Chapter One
Celestia remembered the fillies crying out. The rush and whirl of magic as it enveloped her. Everything was chaotic and desperate. She had become confused about what had started this ordeal. All she knew was that the fillies had to be protected. How many fillies? Just one, right? She promised to protect one filly along time ago. Celestia was startled when the darkness fell, blotting out both sight and sound. Celestria found the darkness oppressive, so much so that it almost made her cry. Part of Celestia’s mind found it silly that the ancient mare would be afraid of the dark. No, she had been afraid of the dark once. Once? She was still afraid of the dark. Something might be hiding under her bed. Wait, under her bed? She had not owned a bed for some time, much less a home of her own. Celestia tried to stop the onslaught of thoughts, her memories crashing into each other with reckless abandon. The mental turmoil Celestia experienced ended as something new emerged from the darkness. The distraction in the darkness came in the form of an Alicorn stallion. Her heart began race as he roared in rage. The words he said only added to her confusion.
"It did not work!"
The Alicorn faded as the darkness returned. Celestia felt herself falling. Worse, the feeling of something wrapping around her became evident and she began to struggle against it. At first it restricted her movement, but the more frantic her struggles became, the looser the membrane became. Celestia finally found her rear hooves gaining purchase and she heaved herself forward, tearing the membrane away with her. With a squeal, she pushed forward, and light began to appear. Celestia’s head broke free, and she slipped on a plush carpet floor. She paused only a moment before continuing the struggle to get free. One foreleg emerged followed by another, allowing Celestia to pull her hindquarters free and all-but gallop from the heavy grasp of the blanket. Celestia stumbled and landed face first, and it began to dawn on her that she had been attacked by a bed, the bed she had been lying in before she hurled herself out of it in fright. Celestia blushed at her foalish mistake.
Confusion set in, confusion at her surroundings. Celestia took in the room, noticing the golden accents and the symbols of the sun adorning the walls and main doors of the chamber. Part of her confusion was due to knowing that this was not the place she had fallen asleep last night. Yesterday, at dusk, Celestia and Luna had found shelter behind a rainbow colored waterfall. Now Celestia had awakened in an opulent room adorned with gold and many valuable, ancient items. Even the tapestries looked like they could fetch a small fortune. For a moment, all Celestia could do was marvel. From the tea set to the books set in the wall, everything seemed so cared-for, yet well-used.
Overcome with the desire to search the room, Celestia paused at a towering mirror. A filly with pink mane and tail stared back at Celestia with wide eyes. Celestia frowned at herself briefly wondering why everything felt so off with her reflection. "Ah." She said lightly as she began to fuss with the tangles in her mane and tail. Her appearance was so out of place in the elegant room that she desired to at least attempt to be presentable. Celestia huffed as her mane would not obey without the magic of a simple brush. She sat down on her blank flank and looked about for such item but gave quickly when it became evident that a brush was no where to be found. Defeated for now, Celestia opted to continue searching the chambers.
A chirp perked up Celestia’s ears, and she followed the sound into another part of the immense room. She gasped at the sight of the Phoenix perched next to the curtain-drawn window. It looked at Celestia with intelligent eyes, studying her. It showed no hint of fear; in fact, the Phoenix almost seemed welcoming towards Celestia. Quite the difference from other attempts that Celestia and Luna had made to get near Phoenixes in the wild. Celestia remembered that these magnificent creatures did not usually seem to be interested in making friends or having anything to do with the sisters. Luna would moan her disappointment when the Phoenixes would take off. Celestia smiled softly at the memory.
Then it dawned on Celestia that she had been searching this chamber by herself since falling out of bed.
"Luna?" Celestia looked back to the large bed. She scampered back and tossed pillows aside,searching through the blankets. Finding that her baby sister was absent, panic gripped Celestia. She ran around the room, raising her voice as she called out for her sister. "Luna? Luna where are you? Luna?!"
