Schrei 3: Krähenkönig
Twilight just stood there, staring at the thing before her. Eyes practically hot-glued open and jaw open, her body refused to move. Spike too found his legs unsteady, his stomach churning, and his throat dry. They exchanged looks.
“I-i-i-is this...?” Spike stammered.
A moment of silence as Twilight stared forwards. “I... don’t know.’
Spike rose a hand into the air, extending a finger towards the thing. Touching it, Spike recoiled his hand, shaking his wrist, as though it had burned it. Water-like ripples expanded in a circular pattern from where he had touched, though the ripples were slow and lazy like honey; it was almost as if the thing was made of liquid instead of what it actually was.
“Twilight, what is it?”
She licked her gums, staring at the translucent object. “I... I think it’s some kind of force shield...”
“But... why does it feel like jelly?”
Twilight took a deep breath, contemplating her words. The seconds passed by like hours as she remained silent. “It’s a high-density magical field, that’s why... Ever heard of dehydrated water?”
Spike shook his head. “No.”
“When water is subjected to a high-density magic field, it becomes a fourth state of matter wherein the water because rough and granular-like – essentially becoming sand you can swim in.” Spike shot her an oblong look. “The fourth state of matter affects thing differently.”
“I thought the fourth state of matter was... uh, that really hot stuff thing. You know, that thingy-stuff that comes from the sun.”
“Plasma.”
“I thought that was that stuff in blood – the stuff you can... tran-fixu, uh... give to other ponies.”
Twilight poked her tongue into her cheek. “According to Atomic Enthalpy, there are four ‘proper’ states of matter: solids, liquids, gases, and plasma. Though, for all intents and purposes, there are really only solids, liquids, and gases – plasma simply being ionized gas.”
Spike blinked. “I’m going to pretend I understood that,” he deadpanned.
She sighed. “There are only three ‘proper’ states. But there exists a fourth quasi-state of matter which only exists when atoms are subjected to high-density magic fields. You can often tell a high-density magical field from the color sacarine in rainbows.”
“Sacarine?” Spike intoned. “Are you just making things up?”
Twilight shook her head. “Look, sacarine is the color of magic and of imagination – it always looked kinda greenish-purple to me, though; I don’t know why I think that, but I do. And it is not to be confused with saccharine, though pronounced almost the same, which is sugar.” She shrugged. “Point is that each element behaves differently when in a high-density magic field for long enough: hydrogen turns solid, whereas magic doesn’t seem to visibly affect breathable oxygen – but when put together as water and then subjected to magic-” she shrugged “-the substance turn into liquid sand.”
Spike blinked. “And that answers any of my questions... how, exactly?”
She smiled. “The thing before us is – or at least I think it is – magical potassium – like in bananas! Also, raw potassium is highly explosive. Seriously. It will explode. Trust me. I’ve had a few accidents with it.”
Cocking a brow at the unicorn, Spike asked, “And that means what to me or helps us how?”
Twilight nodded. “It means that there is a giant dome of super-magical potassium covering the entire ponyville region, and within that translucent and semi-seethrough bubble is a giant sun-like orb!” A pregnant pause, then Twilight frowned. “That raises further questions!” she screamed at the bubble.
“Can... we go through it?” Spike asked, prodding a finger at the shield.
She groaned. “Technically... yes. But the fact that it’s here, and that it’s so massive, and that it’s shaped like how it is, means there is an enormously powerful field of magic holding it up, and I don’t feel any magic – that means that the extreme magical pressure is so localized that it’s only affecting the potassium. That amount of focus is something only, say, Celestia or-” her expression died “-Discord could do.”
“And the fact that it’s almost daytime here and nowhere else... doesn’t exactly leave us many choices but to go in, huh?”
“If only we could see past Ponyville and into the rest of Equestria,” she muttered. Twilight shook her head. “Okay, on the count of three-” she glanced over her shoulder “-we go through the potassium, okay?”
“I’m game.”
“Okay.” Twilight took a deep breath, steeling her nerves. “One... two... three!” Spike and Twilight walked forwards, their bodies being consumed by the quasi-colloid of magical potassium. The thin layer of magic which held the potassium in place shocked Twilight’s horn, making her teeth teeth clatter and her intestines rumble with discomforting and rampant magic. It didn’t help that she couldn’t breathe as she pushed through the half-foot-thick barrier.
Gasping, the intrepid duo tumbled through the other side, landing in fertile grass as golden sunlight rained down upon them. Spike, laying on his back, stared up at the bubble. Twilight, having fallen to the ground, stood back up, shaking her shoulders as if they were covered in cobwebs.
Spike blinked, standing up himself. “Are we...?”
Twilight, her mouth open and expression nonplussed, jerked her head to and fro, her eyes clamoring for details and knowledge. Before her were the bucolic fields of green which surrounded the place she called home. An apple orchard stood tall and proud near her, and beyond that was the quaint hamlet of Ponyville. Only it wasn’t a the quaint hamlet Twilight explicitly recalled; rather, what stood was a gleaming bastion to illogic and din. It was as if the town had been built into a metropolis by a series of successive madponies – each with an intense and passionate hatred for the previous madpony’s unique flavor of madness. It was as if that as these madponies were trying to outdo each other’s madness, a god of insanity had come along and painted the already nonsensical city a lovely shade of mindscrew – just looking at the city gave Twilight a headache.
“I... I want to say it but I don’t.”
“Do we enter it, or...?”
She swallowed a lump in her throat. “Do we have a choice?”
***
“Stop right there, criminal scum!” a stallion barked, causing Twilight to tense up. She stood in the middle of a bustling Ponyville street that was lined with three-storied buildings, some of which seemed normal and others would have made a surrealist’s head spin. Her eyes fell upon three stallion clad in hot-pink plate mail, only to the have the guards charge past her and Spike. The stallions charged up to the front of a building where a green mare wearing a jester's hat stood.
“Twilight, let's go,” Spike urged.
Twilight moved to take a step, only for the once bustling crowd around her to stop what it was doing, turn towards the officers, and push forwards, creating a crescent-like shape around the guards.
“Woah, woah, woah!” Twilight protested. “Why are we all pushing and shoving to the scene of a crime?”
A yellow stallion wearing a tophat next to Twilight scoffed. “Don’t’cha know, lady?” he said in a squeaky voice. “Gathering in crowds to watch any vaguely interesting event is the national pastime here in Ponyville.”
“Say what?” Twilight demanded.
“Citizen!” the lead guard barked. “You are being arrested for committing an anticrime: breaking and redecorating!”
“What,” Spike deadpanned. From his position upon Twilight’s back, Spike could just barely poke his eyes over Twilight and thus see the commotion.
The mare, her expression staunch and stern, replied, “You cannot accuse a jester of an anticrime!”
“And why not?” The guard asked, his tone barely above a growl.
“Because this is my house! I am the fool who lords over this manor hold; if I wish to redecorate it, so be it!”
“Then why did you break your window to get in, hmm?”
“Because I’m crazy!” she snarled. “Have you ever gone through the Fool’s University‽” She stomped her hooves, baring her teeth. “It’s not funny at all! They’ll scar you for life there! An assassin's guild would be more jocular than we are! So do not tell me I cannot choose to break my own window then redecorate my own household!”
A green unicorn stallion carrying a brown paper bag filled with groceries trotted up to the jester’s house, pausing only as he noticed the commotion outside the house. “Why is there a crowd outside my house?”
“Sir, is this your house?” the guard asked.
“LIES!” the jester snarled.
