- Member Since 4th Jul, 2014
- offline last seen Apr 29th, 2018
The Story Man
I'm posting some of my stories from the /fb/ general on /mlp/ and I'll be writing some other stuff from time to time.
The Story Man
Joined 4th Jul, 2014 ·
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*grabs box of tissues and lotion*
media.giphy.com/media/FU9dWxdUN6EIo/giphy.gif
Pretty good. My only suggestion would be to add a little more detail into what "we" are feeling; what sensations we experience in the throes of passion, if she's tight or not, etc. It feels more tell-y than necessary. Not too big a deal, though. Other than those little problems, I like it
5857572
Alright, thanks for the feedback.
To be honest, I know I rushed this a little because it's around 6000 words. I'm mostly worried about the transitions in the story. Did those come off alright, or were they really clunky or obvious?
I would like to see more 2nd person sunset shimmer stories not many are out there.
If you go to the source of the cover art you'll see a nude version of the pic right below it
5857602 Since you asked, yeah they were a bit clunky.
They're pretty quick in your other stories, too. However there is more build there. Things clipped along pretty quickly in this one. It goes from trepidation, to uneasy trust, to groping really fast. Wasn't bad, just clunky.
The thing that surprised me was that you had Sunset open up completely about the she-demon thing. Then hand waved it off just as quickly. Seems really convenient for the guy to just brush aside something like that. Not that that's a horrible thing necessarily. It needs to move along. I actually thought it was kinda humorous. The justification for Sunset worked, though. Her wanting to be completely honest to make their interactions genuine was something I could see her doing.
Dat alliteration.
"Hey, you're not a total dick. Let's have sex."
It was alright. The dialogue was a bit clunky, and the transitions were kind of jarring. Better than the vast majority of clop on this site, though.
Thank fuck for that. I hate it when Im reading clopfics and they have like double g sized boobs, Its just unrealistic.
This was great. There are not enough second person x Sunset fics. Well done.
"Oh, I've just met you and discovered you don't hate me? In that case, let's plow."
"What do you care? It's gonna be hot for the reader!"
5857572 I'm reading this just because I found you here.
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I will admit, this one was done in just one week and late at night. I know that's no excuse and I do concede that this is not one of my stronger stories. Thank you guys for the feedback though, I'll try not to rush my next stories though also trying not to take forever, a la JYYC3.
Anyway, I usually ask this on the /fb/ thread, but I've been thinking of asking FiMfic as well. So, do you have a character you want me to write? Try to choose someone I haven't done before, please.
5865178 What about Cherry Jubilee? I haven't seen many of those floating around.
5865178 Always happy to give feedback for stories I like.
As for what I'd like to see written? Well, I'm a firm believer that you should only write the things you like. If you're not enjoying writing it, then I see little point.
So, if you have a desire to write them, I'd say the pegasus twins Cloudchaser and Flitter would be cool. Same deal with the Spa ponies. Perhaps an Apple Jack story?
At the end of the day, do what you like.
I do so enjoy a story that isnt all about "the act". The beginning half was legitimately good heart felt, genuine. The second half was steamy but not at all raunchy
Great story, I like how it takes its time to get to the sex part, it gives it more sense.
Also, what's with the "s" in the titles???
5872481
What's wrong?
Anything awkward about alliterations?
People probably prefer puns, since sexy stories sometimes serve some.
I like how when the actual sex starts, the errors and typos increase. Like:
or
I think that a short, "Over the course of the summer you eventually got to know Sunset Shimmer much better, even to the point where you met sometimes outside of your regular hiding spot at the beach." and so on and so forth. It didn't have to say much but in the end it says much more. If you get what I mean. In the end you end up taking her back there for a date and then cue the fireworks.
5872889
I don't know if you meant for the alliteration of "s"s in your last comment. But regardless, bravo good sir
5898000
I did
It is entirely alliteration combinations, actually.
5898054
Haha i see it now, very clever sir.
5873018 What do you think he was doing while writing the clop scene? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
5933752
Well, hopefully it wasn't cause the keyboard got... lubricated.
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5933752
Both of ya'll need to get your minds out of the gutters. I did write these at like 1:00-6:00 am. if that helps explain it. Also, we're not all perfect.
5933902
HE STARTED IT!
5933902 I do the same thing sometimes. Usually, I don't notice errors until others point them out.
Still, ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
You forgot an 'and'.
Also, it should be 'moves' not move.
Next time, I recommend proof reading it a few times. Just to get out the wrinkles.
6114761
Yeah, this one was rough. Was pretty rushed and generally not one of my better works.
Can you credit the preview image to the artist? He's thrilled about the use but would like a credit if it's not too much.
6136022
Well, I did link the tumblr it came from in the source. Can't seem to find the artist's actual name however, should I use the tumblr name, or do you know it?
6136711 Derpibooru's got several so let's go with Slutty Sunset Shimmer.
6137377
Done, and done!
Since you're here, any comments on the story itself?
6137403 It'll have to be later due to a busy schedule.
Those few typos, here are the ones I spotted:EDIT
Gone now.
6140967
Made the corrections, thanks for the look
6140967
Heh, since you're here though, so you have any thoughts on the story itself?
Well it was good enough that even with my dislike for 2nd person I read it whole :)
6137377 So You whine about him not crediting the artist but you dont know who that artist actually is? wtf
6546372 The artist kept alternating between aliases, but luckily he's now registered on Depi as SirVictorPenint
Why is this story in the Second Person Story group under Gore? There's no Gore here! I WAS CHEATED!
Hot, shimmering fun.
Most excellent.