Mane 6 VS Rio De Ja-mare-o

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Following a hectic airplane ride, the mane 6 play around on a summer day. But, trouble is hot on their hooves.

Pinkie and Fluttershy team up. Twilight travels between her book and reality. Applejack tries to regain her hat. Rainbow and Rarity kick plot in a volleyball contest.

What more can you ask for? Before you ask, I don't have a portal to Equestria or a golden pony.

For the Summer fun contest.

Join the sequel of the hectic plane ride. Right here.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 5 )

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janmathew

janmathew #1 · May 27th, 2015 · · ·

No offense but, the end was quite confusing. I liked the story regardless though

VitalSpark

VitalSpark #2 · Jun 22nd, 2015 · · ·

Allow me to give you a virtual pat on the back for winning the Summer Fun Contest.

*pats on back

Here's my review of your story…

Characterization: 3.

The rest of the mane 6 trying to avoid Pinkie seemed a little out of character. Sure, spending the day with her might send you or me insane, but they're used to it, and mostly seem to enjoy her company.

Applejack is a dog owner herself, so her attitude towards the dog she encountered seems unlikely too.

I don't quite buy Twilight getting so engrossed in a book that she believes herself to be in it. Perhaps it could have been explained by Twilight being frazzled having not been able to sleep on the plane or something?

Storyline: 4.

The story was clever, with four separate threads that wove together at the end.

I would like to have read more about Twilight's escapades as they seemed amusing. That said, I'm a big Twilight Sparkle fan, so perhaps that's just my own preferences showing.

Readability: 3.

The story has some spelling and punctuation problems, which impacts its readability. The more the reader needs to think about how you've said something, the less they can concentrate on what you're saying.

As an example:

"Pinkie. It's solid glass on the 21st floor. He can't here you." Twilight said.

Should be:

"Pinkie, it's solid glass on the twenty-first floor. He can't hear you," Twilight said.

Relevance: 5.

It has beach volleyball, sandcastle building, hang gliding. It is very relevant to the contest.

Overall enjoyment: 4.

It's tagged comedy and it actually made me laugh.

Spelling and punctuation, and occasional pacing issues are drawbacks, but don't detract too much from the overall enjoyment of the story.

Bonus points: 2.

Because you submitted your story before the first deadline.

TOTAL: 21 out of 25.

Here's your voucher for a free hug from me. It must be redeemed in person.

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FREE HUG
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Mystical Rainboom

Mystical Rainboom #3 · Jun 22nd, 2015 · · ·

6122696 Wow the story sounds a lot better in the way you say it. Thanks.
You never remember the stories you write, until you read them a few weeks later.