“It is... Who redecorated my living room? Why are all the couches covered in green doilies?”
The guards tackled the jester, wrapping her in hoofcuffs in the aftermath of a brief and uneventful struggle. As soon as the mare was captured, the crown that had gathered dispersed, going about their business as if nothing had just happened.
“What... just happened?” Twilight muttered.
“My head hurts,” Spike replied, rubbing his forehead.
“I think we should keep going to the central castle before my head explodes.”
“I agree 100%.”
***
“Just how many thaums must it take to do that?” Twilight asked, her eyes wide at the sight before her eyes. The formidable fortress in the center of Ponyville had seemed so tall and giant to Twilight; up close, however, the fortress was still scary, yet it was painted with various bits of happy artworks, though it wasn’t as tall as she had thought. It was literally floating by about three yards above the ground, occasionally bobbing in that way that floating stuff does.
“I’m going to pretend that statement made sense,” Spike muttered. “Do I dare ask what a thaum is?”
She sighed. “A thaum is a subatomic magical particle composed of five flavors: up, down, sideways, sex appeal, and peppermint. Think quarks and gluons, only magical.”
“Yeah... I’m just gonna nod my head and say ‘Yeah, I understood that A-okay’.” He tugged at her mane, pointing a finger at a particular piece of artwork of the castle's wall. “Does that pink pony up there remind you anypony?”
“Is that... Pinkie Pie? What’s she doing up there?” Twilight asked, tilting her head to the side as she stared at the particular piece of graffiti.
“Apparently she’s a French painting.” Spike whistled.
Twilight’s eye darted back to focus on the whole of the castle. “How much magic does it take to hold that up, do you think?”
“Well, if you can turn potassium into a magical bubble, then why not be able to do this?”
“B-but this is clearly... something here violates one of law of physics.”
“Besides the fact that a giant hunk of stone is floating a few feet off the ground, you mean?” Spike rubbed the back of his neck.
Twilight tilted her head to the side. “This has to violate the Law of Conservation of Reality. The manual power to do this would be incredible, but to magically keep this up and also the shield... would – no, should – violate the Conservation of Reality.”
“Uh... I think our audience-” tugging at his collarbone, he glanced around the empty street “-might not get that.”
“What audience?”
Spike sighed. “I wasn’t being literal – it was a joke... I don’t get that... law thingy thing.”
“The Conservation of Reality-” she sighed “-states that the effort to cause something to happen magically must equal the force required to perform said action using conventional – or non-magical – means. If you try to break the Law, then your brain will get pushed out through your ears and you will die. Simple as that.” A pause. ”You’d know that if you read half the books I bought you.”
“I spend half the day sorting your messes, Twilight,” he deadpanned. “You’d be a wreck without me. So forgive me if I don’t read everything you give me.”
Twilight opened her mouth to reply, only for the fortress’s steel portcullis to open up, and from it extended a thick wooden ramp. It landed before Twilight, as if inviting them to climb. She stared up at the fortress, her eyes going wide.
Spike tapped a finger to her back. “You know, that fortress isn't going to just tell you how it’s breaking... Conservation of Reality or whatever just because you gave it a funny look. Either we go in or we go back. It’s your call.”
“Alright,” she sighed, “here goes nothing.” Twilight put a hoof on the wooden ramp. With a pulse of light she found herself somewhere else. She stumbled forwards, the surprise gouged across her muzzle. Just as her face leapt toward the ground, a field of magic ensnared her, holding her in place and allowing her to catch her balance.
She glanced around, finding herself is some sort of throne room complete with a large central red carpet and glamorous stained-glass windows. She angled her eyes forwards, spying a large set of throne stairs. Twilight’s eyes latched onto the bottom step for what felt like eons, her heart pounding like a metronome, until she forced her eyes up to the next stair. Taking a deep breath, she forced her eyes over the stairs, following them up until they reached a steel throne with crimson cushioning.
Twilight’s heart seized up, momentarily forgetting to pump blood as her eyes refused to acknowledge what she was seeing. She could hear Spike’s breath hastening its tempo, yet he too refused to speak. He just stared up at what Twilight’s mind was trying its hardest to deny.
The creature, or rather he, was composed of an amalgam of different creatures; to Twilight he always looked like a violation of creation. His head, attached the rest of his serpentine body via a lengthy neck, was like that of a prehistoric and savage pony; the head was characterized by two horns, one goat-like and the other a deer’s antler, a single fang jutting out of his mouth, pupil’s of constantly different sized, a white goatee, and forked snake tongue. Further down, the being had two arms, one that of a lion and the other ending in an eagle’s talon; and two legs, one like a goat and one like a lizard. Upon his back were two wings, one like that of a pegasus and the other a bat’s. At the very end of his body was a snake-like tail. He was the fabled draconequus, and Twilight recognized him by name.
“D-Discord,” she muttered, her pupils going wide.
He smiled, leaning forwards in this throne. “Aww, I’m sorry. Were you expecting somepony else?”
“B-b-b-but-”
“But what, Twilight Sparkle?” he asked, snapping his talons. Immediately, Twilight and Spike found themselves in plush chairs. “You should be so lucky that I am not the kind to hold grudges,” Discord growled.
“How are you... not encased in stone?” Twilight demanded, her throat so dry that it threatened to choke her. “I saw you-”
“There may be but one Discord in the whole of the multiverse, but I am not bound by many of your petty laws,” he chuckled, waving a dismissive hand. Discord clamped his jaws shut, staring at Twilight as if his eyes could shoot laser beams as he stroked his chin. “So if you’re here,” he muttered, “then is this his plan?” Snapping his fingers once more, Twilight and Spike found themselves without their chairs, instead they now stood side-by-side.
Twilight stamped a hoof, growling, “Discord, I swear if this all your fault, I will stop you once again!”
The draconequus laughed, putting a hand to his breast. “Me? You think moi did this? No, no, no, no, no, Twilight Sparkle. See, I’m just here for a vacation.”
“Explain, now!”
He rolled his eyes, snapping his fingers. Immediately, Twilight and Spike found themselves standing upon the ramparts of Discord’s fortress, the draconequus standing between the two. “Lemme put it this way, Twilight: I’m a divine spirit, thus not bound by your rules. There is but one me, but I can be anywhere.” He snapped his fingers, teleporting them to the top of a nearby turret. “Where you’re from I’ve been turned to stone. If I were to, say, return to where you’re from, I’d assume my body there, which is still encased in my stone prison. Here, however, I have free reign... for certain values of the word ‘free’... There, does that explain everything?”
“No! What did you do to Equestria‽”
Snapping his fingers, he summoned a tray of biscuits with complimentary tea cups. “Care for one?”
“No!” Twilight snarled.
“Actually,” Spike said, “I suppose I’m a bit peckish.” Discord handed him a biscuit. “Thanks.” Twilight glared daggers into Spike. “What?” Spike asked, taking a bit of his biscuit. “I haven't eaten all day. So sue me.”
Shrugging, Discord took a sip of tea. “Gee, Twilight, you say it as if I was inviting you to a baby-seal-clubbing party or whatever,” he chuckled. Twilight glared at him. “I didn’t do anything to Equestria,” Discord sighed. “It was like this when I found it. If anything, I made it better.”
“Liar!” she snarled, practically foaming at the mouth.
“Sheesh, Twilight, calm your horses.”
“My... whats?” Twilight growled.
Discord snapped his fingers, teleporting back into his throne room. “I’m a spirit, Twilight. Undomesticated equines could not hold me in place,” he said with a grin. He took the tea cup he had in hand and bite down on it, cracking the porcelain in his teeth as he chewed upon it. After swallowing the last bits of the cup, he remarked, “You’re not in Kansas anymore, Twilight.”
