the towel and got to work on Derpy’s incredibly sturdy dishes. I swear, you could smack those plates with a sledgehammer and the hammer would break first. “Dinky and Sparkler have gone to bed. Dinky’s tummyache miraculously vanished when she thought she might be able to get more cookies.”
Derpy nodded, though her eyes never left the sink. “Thanks for seeing them off. I was afraid Dinky would be bouncing off the walls until after midnight.” She worked through the rest of the dirty dishes with remarkable efficiency, despite how dull and lethargic her movements were, “They love having you over.”
“I love coming over. And not just because of the free home-cooked meals.” I finished drying the last of the dishes, and turned my full attention to Derpy. There was definitely more going on than just her being a bit worn out after a long day. She wasn’t just tired she was ... well, not happy. Maybe not all the way to unhappy, but there was definitely a distinct lack of joy. Which was worrying when Derpy was generally a pretty happy pony, and especially worrying when she ought to be in a good mood because of Dinky getting her cutie mark. She offered me a nod and a halfhearted smile when she saw me looking, but I could tell her heart wasn’t in it.
She trotted over to a locked cabinet and fiddled with it for a minute, until I heard the sharp snap of breaking metal. I quickly trotted over to see what had happened and found Derpy holding a large, thick padlock that she’d somehow snapped in half. She stared at the broken lock in dazed confusion. “How the...?”
I quickly put a hoof over my mouth to hide my laughter. “Why are you even surprised? I’d think you’d be used to that kind of thing by now.”
Derpy sighed and set the broken lock on the kitchen counter, grumbling, “That’s the third one this year...” She opened up the cabinet and pulled out a very nice and quite expensive-looking bottle. “Maybe I should just hide this under a pile of spinach. Dinky wouldn't touch it with a broomstick. Plus I’m pretty sure Sparkler’s trying to learn how to pick locks anyway. Assuming she doesn’t just get your cousin to supply her with cider whenever she comes to town.”
“Accusing my cousin of providing booze to her below-drinking-age girlfriend...” I would speak up in defense of Star’s honor, but honestly I’d be kind of surprised if Star wasn’t doing that. Granted, I expected her to show some restraint and judgement about it. Letting Sparkler steal a few sips of her cider was one thing; getting Sparkler utterly smashed was something else.
My eyes lingered on the bottle, quite curious about just what could be in such a nice and expensive container. Though a pointed twinge from my stomach reminded me that my new ... condition made actually drinking any of it a terrible idea. I was still allowed to at least indulge vicariously, though. “So what do you have there?”
“Raspberry wine, with a hint of elderberries.” Derpy popped out the cork, and to my vague surprise didn’t damage the bottle in the process. “It's some kind of gryphon vintage Daddy likes. He brought home a couple bottles from his last trip to Westmarch.”
“Nice.” Once more, I found myself regretting my current condition. At least half of it had to be pure psychology. I usually didn’t even drink all that often, but now that I couldn’t it really bugged me every time I missed a chance. “I’m afraid I'll have to pass for now, but go ahead and enjoy yourself.”
However, what was a little surprising was that Derpy herself was indulging. She’d been understandably leery of alcohol ever since Dinky’s conception at a party she could barely remember with a stallion who had been equally smashed. For a long time she hadn’t touched any form of booze, and even after she’d relaxed her stance it was pretty rare for her to drink. And I couldn’t recall her ever being the one to pull out the booze herself.
Derpy shrugged, then pulled a single glass out of the cabinet. “Suit yourself.” She filled her glass up, then took it and the bottle to the living room. She carefully set the bottle down on the coffee table, then settled down onto the couch, sipping her wineglass. She glanced over at me, then pointedly scooted over to make room.
I took a seat next to her, trying to think of how to broach the topic I’d come to discuss. It wasn’t like I just randomly blurt out ‘Hey, I’ve got a bun in the oven!’ Not that what I went with was a massive improvement on that. “So ... uh ... um...”
Derpy took a light sip of her wine, then shot a curious look my way. “Yes?”
