Flying. The only thing other than her blank flank that Scootaloo can think of. It has never been easy and she struggles everyday even to hover a couple of inches off the ground. Her role model and idol, Rainbow Dash, has given her every tip and trick she knows. She pushes herself to the bone in secret. But for all she is worth, the coveted flight has never come. As she sets up to take flight, she will encounter three of the worst days of her life only to get more than she ever bargained for.
Chapters (1)
Not bad. I can definitely see how Scootaloo would be afraid of letting down Rainbow Dash and such fears making it harder for her to fly. It reminds me of the lesson Luna told Scootaloo in a way, which isn't a bad thing. Just a little observation I noticed.
Anyway, there are three things I'd like to point out. You're more than welcome to agree or disagree with me, as these are just my opinions. First, I'd recommend spacing out your paragraphs. It's minor in the grand scheme of things, but it makes the story feel not as cluttered. Just something to keep in mind for the future.
Second, I found the prose to feel somewhat repetitive at times. For example, I noticed some of the sentences all following a similar structure, such as in the beginning where it's describing the pain Scootaloo is going through. To be frank, it's something I struggle with a lot as well, but I'd recommend tinkering with your sentences and seeing how you can differentiate those close to each other. Don't stress out about it too much, as you'll naturally use a similar sentence structure for something later on in the story.
Last, Scootaloo's relationship with Rumble could be improved a bit. I think the former's behavior might be off-putting for the latter. It's not because Scootaloo is moping, but because of how she yells and lashes out at Rumble in anger. This could be alleviated by having Scootaloo be somewhat more polite to Rumble during her despair, but having her ask Rumble to please leave her alone through sobs. Rumble could then respect her desires, only for him to show up tomorrow and check up on her like what happened in the story. With the second encounter, Scootaloo may feel miffed at Rumble, though subtle body language and thoughts could be used instead of rudeness. The exception to lightening up Scootaloo's behavior would be when she tells Rumble about how much he goes on about Thunderlane. That works as an exception because it leads to the epiphany when he informs her about how much she admires Rainbow Dash. While I believe Scootaloo could act in a way as you showed in the story, it makes her eventual closeness with Rumble feel a little awkward in my opinion.
Anyway, keep on writing, and I wish you the best of luck on your future projects.
6153045 Thanks for all of that. As for the spacing, I do understand that. I just follow what I read in books and keep them together to follow the example. Personally, I just think it looks more professional.
Anyways. Not real sure what to do about the repetitiveness. I know I repeat things for a more dramatic feel, but I guess my style just doesn't translate as well in this way. And yeah, I kind of made Scootaloo lash out too harsh. I guess I didn't do all that well making her in character. I'll try better if I do another story. Got a Rainbow X Soarin fic now in mind. Too many ideas, not enough time, and all from who-knows-where.
But thanks again for looking at it. I appreciate it. I'd be glad to look at a story of yours for this if you'd like.
6153152 You're welcome! I'm glad I could help in some way. Best of luck on your future stories.
Pretty decent, I feel like it was too short though. Also would have been good to have Rainbow watching the two at the end and giving a sly grin like "I know where this is going".
6153265 Thanks. This is my first shot at any sort of romance or shipping so...yeah. I'm not very good at this. The idea of Rainbow at the end would probably push into innuendos I didn't want to dive into. Trying to play it safe here.
I didn't actually see any romance myself, more a friend helping a friend, and I felt that it was good regardless.
Don't be afraid to use commas! There's quite a few areas where a sentence could be merged together with another.
The capital letters to emphasize are rather off-putting. I'd recommend settling for something which is more subtle, as the words that are spoken should speak for themselves.
6154262 Yeah, I really don't know what qualifies as romance. Not a romantic myself. The rest does help. So thanks for that.
You posted that you had issues with the reception. My advice is to put into WRITE (Writes and Reviewers Instutute for Technical Excellence) and request a review. Good luck.
6157386 Thanks. I'll try that.
*silenced
6185584 Thanks for finding that. Got if fixed now.
Rumble will have to explain this to his brother and foal-sitters.
SEQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLL
6300920 Unfortunately, I don't think that will happen. This was a one-off idea and I have no idea how I would even begin to continue. I'm very sorry.
6301003 yeah well, it was a good story actually. Even if it was short but it was great as well. So great that i thought maybe a sequel would be good. But anyway, good luck for you in the future
6301140 Thanks.