Sky Sprinter seems like a normal pony, it helps that his whole life has been spent in Equestria. But events like the Canterlot Invasion and Tirek have forced a secret of his to come out. Discovery brings consequences for those with secrets and Sky's secret is no longer able to be hidden.
Rated T for Teen for language (not much), violence (I don't even know if I'll put this in), and most of all: paranoia on my part.
Tags: I've decided to just call thing a slice of life as it's quite tame for now and I have no idea on how to add any action at this current place (As of September 8th, 2015). So yeah.
This is my first story on this website and the second story I've written overall. As of May 5, 2015, I have 5 chapters up on Fanfiction and the reception seemed fair enough so I've gotten the courage to upload this story up onto the rough and tumble community of Fimfiction. Please rate fairly and be constructive in your criticisms, although I've probably opened the gates to hell in that respect. Also, I think it's fair to say that this story would have never happened if I had never read Blissey1's A Novel Tale, that story took my interest of changelings and inspired me to make my main OC a changeling, and he also created a headcanon that I've used as a base for my own headcanon, which has been changed quite a bit since I first started writing this story. Anyways I hope y'all like this story of mine.
I can find a lot of things wrong with this.
But this is good.
5958911 Thanks and may you tell me what the wrong things were? I'm always open to improving my writing.
5958948 Your grammar was decent, the only thing wrong isn't really bad. There's just a few overused scenarios.
5959052 I see. Thanks for checking this chapter out, I hope to get chapter 2 up tomorrow.
Great job.
5966989 Thank you and I'm glad you have enjoyed the story so far
I've read your work so far.
The good.
Decent writing and good grammar.
I also liked the family scene and him being introspective.
The bad:
It goes too fast.
Examples:
In the first few paragraphs you have Pinkie, Derpy, Doctor, 4th wall breaking, and the Tardis.
In chapter 3, you have him go from introspective to playing with the Tardis.
Currently the relationship development between him and Derpy and Whooves is: "Lets be Friends!" "Ok" "Sure you can try to reverse engineer the Tardis!"
Suggestion:
You've done a good job with the family life scenes, but the Tardis/Doctor scenes are rather clunky and stick out. Unless having him travel through time is vital ... you should probably cut the part about him knowing about the Tardis. It distracts from the main story of his family, life and him trying to deal with having to always lie about his true nature and I assume the eventual reveal.
Go ahead and have him be a friend of Derpy and the Doctor. I would also strongly recommend adding more scenes for supporting his relationships.
Remember show, not tell. Throw in some scenes of his sister foalsitting Dinky. Show them taking their little sister with Derpy, Whooves, Dinky to a play together. etc. etc.
The Indifferent:
I personally don't like it when Pinkie Pie breaks the fourth wall in fanfiction. I know some do like it, but I personally find it very distracting.
Grammar:
Story Description:
hidden
That's all I have. I hope my criticism was constructive.
6001287
Ooh my first extended critique. Let's see... hmm... alright....
Thanks for that. I was wondering about how quick I was going, pacing was something I was wondering about while writing these three chapters and might be a thing to worry about when chapter 4 and 5 come out with that information. You are the 3rd person who's told me about the pacing of the story and now it's time for me to fully appreciate the advice and slow 'er down. And thanks for telling me about the derp in the description, I'll get onto fixing that one. I like the idea of having more interaction with Derpy, Dinky, and the Doctor and I think I'll include that sometime. Once again I thank you for taking the time to read this story and making that nice critique.
I saw that you updated your fic and took another look.
Chapter 4, felt rushed.
(It could be slowed down a bit more, but it's much, much better than the previous chapters on pacing)
Chapter 5... was much better.
6049051
On Chapter 4: Yeah, I don't remember the circumstances of the weeks of me writing that one. It did feel a bit rushed though. I think I ran out of steam when I was writing that one.
On Chapter 5: Thanks, it's nice to know that I did better on that chapter than 4.
On the review overall: Thanks for another comment, it's nice to see people enjoying my work. It really keeps me going, writing-wise. Writing is fun and all, but it turns into a chore when you have no one to appreciate it so I thank you and everyone who's read this fanfic.
Nice chapter.
6117058
Thanks, and to say sorry for my absense I'm gonna release a chapter today and on saturday, computer access pending. I'm gonna try to do bi-weekly releases until the internet at my house is back up so my friend's house and my local library will have to be my upload spots.
>>sky sprinter
Good luck
6131373
I get a feeling I messed up the last comment....
6132034
It's aight
Hey I'm back. So...... review number 2 time!
The good:
Your writing skills are much improved.
You are doing a much better job at storytelling.
The Mediocre:
Some of the conversations feel... off. They don't feel natural.
Time jumps (flashbacks) within a chapter... they break the flow of reading. Try to have as few of them as possible.
The bad:
Nothing I really call bad. Just work on getting conversations better.
6297841 Thanks for the review
Thanks for the complements and I'll keep on working on those conversations.
Wanna bet?
6404609
You'll love the beginning of the next chapter.
5 bits
And thank for that comment, I like comments, they are like bite-sized likes, with a splash of Twilight's curiosity.
Wow I'm good.
Excellent chapter by the way.
6431861
And thanks for reading!
You spotted it from a mile away,
6436679 Keep the chapters coming and I'll keep reading.
And 5, very important, 5! Don't let me eat pears! I hate pears!
[youtube=SEVK3j4wJvU]
Pinkie pie (Element of Laughter) disagrees
Applejack (Element of Honesty) disagrees
Rainbow Dash (Element of Loyalty) disagrees
Rairty (Element of Generosity) disagrees
Fluttershy (Element of Kindness) disagrees
It was, this is a line from Fallout Equestria
I FOUND THE MAIN SIX!!!
And apparently this story shall never be told sadly.
More?
I laughed a little too hard at that!