This story is one about a person named Charlie that will find himself in a completely unexpected place. He will have to do whatever a newly found mysterious entity tells him to do or face the consequences. What are the consequences you may ask? We don't know yet. Who is this mysterious entity? Again, we don't know yet. Who is Charlie exactly? If you want the answer to these questions and more, read onward.
This is my first story and, at the moment a test story, to see where things will lead. However, I want you to critique me as hard as you can. Just because I'm new to this does not excuse me from making good stories. Be as strong as you want to be, but intellectual at the same time.
This story is one that I'll be making up as I go along. If this story works out, I hope to use it to build on one universal world. Should I begin work on the major project I will be using this story as a "boarder" for how the universe will be shaped.
(NOTICE: need to spend some time thinking about where this story is going. While that is going on, I'm going to try firing off some quick ones to get a feel for the fimfiction deal).
Okay, some notes:
- The description is too vague. Why would I read a story where I have no idea what it's supposed to be about or what themes it might touch on?
- What does Charlie look like? We get no physical description of Charlie. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, as if the reader is supposed to place themselves into Charlie's shoes to some extent, but none the less I've come out of the first chapter not knowing anything about his appearance.
- What is Charlie like? Your paragraph describing his wondering about staying in his hometown is the only insight we get into Charlie's personality. We never get to see what he's thinking because we're only reading what's happening. If we're going to see the world through Charlie's eyes we need to know what he's feeling, and that isn't coming through.
- Why is Charlie always talking to himself? This ties into the previous comment because I think if you put more effort into describing Charlie's thoughts and point of view, you wouldn't need to have him announce his thoughts aloud. Also, at one point he's doing the dishes with a plate in his mouth and immediately makes a comment. What happened to the plate? Did it fall and smash?
- "That message and the memory that came with it meant a lot to Charlie." Why? Explain Charlie's feelings and emotions. Saying the mirror meant a lot to him - enough that he stared at it for what felt like hours - isn't enough, we need to know what the feelings he was having were. Delve in!
- What happened to his parents? Are they around, or are they gone?
- Is the face a pony face? A person face? Great Cthulhu's face? More description, please!
The key point I want you to take away from this is that Charlie seems to be our point of view character, but if you don't help us understand what he's thinking or why he does the things that he does, he's nothing more than an empty shell. What I've learned about Charlie thus far is: 1) He talks to himself 2) He has an important mirror 3) He likes grass 4) He doesn't like chores 5) He is surprisingly calm about voices in his house. All of this can be addressed with more description and more perspective into Charlie, plus it would likely bump your word count dramatically.
Chapter 2 Notes:
- Grammar stuff I put in the document. There's more than I pointed out (I'm not really an editor) but the ideas behind the corrections should be enough to give you the idea.
- Charlie doesn't seem at all shocked about his situation, or convey much emotion about it at all. He doesn't seem very surprised about a talking pony and accepts it very quickly. The same applies to Lyra
- “Lyra seemed to be very insistent on the subject of going to this town” no, she asked politely if he’d like to go
- I was going to comment about Ponyville breaking into mass hysteria upon seeing Charlie for the first time, but upon reflection that sounds about right.
- “a particularly large building that didn't look like any of the others” Is this Twilight's castle? Pretend your reader doesn't know about My Little Pony when you're telling the story, or at least doesn't know what things look like. This also applies to characters. Remember, since Charlie is the point of view character, we need to get his view on how things are.
- I got whiplash in the paragraph where everyone goes from fearing Charlie to friendly chats and questions. Why not add something where their fears are addressed? What did Twilight say to get everyone to change their minds? This can't be hand waved away, otherwise why bother adding it in the first place?
- Meeting Twilight's friends is too quick, it seems more like it was tossed in haphazardly. Introduce Charlie to the characters and their personalities individually, because right now it seems like you're just adding it for the sake of adding it.
- We've had no indication that Charlie was exhausted, his collapse is too sudden. If you're going to collapse out of exhaustion you feel it hours before.
Again, main point from the first chapter still stands. We need more description, especially when it comes to Charlie's point of view. Properly describing things would easily extend your word count and would draw in readers. Remember: "show" don't "tell"