After a bit more hesitation, I took the coward’s way out. “Dinky getting her cutie mark. Big day, huh?” I would work my way up to the whole pregnancy thing. Later.
“Yeah, it was.” She smiled wistfully down the hall, towards Dinky’s bedroom, then took a hasty sip of her wine to try and hide her watering eyes. “Big, just like her.” She let out a soft sniffle. “Oh my little baby's all grown up now...”
“Not all grown up, but certainly a lot more than she was yesterday.” I grinned and put a wing over her shoulders. “Pretty great, isn't it?”
For long time Derpy didn’t say anything. Then she gave a single sharp, almost perfunctory nod before she hastily finished off the rest of her glass. She promptly filled it back up, all the way to the brim, then stared down at it, completely silent.
“Isn't it?” I asked again, this time inflecting it as an actual question.
Derpy hastily wiped her eyes and nodded again. “It is, it i-is...” She coughed and cleared her throat. “Sorry, I'm sorry, it’s...”
Well, that confirmed that not all was well. “Hey...” I tightened my wing around her and pulled her in for a proper hug. “What's wrong, sweetie?”
Derpy immediately returned the hug, clinging to me like a drowning mare and burying her face in my chest. “Sh-she's growing up too fast, Cloud. They're growing uh—up t-too fast, I don't want th-them to leave.”
“Whoa...” I gently rubbed her back. “Easy there, Derpy. They're not leaving.”
“Sparkler is.” She pulled back from my chest to wipe her eyes. “And Dinky’s ... she's got her cutie mark now. Everypony knows that’s when a little filly starts growing up. She’s not my little baby any more, now she’s my young mare...”
“Derpy...” I gave her a reassuring little nuzzle. “Relax. Dinky's just got her cutie mark. It's not like she's moving out tomorrow.”
She sighed and swiped a wing across her eyes. “I know, I know.” She nuzzled me in return, pulling me a bit closer to her. “But Sparkler’s going away to college before too much longer, and now Dinky’s ... it's hard n-not to think about it.” She sniffled and grabbed a tissue, blowing her nose. “Sorry. I don't mean to...”
“It's fine.” I certainly preferred talking to her about her problems over dealing with any of mine. “For what it’s worth, I think I understand what you're going through. Your kids are growing up, and you’re afraid that one day they’re going to leave you behind. They’ll both go out and live their own lives, and you’ll be stuck here with an empty nest.”
Derpy sighed and nodded glumly, downing another glass of wine. “Cloud ... ever since I got pregnant with Dinky, my whole life has been about my girls. Sure, I have my friends and my job, but ... the girls were always the most important thing. They’re the center of my universe. But ... but I’m not ... Cloud, they’re going to leave! I don’t know what I’ll do with myself without them! I don’t have anything that could fill the hole they’re going to leave behind.”
She slumped down in the couch, filling her glass again. “I'm not ready for them to grow up yet, Cloud. I...” She groaned and ran a hoof through her mane. “I don't know how to say it. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, I just...”
I gently squeezed her with my wing. “Just say whatever's on your mind. I’m here to listen.”
She nodded and sipped her glass, her eyes drifting over to a wall that was practically covered in photos of Derpy and her daughters. “Do you remember Dinky's first birthday?” She pointed to a photo of little baby Dinky, wearing a party hat and covered in frosting. “I tried so hard to keep her clean all day, and she then just planted her face right into that cake. She was such a mess. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get frosting out a foal’s mane?”
I snickered as the memories came back. “Yeah...”
She smiled wistfully as her eyes moved further down the wall. “Or—or do you remember when Cirrus was on diaper duty that one time I caught the feather flu? I still can't believe he a-actually borrowed a Guard-issue gas mask for that.” She chuckled and wiped her eyes. “And Rainbow painted a mustache on it before she left...”
I chuckled, in part because I’d helped her pull that one off. “Yeah, good times.” I leaned against Derpy, quietly supporting her.
