This story is a sequel to Origins - Selune Darkeye
Terra Lionmane is an earth pony aspiring to become Royal Guard Captain. This is the moment his dreams are realized.
However the earth pony’s phoenix companion, Fenix, has grown ill. His feathers are shedding, his fire burns low, his last breaths are at hoof. It’s a crucial time with two possible results:the phoenix’s rebirth, or his permanent death.
Sometimes… even dreams must be sacrificed to stand by in a friend’s trials.
Author's notes:This is a one-shot about my OC Terra Lionmane, that may star others, and is about his phoenix Fenix.
Cover art colored by:http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Pedro+Hander
Original by:http://www.fimfiction.net/user/marking
Entry for contest:http://www.fimfiction.net/group/204577/weekly-contests/thread/172591/story-contest-20-animal-companionship
WE GOT SECOND PLACE! Scratched the top!
Thanks to my editor kildeez
I didn't really know what I was getting into at first, whether I'd like this, or love it.
This will go far, I know it, even if it's just one chapter
5969695 If you want to know more about the characters I suggest you read my "Quest for Knowledge" fic. They are the protagonists in it. At least two of them.
Btw does this mean you like it? Did I do well?
I really enjoyed this little snippet. Even though it was a one-shot, I got a really good sense of the characters, and I enjoyed their interactions. Well done!
One quick typo though: your title has "Frienship" instead of "Friendship" written in it. I'd hate to see people turned off of such a wonderful story because of a small error such as that.
5969727 Thanks for informing me! I really appreciate it! Thanks for taking time to comment as well. If you would like to know more about the characters of this fic here then you can go and read my "Quest for Knowledge" fic. You don't need to have read this fic, and I hope you will enjoy it!
This is one of the most if not the most glorious stories I've read.
5969744
I shall certainly check it out, and you are most welcome! Also, it's funny how Fiery Friendship has some small parallels to stories of my own, specifically the mention of old tales and the necromancer.
5969751 D'aaaw thanks! You flatter me!
5969756 You totally earned it.
5969755 Oh? I'd love to discuss this more! Please by all means send me a pm!
5969766 Once again thanks.
5969704 Yes, you did an amazing job with this! One thing that stood out to me the most was how similar your prose is to mine. We both use a LOT of commas. ^-^ And other things too, or course~
Alright, I'll check that out when I get the time, thank you!
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5969776 About the commas thing. Eh you'd have to contact my editor on that. I mean I'm not that great in the english grammar, but with his help I've been able to improve a lot. Plus LOTS AND LOTS of reading. No seriously... A LOT of reading.
5969803 You seem to be replying to everyone just fine, but I know what you mean. You can only keep improving, though, too. ^3^3^3^
I can too, really
5969816 I do have to say that having a profieciency decree or generally an english diploma in no way helps you become a fanfic author. What I mean to say is that through interactions with people, writing, hanging out on forums... I've learned the english language through use rather than study. I am Greek btw. And thanks for the follow!
5969851 Same here. I've been writing for a few years now, even before the time I joined here, and I've done nothing but looked at my past work, and learned from it. Again, there's a long way to go, but it's never that far ^-^
And you're very welcome, friend~
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I shall once I am at home, mate! Cheers!
I heard there were aweseomesauce points up for grabs?
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5969890 Appreciated!
5969938 Oh yes! *BOOM!* Part canon awesomesauce points rain!!!
Where did you get the name of the bird?
5970336 Castle Age
5970336 If you mean the Raven however partly from Cardfight!! Vanguard.
5970589 Okay.
I meant the phoenix. It reminded me of something.
5972094 As I was saying tho Castle Age Facebook. There is a phoenix boss named Fenix.
Pretty good.
As someone who has grown up and lost a lot of pets (lost 3 dogs, 2 cats, 2 mice, and a hamster, but he was a dick) I am very aware of what it is like to hold an animal in your arms while it is dying. (One of my cats had a stroke. It's quite terrifying.)
My only concern while reading this was: it's a phoenix! Those things die and come back, right? Well, you did good to add some conditions to it, but I only read them after my thoughts on "you know it will come back, right?" came up.
Still, you did a very good job with the characters and the feels. Pacing was good, but I probably would have stretched it out a little bit at the key moment to let the suspense build a little.
