It's been a few years, but it finally happened. Rarity finally told him it just wasn't gong to work out. Now all Spike wants to do is sit in his room and wallow in his misery. Fortunately, Rainbow Dash has other ideas. After all, she needs a partner for the Equestrian Unity Challenge and he could use some time away from home. Of course, making a partnership work is hard enough without the introduction of unexpected rivals or unexpected feelings.
(Written for the fourth SpikeDash competition. As this is under some constraints as a contest entry, this may see later expansion.)
(Thanks to Rocinante for pre-reading/editing.)
Chapters (1)
Hopefully u continue this
This was pretty good, thanks for the read
This was a nice read, but I do have one problem with it: I have no idea what Spike actually looks or feels like as a reader. From Rainbow, he's implied to be much bigger and is stronger than any pony short of Big Mac, yet Spike still tries to hide behind Rainbow at the introduction of the unity challenge, which is confusing. It's a little hard to be fully invested in a story when half the time I feel like I have no idea what it would actually look like if I was there. It's a still a good read, that one point is just my little gripe.
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I think I just didn't have a natural point to work it in, but I was aiming for basically the first stage of his greed growth in Secret of my Excess—the size he was when Twilight took him to the doctors and Zecora. But, this being natural growth instead of magically enhanced growth triggered by a hoarding instinct, his proportions are more natural instead of the awkward appearance he had in that episode.
This was great. Fun, cute.
A few issues though. First "Dash had gathered up their gear—now lighter by one sleeping back" should be "bag", not "back". Two, the resolution is a little quick. I like the peck on the cheek, but it still feels kinda sudden. Cute, but sudden. And it seems a bit much that Dash just suddenly blurts "I gave up on romance, explain explain, but now I want you". For me, it is a little too cliche to have the "I gave up on romance, but you made me reconsider". It would have worked just as well with "romance just haven't really been a priority". Makes it a little less melodramatic.
Also, you need to hint at Spike's size. Natural places would have been at the registration (mention that the clerk looks up at where he expects a pony head is and then note that he has to look further up, and indicated how much further up" and the point when the other contestants look around for the dragon, that would have been a natural place to give a little description. Also, you need to mention at some point whether Spike walks on two or four limbs.
I don't quite get the maze either. I get a general idea, but I don't really understand how the surroundings and the mechanism works.
Still, in spite of all my ranting, I enjoyed this story. Very nice. Well done.
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Thanks for the correction. My wife usually edits for me, but writing this at the last minute meant I didn't participate in some plans she had, and she wasn't happy with me, so it was just me and a guy I trade pre-reads with. I fixed that spot and added mention of Spike's height where you suggested.
He walks on two legs, and walking that way puts him between Luna and Celestia in height, but nearer the former. On four legs he'd be more like Princess Twilight's size. Still bigger than the others, and with more muscle mass (partly cause male, more cause dragon), but the difference wouldn't be so stark.
Yes, the ending was rushed. This story is about half the length I really wanted it to be to allow the romance to play out, but I had a 10k limit in the contest. That's a major reason I'm thinking of rewriting and expanding it later. If I'd had the room, I would have shown a few more nights camping, and you'd see Dash's thoughts of him shifting from "friend's cool little brother" to "so, what would it be like if we were together?"
And less a tearful "He made me want love again!" More a confused "Did I just consider Spike coltfriend material? Shit, I totally did. I haven't even thought about that in forever."
I have no idea how the maze was supposed to work. I wasn't even going to try and work it out. It's just a generic Myst/Legend of Zelda sort of puzzle. I just tried to make it sound neat.
Thanks for the input.
5946510 That line's perfect. Short and unintrusive.
Well, I did kinda get that Dash's romance troubles weren't supposed to be all tearful, but the text did say something along the lines of "it never works out" in a tone that sounded less "it's annoying" and more "really frustrated. Also, you missed an opportunity for Spike to comment that her line about Gilda didn't help his confidence in pony-dragon relationships. Because Gilda and Dash obviously didn't work out, so it doesn't exactly go against Spike's point.
I would love more of this story. It was a joy to read and I didn't really mind the maze. It just detracts a little that I can't follow what is going on.
There are quite a few of these "well, I rushed because it had to fit 10k words" around recently. I'm hoping for several of them to be fixed and finished properly after they have had their chances in that competition.
Drop me a line if you do expand on this.
Happy writing.
P.S.
Glanced at the "also liked". How can you like Adrenaline Spike? It's cheating from two of the most loyal creatures in Ponyville! Ugh.
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"Also Liked" just means "readers who upvoted this story also upvoted these other stories". It has nothing to do with the author. I haven't even read Adrenaline Spike yet, but it's probably on here because it was an entry in the SpikeDash contest (as were Muses of Love and Dash and Burn).
5947095 My bad. I don't always get this website. I found it easier to navigate before the revamp.
Great story. Well written, good detail and all around fun to read.
Great job!
Any hope for a sequel? Would love to see one!
5949346 Going to do an expanded rewrite before I do any possible sequel, but I'm not setting a timeline the former, and as of yet have no plans for the latter.
5949621 Sounds like a, maybe later, to me, and that's better then no.
I the mean time, keep writing and reading. Maybe something will give you a push to expand the story if anything. Would have loved to see how things turned out at the end in more detail.
Never did find out if someone was actually keeping a eye out for cheaters. And if Rainbow or Spike would even care if they lose, because they still managed to win!
Gratz on getting 1st place, Rinnaul!
I, like many others, would love to see this story expanded in the future
I can see that the competition really constrained this story. It'd be worthwhile expanding.
Hugs all around
Where's that story expansion? :P
Kidding, but really, would love to see this story fleshed out with a more satisfying ending. Totes up to you though, this stuff's free anyhow.
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It'll happen eventually. Suffering from a real-life-stress-induced lack of motivation right now.
6180958 Admittingly, I'm in your same boat.
*cough* About Last Night *cough*
Am I the only one who was really upset when Lyra and Bon Bon won?