Twilight Sparkle is summoned to Canterlot by Princess Celestia to receive new items to help maintain balance in the world with and learns about their origins in the process.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 5th Dec, 2012
- offline last seen April 24th
LyraAlluse
I am a professional writer, artist, musician, website builder, and app developer. I have a Tip Jar for those who might be interested.
LyraAlluse
Joined 5th Dec, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- LyraAlluse · 11k words · 27 1 · 613 views
Featured In83
Human in Equestria17,020 stories ·16,838 members
The Writers' Group56,548 stories ·9,303 members
- 'Zonie Bronies (Arizona Bronies)176 stories ·64 members
- Author Support4,373 stories ·2,070 members
Equestrian Historical Society637 stories ·826 members
Transformations5,252 stories ·5,797 members
- Bronies & Furries & Things Left Unsaid278 stories ·226 members
American Bronies3,788 stories ·1,062 members
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.084 seconds
Total duration
644 users online
802,379 hits today, 2,591,549 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Author's Note: I won't give away spoilers, but if you don't like previous generations or the ideas of humans being in Equestria, then this fan fiction might not be for you. I've given you a fair warning. If neither of these topics bother you, you may proceed.
Honest feedback incoming.
It's an interesting story with a good concept, but there's a lot of fairly heavy backstory being dropped very early on, which can tend to choke some readers, as opposed to spreading out the backstory across several chapters, which can make things easier to swallow. I think your story is the only story that I've seen that's used the prior gens, so kudos for that. That opens up a whole can of worms and it can be a dislike magnet, but I think you handled it relatively well.
There are some ropey grammar issues, but other than that I have no serious problems with this, will be watching with interest.
6317930 Cool. Thank you very much for the great feedback on my story. It was kind of a one-shot crack idea but I might consider expanding it into a longer story later on.
There is a certain open-and-closed feel overall. I agree with TLI that the thickness of the backstory is a tad much per-length—like an extra thick Texas steak. You could have found a part in the middle somewhere and divided into two parts, using a cliff hanger of sorts to connect them. Perhaps paced it out over three segments, depending on how you handle it.
Being largely unfamiliar with previous generations, I can't vouch for the faithfulness to it. But I feel the way you've connection G4 canon with previous generational facts is smooth and believable.
Yet I confess to having an issue with this, and it is entirely my own habits. If I make or reinvent a backstory for a character, I am never content to have it on its own. This work feels 'orphaned' to me in the sense that it is what it is and no more than that. You could tie this in with a larger work and it would benefit.
On a grammar side note, parenthesis are poor form when used in dialogue. If you want to have a vocal aside, then an em-dash, executed as follows—Ctl+Option+- on a Mac keyboard—is the only way to do it. Whether or not you want to put spaces before and after them depends on whether you are American or British: Britain grammar authorities will say you need the space, while American authorities don't. The following is the only example I caught, about a third ways down.
All that aside, this is a solid piece. Not the greatest, but a far cry from being bland.
6318700 Cool! Thank you so much for the great critiques. Also, thank you for catching that grammar error. I will be sure to fix it.
I've thought of maybe expanding this into a larger piece at some point down the road, but I kind of wanted to get the idea out there so I started off with writing it as kind of a one-shot.
Anyway, thank you again for all of the great feedback. I appreciate it.
Celestia as Megan, Luna is molly and Blueblood is danny?vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/4/4a/Mind_blowing.png/revision/latest?cb=20130304201731
6479314 It was just a random idea I had after watching the original series. The personalities and timelines seemed to fit.
6479324 Somehow I don't see Molly's and Luna's personalities matching up. I just don't think I'm Luna when I think of Molly and vice versa. Also, try as hard as I might, I cannot remember any jewels of kratar in the GEN one series
7095343 I thought of the old Luna's personality from the book The Journal of The Two Sisters. If you read that book you see that the very young Celestia and Luna are very much like Meagan and Molly from generation one.
Before I read
Why is this story Dark ?
7640391 There isn't anything disturbing in it or anything. It is more dark because of the subject of war and more mature topics that get brought up in it.
7640394 and it's rated E
7640466 Yeah. Because there are no gruesome details or anything. You will see when you read. There really isn't anything darker than what you would see in the show.
Blueblood is one word. Also, how is this a crossover?
9003443 Yeah, it's more like an 'alternate timeline' type of story.
Nice story so far! LOL, you're adding like 10 or more of your stories to folders which are giving me a lot of feed right now, LOL!
I really liked your story, good job, I'm waiting for more about similar topics ...
👍👌
9194774 Thank you so much for all of the story favorites and the kind comment on this story. It is very much appreciated. :)
9235110 Thank you so much for the kind comment on my story and the favorite. Both are very much appreciated. Also, thank you for the watch. I will add you as a friend as well. :)
9235172
you're welcome :)
9235179 Keep on being awesome. XD
9235219
thank you, how nice ...
9235251 You are very welcome.
9235169
YW!
9245367 Keep on being awesome. :)
9246278
Thanks :3
9250683 You are very welcome. :)