“What’s Kansas?” Spike asked.
“Ask the Wicked Witch of the West,” he casually replied with a shrug.
“Enough of your shenanigans!” Twilight snapped. “How did you escape your stone prison, and how did you destroy Equestria‽”
He sighed, standing up and walking down the staircase leading to his throne. “This face was born in blood and desperation. So don’t look deeper than my skin, dear child,” Discord sung. “True beauty is so painful, my dear. The price we pay is shameful, my dear. Don’t you know, the surgeon’s cut is like a fountain of youth. I’m living proof; oh, look at me and tell the truth.” Twilight snorted, digging a hoof into the ground and lowering her head as if to charge. The draconequus reached a hand behind his back, pulling out a white surgeon’s mask and then wrapping it around his face. “Don’t you know, you’ve got to suffer at the end of the knife. Yeah, that’s the price for fortune, fame, your name in lights. Don’t you want it? Tell no lies.”
Twilight took three steps back he reached the end of the small stairway. “Discord, I’m warning you.”
“Warning me what? You’re nothing here, Twilight! This is not your world, no. This an utterly different reality.”
Twilight blinked. ”Bu-wuh?”
Discord made a vertical slashing gesture with his hand. “You don’t belong in this world, Twilight. Do you know why? Because the Lovecraftian force which controls you is dead here!” he snarled, continuing to walk towards her, prompting Twilight to back up in response to each of his steps. “Dear child, it’s because your universe was built so as to be rigged!”
“What are you talking about?”
“Destiny is so awful, my dear.” He reached behind his back with his right hand, pulling out a steel scalpel. “The price of power is evil, my dear. Won’t you tell me, and please be truthful, does true beauty come from within?”
Apprehension clouding her eyes, she stared at the scalpel. Spike, who sat on her back, clung even tighter to her. “I-I-I-I don’t know... What are you getting at... and why are you holding a scalpel?”
“Oh, this old thing?” he asked, turning the blade sideways and grabbing its blade with his other hand. Squeezing the blade as tight as he could, he sliced the blade through his left palm. The scalpel came out as a balloon animal, promoting Discord to giggle. “I’m just messing with ya!” Discord yawned, halting his menacing approach to Twilight. “You see, Twilight...” He snapped his fingers. “Pinkie, come here!”
Out of the blue galloped a bombastic pink mare. She skidded along the floor before coming to a complete stop before Discord and saluting him. “Yes sir, Discord! What can ol’ Pinkie do for you today, huh?”
“Pinkie Pie?” Twilight gasped. “Pinkie, over here! It's me-”
“You!” Pinkie gasped. “You know my name!” She smiled. “Awesome! You must be, like, the best guesser ever! Ooh, ooh, lemme try to guess your name!” She put a hoof ot her chin. “Hmm... Dragon Tamer? Compass? Magicy-unicorny-pony-y? I give up, so tell me, tell me, tell me!”
Twilight blinked, her jaw going limp. Spike’s reaction was not dissimilar. “Y-you don’t recognize me?”
“Why would I recognize you? I’ve never seen you before,” she chuckled. “Not unless I was... I dunno, some kinda psychic pony. Boy, that'd be awesome-”
Discord snapped his fingers. “Pinkie, focus.” She spun around, saluting Discord again. “Now then, find me the labyrinth thingy.”
“The spiky red one or the squishy green one?”
“The kinda organic and fruity blue one.”
“Ahh.” She smiled, spinning around. “Ight-ray way-ay, iscord-Day!” she chirped, galloping away.
“What. Did. You. Do. To. Pinkie‽” Twilight snarled.
Discord rolled his eyes. “I didn’t do anything. I never did. She isn’t corrupted, nor is she some evil version. She’s the same Pinkie you always knew... only-” he chuckled “-she never knew you.”
“What do you mean?” Twilight asked in a belligerent tone.
He smiled. “Allow me to put it simply, Twilight.” Discord snapped his fingers again, promoting a monocle to manifest around his left eye and a book to appear in his hands. He opened the book, proceeding to flip through the pages. “See now, this ledger contains a record of every birth during the year in which you were born. Hmm, there, ponies... unicorn ponies... Canterlot General Hospital... surname of S...” He frowned. “It appears that you’re absent, my dear.”
“What?”
Discord flipped the book around, showing Twilight the page. “There is nopony named Twilight Sparkle born here. So who are you, then, if not Twilight Sparkle?” The draconequus chuckled.
“This doesn’t prove anything,” Twilight snarled. “You could just as easily have faked this – in fact, you probably did!”
The draconequus rolled his eyes. At just the moment in time came Pinkie Pie, a blue organic ball in her mouth. She jerked her neck, tossing it as Discord, who caught it. The ball was covered in odd rubber bulbs, as if it had particularly firm tumors, and looked vaguely like a blueberry. Pinkie saluted Discord.
Then the pink pony spun to Twilight. “Hey there, stranger! So, if you live through this, I’ll throw you a ‘welcome to the chaos’ party! Deal?”
“Pinkie, hush,” Discord said, putting a finger to his lips. Pinkie frowned, whimpering. “See now, Twilight,” he chuckled, “if I could do it, I would expunge your life here and now – all problems solved, right?” Twilight took a step back, eying Discord. “I have the means, I have the motive, and at first glance, there’d be no consequences because you’re not a local.” He squeezed the ball. “But let me sum it up for you: you’re not in your universe; you’re in a universe where there is one significant difference – the lack of the element narrativium.”
“The what?” Twilight asked.
He snapped his fingers. Immediately the book and monocle disappeared, replaced by a black fedora on his head, black spike-like makeup around his right eye, and a black walking cane in his free hand. “Clockwork Orange... I like it,” he muttered. He shook his head. “Twilight, your world, and indeed this one too, is a strange place. Which is why I liked it so much. But here?” He gestured his cane to the aether. “Here has everything I love about your world, but with one major subtraction.”
Twilight swallowed, a blank look on her face as reality finally pierced her skull. “Th-that I... wasn’t born...”
“Pfft! Well, yeah, but that was a side effect of the major subtraction.” He pointed his cane at her. “Ever wonder why it is that the goods guys always win? That evil always fails?” Discord floated backwards and up, casting his shadow over Twilight. “Have you ever pondered – if even for a minute – about just how astronomically improbable it was that you met your five best friends all in the same place‽” He jerked his head to Pinkie. “Oh, sorry, Pinkie. You're dismissed,” he said in a conversational tone.
“Aye-aye, mon capitane!” Pinkie chirped, spinning around and galloping off.
Putting a finger to his chin, he mumbled, “Hmm? Now where was I? Oh yes, my dramatic monologue/reveal details thingy.” He cleared his throat. “Have you ever asked about just how easily all the pieces fell into place for you‽ Ever wondered what gave Celestia the idea to give you the backlog of your Friendship Reports when all hope was lost‽ Why is it that you of all ponies bears the sixth and final Element of Harmony, Magic‽ How is it that the five ponies you because attached to through the bonds of friendship just so happens to also bear the Elements of Harmony‽ Have you ever thought about any of this‽ What makes you so special‽”
Twilight, her neck scrunched back and backing up, shook her head. “I-I-I-I-I... No...”
“Leave her alone!” Spike snarled, jumping Twilight back and standing in front of her, emerald flames writhing in his mouth.
