Holy
Joined 16th Jun, 2012 ·
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Holy · 10k words · 370 12 · 16k views
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Awww!
I have a friend who may like this story
That was very enjoyable to read.
Very nice and loving indeed
as always I leave with my pun for you
Holy shit that was good
I don't even know what to say.
Except for, That was absolutely superb. I really enjoyed it
Did you really just make a Frankie Ballard reference?
If so, I salute you.
D'awwww
Cheers friend!
Literally reading this and upvoting it just because of the Frankie Ballard reference.
that is an adorable cover pic. also, upvote for the pic only. not content.
Not really a fan of country music (No offense), but this was awesome! So going to faves! Oh, and I love playing guitar!
Plot twist: You are Flash Sentry.
:>
6507269
Did/do you live out in the country/between cities by any chance? Because as somebody who does, this is disturbingly accurate.
You never fail to disappoint my friend.
Nice read Holy.
i liked the first half but i didnt care much for the the sex scene.
6507392
OH MY GOSH!
...That sounds like a bad M. Night Shyamalan twist.
Well my friend another great story, you have just become one of my favorite authors. All of your stories are so awesome.
I really like the stories you write with sunset shimmer, she is my favorite characters in the equestria girls movies.
Keep up the good work.
Change alright to amirite PLEASE I WILL LOVE YOU IF YOU DO!
Angry sex?
absolutely BEAUTIFUL my friend, but I feel copyright may take down this story.
Not to jump ahead to the obvious bit to comment on, but it is so very rare to see a story utilizing a condom. I can't help but be mesmerized by the choice, but also turned on by the fact that it's told in second person, and the fact that I've had a lot more sex in my life with condoms than without. There's something so relatable about that whole exchange, that the sex scene seemed so much hotter than a lot of the typical stuff I've been reading.
Backing up, to comment on the buildup, the fireside drinking and talking, the flirting, just everything. This was thoroughly enjoyable to read through-and-through. Sunset seems really sweet in this, although the whole shoulder to cry on while she's just been picked on thing is a bit cliche. You did it well, though, and I have no real complaint about it.
Wonderful job, again. Thanks!
6507863 Who made your profile pick?
Remember people, safe sex is better than sorry unless you know what you're doing!
6508266 I just randomly found it one day looking up pictures of vinyl
A condom has been used
This is great
Holy crap this was romantic as hell. I love it
6508891 That's REALLY rare. Usually when people write this stuff, they have the man 'cum inside' without thinking about the repercussions.
6509275
immature)
I agree. So romantic, it's so cute and dreamy at the same time.
It's like eating your most favorite dessert treat with a delicious topping on top. (Don't think anything
I would love to read more stories like that.
6508864 Dammit! I shall continue my search elsewhere!
6510085
http://johnjoseco.deviantart.com/art/Vinyl-Scratch-Human-Plushie-Ed-255318773 here is a link I found to the picture
Absolutely wonderful.
disneymovieyear.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/hades.jpg
Came for the clop stayed for the feels. As a guy I'm toats not afraid to admit, this would have been a dream date, even without the sex. Very well written, good job.
Gid, I forgot how much I love that song.
6510108 Don' worry I found it. But thanks anyhow!
6509505
Yeah I've been reading fanfictions for more than ten years and I've only seen two stories mentioning the use of a condom. One of them being this one.
Eighteen is still too young to drink?
What planet do you- oh.... America. Where you can own a fully automatic assault rifle at 16 but not own a bottle of alcohol at 18.
Sooo, this story?
Well, it reminds me of some of the first fictions I ever read. They were... well, rather innocent. I mean, sure, this is clop, but it's a more innocent version of it.
But... it's also surrounded by a layer of context. A surrounding story. This is not just a clopfic, no. It's a full-blown one-shot romance. And, to be honest, I feel like it suffers from a case of 'jack of all trades, master of none'.
I enjoyed seeing the struggles Sunset had to go through with her friends gone, and it gave a good excuse for the events in this story to take place... but only one thing:
Why couldn't Sunset go with the rest of her friends to RD's football game? That's something that should be covered.
Anyway, moving on, when we see where 'Anon' has taken Sunset for the weekend, I cringed. It's so...so cliche. I know that it's the best place to go, but it's basically the same thing everyone else chooses; Somewhere quiet, either by the sea or in the woods. I'm not going to take points away on the story for that, it just could have been better and more unique.
So, another thing that got me was how 'Anon' brought whiskey with him. First off, that's rediculous, and second, it brings about a few conflictions I have for the rest of the story.
The scene where Sunset was being convinced to try it was... a bit saddening. Drinking is something I look at with a fair amount of skepticism, considering that pretty much all it does is make people forget about their problems for a night... and make stupid decisions.
This is where the problems come in for me; Sunset was drunk. That much was very clear. So, when things started to get heated, and rather serious, I felt like it was only because Sunset had been drinking.
Is that true love? Is that what sex is all about?
This story... it's like you didn't really know what to do with it, so you struck it in the middle. You made a half-decent surrounding story, and you made a half-decent clop scene.
And that makes for a decent story. But that's all.
Another problem I kept coming across was how bloody cliche the dialog was. It was by far for me, the worst part of the story.
Jesus LUNAing christ, that is so cliche I'd slap myself if I ever wrote that.
Things like "girl", "baby", "Honey"... argh. The cheering up, the sweet-talk. It was all just so cliche.
My final verdict of this story is that it was pretty good, but not perfect. It played all its cards right, but was fairly cliche.
Or perhaps, I'm some kind of sadist. I might very well be, because my favorite part of the story (and I'm dead serious here), was this:
6511207 I wouldn't say fully automatic, more like Semi-auto, bolt action, etc... Also 18 is the minimum age to purchase one(east coast law, don't know about mid-west or wets coast
)
6511700
You can own a fully-automatic firearm in certain states with a $200 ATF tax stamp and approval from the local law enforcement. Sixteen is also the legal age to actually own rifles and shotguns, but not buy them.Most of this is (or I'm pretty sure it is) federal law, so it's the same across all states; except some states don't allow you to even apply for the tax stamp. The boring states like New York and Cali, mostly.
6511260
Thanks a ton for taking the time to give me feedback!
I really appreciate it. Hopefully next time I can try to build off this one and make something better.
6511712 Hopefully! This was great.
Nice story, sensual and sweet.
I make it a habit of naming 2nd person characters....
Copper Run, or Rebel Yell.
One of my favorite country songs; one of my favorite stories!
A quality work brought down by the use of second person. I'm reading some examples of second person MLP stories for what I guess is research, and while this one was perhaps the most well-written second person I've seen yet, the fact of the matter is that the use of second person is completely and utterly pointless.
There's readily apparent characterization of the protagonist here, and that alone ruins the purpose of second person, that being to insert yourself into the work. Admittedly, a character intended as a vehicle for the audience brings in even worse problems, but the use of "you" as the character does and says things I would never EVER do in that situation is horribly immersion-breaking. Give your protagonist a name, define his appearance, and write from first person, and this story is suddenly a hell of a lot better. It's no longer about what I would do in this situation-it's about him, and his actions. That makes your writing far better, and requires arguably less effort to write.
Also...
I'm sorry, what?
Proposed sequel story:
Sunset gets invited back to Equestria and (we) tag along?