“They were, weren’t they?” She pressed against me, but just when I thought she was finally starting to relax, her smile faded. “I never even got those times with Sparkler. We were so happy to have her in our family, but she was already a teenager when I adopted her. And even after I brought her home it was months before she really came out of her shell and started trusting me. And now she’s...”
I gave her another squeeze. “You still had plenty of good times with her, Derpy.”
“I know I did.” She sniffled and downed some more wine. “I wouldn't trade the time we had together for anything in the world. I just wish we’d had more.”
She sighed and pressed against me, getting cozy enough that we were right on the borderline between just being friendly and something else. She didn’t say anything, she just stayed close to me and steadily worked on emptying her wine bottle. After long enough to make it just a little awkward, she nuzzled me. “Thank you, Cloud. Really. It’s great to have somepony here who’s willing to listen to me and ... just, thank you.”
“Anytime,” I assured her. “That’s what friends are for.”
Something flickered across her eyes, and then she slowly nodded. “While I have you here, I wanted to run something by you. It's ... well, I'm glad it's you here, and not Rainbow or somepony else.”
“Yeah?” I had a feeling I knew where this was going, and I was tempted to nip it in the bud. But there was a chance I was wrong, and if I got started on gently letting her down only to find out that she wasn’t trying to hook back up with me, it’d be awkward for everypony. Well, more awkward than it was already. “What is it?”
She sniffled and waved her hoof at a photo of herself with Dinky and Sparkler. “I—I want to have another one.”
Oh.
Well.
I hadn’t been expecting that. “You want to have another kid?”
She nodded. “I've done some thinking and looked at my finances, and between the raise I got a couple months ago and Sparkler moving out for college, I should be alright on that front.” She sighed and ran a hoof through her mane. “Much as I’m not a wild about her plans to join the Guard, it does take care of tuition.” She turned back to me, a shaky grin on her face. “Anyway, ... I'm ready for another one.”
Oh dear Shadow, she was serious. “Um ... that’s ... wow.” I ran a hoof through my mane, and asked a question I had a feeling I would regret. “Have you decided who would be the sire?”
She paused and smiled shyly at me. “Okay, I guess I’m only mostly ready. I, uh, I haven't really worked that part out yet.” But the way her eyes lingered on me for a long moment after she said that gave me a feeling she already had somepony in mind.
Unless she’d had a secret affair I’d never heard anything about—not likely in a gossipy small town like Ponyville—I was the only pony she’d been in a serious relationship with since before Dinky had been born. And even if our relationship hadn’t quite worked out, we were still on very good terms. When it came to searching for somepony willing to put a baby in her, it seemed logical to guess that my name was at the top of the list.
I just had to hope she wouldn’t ask me outright. There are a lot of things I would do for a friend, but conceiving a child was really pushing the limits of friendship. Especially when I was already dealing with one baby; the last thing I needed was to add a second foal to the mix.
So I carefully ignored any subtle hints of implications Derpy might have been sending my way. “Probably need to decide who the sire is. That’s kind of an important detail when you want to have a kid. Especially since they’ll probably want some role in the foal’s life.”
She smiled sheepishly up at me. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But ... well, no sense asking anypony to sire my baby until I know for sure that I’m having one.” She nodded, a resolute expression on her face. “But I've been thinking about it for a while now, Cloud. And the more I think about it, the more certain I am. I want another one.”
I asked the biggest question on my mind. “Why?”
She blinked in surprise, wrong-hoofed by my inquiry. “What?”
“Why do you want another kid?” I repeated.
“Because I...” She hesitated, her gaze dropping down to her wineglass. She blinked, seeming almost surprised that it was empty. She filled it back up, then immediately drained half of it. She blinked a couple more times, then cleared her throat. “Because I want to have a foal, Cloud.”
I frowned skeptically. “So you want to have a foal because ... you want to have a foal? No other reasons for it?”
“What other reason does there need to be?” she asked, squaring her shoulders defensively. “I feel ready for another baby in my family, and it’s my decision. Honestly, I’m a little surprised you even had to ask why I would want to have another foal. If any of us was ready for a kid to come along... well, I mean, it'd be me, right?