Discord smiled as floated himself over to Twilight. His back to the ground, he hovered mere feet off the floor. The draconequus put himself to Twilight’s left as he reached an arm around and dug a finger into her jaw-joint on the right half of her head. Twilight froze as if she were locked in time and space by eldritch magics, her eyes wide. Spike bared his claws, his maw oozing fire.
“It’s because someone – or more accurately something – has been giving you a helping hoof.” He flew back from her. “In fact, it’s a reasonable argument to say that you were created on demand by this thing. You reek of it; it drenches you like a festering layer of sweat after a heavy workout; it is one with your very soul so much so as it cannot be rinsed free with a simple shower. And it is the very thing this universe lacks – narrativium.”
“N-narrativium?” Twilight muttered, staring straightforwards.
“Indeed, Twilight Sparkle. It is that which ensures the narrative pattern. But I won’t tell you what that is, as that would be telling. See, because you have it globbed to you like the festering orifice of a...” He shook his head. “I can’t hurt you. Moreover, there is only so much of it you have on you. And narrativium is affected by diffusion, too. Yet once it is free of you, you will be subject to the same laws as everyone else is. All I can hope to do is be rid of you until whenever that time is.” He tossed the ball in his hand out to Twilight. It stopped right before her face as Spike jumped up and grabbed in his own hand.
“Give me one reason why I shouldn't turn you into a barbeque,” Spike growled.
“Simple, little dragon. I’ll give you two! ‘Cause you can't hurt me, and because you’re not a killer.”
Spike canted the ball at Discord, who caught it in his own hand. “Have it. I don’t want it.”
Discord, focusing his attention at the ball as if it held the key to the universe, compressed the ball in both of his hands, crushing it. “Little puppet, gentle child. Don’t wait – time is running out. Little dragon, the path is long. But now, I’ve given you my time.” He held a hand out to Twilight. “Leave yourself in my care; follow me into Wonderland, if you dare.” He retracted the hand. “But this world is not your own. You can’t win.” A pause. “And either way I lose... if he wasn’t bluffing,” he muttered.
“Twilight, I think we should run,” Spike whispered through gritted teeth. She didn't reply. “Twilight?” Spike asked, turning to face Twilight and coming face-to-face with a nearly dead expression. “Are you okay? Twilight? Twilight!”
“My head hurts,” she moaned.
“Since I can neither kill you nor lock you up, I guess I’m forced to agree with Spike on this one... If you want answers, go to Canterlot Castle. There’s an old friend waiting for you there. Perhaps by then you’ll be killable. I dunno.” He tapped a foot to the ground, creating a line in the floor made out of dismembered mannequins. “I suggest leaving. That line of creepy mannequins will lead you out.”
“You not going to... hurt or torture us?” Spike asked, pressing his back to Twilight.
“I’d love to, but I’m obligated to be unable until that narrativium diffuses.” He snapped his fingers, creating a rolled-up paper map before Spike’s feet. “That there, boy, I say, is a map of New Equestria.”
Spike grabbed the map, unraveling it. “It’s just a raw map. There’s nothing but a compass rose and geography... and and two dots, one purple and one blue.”
“I know. As you discover new places, the map will automatically update itself with the names of places you visit. It also shows you where you are in real time – the purple one being Twilight, the blue one being you. I’d make a comparison, but your native universe doesn’t have any suitable ones to make.”
“Why are you doing this?” Spike asked, looking up from the map to Discord.
“I may be bad, but even evil has standards. Besides, this is the most dangerous kind of trick in a trickster’s arsenal: the truth.” He glanced at Twilight, whose open mouth did her no favors. “I think we broke her. You might want to take her away, Spike. You two only have so much time before it’s all over for you; narrativium can only protect you so much – even then, dear, narrativium won’t stop you from getting brutally hurt or wounded; it only makes sure that the ends happen.”
“I... gotcha,” Spike said. He turned around and put his hands to Twilight’s breast, pushing her. “Let’s go,” he said in a strained tonn.
***
“So, what now, Twilight?” Spike asked, sitting down upon a rock. Twilight grunted. He looked up from his perch, staring out across the vast expanse of green beneath the potassium bubble. Next to him was a tree with a luscious canopy of leaves – the highlight of Spike’s chosen hill – and leaning on the tree was Twilight, her expression so blank that it was easy to mistake her for a corpse. “I’m inclined to agree,” he sighed, putting his elbows on his legs. Spike stuck in tongue into his cheek for no real reason.
“We’re not in Kansas anymore,” Twilight muttered, causing Spike to glance back at her.
Putting his face in his hands, he groaned, “Look, Twilight, I love you and all, but would you just shutup? You keeping muttering random things like a crazy pony.” Twilight murmured something, but Spike didn’t even bother trying to listen.
He pulled out the map, studying it as if it would reveal some great secret. The map, which had previously just been geography, now had Ponyville labeled and marked on the map. It had done that as soon as he had dragged Twilight out of Discord’s fortress, making the sound of a harp as it did so. Sighing, he put the map away.
“Let’s review, shall we?” Spike said to nopony in particular. “And stop me if I’m wrong. We’re in a different universe where the main difference is something or other regarding narrativium. Check. Nightmare Moon is probably still around, so that means that the sun won’t rise and that Celestia is probably boned. Check. Discord is mucking about with his chaos, and funnily enough, he has a sun and ponies seem to like it here. Check and check. Lastly, some Führer pony is running around, trying to stop both Discord and Nightmare moon. No idea who he is. Check. Also, Big Macintosh is probably still around, I think. So, anything to add to our pool of knowledge?” Twilight muttered something. “Steller,” he deadpanned.
A black bat landed nearby, squeaking as it did so. It turned to Spike, as if it expected something from him. As Spike’s eyes stared at the landed bat, his focus was drawn to the bat’s right leg, where a note was attached. Cocking a brow, Spike stood up and walked to the bat, which still stood there on all ours. Kneeling down, he grabbed the message from the bat. Immediately the bat dove into the sky, flying towards the nearest wall of the bubble.
“What the...?” he mumbled as he opened the letter, prompting two golden tickets to slide out and onto the ground.
“To whom it may concern,
“This message is a formal invitation from Her Royal Majesty Nightmare Moon to attend this year’s Grand Galloping Gala, which is to be held in seven days’ time from receiving this message. Contained within are two invitations. We hope to see you there, as our glorious Queen shall be attending in the flesh.”
“Can I see that?” someone asked.
“Oh, yeah. Sure. Whatever,” Spike said, handing off the letter to his left. He paused, his eyes bulging as he actually took the time to look at the speaker.
“Hmm, an invitation?” Discord muttered. “And through messenger bats, no less. How quaint.”
“Discord!” Spike snapped.
“Yeah, hi, it’s me. How’s your day?” Discord said in a conversational tone.
“You!” Twilight snarled. “What are you doing here‽”
“Twilight! You snapped out of it!” Spike cheered.
Discord yawned. “Yeah, well, you made it the distance to the borderlands, so that’s an accomplishment in and of itself. While under my control, this area is notably less able than the central nexus.” He shook his head. “But none of that makes sense to you, does it?”
“Why. Are. You. Here?” Twilight growled, taking a position next to Spike.
The draconequus rolled his eyes. “I forgot to mention something critical, you see. Something which may or may not help me, but I’ll willing to take a risk.”
“Can your lies! I know this is somehow your fault! And I will stop you if it’s the last thing I do!”
Spike pumped a fist. “You tell him, girl!”