All in all, it was a good short read.
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I may not have had any pets myself ((the dogs my grandpa has obviously don't count...)) but that doesn't mean I don't know what it is like. I am not saying that I have to have personal experience to write this, but reading helps.
Reading...
As a kid in high school and a bit before that we used to read as part of our school classes about various subjects. All of them involved death, death, death... No seriously it was so fucking boring that I got bored. However those literary works were made during times my country Greece was either occupied or in poverty. There's the tale of the small donkey being whipped by the kid to crush the hay so it can be harvested ((they didn't have machinery back then so they used animals stomping the crops. They tied them to the center and repeatedly made circles)). The kid of course didn't want to do this, but he had to eat and aid his family. It was a tale about how hard circumstances force us to mature early.
There was also another tale with the dog with rabis. Again at those times rabis medicine/antibiotics were on the early stage/didn't exist for all diseases. That meant that if e.g. you got infected by rabis there was an almost 100% mortality rate. The only way to avoid it was to prevent it. So the tale goes that a farmer family had a dog, and you know... loyal and all, but one day the an infected dog passed through their farm. The family's dog fought with it and managed to repel/kill it but in the process it got wounded, and was likely infected by rabis himself. The author describes how the father of the family decided to put him out of his misery and brought a revolve to kill it. The dog of course doesn't understand and thinks the revolver is part of a game of fetch. The father couldn't look at the dog while he did it so he turns and pulls the trigger. A tale of loyalty, devotion, and sacrifice. A bittersweet one.
And then there's Argos the dog of Ulyssees ((I'm spelling it incorrectly I am sure because his real name is Odysseus)). The dog of the King of Ithaca who waited 20 WHOLE YEARS for his master to return. He had been left in a state of degradation by the "lovely" individuals that courted his wife. If I remember correctly he rose one last time before he died when the scent of his disguised master entered his nostrils.
Another tale is Bucephalus Alexander the Great's horse that feared his own shadow. The young prince tamed him by figuring out his fear and managed to form a great bond with him. Also fun fact:Bucephalus was the name of one the mares/horses of Diomedes on of the 12 labors Hercules had to do. In any case the King's horse died during one of his conquests and the King created a whole city in his name.
There's also Babieca of El Cid buuuuut I don't exactly remember that one.
Here's the thing though... if phoenixes are so imprevious to death... why doesn't everyone have one? Now I know what you might say "They are rare". But... that doesn't do it at all. I mean sure, but if they are immortal one could always take one, breed it, and make like an army of those.
Dumbledoore has a phoenix, why doesn't anyone else? What makes him special? Is it because he's a big important guy that is all "special" and needs a "special" pet? Harry Potter didn't have a special pet. Gandalf didn't have a special pet ((NO THE HORSE DOESN'T COUNT)). Of course phoenixes have natural enemies, but that doesn't stop the how powerful they are. This lead me to two conclusions:Either one must bond with the phoenix adequately in order to be able to keep him/her as a companion, or there's another trick to it.
In our case it's both. Fenix bonded with Terra because his mane reminded him of something familiar. Terra was probably weirded out at first, but being a knight, and understanding the impression he made he embraced his role. Of course with having a phoenix as a pet come some perks. Like the phoenix is a strong warrior's companion ((shooting fiery feathers, or even small beams, or blinding sunlight)) is more than helpful with a few pecks. I mean... think of how Quinn and Valor work... something like that. Anyways before I derail more a phoenix's flame is both the life of his body, and that of his soul. To reincarnate his/her soul must be largely intact. The ashes mustn't be scatted, he/she must be calm you know. I wanted to reveal it a bit slowly, not shove it all out of the way and be done with it...
True true. As you can guess this is kinda contest material, and the idea kinda pushed itself two days before. I am bad at 2 things... intros and endings. But once I get going I am fine.
I appreciate the time you took to read this. Many thanks!
5975035
You've mentioned a lot of good stories, many of which I am familiar with.
But are you familiar with "Where The Red Fern Grows?"
I don't think I've ever cried so hard from a book. Ever.
And I didn't cry while reading "My Little Dashie"
5975060 No I didn't know that.
I didn't either.
This was a good story, simple, yet heartwarming in the most intelligent of ways.