I couldn’t help flinching at that. She was certainly right about that. I wasn’t ready for a kid at all, and now one of my best friends was desperate for one. It was like some evil trickster had switched things around on us.
Note to self: find Discord and kick him in the sensitive bits. Not that I actually believed he was responsible for any of this, or that trying to kick him had the slightest chance of actually working. I just figured I had to at least try to do something to him after what Rainbow told me he’d gotten up to during the whole Tirek thing.
Derpy must’ve come to her own conclusions about why I’d flinched, because she quickly hugged me. “Hey, Cloud, it's okay. You didn’t hurt my feelings. I know you’re just looking out for me.”
I sighed and accepted the hug, reluctantly resolving to push the issue one last time. “You're not thinking about having another kid just so you won't have an empty nest, right?”
She froze, her wings slowly drooping down. “It’s ... it’s not just that, no.”
“But that's part of it?” I pressed.
She sighed and all but lay down on the couch, pressing her entire body against mine. “I don't want to—that's not—” She let out a loud sigh, like air escaping a balloon after somepony punched a small hole in it. “When you say it like that, you make it sound cheap. Like I’m just having a baby so I won’t feel lonely. We’re talking about bringing a new pony into the world. I wouldn’t do something that important just because I’m afraid I’ll die alone.”
This time, my flinch had nothing to do with my pregnancy. As the only pony who’d been in a real relationship with her for years, I couldn’t help but feel a bit responsible for her current loneliness. Sure, we’d broken up for some pretty good reasons, but before we’d called it quits we’d had some very good times together. And part of the whole problem with our relationship had been that she wanted me to seriously commit to being there in the long term when I hadn’t been ready for anything like that.
But now she was so lonely and scared she was thinking of having another child just to fill the void. A void I could’ve helped her with if things had worked out. That left me feeling more than a little guilty.
She nodded to herself, seeming more certain of her decision with every passing moment. “So, yes. That's ... yes. That's what I want.” She topped off her glass again. “Thanks for hearing me out, Cloud. It's nice to just be able to get that out in the open instead of bottling it all up inside.”
I sighed and reluctantly nodded. There wasn’t any point in trying to argue with her, at least not right now. Plus I just wasn’t in the mood for it. “Anytime, Derpy. It’s what friends do.”
She emptied her glass again, then curled up against me, pressing in close enough to make me feel slightly uncomfortable. I told myself it was just the wine putting her in a snuggly mood. I didn’t have much experience with Derpy when she’d been overindulging, but what I knew told me that she was a very lovey drunk.
I could feel her smiling against my chest fur. “So now that I'm done moping...” She gently nuzzled along my ribs. “How are you doing?”
I took a deep breath and got down to the whole reason I’d come here in the first place. “Well, I've got some big news...”
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Huh...Dinky got her cutie mark...well cheering people up does seem to be her specialty.
Wow. Dinky's specialty hugs are now... specialty hugs.
Derpy's gonna need another bottle.
Oh lord Cloud don't tell her in a way that makes her think it's hers.
Forgive me.
6812641 Guess she's a literal ball of sunshine. For realsies.
Wait, what? I spent the whole chapter waiting for Cloud to break the news. Why would you have to end it like that?
Anyway, great chapter. I always love the interaction you make between Cloud and the kids. I believe she would be a great mother.
And as always, only you can make 12k words feel like 3k.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I was reading something, and the author left things off on an awful cliffhanger that had been building since the start of the chapter. I've learned that authors can be jerks,
Your frustrated student.
Argh, Cloud, just buckle down, commit, and have the kid already!
But, knowing Cloud's history of snap decisions and mistakes, she'll probably kill the foal, and then feel horrible about it for the rest of her life.
6812774 I agree. I think she can pull of the mother thing. I swear, Chengar, if you kill the kid...
oh you tease
This is just terrible! It is THE WORST POSSIBLE THING!... Cliffhanger!
lol
Gosh darn it chengar! Stop teasing us :/ I wanted derpy's reaction :(
6812743 http://imgur.com/gallery/xZ2sEbd
I've said it before and I still believe it; Cliffhangers, the bane of readers and the guilty pleasure of writers. Just, please don't indulge for too long, I'm also wanting to see everyone else's reactions as well. The drama between if they'll be supportive, shocked, or anywhere else in the spectrum is getting good.