Discord shook his head. “Not only is this not my fault, but I wasn’t the first one here. Nightmare Moon was first. I came about a year later; ponies love me because I’m the only thing allowing them to eat crops. Seriously. Nightmare’s ponies are omnivores now – which isn’t bad, really. I’m an omnivore too. But I came here after the rough equivalent of a European Spring Break, really.”
“What’s European? No, wait, don’t answer that. I don’t care.”
The draconequus pinched two fingers on one hand together. “Sandman, Sandman,” he singsonged in a silky tone, prompting Twilight to actually growl at him. “La-le-lu – someone’s got their eye on you. Now the poorest foals are sleeping. You should sleep too. La-le-lu – and the little hearts freeze though. When the other kids are calling, you’re worthless too.” A pause. “Knowledge, knowledge! Please turn out the lights. The truth is a big scam. So let me dream tonight. Knowledge, knowledge! Stand here by my side. Sprinkle stardust into my eyes, and let me sleep ‘till I die.”
“Stop singing,” Twilight demanded.
Discord floated backwards, still singing. “Twilight, Twilight! This night, this night! Can’t you see your children hate us? Slowly, surely they are damned to fail. Twilight, Twilight! Up tight, up tight! Like a big casino gone bust. Everyone’s ‘for sale’!” He dropped his tone to a somber yet still singing one. “‘Let them eat cake!’ someone said. But all the children want is bread. Screaming their lungs out every night, the hunger burning deep inside! ‘Let them eat cake!’ someone said.” He floated up to Twilight, running a finger across her neck. “Until the day she lost her head.” Discord pulled back, gesturing at Ponyville. “Let me show you prosperity.” He pointed away from Ponyville, towards the Equestrian heartland which was covered in darkness. “Where children want for what they need.
“Stop singing!” she shouted.
Laughing, Discord crossed his arms over his chest. “Funny this is that I’m the good guy here. Remember how, when you lost control over your Elements and Celestia’s power was gone, I rose the sun and moon on a five minute schedule?” Twilight stared at him, her eyes seething with hate. “With Celestia off to who-knows-where, I’m the only one with power over the sun.” He flashed her a toothy grin. “Ponies prefer chaos and madness to starvation, Twilight. They practically worship me! I’m not a god, but to them it doesn't matter. I give them the ability to farm like the good old days.”
“You’re insane!”
Snapping his fingers, the cane he had from earlier appeared in his hand. “No one here can tell which direction is the right direction to take. No one here can tell you who is good or bad – don’t make a mistake.” He pointed the cane at Twilight. “Child, for heaven’s sake!” he said, his words coming out so fast they they blended into one. “This isn’t your world. You don’t know now who you are. You don’t know now what love is for. The mirrored face you see is strange. There’s no one here to share your pain.”
“Quit singing!” Spike shouted.
Still looking at Twilight, Discord continued. “Time and again you’ve locked me out. And hardened up your heart in doubt. The me inside your second skin... has spoiled your thinking once again.” He uttered a chuckle oozing with malevolence, his tone changing to match. “When I possess your souls, I’ll say things. And use you as my personal plaything. The time will come, I’ll dull your senses. If you don’t stop, this game is endless.” He rose a fist into the air, knocking his hand twice as if rapping on a door. “Knock, knock – here we come. He’s got you under his thumb.” A pause. “This isn’t my doing, I swear to you upon my blood.
“Then who?” Twilight asked.
He stopped singing. “I didn’t send you here, nor am I the one making all of this happen to you. No. You’re the puppet of a far greater evil than I. Der Krähenkönig, the King of Crows. And his name is-”
“Well, well, well, the Father himself!” a mare said, her tone awash with arrogance. Everyone jerked their heads to the new voice. She was surrounded by dark-coated pegasi clad in likewise dark colored armor, their wings black and bat-like, and their eyes snake-like. An aura of shadowy magics served as their backdrop.
“Where did you come from?” Discord asked.
“Servants of the Nightmare Eternal have their ways.”
Twilight starred at the mare, her mind conceived there was something familiar. The mare’s coat was as black as her soldiers. Her styled and curled mane shared color with her armor – both of which highly distinguished her from the pegasi. Even her eyes – blue and snake-like, the pupils looking as if somepony had taken a knife to them and slashed vertically – stood out. Then there was her body – toughened and refined like a supermodel’s, and utterly unique in shape in Twilight’s experience. And lastly there was her unmistakable voice with its refined and cultured accent the likes of which Twilight knew of only one mare using.
“No...” Spike murmured. “I-is that-”
“Rarity...” Twilight muttered, her eyes going wide as she and Spike pressed their backs against the lone tree on the hill.
“I knew I shouldn’t have gone out this far,” Discord groaned.
Rarity grinned, her white omnivorous teeth almost gleaming. “Our Mother in Heaven,” she said in sardonic tone, “hallowed be thy game. Thy flesh for someone. Thy will be done. So just give us Heaven on Earth now. And forgive us all our desires. Now lead us into temptation. And deliver us from all that's evil.”
Discord held up a hand, parroting the motions of someone speaking. “Oooh, look at me – I’m a brainwashed psychopathic worshipper of the night.” He dropped the hand. “Pah-lease. And you’ve quite the nerve penetrating this far into the borderlands. Even this far from the nexus my power is absolute.”
“And thy will be done, Nightmare.“ Rarity sneered at Discord. “You, a hideous amalgam of the evolutionary recycling bin, shall be erased, paving way for Her Kingdom Come. We light the way for shadow; the way is cleared and we ride forth.” Her horn began to swirl with a black tendril of magic, manifesting around her and her militant contingent.
Swatting a hand, Discord said, “I liked it better when you were a prissy fashion designer. But, you see, I don’t have time to deal with you. I’m afraid I’ll have to ‘Team Rocket’s blasting off again’ on your haunches.” He snapped his fingers. Nothing happened. “What.” He snapped his finger once more to no effect. “By Azura, by Azura, by Azura!”
“And so her blessing prevails!” Rarity stated in a cool tone of voice. “It it as she foretold. The veil gives us strength, and it drains yours!” She chuckled, her soldiers taking up battle positions around her. “You've sung your last song; you’re eternal thread shall be snipped by her scissors.” She rose a hoof into the air and pointed at the Father of Madness “Slaughter.” Ten soldiers dove into the sky and through the air at Discord.
“Don’t mean much of a difference. You forget that I am the one who planted the seed of doubt which sprang forth as the Nightmare.” He lifted his cane into the air. ”But more importantly: I have a cane!” Discord jerked the cane to the nearest soldier, sending the stallion to the ground. “Batter up!” he shout, swinging the cane with both hands and crippling the bat-like wings of another soldier. Balancing the cane on a single talon, he swiped with his lion’s paw hand, swatting a soldier out of the air. He twirled around for effect, ending with a black fedora on his head. “Who’s bad?” he cooed, tipping the hat forwards and floating back to the ground.
The seven remaining forces pulled out short blades attached to their forelegs, charging at Discord. “Beat it!” Discord bellowed as they charged their blades through him. The Father of Madness didn’t even seem phased. “Oh, hey, look – you missed.” His body collapsed into dust.
“Did we get him?” one of the soldiers hissed.
“Nope!” Discord said, floating in the air above the soldiers and thrusting his cane into the back of the speaker's head. “Illusion spell, my dearies!” With a sound like eggs sizzling on a frying pan, two balls of swirling purple manifested in Discord’s hands, each ball surging with sparks.
“Impossible!” Rarity snarled, a dark-blue aura enveloping her horn. “You shouldn’t be able to cast spells with the veil up! This is against the Law of Conservation of Reality!”