This was no game now. Celestia knew Luna had been at her side last night. She remembered the whole reason for finding the cave to weather the night was because Luna had been frightened by a group of pegasi flying in the distance. Only Celestia's promise of finding a safe, out of the way shelter had reassured Luna enough for her to venture from her hiding spot in the foliage. Celestia could not fault her sister’s feelings of fear, as run-ins with other members of the pony tribes tend to be curt, if the ponies were not downright mean. They had been angry at the Alicorns, they blamed them-for something. Celestia pressed a hoof against her head as memories of that moment jumble. A stray thought pricked the bubble of memories and Celestia remember she needed to find Luna. Now Celestia had awakened in a strange room, the only thing that mattered in the whole wide world lost to her. With her parents now gone. Luna was not only just her sister, but also her responsibility.
Shouting Luna's name seemed to draw the attention of someone outside the chamber door. Celestia bolted around to the opposite corner of the bed to watch who would come in. To Celestia’s surprise, an earth pony stallion wearing armor stuck his head inside and looked about. Noticing the disheveled bed and lack of an occupant, he called to another, and a second armored earth pony appeared as they enter the room.
"Told you I heard something," the first stallion said.
"Yeah, you told me." The second scanned the room. "Is she hiding?"
"Princess?"
As the stallions continued deeper into the room, Celestia dove under the bed, squeezing under it. She bit her lip to stifle the sounds of exertion and made her way to the other side of the bed, sandwiched between the bed and the floor Then she waited. While the armored ponies searched the opposite side of the bed, Celestia popped out and ran for the open door, the sound of her running hooves alerting the two guards to her escape.
"She's bolting!"
"Princess, wait!" The first stallion leaped over the bed and took a few quick steps to make a lunge at the filly. Celestia screamed and her horn glowed with a golden aura. She leaped to the side as she grasped the door and pulled it back. An audible crash of metal and pony elicited a yell from the guard as the door closed right in his face. Celestia did not pause and ran out into the large hall, several times larger than any place she had been to before. The same theming as before adorned the area. Hearing the second armored pony nearing the doorway, Celestia slammed the second door shut. She hoped that it would give her a few precious seconds to think.
Had some earth pony lord kidnapped Celestia and Luna? Were they prisoners in his elegant keep? Did the earth pony want their innate powers or to use them in some elaborate power struggle? All that sounded silly, as the two younger alicorns had nothing to their name except their names. Then an intrusive thought popped into Celestia’s head—Luna tied to a spit and being honey roasted. Celestia squeaked an indignant cry and banished that thought. No one, no way, no how would be eating her little sister.
Turning a corner, Celestia ran straight into another set of ponies, a pair of maids. The two mares gasped in surprise and called Celestia by name to ask her to stop. She wondered how so many ponies even knew her name. She also wondered why they kept putting Princess before her name. Celestia figured all these ponies were being silly. Who would make a filly, even an alicorn filly, royalty? As she put distance between the two mares and herself, she spotted a stairway going down. Celestia sprinted down the steps,taking the steps two at a time. Realizing she needed more distance with each hop, she spread her wings. With a hop, she glided gracefully for several steps. Her success with this emboldened her to take even bigger leaps.
Then Celestia flapped her wings and noticed a gain in altitude. Working her wings, she covered the rest of the stairwell, making it to the floor below. All of a sudden Celestia was filled with super experience and flying like a pro. Instincts she did not have the day before kicked in and with two sharp turns, she cleared a second stairwell to land in an open hallway. Normally, the ten year old filly would have needed to rebound off the wall in order to change direction so quickly, but this was way, way, better. However, her elation was stifled as Celestia saw the multitude of ponies in the hall, all of whom were now staring at her.
The large gathering of all the pony tribes blew Celestia's mind. Weren't these ponies suppose to be bickering with each over about grown up things? Some dressed in similar colors to those of the castle. Others wore fancy clothes common to ponies visiting royalty. Celestia spied the familiar armor of the guards as they made their way through the crowd, trying to get to her. Apparently they were also aware that she was supposed to be kept up in her room. Celestia turned and galloped, spreading her wings to take off from the running start.
"Yes!" Celestia cheered with glee as she gained speed. She added a few more feet of height to fly over the heads of ponies in this ornate hallway. The tapestries in the hall were adorned with sun and moon images and must have been the main thoroughfare of the castle. Celetia again marveled at all the ponies below, all gasping and gawking at the flying filly. Why would an earth pony lord have so many other ponies from the different tribes congregating in his home? Maybe they were friends, but it seemed like he had a lot of them. Then again, maybe they were coming to pay their respects to and gain royal commission from his person. Maybe one of these ponies had found Luna and herself and turned them over to this pony. The things that some ponies will do for their own personal gain...