And I'll drop this here incase anyone missed the blog, congrats on getting your hard bound ready for publishing.
All that build up and it ended on a cliff hanger?
Still, good on Dinky for getting her mark. I like that, it really does show progression and time moving forward. I'm interested in where you're going with Derpy as well. It makes sense that she would want to keep on raising a kid. If she can't get anypony to do it with her (unlikely, this is the Winningverse, after all) she could adopt again. This time, it's Twilight's long lost little brother. /shot
Dammmmmn empty nest syndrome is strong with the Derpy pony. And that cliffhanger! wow such a tease. I cant wait for the next chapter. It was a good chapter to read and im happy I got to read it today.
Tell her cloud... TELL her Cloud...TELL HER CLOUD!
I took a deep breath and got down to the whole reason I’d come here in the first place. “Well, I've got some big news...”
(chapter end)
GAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Tune in next time when Ditzy says "I don't want to open my mouth because my brain might fall out."
I can't believe you spent 12k words only to never actually get to the purpose of the chapter in the first place. I mean, as much as I like Cloud's interactions with Derpy's family, the whole chapter feels more filler then it should.
6813399 Almost as if things kept getting distracted? Like the chapter title implies?
6813421
Mind. Blown.
EEEE! Dinky got her CUTIE MARK!
Okay, Hasbro, we need a two-parter with more music and feels than "Crusaders of the Lost Mark." Get on it!!!
Dang, Dinky should've gotten a cutie mark in delivering sick burns.
Ugh...you tease. I kept waiting and waiting for her to drop the news, and you left it at a cliffhanger.
Also, that "Derpy Accident" scene was hilarious.
Damn Chengar! Excellent chapter and then a cliffhangar. Seriously?
Also
Rainbow have a sex change for ten seconds of conversation?
But yeah look forward to the next chapter next month.
6814053
I think it was referring to Cirrus leaving, not Rainbow.
Good God Cloud, Derpy is all kid crazy right now with her empty nest syndrome, and you REALLY think it's a good idea to STILL talk about your pregnancy with her??? If you talk about the doubts you're having about not wanting a kid, she is going to kill you with nothing but her angry glare! She'll be just that upset that you would even think about having an abortion when she wants a kid so bad right now. If you're looking for an unbiased opinion, Derpy is one of the last places you want to look to at the moment.
"hasty sip"
There appears to be an extra space there.
Oh, come on, you ended the chapter there? :D
Duh!
She's gonna call up noxious Yog-Sothoth and usher in the apocalypse! Tentacles will writhe between the skies and foul vistas rise up from the depths of the oceans, where vast R'lyeh is buried, reality as we know it will end and everypony's faces will melt.
6814053
6814358
Jahkayhla is correct.
6814785 I stand corrected.
Still a good chapter.
She is Iron Mare.
Ugh, that cliffhanger. x_X
Gahhhh, that entire chapter was nothing but a tease! An enjoyable to read tease, but a tease nonetheless!
Yep, definitely a little of Sparkler's smartflank-itude has rubbed off on Dinky
They're on the bus over, give them a minute or two!
Argh, you cliffhangering whore!
I called that it was going to end in a cliffhanger when the chapter was coming to a close and there was still no sign of Cloud finally telling Derpy about her pregnancy. The reader in me wanted to see Derpy's reaction in this chapter, but the writer in me knows that just shoehorning Derpy's reaction into the end of the chapter wouldn't provide a way to wrap up the chapter as neatly as the cliffhanger. Some people might consider this chapter to be filler, but in a story like this one that relies more on the character interaction than the plot moving forward, I doubt there can be anything such as a "filler chapter" as long as there is enough character interaction to make up for it, which this chapter certainly has plenty of.