6037387 Thanks! Mighty appreciated.
Amazing story. You know in ancient time the phoenix was used as a symbol of not only rebirth, but also renewal. It represented the cycle that runs through all of us and served as a reminder that for every tragedy and every death comes a new life and a bright light. I think it can be applied here as well since the Phoenix's 'death' brought Selune and Terra even closer then they could hope and the rebirth was also their own rebirth as better friends with a stronger bond. Of course, i could be just speculating, but it certainly seems that way to me. The style in which this work was written is a very profound and intelligent on and it has a distinct flavor to it, which is always a plus in my book. I like it when authors have that certain intrigue and spark in their work that just makes the read that much more satisfying: Your OCs here were both intriguing, likable and distinguishable, which is just amazing. The descriptions were some of the best I have seen in a long time and the raw emotion was ever present. You could really feel when Tera held Fenix to his muzzle and how he cared for the bird. There is a strong connection between both Fenix and Terra, as wellas with Terra and Selune. The scenes here were very emotional and it really did tug at my heartstrings at times. This work is really wonderful and I wonder what else you have in store. I'll be keeping a close eye
6244829 Thanks. It was also considered an ill omen if the phoenix didn't combust upon flames to be rebirthed later. And they do have a limit in their lifespan. I am also writing another story with those two.
6244911 It actually makes me wonder how would a phoenix dying actually look like? I always thought it would be less of a combusto to ashes death and more of a going cold.
And do inform me when you publish that sequel. i'd really want to read it.
6244923 More like prequel.
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5975060 Prequel posted!
6268760
WOOHOOOOO! I'll give it a read for sure!
6268760 Thanks!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
All right, grammar. I'm not the best myself, and I hate giving scale opinions on art. You have some errors here and there, some of them just typos, some of them being ridiculous. Let me bring some of them to your attention.
An instant birch in the form of spruce. I'm afraid this sentence means nothing, at least to such an unenlightened soul as me.
Small typo, unless that was intentional. It's just a build-up to the bomb though. The bomb being:
Well, I know where I came from—but where did all you zombies come from...
I know it's explained further in the same sentence, but this is the idea your readers will get, or at least those with minds as broken as mine. I believe this sentence would've been clearer if you separated it, maybe like "His father, Armoured Blaze, earth pony (...), his mother, Midnight Shield, the batpony (...)" But overall, the grammar is all right for a story written in two days.
Onward to the flaws before we can love this story into oblivion! The suspense, as someone probably noted, is a bit short. You could've reviewed this fic, or edited it a bit, but you didn't. Therefore I'm poking you about it.
There're a few instances where you don't use the pony neologisms (Everyone instead of everypony) but I suppose it's a minor thing.
Selune's backstory is majorly underplayed, if it comes to the emotional aspects of it. It feels like an encyclopaedia entry, sadly, and it could've been far better. Perhaps you could shorten it, we don't need to hear all of the details. I've noted you did the emotions fairly well when Selune was waking up (the hatred toward the clock), I didn't enjoy the lack of them here.
All right, good things. You've some attention to detail, which is good. It allows to flesh your characters out a bit more, it allows to make the story more believable too.
As I've noted, you can indeed write down some emotions. Not much of your story is emotion-inducing (the build-up is a bit small for that) and we don't get quite enough of what it means for our main character to become a captain, but nonetheless, the emotions of characters themselves are well described. It's just a bit hard for an outside reader to fit in the shoes of these characters.
Mind you that I'm a purist bitch, and always believe a story should be able to stand on its own, even if it's a sequel or a prequel to something. This story does.
Well, overall, a good fic, but you should get an actual grammar proofreader for this. You get a thumb up nonetheless. It'd be nice if you could look over Homeworld Conflict for me.
6318339
What do you mean? Well if as a cover it seems improportional or whatever to the box or it seems small or something I blame fimfiction.
Haven't you heard of an adrenaline rush?
What? I don't see it.
While I corrected this I still don't understand what you meant by this.
This IS actually edited a bit. At least grammatically speaking by Kildeez.
Where? I suppose it's not but if it matters I could change em.
True, I guess I could edit it a bit and say that she remembered her own past, but shook it off not wanting to dwell on memories but rather focus on the present. But then that could be a fault in itself. Dunno.