Down the hall and to Celestia’s left, a set of double doors glowed with magic and swung open wide. A group of earth ponies, pegasi, and a trio of unicorns emerged embroiled in a rather heated discussion. It appeared to center on a purple alicorn mare talking to a rather handsome unicorn stallion with a blonde mane, dreamy blue eyes and an awesome cutie mark. Wait, Celestia was not supposed to like colts, what was wrong with her?
"I have heard my share of disturbing offers, but this takes the cake." The purple alicorn said to the stallion. Her cheeks appear to be burning red from embarrassment or anger or both.
"Perhaps the timing was a mistake," said the stallion. He noticed a few glares from the other mares in the group and quickly added, "and perhaps the place as well. Surely you understand what it means to reassure the masses of the continued stability of Canterlot."
"Surely nothing, I am not marrying you." The purple alicorn snapped back at the stallion. Then she shuddered, almost like she was about to be ill. Celestia could not help herself but let slip a giggle. She realized her mistake as the ponies looked up towards her.
"Whoa-nelly," said an orange earth mare with cowboy hat, "she got loose."
"Oh, princess, come down from there; you might get hurt." said a yellow pegasus mare. Celestia gave her a questioning look as to how a flying pony could hurt herself while flying.
Instead, Celestia responded by blowing a raspberry at the group and flying away. She did not know why the alicorn was here in the castle with the rest of the ponies but-
Then it dawned on the little filly: "Wait, an Alicorn?" Celestia flared her wings to come to a stop. She turn towards the other alicorn and began to slowly return, hesitant to commit. The purple alicorn trotted towards Celestia. Judging by the look on her face, she seemed eager to meet Celestia. When she was close enough, the alicorn paused and beckoned Celestia to come closer to the ground and said softly, "It's all right."
As Celestia approached the alicorn, she started to ask, "Who are you? Is this your castle?" Did the ponies that reside in the castle work for the Alicorn? No, perhaps she was helping the ponies instead. That seem to make more sense. But how did she survive the-
“Twilight Sparkle, I thought you had the guards keeping an eye on her?” the unicorn stallion said. The interruption caused Celestia to stop and focus her attention on the louder pony. “We cannot have her flying around the castle causing an uproar.”
"Blueblood," began the Alicorn named Twilight, "now is not the time for this."
“Yeah.” A sky-blue Pegasus spoke up. She had the prettiest multicolored mane. “You are going to scare her.”
"Nonsense." Blueblood stomped and pointed a hoof at Celestia. "Young filly, you come down here this instant."
Celestia pouted at the demanding unicorn, crossed her forelegs and turned away from them saying, "No! Where's Luna? Where are you ponies keeping my sister?"
"Oh for ponies’ sake," Blueblood said. His horn glowed and the resulting aura surrounded Celestia. “Children should obey when commanded.”
Celestia squeaked as she became weightless and floated in the telekinetic spell. She took a major dislike to Blueblood. Did he not understand that all Celestia wanted was her baby sister. She did not understand why Blueblood was dismissive to alicorn Twilight when he should be happy to have an alicorn around. Ever since that horrible night...
Panic filled Celestia mind and she closed her eyes. Celestia’s horn ignited with a golden light and pulsed with energy.
“Uh, you might want to let her go, Prince.” Twilight said as her eyes widened.
“I will notaaaooowww!” With a crackle of explosive energy Blueblood reared back on his hind legs and fell. His spell dispelled by a little filly who should not be able to wield such fantastic power. The spell energy rebounded back into Blueblood so hard that he writhed in pain as if someone had bucked him in the head.
Celestia brought a hoof to her lower lip and started to regret using the spell. Even though the bully stallion had tried to capture her, the last thing that Celestia wanted to do was hurt other ponies with her magic. Her parents would have been most disappointed with her right now. Did this count as using drastic measures to protect herself and Luna?
A rush of wind was felt and Celestia reacted as the sky blue mare attempted to grab her. Celestia dove down low, scattering the group of ponies. She almost knocked off the orange mare’s hat in the process, but she was quick enough to dodge. Celestia could regret her mistakes later. Right now she had to find Luna and escape this castle. Perhaps later they could sneak back and try to learn something about the alicorn, Twilight Sparkle.