So Derpy wants to have another foal? Well, things are about to get very interesting. And not only that, but it seems she's considering hooking back up with Cloud for real this time! I can't imagine who else could possibly become the sire except for Cloud and I know for sure that Flutters and Blossom wouldn't take it too kindly if she hooked back up with Derpy, especially for the kind of permanent relationship that Derpy seems to have in mind. Cloud Kicker's situation just got even more complicated.
So let me take a wild guess as to how this is going to play out: Cloud is going to come dangerously close to aborting her foal, but she is going to be stopped by her friends and they're going to help her realize that she really did want a foal all along. Yada yada yada, the new foal is born and she feels like the happiest mare in all of Equestria. And they all live happily ever after. The end.
No seriously, I think the best outcome would be if Derpy adopted Cloud's foal and both Cloud and Derpy became the foal's new moms. That way both Derpy and Cloud would be reasonably happy, but I guess Blossom and Flutters might not be truly satisfied with that solution, so I guess all four of them (Derpy, Cloud, Blossom and Fluttershy) might become the new foal's moms, but that seems like a solution that is almost too happy and clean for the Winningverse. Damn it, Chengar! In the end I suppose I have no idea how this story is really going to play out, but I really hope it won't end with Cloud aborting her foal because that seems too dark for the Winningverse, though I suppose you could still go there if you really want to up the drama. But then again, she could always have another foal later, except if for some terrible reason she becomes infertile. Now that would make for some good drama!
Okay, at this point I'm wondering less about how Chengar is going to continue this story and more about what I would do if I were in Chengar's shoes. I can't claim to know anything at all about what Chengar's devious mind has concocted this time, so I guess I'll just have to sit and wait.
YOU FUCKING COCKTEASE!
"Nobody expects the Spinach Inquisition!"
6816112
Pretty much what you said, as far as the hanging ending. The entire chapter is about how Cloud's too busy helping the Doos with all their various goings-on to deal with her own problems. You can expect that theme to come up again—just because Cloud's pregnant doesn't mean all her friends and family don't still have their own personal lives and struggles.
Sorry Cloud Kicker; you've been one-upped.
Honestly, I don't see the cliff-hanger everyone is talking about. What other big news could Cloud Kicker possibly follow up with after that last line?
Here's how I feel about that Cliffhanger ending after all that build up:
Oh come on, you seriously ended the chapter there?
Okay, I admit, it was the perfect cliffhanger, but still. You evil genius you.
I always enjoy Cloud's and Sparkler's banters, they're hilarious. And Sparkler is just like one friend I have (though topics are different) - tries to be a smartass but ends up destroying himself spectacularly instead.
Also, Derpy wanting another little one - funny, I was thinking she'll probably want one far before she confessed it, as the signs were there. I feel proud of myself for being observant, for once.
More drama for Cloud. Really can't wait to see how she'll approach her own pregnancy though.
The reaction... well... no pressure, but we expect awesome stuff from that one
the stuff we put up with chen...
good chapter anyways
Dinky Doo, the unexpected reincarnation of Sunbeam Sparkle.
So, she got her cutie mark in hugging ponies? That's slightly...anticlimactic.
Wow, that's even kind of impressive.
Heh, I have to wonder how Twilight reacts to Dinky hugs these days. Is she still keeping the secret of Dinky's father completely to herself?
Geeze, Cloud, not everything is about sex.
Hah!
Still don't know what I think about Sparkler's guard plans, they feel just a little too connected to who her marefriend is. But then again, the guard is a big family tradition for every family she is associated with and connected to, both knowingly and unknowingly. I do like the Magus Corps idea, same with the Twilight's guard possibility.
Derpy is drinking at home in private? That can be a bad sign.
So, early onset empty nest syndrome resulting in wanting to have more kids? That seems like questionable planning. Hey, maybe Cloud being pregnant will provide an emotional surrogate.
6812650 Some very 'special' hugs. That will make lots of ponies, especially the boys, very happy.
The where did you come from exchange was great; so quick and snappy.
So Twilight still hasn't told them?