“I never studied law!” Discord bellowed, hurling one the balls into the crowd of soldiers, turning three of them into bowls of petunias as it trapped them all in a violet sphere of magic. He wound a hand back to throw the other ball, only for a dark-blue bolt of energy to slam into his chest, sending Discord stumbling through the air, the second ball dying out in a crackle of energy. “Oh, you are gonna suffer!” he snarled.
Rarity put a hoof to her chest, bowing her head and closing her eyes. “She who is the most beautiful mare of all, whom I hold closer than my own blood, grant me the strength to-”
“Shaddup!” Discord snapped, throwing his cane at Rarity. The cane flew straight as an arrow, its thin side making a beeline for Rarity’s eyes. Just as the weapon was about to strike Rarity, a wave-like half-shield of midnight blue magic dove into the air before Rarity, block the projective.
A smug grin her face, Rarity snickered. “And she pulls through for the faithful.” Transparent tendrils of smoky midnight blue energy wrapped around Rarity like a revealing but tight dress. It slinked around her, pouring into her mouth, tear ducts, nose, and horn. As the last of the energy poured into her body, she opened her eyes and chuckled.
Snapping his fingers, a ceramic bowl of green magic manifest in his hand. He pitched the bowl at the magic sphere holding the remaining soldiers and three bowls of petunias. When it hit them they all screamed in agony before bursting into flame, landing on the ground as yet more clay bowls of petunias. The sphere holding then also died out. “I do so love petunias!” He jerked his head to Rarity. “How’s about I turn you into a sperm whale, teleport you up into the upper atmosphere, the watch you fall to earth, during which time you will come to terms with reality, finally accepting it before splattering on the ground, hmm?”
“You would dare‽” Rarity snarled, magics swirling around her horn.
“And how!” he chirped, a ball of purple energy coming to life in his hand. “Learn your place!” Discord bellowed, hurling the ball at Rarity. A pillar of crystallized darkness came into existence before Rarity, the huge icicle-like protection spearing forth and colliding with Discord’s energy ball, turning the magic into an small ice sculpture of a sperm whale.
“Alright! This has gone on long enough!” Spike bellowed, standing between Rarity and Discord, a golden ticket in either hand.
“Spike, what are doing?” Twilight asked, her mouth finally allowing her to speak.
“Stopping this madness before it gets too far,” he replied in a cool tone, baring his teeth.
“Oh please, don’t be a hero,” Discord scoffed.
“Is that a dragon?” Rarity asked at the same time as Discord’s scoff, her eyes going wide with sparks. “Such a beautiful creature! I would just love to have one!”
Spike, golden tickets still in hand, turned to Rarity. “Were this any other situation, I’d be falling over my feet to help you with that little problem.” He thrust an arm forth, swinging the limb before jerking his wrist, sending the golden ticket straight for Rarity. The ticket struck true.
Rarity’s mouth opened and her eyes narrowed as the damage truly hit home in her mind. A curl of purple hair fell to the dirt. “You despicable mo-”
“And you!” Spike yelled, spinning around and repeated the throw to Discord, who simply stood there rolling his eyes. The ticket, flying true and fast like an arrow, nicked Discord’s goatee, shaving it completely off.
“What,” Discord intoned.
“I WILL DESTROY YOU!’ Rarity snarled, a pulse of magic swirling about her horn. “YOU DISGUSTING CRETIN!”
“Yeah, I thought you’d be smart enough not to do that,” Discord offered, his goatee already having regrown. “This doesn't help.”
“Uh... I didn’t think that through,” Spike muttered, staring at Rarity.
“This is the part where your expression deadpans and you say ‘oh crap’,” Discord said in a helpful tone.
A beam a darkness shot forth from Rarity, making a beeline for Spike. The beam undulated and spun like a confined whirlpool. Spike just stood there, his eyes wide, his limbs as frozen in place as that nearby sperm whale ice sculpture was.
“No, no, no, NO!” Twilight cried, barreling at Spike. She rammed him with her shoulder, sending Spike tumbling across the ground just as the beam of pure darkness collided where Spike should have been standing, where Twilight now stood. Where the beam hit Twilight, the flesh beneath her fur seared and sizzled like frying eggs, accompanied by the screams of Twilight. The sizzling evolved into a packing, crunching sound of ice and snow as the burn turned into ice, encasing Twilight’s midsection.
Twilight choked, her already dry throat going beyond hoarse from her shrieks. Her body went numb; every feeling from the pain in her throat to the push of gravity on her whole body died, turning into a dull, cold throb. Even her eyesight was encrusted with tendrils of whipping blackness as the ice clawed up her neck. A part of her knew it to be her end; frozen ponies die, simple as that. There’s no such antifreeze-like substance in an equine’s body to prevent their blood from forming ice crystal which then expand and would explode her veins, capillaries, and arteries.
“Great, I’m obligated by narrativium to save both of you – preferably with a random teleport,” Discord muttered, snapping his fingers. As Twilight’s vision went into the black of perceived death, she saw Spike running up to her, his arms outstretched.
Her vision black, the last thing she heard was an unfamiliar voice cooing to her from the darkness. “Ich bin der Krähenkönig. Mein Reich ist öd und leer. Wir warum sieben Brüder... mit einem Schwesterlein.”
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"Look, sacarine is the color of magic and of imagination – it always looked kinda greenish-purple to me, though"
Heh, Discworld reference.
Damn it, internet is still bugging out on me. Sorry I'm late, here we go;
Twilight just stood there, starring at the thing before her; eyes practically hot-glued open and jaw open, her body refused to move.
Too many 'opens' in this sentence, and 'staring' only has one r. If the vowel sound, in this case a, sound like itself then you don't double the letter after. this applies to words like 'scared' and 'scarred' as well, for an example. Also, this could be formatted better. try:
Twilight just stood there, staring at the thing before her. Eyes practically hot-glued open and jaw limp, her body refused to move.
“I... I think it’s some kind of force field or shield...”
A little redundant. Just say one or the other.
rather, was stood was a gleaming bastion to illogic and din.
That 'was' should be 'what.' 'Illogic' isn't technically a word, but I think it should be and don't mind it. You call on what to do about it.
It was if as that as these madponies were trying to outdo each other’s madness,
You got 'as if' mixed up, but you might want to rewrite it since the previous sentence started with 'It was as if.'
would have made M.C. Escher's head spin.
Unfortunately, direct culture reference like this are deeply frowned upon without proper context. Since it's been established that Metus and Discord know of such things, its okay to bring it up while the narrative is focused on them, but ponies shouldn't know names like this. Unless you translate M.C. Escher into a pony name or make a more indirect reference to him, EQD is going to hate this reference.
yet it was painted various bits of happy artworks,
It should be yet it was painted with various bits of happy artworks,
it was floating, literally by about three yards,
Literally needs a comma after it. or you could write it was literally floating by about three yards,
The formidable fortress in the center of Ponyville had seemed so tall and giant to Twilight; up close, however, the fortress was still scary, yet it was painted various bits of happy artworks, and but it wasn’t as tall as she had thought; it was floating, literally by about three yards, above the ground, occasionally bobbing in that way that floating stuff does.
This whole bit needs to be reformatted. It's one big sentence that could be made into three. I know auto-correct will often tell you to replace commas with the semicolon symbol ';' (forgive me if I have that name wrong), but it's often better to just use a period and make a new sentence. The first time you use a semicolon here is okay, but the second time is unneeded.
“Apparently she’s a French painting.” Spike whistled.