Celestia looked over her shoulder to see the rainbow mane Pegasus mare flying after her. Celestia, surprised at the mare’s speed, began to juke and dodge attempts to be grabbed. "Wow, you are fast," the filly said.
"The fastest flyer in Equestria." The mare grinned wide. "Rainbow Dash, wrangler of misbehaving fillies.”
"Oh no you're not." Celestia let her horn glow bright and whipped her small head around at Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash gasped and peeled off to dodge a bolt of magic. It never came though as Celestia used the light show to buy herself precious seconds and space to maneuver around the library. The interior was a grand place with rows upon rows of book shelves extending as far as the filly’s eyes could see. This vault of knowledge made Celestia’s heart skip a beat at the grand opportunity for learning: new things, old things, anything even. Yet another reason to sneak back here after finding her sister.
Celestia dove close to the floor among a row of bookcases with the hope of losing her pursuer. She spotted an empty spot in one of the floor shelves and packed herself inside. A moment later, she could hear Rainbow Dash fly overhead looking for Celestia. Celestia allowed herself a soft giggle at her own cleverness. Then she checked the row for anypony. While the way was clear for now, Celestia could hear others walking about. Some even called out to her and implored her to come out of hiding. That was not going to happen.
A quiet teleport, and she could leave them in here looking for her while she escaped back to the halls outside. Wait, why would Celestia think she could teleport? No one had ever taught her that spell, and Celestia had never attempted anything that complicated in her young life. Celestia winced as pain shot from the back of her head. Bringing her forelegs up, she bit her lip hard to keep from crying out. It felt like her head was about to split open from the raging pressure building up. Images danced before her eyes of a great mare doing wondrous things with magical might and cunning wisdom. She seemed so familiar. almost... almost like her...
“Mother?” Celestia whispered. She gritted her teeth and tried to get her breathing under control. Saying something seemed to release the pressure and it deflated just as quickly as it started. Celestia let the thoughts of high magic go away as well and focused on playing a very serious game of hide-and-go-seek with Twilight Sparkle and her friends. She was just a filly—a filly on a mission to recover her little sister from these unfamiliar ponies. Once they were away from the castle, Celestia would try to ponder what the images meant.
Once Celestia recovered from the headache, she scooted out of her hiding spot and tip hoofed down across the floor towards the end of the huge bookcases. So far this section was free of anypony, including Twilight friends. Celestia trotted across the floor to the next set of bookcases. The carpet floor provided enough soundproofing to keep her small hooves from being heard. It did nothing for the bigger ponies as a set of hooves could be heard coming Celestia's way. A quick look around scored Celestia a potted plant to hide behind as the yellow pegasus with pink mane paused at the end of the bookcases. Celestia squeezed herself close to the floor as much as she could as the yellow pegasus looked up the aisles for the disappeared filly. She seemed like a kind pony, but nevertheless, a pony that sought to catch her. The yellow pegasus made a distraught sound of worry and continued to another section. Celestia waited for a few moments before coming out of her hiding spot and continuing her direction towards a handy exit.
After several close calls and some creative use of the bookcases to avoid the ever-present overhead search, Celestia must have been close to the main doors; Though the familiar voices of Twilight and the others could be heard. The angry Blueblood must have found his voice again, since he was talking with Twilight.
"Really, Blueblood, you need to learn to be more gentle with children." Twilight said. "You scared the wits out of Celestia grabbing her like that."
"Why are you admonishing me?" Blueblood used an irritating whine that increased with each word he spoke.
"Should we start at the top of the list or randomly pick a topic, your majesty?" said the white unicorn mare with undisguised sarcasm.
Blueblood ignored the slight, turning to Twilight."Why haven't you made any progress into what or who did this to Princess Celestia?"
"Prince Blueblood, My friend and I just arrived in Canterlot after we received word of the attack." Twilight said with a tone of exasperation. She took a deep calming breath before continuing with, "And most of that time has been spent with you, consoling the noble houses, which, I might point out, you insisted that I do. A good idea except you tried to, to-"
"Twilight, darling, do not get yourself worked up again." The white unicorn mare said.
"Yes," Blueblood cut in, "we would not want you to run out of the room and retching into another potted plant because of a simple suggestion-"
"Urp."
