One night, a filly and her sister are surviving by their wits. They go to sleep and suddenly awaken in a whole different world. Actually, Celestia finds herself in a new situation where the Pony Tribes get along with each other. They all seem to think she is a princess. Plus everypony is extremely over protective of her well being. The beginnings of an awkward situation Celestia may not have mind as much.
Except her baby sister, Luna, is missing!
Edited by Gambit Prawn, who was very helpful in ironing out the rough spots in the story.
Art work done by me.
Chapters (3)
More please!
Really liking this up to date, please continue!!
I think the story is strong enough on its own without Blueblood being here just to be a loser or a obstacle.
Let's see where this goes...
You have my attention...
Hhhhh... Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Too... cute...
And the FEELS, man! THE FEELS!
And right off the bat, this has become interesting. Please write more!
and we have word count problems again
6148369
Can't tell if he's gonna be good or bad for the story, it hasn't been finished yet to tell.
But watching Blueblood trying a badly thought out grab for power (and trying to use Twilight Sparkle no less) should be amusing to see. Let's wait and see. :p
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/312/893/8ee.png
6149996
He doesn't seem the type to engage in inane power grabs.
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In regards to Blueblood; he will have his part to play.
I can't really blame or hate Blueblood with his behavior towards Celestia, though a bit rude and mean, because the whole line of "Children should obey when commanded probably means he had the "children should be seen, not heard" mentality beaten into him that some high societies have, probably literally too.
I feel like this still needs a lot of technical editing. Watch for sentence fragments (there's one immediately after the opening sentence of the first paragraph). Try to find ways to make the writing more concise and eliminate excess wordiness and description that drags down the pace without contributing enough compensation in immersion-building. Use pronouns - for example, the first paragraph uses the proper name 'Celestia' far too many times when it could be replaced with 'she' or 'her' and still be completely comprehensible.
To shift gears and look at it in terms of content, this first chapter is a cutesy type scene that wins some superficial appeal points but I'm having trouble finding a deeper 'hook' here. This inexplicable situation is just kind of dumped on the ground in front of us to sort out and there doesn't seem to be much of a hint that this has a clearly intended direction in which to build into something overarchingly interesting as a longer story.
And yes, I'm aware that this is only the first chapter, but first chapters (first paragraphs, even) are where you either grab and hold a reader's attention, or you lose them over issues like these and they move on to a different story that does it better.
Cool story, but seems like you would improve from a Beta reader.
Also speaking of grammar, wouldn't Celestia speak in the same fashion as Luna did during NMM?
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The first two sentences were a tough decision for me when I was editing. It is a fragment, but I thought that breaking the rule here would add a stylistic touch: choppiness mimicking flashes of indistinct memories. In hindsight, perhaps separating the first two sentences with a comma would have been better in order to play it safe in the first paragraph.
Any other fragments you saw are probably misses. I'd appreciate any others you can find.
You are right about the pronoun issue. I noticed it but only stamped out some of the instances.
Thanks for the feedback. You made me realize that I was wrong to pull my punches with the editing; I probably did so because Gothicfox's second draft was monumentally better than the first, and I wanted him to see that. For a while I was even afraid he gave up after I tore apart the original.
6152892
That's actually some brilliant fridge logic right there.
I finally see someone use the word "whom", and they use it incorrectly. Figures. It should be "who".
Aside from that, it looks pretty good so far.
6153163 The way I remember it is 'Always say 'To whom', never say 'To who''. 10 points if you get that reference.
This is looking to be a really good story. Keep writing.
6156355 Luna did not say "to whom"; she just said "whom". That's incorrect.
6157581 No, I meant... Never mind.
Corrected whom with who. Go have a nice fourth.
6160064
Well thank goodness you fixed that one word. It was keeping me awake at nights...
Happy Fourth of July everyone.
MOAR?!?!!
6769533 Not to worry. Fox has editor working on the next chapter and should have it posted up shortly.
6828565 YAY!!!
Caesar is the villain.
6910303
Perhaps. Or perhaps Blueblood and he are currently having a hard time with one another, similar to Applejack and Rarity during Twilight's sleepover. At this point, not having the Canterlot elite be evil and/or stupid is an absolute oddity, even though there's no reason they should all be horrible people.
Have you read the Journal of the Two Sisters? It does say something to this effect, that Celestia helped Star Swirl invent time magic. (It also states that incorrect use can de-age a pony!)
You have. You totally have.
Missed a full stop.
And another...
Suspicious~
Think you missed a word here.
Good second chapter! Looking forward to number three!
6911192
I have read the Journal from the two sisters, and some of the information comes from there. Though most of this story is based around my personal head cannon, I thought keeping up with some relative facts would keep it real.
*today's
Sorry for bugging you but by any chance do you know when the next chapter will be posted
7222720
The next chapter is finished, all that is left is doing the editing. My apologies for the waiting, but I do have a full time job that commends the majority of my time. Do not worry, I will finish this story, it's just going to be a while.
7225025 that is okay I understand. I just ask people now and then just to make shire if the person is still still into wrighting the story or if it is a dead fic
Venkmane, Stands, and Spangler by any chance?
I think this sentence got chopped a little. Is Twilight implying that she knows what the average alicorn filly looks like because she was one? Did she mean to name-drop Flurry Heart instead? (Or is this set before then?)
Quotation marks should be at the end of the spoken words, not at the start of the narration.
Any more is two words.
Good chapter, keep it up!
7352197
Yes, I did put a Ghostbusters reference in there.
Thank you for pointing out the errors in there as well.
Ironically, it'll be funnier then anything in the new movie.
Hope to read a new chapter soon
7407513
New chapter is in rough draft phrase and being beaten into something readable. May have it out this year even.
7408121 okay thank you for letting me know
Soo...when's the next chapter?
( Ignoring the fact you haven't been active in a year and 9 months 
)