Rarity and Sweetie Belle are walking home from school together and Rarity saves Sweetie Belle from getting hit by a car, however Rarity winds up getting hit instead will she be ok, let's find out together?
Chapters (3)
dbzponyninja
Joined 7th Jul, 2012 ·
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I put a thumbs-down because this was really rushed. It basically was like, "Rarity got hit by a car, she went to the hospital, she got better, the end,"
I mean, you should add more into it instead of just that.
And since you said that chapter three was the end, make sure to mark the story as complete! That part confused me into thinking there would be more, and I'm sure the same happened to others.
MLPLover852
Did you read when I was last modified? that was today! no wonder he still has to edit
way too fast. everything happens way waaaaaay too fast. the first paragraph alone could easily have been expanded to 600+ words. how was school? what were their days like? why did Sweetie walk into the flow of traffic? was she in a bad mood, upset over bullies or just not concentrating?
when the ambulance arrived how was Rarity treated? what were her injuries?
when Sweetie called Rarity's friends what were their reactions? what were their thoughts?
way too much tell and not anywhere near enough show. i don't want to downvote this as the idea has a lot of promise, but i can't upvote it either.
slow it down. please i beg you slow it down. everything happens so fast i'm just not immersed in the story.
6047785 i have to agree with you. this could easily have been 10,000 words or more. there's no description, no immersion. too much telling and not enough showing.
its a shame because the idea of the story has merit, its just this execution is so rushed its not funny.
6047869
I know that. And I understand that he needs editiing. I'm just giving constructive criticism.
ok love the story but it needs work the story is too rush how about rewriting it take your time to look over it. another thing I notice is when the characters talk or make dialogue it doesn't sound right
Your description as a whole could be revised. Don't ever say something like "Will she survive? Lets find out." It just takes away from the experience as a whole.
6048713 Nice suggestion, I'll take that into consideration with my next story.
6047869
Editing should be done before the chapter goes up, not after.
I completely agree with Dusk Melody. It was way too fast... It lacked emotion too. There was a bit of it but not really too much...
Way too fast. Also lacking grammar and punctuation.
The idea was good... But it was too rushed. (ya, I know I said this three times...) It's better to make something later but good then making something bad quickly.