"Oh come on!" Celestia could hear Blueblood backpedaling away from Twilight Sparkle.
After a few moments of deep breathing, Twilight said, "Stop bringing it up. I am stressed enough."
Celestia wanted to giggle but put both hooves against her mouth. She was having a hard time believing that these ponies could have evil intentions towards her sister and her. Even though they had separated Luna from Celestia, as far as she was concerned they had no right to do so.
Before Celestia could process the absurd situation,, a very pink earth pony popped out from the second row shelf, scattering books. "Hi! Are we still playing hide and go seek?"
Not knowing how the pink pony could stuff herself into the bookcase like that, Celestia realized it was time to run once more. She jumped from her hiding spot and darted down the row of bookcases to get away from the new pony pursuer.
"Oh, are playing tag now?" The pink pony giggled as Celestia rounded the corner. "I'm Pinkie Pie. How about we play a differen—waaait, come back!"
Not likely. Celestia’s legs were pumping again as she ran away from Pinkie Pie and ducked into another row of shelves. Celestia panted, as keeping up this pace started to wind her. Spotting an alcove with a bust on a wooden stand. Celestia ducked behind it to catch her breath. Ears held high to pick up sound of her pursuers, Celestia almost stumbled over when something landed on top of the stand. Looking up, Celestia gasped as Pinkie Pie sat perfectly balanced on the bust with all four hooves. Looking down at her, Pinkie Pie said, "Aren't you tired of all this running? Wouldn't you like something nice to drink? maybe a snack? Oh, you're running again, guess you're not tired yet..."
Celestia’s eye twitched as she put distance between herself and Pinkie Pie. Moving on pure adrenaline, Celestia did not stop till she was several bookcases away and sure that the strange pink pony could not find her so easily. It was not until her rear collided with the corner of a bookcase and sent her spinning to the floor that she stopped. Groaning, Celestia rolled onto her back. She felt worn out from the pursuit, from all the ponies that had chased her since she first opened her eyes in this strange castle. Celestia blinked as a book appeared overhead.
"Look, I found a book you might like." Pinkie Pie looked down at her again, almost nose to nose with her. "How about you let Auntie Twilight read to you?"
Celestia inhaled deeply and screamed. Okay, enough was enough. How this pink pony was able to keep up or find her so easily was more than Celestia wanted to think about. Pinkie Pie must have powers that Celestia had never encountered in her ten years of life. It appeared that Alicorn Twilight Sparkle friends were quite formidable.
Still, Celestia did not believe Pinkie Pie could fly and took a running leap into the air to get away from her pursuer.
"But it's a picture book with really cool pictures..." Pinkie Pie cried out from the floor.
Celestia flew above the tops of the library bookcases and sighed in relief. Her elation only lasted for a few seconds when she heard the whine of magic powering towards her. Celestia dropped low and pumped her wings as the chase began once more with Rainbow Dash in pursuit of her.
"Leave me alone you big bully!"
"We're trying to help you, princess." Rainbow Dash pulled up next to Celestia and tried to grab her.
"I don't want your help, I'm not a princess, I don't want to be here!" Celestia’s voice became more desperate and so did her actions. Instead of pulling away from another attempted grab by Rainbow, Celestia flew right into the larger mare to throw her off balance. Hearing a startled grunt, Celestia peeled away and tried for the opening doors. "I just want my sister back." Another close dodge and Celestia dived to the floor. The other ponies by the door looked like blurs till something heavy collided and force Celestia to the ground. The filly screamed out and tried kicking with all four legs at the orange attacker.
"Ow, ow, quit that youngin'." The orange mare said, trying to pin the unruly Celestia to the ground.
Celestia gritted her teeth and her horn began to glow again. She was not kidding this time. If these ponies were not going to leave her alone then she would make them. Celestia did not know where the attack spell came from but it came at an opportune time to blast the earth pony. She heard Twilight scream out a name, but the spell was charged and ready-
"Celestia!"
The room filled at once with the sound of a regal pony shouting—no, booming out Celestia’s name. The magic spell drained away and Celestia snapped her head towards the open library doors. She glimpsed the midnight blue alicorn that stood there. Celestia picked up quickly that this was a far older alicorn, many centuries Twilight’s senior. Quite a few conclusions jumped out at Celestia as ice gripped her stomach. Maybe Twilight Sparkle was not in charge of this castle. Maybe all these ponies might be servile to a far elder alicorn, an alicorn who knew well enough that alicorn fillies were not allowed to use their magic so carelessly against other ponies.
