Just your friendly neighborhood Attention deficit, Autistic, Anxious, Alcoholic, Abnormal, Antisocial, Amateur Author and Artist. Or as I lovingly call it; AAAAAAAAA!
All Nightwing ever wanted was a simple life. Was that to much to ask for? Apparently it was, after his family died and his home destroyed. Nightwing became the student of Princess Luna hoping to one day be able to make up for what happened. Or so he thought.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Alrighty.
First of all, I will say I enjoyed reading this. It does show promise.
However. There were four things that stuck out as missed opportunities. Not errors as such. For instance:
You mentioned Nightwing's usual morning routine, but didn't tell us what it was. This was an opportunity to further introduce your main character and any idiosyncrasies he might have, any habits that he always does / doesn't do.
You establish early on that the main thrust of the story is set in Ponyville but, you don't describe the setting very much. I know we can all imagine what Ponyville looks like - but this is your Ponyville. How do you want it to look? what do the buildings look like? what does it smell like? is it modern, contemporary Earth? Is there technology? If yes, why? If no, why? Tell us. Paint that picture so we see what you see.
There are large sections of dialogue where you don't tag who is saying what to whom. Are they stood there stock still as they speak? Do they gesticulate? Do they give a wry smile, are they sad, happy, frustrated, annoyed? We don't know unless you tell us.
Finally you miss capital letters for your characters full names. As in Flash sentry, or Comet tail. Both parts of the names need capitalisation.
Please, please, please don't be disheartened by my comments. In spite of what's not there, there is plenty that is there. The characters are perky, bright. We get them almost straight away; we understand them and can imagine them as physical beings. The dialogue, while not tagged is not clunky, it's neat and to the point.
All in all i'll be reading the rest of this with pleasure. Have a thumbs up!
6719305
Okay, well to start thank you for telling me this. First I want to say that I wanted to include Nightwing's daily routine but the last time I did that a lot of people didn't like that. Also I just now edited the place where Nightwing stays. As for sentences that didn't describe how ponies are talking it's because the two are talking back and forth with the same tone and expression as before. Also I never knew you needed to capitalize the last names. Thank you very much.