What do you mean purist bitch? You know this isn't a direct sequel but it is a "continuation". This story was written BEFORE its prequel. It didn't have the prequel planned.
It has. His name is Kildeez and I will check it out only one thing tho. Do I have to do the same again with another story of mine? I mean reccomend something or stuff.
6318534
I meant, scale, as in, X out of ten, for example. I don't usually give numbers to art.
Thing is, you could mean an energy shot. I wouldn't say a caffeine shot. A caffeine is a chemical compound, just as adrenaline is one. Our body can't produce caffeine.
"Twoenty" I believe it should be twenty.
Why, it's a reference to A. R. Heinlein's story "All You Zombies." Thought the reference was adequate as a joke ^^
Thing is that you could've done this short, but sweet. There's too little of actual description of emotion, of how afraid your character was of what happened and all that.
Heheheh. Well, I simply meant that I stick to some rules far more than I should, and often poke fanfics for something they shouldn't be poked for. But you shouldn't be whining about that part ^^ I did say this story stands on its own. It was a positive comment.
Ah, yeah, you did have an editor. Maybe he missed some stuff. But nvm, people do. And to the second sentence: I've no idea. I think one should prompt the other person to edit only if they've edited of their own free will, but I haven't the slightest clue really.
And I can't help but be concerned. Are you all right? Have I upset you with this review? I'm sorry if I did. I do find the fic good, I've upvoted it. I just found some things that could need improving, but most of that is just my personal opinion.
6318586
fair enough. In any case it's not mine. This is just a colored sketch.
There are caffeine "shots" as in there are ways to give caffeeine through syringe directly to the blood. We often don't use the term "shot" literaly, I think it stands more like "dosage".
My bad. Rly I just thought it was like that. Eh editor didn't change that so I did and I made a mistake.
Oooh. Sorry. I am Greek and a lot of the stuff you guys read I probably haven't.
Right. I guess it's a bit tiring to restablish a character's backstory each time I create a new fic. Eh.
I am not whinning. I just didn't understand.
No i meant when I do see your story, should I continue the cycle and promote one of my own?
No quite honestly it's fine and I welcome it. I'm perfectly calm about it.
6322798
My gosh, I'm apparently sleeping whenever I write to you. I didn't mean any least bit about that editing part ^^ I meant that, in my opinion, one should prompt the other person to review for them only if they've reviewed a fic only of their own free will (as in, a counter-review doesn't get counter-counter reviews) but honestly I haven't the slightest clue. You'd need to look through the group's forums, I believe. I haven't found anything relevant thus far.
Hmmm. I know there are caffeine shots. My problem was with the sentence. You see, "caffeine shot in the form of adrenaline" means nothing because caffeine and adrenaline are two different things. You could say, "an instant energy shot in the form of adrenaline" or "an instant energy shot in the form of caffeine" but never the way you phrased it. I COULD be an "instant adrenaline shot caused by caffeine." Also, it wouldn't work the other way around, as in, "an instant caffeine shot caused by adrenaline" because our bodies can't produce caffeine, only adrenaline.
Thing is, the pathway to creating good characters is to establish a character backstory each time you create a new character ^^ And my problem wasn't with the backstory itself, but with the way it was told. It could've been cropped up a bit, and told with slightly more emotion, to work far better.
Ah, I meant, I didn't want to rate on a scale the grammar of the story, as the group usually prompts me to. I don't like using numbers to written word, or basically anything that isn't science. The art itself, however, is really badass ^^ It's one of the better covers I've seen.
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It's 4 in the morning here. Not surprised. :P
I see. Interesting.
I could make it simpler. Yes it's a bit convoluted.
I understand what I meant is that this isn't the first fic I've made about these characters. Their backstories are sorta long but I guess what i could say it that Selune's coat was originally white but slowly turned black since she was afflicted with Mortis Magicae ((Dead Magic)) at birth which crept all over her like a darkness emerging from her eyes. Darkeye you see isn't a random name, she had black eyes when she was born. I guess I could bring that up.
I don't like numbers either. I don't trust my judgement.
Hmm...
6428256 Can I help?
6428261 No. Just thinking.
6428266 You liked the fic?
6428293 Somewhat.
6428720 Alright anything I can help you with I am here.