In other words, Celestia was in big trouble.
Celestia pulled herself into a tight ball, or as much of one as she was could manage. The earth pony got off her as shodded hooves stepped over to Celestia’s quivering form. Fetlocks covering her eyes, Celestia could hear the alicorn breathing next to her ears. There was no running away now. Running would just get into even more trouble. Celestia flinched as the alicorn spoke softly with a stern voice.
"You know you are not allowed to use your magic to hurt other ponies, young filly," the Alicorn said. "That was the first thing your parents taught you. You could have killed Applejack, lashing out like a wild animal."
Celestia continued quaking in response. Maybe the Alicorn would see that as a sign of understanding.
The alicorn stomped the floor with her shodden hoof, causing Celestia to squeal.
"I'm sorry," Celestia said, "but they would not leave me alone. They kept trying to grab me and hurt me."
"Hurt you?" The Alicorn scoffed. "These ponies were trying to keep you from hurting yourself, Celestia. Did you not see Twilight Sparkle? Did she not beseech you to behave yourself?" The Alicorn must have raised her head to speak over Celestia. "Of course, you knew better than the adults."
Celestia bit her lips at the scolding until the elder Alicorn mentioned Twilight Sparkle, then she exploded. "I don't know her. I don't know you! All the others are gone. Why are you still alive?"
The throb in Celestia head began again. Pounding from the back to the front as images played in closed eyes. That familiar white pony with the multicolored mane. Celestia paid little attention to the elder Alicorn as she gasped in surprise and took a step back. A whimper escaped Celestia muzzle as she rolled to her side and curled up tighter.
All those bodies. Celestia thought she had forced those images from her mind. All those familiar bodies...
Celestia snapped from the seizure as a hoof was gently place against her shoulder. The elder alicorn’s muzzle was close once more to her eyes as she quietly shushed Celestia. For a moment all was quiet till the elder alicorn said, "Be still Celestia. You need not relive those memories again.”
Celestia sniffled and tears squeezed from her closed eyelids. "I just want my sister back. Please, Matron, I promised her I would take care of her. Please? I promise I will behave."
"I know." The elder alicorn whispered. Then with a louder voice she said, "Open your eyes, Celestia."
Celestia pressed her fetlocks tighter against her eyes. She felt she was still going to be punished for her actions. Another stomp on the floor made Celestia flinch once more. She knew the elder Alicorn expected to be obeyed. With a soft inhale, Celestia rolled to her belly and looked up with her eyes opening. They grew wide as surprise shook the core of her small being.
The midnight blue Alicorn stood tall and regal, an ethereal mane of the night flowing from her head and neck. Her mane had to be made of the night as small sparkles of light twinkled in the darkness, surrounded by the translucent blue dusk. The mare was beautiful physically, but her eyes showed her age. Those familiar teal blue eyes that Celestia had recently looked into only a evening before.
"Lu... Lu...?" Celestia stop trying to form the words, her mouth falling open in surprise.
"Yes, sister, it is I." Luna said. She smiled down at Celestia. "I have been safe all this time. If only you were not so quick to react. You would have known."
"But, but, you're so old now."
Luna laughed softly, her eyes growing moist. "Yes, Cele', I grew up while you slept. Well and healthy, as are you."
Celestia studied Luna's eyes looking that she was lying to her. The deeper she look the more Celestia realized that this mare was Luna. With a soft whimper, Celestia rolled to her feet and leapt at Luna’s barrel. The surprise at finding her sister so much older now was replaced with relief that Luna was all right. Celestia had not failed in keeping her promise. "Oh Luna, you weren't eaten or married off to some weird pony."
As Celestia nuzzled her sister fur coat, she miss the cockeyed look Luna made. Then Celestia sniffled and clutched Luna tighter.
"I don't like it here, Luna." Celestia said. "I don't like this place at all."
Celestia felt Luna return her nuzzle as her sister's wings enveloped her. In the warm shadows of her sisters wings, Celestia heard Luna whisper, " It will be all right, sister. These are good ponies who will earn your trust. In order for them to explain what happen to you, you must trust them."