This sentence isn't a problem; what's after it is. Suddenly the indentations stop for a while. This is a little jarring, but I'm sure this is a technical error the internet caused.
I don’t get that... theory thingy thing.”
Is the amount of 'things' here on purpose? If not, there needs to be one less.
A pause.” You’d know that if you read half the books I bought you.”
That first quotation mark needs to be fixed.
She could hear Spike’s breath hastening its tempo, yet he too refused to speak, he just stared up at what Twilight’s mind was trying its hardest to deny.
Another sentence that's too long. You can replace the second comma with a period to make it two sentences and it will be fine.
was composed of an amalgam of different creature;
'creatures'
Upon his back where two wings, one that of a pegasus and the other a bat’s.
That 'where' should be 'were.' That second half should/could be written as:
one like that of a pegasus's and the other a bat’s.
or
two wings; that of a pegasus and the other of a bat.
Snapping his fingers once more, Twilight and Spike found themselves without their chairs,
There isn't any mention of them sitting in chairs before this.
“Explain! Now.”
Bother words should have an exclamation mark, or it should be Explain, now!
“My. Whats?” Twilight growled.
This isn't really a good place for single word 'grunting' statements. It'd be better as a regular sentence.
“I’m a spirit, Twilight. Undomesticated equines could not hold me place,”
hold me in place,
“How did you escape the Stone Prison,
I don't think stone prison is a proper noun and should be capitalized, given the context. Unless it's some kind of place of something really important, singular, and powerful then it should be capitalized. It'd be better as your stone prison,
“This face was born in blood and desperation.
You mean 'place' not 'face,' right? Unless that's how the lyrics go... I'm uncultured like that.
“Warming me what?
Warning
it’s because your universe was build so as to be rigged!”
built
“This is price of power is evil, my dear.
If this is a quote, I think you didn't write it correctly, because it is almost unreadable.
“Why would I recognize?
I think you need a 'you' in there.
“Ightr-A waya-A, Iscord-A!” she chirped in Pig Latin, galloping away.
I hate Pig Latin simply because of how it's one of those things that people can argue about the correct way to do it and none of them can be right. Most, I think, would write it like this:
Ight-ray way-ay iscord-Day!
Also, you don't need to point out that it's Pig Latin. Too much telling. Just say the chirped whatever and move along.
surname of T...”
Isn't a surname your last name? If that's the case, it should be 'S.'
“Who could just as easily have faked this
The 'who' should be 'you.'
tossing it as Discord, who caught it in his hand.
Same thing I was saying about forelegs and letting your readers make leaps in logic. Unless it's a way of catching something that the readers wouldn't normally use themselves, there's no need to point out that Discord caught it with his hand.
The ball was covered it odd rubber bulbs, as if it had particularly firm tumors, and looked vaguely like a blueberry to boot.
That first 'it' should be 'in,' and that 'to boot' kinda throws things off.
“Pinkie, hush.” Pinkie frowned, whimpering. “See now, Twilight,” Discord chuckled,
I assume Discord is is talking in the first sentence, but it could easily be someone else. This needs to be made clear.
How is it that the fix ponies you because attached to
I'm sure you meant 'six' instead of 'fix,' but it should be 'five' anyway since Twilight doesn't get to know herself in this context. Unless you count Spike. Also, 'because' should be 'become.'
and dug a finger in the her jaw-joint
Remove that 'the' please.
It is that which ensure the narrative pattern.
ensures
to you like the festering orifice of a whore,
Whoa! Back up a second, guys. I know this is rated T for teen, but this goes beyond that. That's a smidgen too graphic, regardless of whatever orifice you might have meant.
But I won’t tell you what that is, as that would be telling. But see, because you have it globbed to you like the festering orifice of a whore, I can’t hurt you. Moreover, there is only so much of it you have on you. And narrativium is affected by diffusion, too. But once it is free of you, you will be subject to the same laws as everyone else is. All I can hope to do is be rid of you until whenever that time is.”
There's too much use of 'but' here. Try rewriting it with a few less of them.
“My head heat hurts,” she moaned.
I don't think you meant to add that 'heat.'
narrativium can only protect you so much, even then.
The situation of 'then' is too vague here. Perhaps 'even under normal circumstances' would be better.
he said in a strained down.
I know my vocabulary is spare change compared to yours, Crushric, but is this an actual phrase in any way?
which had previously jsu been geography,
just
But, you see, I don’t have time to deal with.
There should be a 'you' at the end of that.
The veil gives us strong, and it drains yours!”
'Strong' should be 'strength.'
Discord bellowed as the charged their blades through him.
That 'the' should be 'they.'
a dark-blue aura envolpingher horn.
enveloping her
He thrust and arm forth,
'And' should be 'an.'
his goat already having regrown.
Discord's goat's grow fast. Just kidding, I'm sure you meant 'goatee.'
his limbs frozen in place like that nearby sperm whale ice sculpture.
A bit of a mechanical issue. The way it's written suggest that Spike's legs are frozen like the sperm whale sculpture's legs. I'd be better as his limbs as frozen as the nearby sperm whale ice sculpture or something to that effect.
A part of her knew it to be her end; frozen ponies die, simple as that; there’s no such antifreeze-like substance
Again, a sentence with too many semicolons.
And that's what's wrong. Here's what's... actually quite odd.
The thing is, that section in Discord Ponyville with the breaking and redecorating pony is technically useless. Nothing of value is accomplished, no useful information is relayed, and nothing in it could possibly be relevant. The reason this is odd; that's exactly the point of Discord's world. Nothing is supposed to make sense, be useful, or help you. Technically I should tell you to get rid of this scene, but in actuality it would be unfair of me to ask this of you. In essence, you made the perfect demonstration of Discord's world through both what takes place in it and how it fits into the whole story. I feel my brain melting while trying to process this, and if I think too hard my brain goes
.
Okay, let's talk about what's right;
I don't know which of you is writing Twilight's dialogue, Stalin or Crushric. Whoever it is, you're amazing. Twilight magical/science explanations are phenomenal to read. This is a tactic professional writers use; write about what you know. You obviously know what you're talking about. Even in fiction stories, a foot ground in reality, like the science behind magic is demonstrated to be via Twilight's exposition, makes it far more enjoyable to read than just saying 'a wizard did it.' And you made excellent use of having Spike be the audience surrogate the same way he is in the actual show. Spike doesn't know this stuff for us so that Twilight has a reason to tell us. You blended this seamlessly into the story with comments like 'you'd know this if I read the books I gave you' and other nonsense like it. Well done, very well done.
And this;
“Uh... I think our audience-” tugging at his collarbone, he glanced around the empty street “-might not get that.”
“What audience?”
Spike sighed. “I wasn’t being literal – it was a joke... I don’t get that... theory thingy thing.”
This is a perfect example of fourth-wall humor in an adventure story like this. This is tactful and I laughed.
I find Discord to be far more entertaining here than in most other stories that use him as a villain. I'm glad to see those limitations you brought up mentioned here, and better yet explained by the super being himself. The way he's behaving is far more chess master oriented than what most writers would do, and I like this a lot. That line about a trickster's most dangerous weapon being the truth sent chills down my spine. And then your use of literary and pop culture references made him much more interesting than most incarnations I've seen.
If anyone dares complain about your use of Christian phrases and prayers, I'm going to punch them in the face and say they have no taste. Whoever made the decision to add these lines is brilliant and gutsy. These lines had a creepy intrigue that catches my attention and makes me realize just how far gone this world is. And I love how Nightmare Rarity looks in the picture. Very eerie in a good way.
The real meat and nature of the story is reached in this chapter with the reveal of narrativium. Your writing seems to have picked up some steam now that this has been shown to us. I can see that you've been waiting to get here, as everything seems to have improved with your excitement. It's hard to pinpoint directly, but this chapter is the best of the three. Be that because you're getting into it or you've simply improved, this chapter shows both. I'm not sure how well EQD will take to such a meta based story, but if they are going to take one, it'll be one with this story's kind of meta plot.
Now, I'm going to go on a tangent, so bear with me. There's a game called Radiant Historia, an RPG on the DS system. It's a game that takes place in a medieval, schizio tech continent with time travel and save scumming being a core mechanic. Unlike a lot of other games, the draw to it is heavily based in the story. To put it in perspective, most of the 40+ hours of the game is spent reading. We really get to know both the heroes and the villain, coming to understand. Similar to what this chapter has revealed, the game uses writing and storytelling mechanics via the magical book the main character uses to change history. It's one of my favorite games of all time because of how well we get to know the characters and the amazingly original plot it has.
I find this chapter comparable to it. The plot, the way Discord behaves during his more serious moments, the Nightmare Knights actions, the character interactions, Crushric's vocabulary, the way everything smoothly transitions... it's got a lot of heart put into it. It's just one chapter, but there's a certain something about it that really shines and makes me think of Radiant Historia. I hope the rest of the story continues like this.
Sincerely,
The Conflicted Writer.
805299
God, I have made so many grammatical errors... It boggles my mind,
Spike is using Buffy Speak – you know, that thingy thing where you say stuff but you don't say the specific parts about the stuff and then the thing about it makes that... It's supposed to do that on purpose, as it gives the sense of confusion or whatnot.
I would like to refute this. Quote: “But what, Twilight Sparkle?” he asked, snapping his talons. Immediately, Twilight and Spike found themselves in plush chairs. “You should be so lucky that I am not the kind to hold grudges,” Discord growled. EndQuote. I rest my case.
This is how the song goes. It's actually a reference to inner vanity (more specifically, he's poking fun at how equines/people see Discord as a terrifying and ugly monster).
Woops. That was a translation error. It's a reference to a German song which I translated into English. (German being my third language, Spanish my second, and English my first – I'm rather bad at all but English.) It overlooked that bit. Sorry. Fixed, anyway.
Yeah, I was just trying to see what I could get away with there
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Twilight's dialogue is mine. Stalin mentioned that it made him feel like he was watching an episode of Doctor Who. Not to say anything bad about Stalin dearest, but he sets down the mold of the story; I fill in the mold, adding my own personal touch to the mix.
Chess Master Discord is a side effect of me creating those type of characters. (for reference: My own work features two big bad chess masters who hate each other, and the OC who tells the story is himself a narcissistic sociopath with a penchant for manipulation.) I never saw Discord as particularly chaotic for no reason – there's always a method to the madness, and that method is Discord. He may be a Chess Master, but Metus is a Puppet Master.
The Christian phrases also relate to the above. And again, it was my choice to add them. I actually took out a few reference (Rarity originally introduced her and her soldiers as: "My name is Legion, for we are many" – one of my favorite biblical lines). It's also a fun corruption of the original Our Father – it can be incredibly creepy when used in odd contexts/tones of voice/et cetera. (I hoped for a creepy result, and I thankfully got it.)
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And again you making good ol' Stalin happy with your help :D
Actually, i have complainedabout narrativirium or whatever, cuz it seemed too meta for me. But under sheer pressure of my co-autor i decided to wait for your judgement
Also, how the hell did i missed "whores" line? :S
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You would not believe how much refferenses my co-autor did, my friend :D
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Thanks :D Even conflicted writer oversaw these :D
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And now, everything makes sense. I completely missed the first mention of the chairs. My bad.
Yes, I can see you've worked with chess masters a lot. It really shows through Discord. I always thought it was a delicious irony that nobody seemed to notice; Discord's chaos is well planned. It's orderly chaos, and your belief in that is well demonstrated.
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What few realize about writing is that there is no such thing as a bad idea; only bad ways to handle it. While true that the narrativirium plot point might be too meta under normal cirumstances, they way you guys go about handling the idea is mature and intelligent. The way Discord throws the ball and Spike catches it demonstrates this idea perfectly, without being too over the top or too unnoticable. Just as you said Crushric's Twilight dialogue reminds you of Dr. Who, the way narrativirium is explained fits into a similar vein. It's not too meta becaue of how you both handle it. If I had to complain about one thing, it would be the fact that you give this force a name. It really isn't needed, and it might be better without it. The 'let your readers make leaps in logic' thing again. But, like so many other writing techniques, this requires practice and skill. It'd be hard to demonstrate that it's a storytelling related force for inexperienced writers, myself included in that. As such, the name isn't terrible and it's nitpicking to whine about it.
808940 It was simple, really. fuckfrance.com/images/i130/238636.476obama_smug_grin_orig.jpg
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Thanks for catching those errors. Nobody's perfect, and it's nice to know others are willing to be so helpful.
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Good thing Psychopath was here to help. Like I said, I can't be relied on to make this perfect.
809972 Yes...helpful. th732.photobucket.com/albums/ww321/Gumball018/th_AwesomeSmileSuspicious.jpg
This was the best chapter so far! So many references and such a good little fourth wall break too! I found a few mistakes, but they are really tiny.
Anybody else think of this when they said potassium and bananas? (It's not what you're thinking of that's for sure)
Can't wait for more!
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i032.radikal.ru/1206/04/3221ff9e58a5.gif
812841 I was actually thinking about Doctor Who... I need brain bleach!
“I thought that was that stuff in blood – the stuff you can... tran-fixu, uh... give you other ponies.” Not sure about this one. I think you mean "to", but I'm having trouble discerning it.
Cocknig a brow as the unicorn. I don't really need to write anything here.
“Twilights, let's go,” Dat "s".
"How are you... not encased stone?” encased IN stone? Maybe?
"-but I’ll willing to take a risk.” I'll be willing.
“Batter up!” he shout. Shouted.
"the watch you fall to earth" Then watch.
There we go. The only ones I could find.
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I know :D Just random banana
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Thanks :D
An ancient chinece sage Xin Hyao Hui once said: When writing a fanfiction don't forget to bring more editors. There's always chance to miss your own typos :D
Found another Discworld reference:
“Have you ever gone through the Fool’s University‽” She stomped her hooves, baring her teeth. “It’s not funny at all! They’ll scar you for life there! An assassin's guild would be more jocular than we are!"
It's well known in Anhk-Morpork that the Assassin's guild is actually a really nice place to be, while it's nearly torture to live in the Fool's Guild.
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:D All hail Crushric :D
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Hail!
Weird. I would have sworn that I commented chapter two, but I can't find it. Did I erased it or something?
By the way, great chapters, both the third and the second. I personally love Discord the way you write him, and there are so many references. Discord, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, V from Vendetta... buf.
The plot is getting very interesting. Rarity is bad, ok, I already knew that for the picture. But now Discord is "good"? And Celestia is boned, as Spike said. Also, what's up with the ponies in the forest? Why do I think that Octavia is the fianceé that is being searched right now?
And also... Spike is becoming funnier every moment. I'm starting to love this fanfic.
And I was sure that the Führer was Rarity... I guess it's some other pony. Hmm... (By the way, Photo Finish is the one who named it? Wow).
I'll be waiting for the next chapter!
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Thanks :D
As for chapters, i melded old 1st and 2nd ogether. This has sacrificed abou 40 commens, but i had to do it