Celestia shuddered, her head began to ache again but somehow it was not as bad as before. Something about what Luna said seem to resonate in her soul. After such a long time in the forgotten wilderness of this land had the last of the alicorns finally found a place to call home?
**** ****
As Princess Luna comforted her diminutive sister, Twilight Sparkle looked on with her gathered friends. Twilight had not known the depth of the results of the attack against her mentor and friend. Seeing Celestia as a filly would have made for an amusing story, but Twilight knew Celestia had been reduced to this form only after fighting a fierce battle with an alien monster. A monster that had been hell-bent on attacking Celestia.
Twilight felt a hoof on her shoulder and she smiled at Applejack. She looked to each of the others —Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie—in turn. Twilight managed to find her voice to say to them, "Well girls, it looks like we’ve got our work cut out for us this time."
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More please!
Really liking this up to date, please continue!!
I think the story is strong enough on its own without Blueblood being here just to be a loser or a obstacle.
Let's see where this goes...
You have my attention...
Hhhhh... Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Too... cute...
And the FEELS, man! THE FEELS!
And right off the bat, this has become interesting. Please write more!
and we have word count problems again
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Can't tell if he's gonna be good or bad for the story, it hasn't been finished yet to tell.
But watching Blueblood trying a badly thought out grab for power (and trying to use Twilight Sparkle no less) should be amusing to see. Let's wait and see. :p
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6149996
He doesn't seem the type to engage in inane power grabs.
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In regards to Blueblood; he will have his part to play.
I can't really blame or hate Blueblood with his behavior towards Celestia, though a bit rude and mean, because the whole line of "Children should obey when commanded probably means he had the "children should be seen, not heard" mentality beaten into him that some high societies have, probably literally too.
I feel like this still needs a lot of technical editing. Watch for sentence fragments (there's one immediately after the opening sentence of the first paragraph). Try to find ways to make the writing more concise and eliminate excess wordiness and description that drags down the pace without contributing enough compensation in immersion-building. Use pronouns - for example, the first paragraph uses the proper name 'Celestia' far too many times when it could be replaced with 'she' or 'her' and still be completely comprehensible.
To shift gears and look at it in terms of content, this first chapter is a cutesy type scene that wins some superficial appeal points but I'm having trouble finding a deeper 'hook' here. This inexplicable situation is just kind of dumped on the ground in front of us to sort out and there doesn't seem to be much of a hint that this has a clearly intended direction in which to build into something overarchingly interesting as a longer story.
And yes, I'm aware that this is only the first chapter, but first chapters (first paragraphs, even) are where you either grab and hold a reader's attention, or you lose them over issues like these and they move on to a different story that does it better.
Cool story, but seems like you would improve from a Beta reader.
Also speaking of grammar, wouldn't Celestia speak in the same fashion as Luna did during NMM?
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The first two sentences were a tough decision for me when I was editing. It is a fragment, but I thought that breaking the rule here would add a stylistic touch: choppiness mimicking flashes of indistinct memories. In hindsight, perhaps separating the first two sentences with a comma would have been better in order to play it safe in the first paragraph.
Any other fragments you saw are probably misses. I'd appreciate any others you can find.
You are right about the pronoun issue. I noticed it but only stamped out some of the instances.
Thanks for the feedback. You made me realize that I was wrong to pull my punches with the editing; I probably did so because Gothicfox's second draft was monumentally better than the first, and I wanted him to see that. For a while I was even afraid he gave up after I tore apart the original.
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That's actually some brilliant fridge logic right there.
I finally see someone use the word "whom", and they use it incorrectly. Figures. It should be "who".
Aside from that, it looks pretty good so far.
6153163 The way I remember it is 'Always say 'To whom', never say 'To who''. 10 points if you get that reference.
This is looking to be a really good story. Keep writing.
6156355 Luna did not say "to whom"; she just said "whom". That's incorrect.
6157581 No, I meant... Never mind.
Corrected whom with who. Go have a nice fourth.
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Well thank goodness you fixed that one word. It was keeping me awake at nights...
Happy Fourth of July everyone.
MOAR?!?!!
6769533 Not to worry. Fox has editor working on the next chapter and should have it posted up shortly.
6828565 YAY!!!