Schrei 1: Sehnsucht
Above the Ethereal Plane, the skies are locked in eternal twilight; beneath it lies an endless field of blackness and shadow. Here in the Ethereal Plane there are no gods, only beings – or rather a being.
This being was the sovereign of knowledge, a hater of idiots, a crusader against ignorance, and for four Terran years running, the wielder of destiny. He sat upon a gilded throne of ravens within a monolithic black slab of solidified magic, the building floating as if trying to escape into space, only to be held down by the titanic chains which bound its holy power to the Ethereal Plane.
Before his gilded throne stood a massive complex of books that stretched on farther than the eye could see in either the directions of up, forwards, backwards, and down. This was a very specific level of the Ethereal Plane: The Library of Babel. Every book ever written by any species or any language found its way here.
And it was upon this throne that the being sat, reading a very particular book. “Well, these books are sorted out,” he mumbled, levitating a collection of thick tomes to their shelves. “Plus ten points, librarian me.” The librarian, the sovereign of knowledge, was vaguely hominid but built like a spider. His large, white skull-head lacked any ears or a nose, instead a pair of ghastly and hollow eyes stood neighbor to a huge, maniacal grin. To be precise, he didn’t have a mouth either; all he truly had were his eyes, his mouth having been painted on some time ago in an epoch that not even he fully remembered.
He stood up, then began slowly strolling down the corridors of his library, still reading his book, his dark blue cape making no noise as it followed him. Moving to a stand, he began to walk on his satyr-like legs. “Lykófoos Lámpsi,” he mumbled.
The librarian put a his spidery index finger and thumb to the visor of his hat, tipping it slightly as to tighten it. With a flair of his left hand, a small portal opened up on a blank wooden wall, its image swirling until it finally settled on a pony on one level of the Plane of Reality.
“Carry the one. Divide by...” he muttered, taking furtive glances between his portal, his book, and a house-sized crystal ball floating just to his left. “Yes, that would make sense. But what about ‘The Divine Comedy’?”
Shaking his head, he flipped to the next page of his book. “No, no, that would conflict with Joseph Conrad’s... And then there Qizzugoln’s ‘The Preeminence of the Ghojkin Race’... Hello, what’s this?” He gestured his left index and middle fingers at the portal. The image swirled about as if it were a camera attached to a fly, revealing five other ponies standing next to the original one, all of which were mares.
The librarian's eyes sparkled like a thousand suns glistening off the surf. “Well, if it isn’t meine Götterdämmerung? Du kleine Puppe.” His eyes darted about her body as if either a starving predator or a mentally-unwell stalker. He chuckled. “Yes, yes of course it would be you. Fate’s book knows only too well.” He glanced down at his book, flipping to another page seemingly at random.
“You would think being the Element of Magic would destroy your anonymity, but not so.” The librarian put a spindly hand to his chin. “And yet nopony seems to remember you; they are only too happy to return to their peaceful and happy lives, forgetting the horrors which you dispel. Such a shame.”
“Look at me, talking to myself,” he chuckled. “Me, the Spirit of Knowledge, talking to myself... again. Good job, Metus. You really know how to be sane. I mean, it’s not you like you actually have a mouth. You’re literally just thinking out loud.” Shaking his head, Metus flipped to another page of his book as he eyed his crystal ball. “You know? I think you’ve just given me an idea.”
Metus turned his attention to the book once more. “Fate, you were so pretty, and it was only right that you had to die at the hands of mortals. Well now, my precious Fate, you know what to do, no?” A pause. “And I do not regret the part of my soul I gave for you or your book, for now I have the holiest of holies: the powers of two divine spirits.” He closed the book, slowly sliding his hand across the book’s cover. “And now, my pretty Puppe pony, you will be the first final piece in my gambit. And like the blind witches of Perseus, I hold your life’s string in my grasp. And my other hand wields a pair of scissors. If only Nevermore were here. Then again, he’s the one who knows where to send you. I’m sure you’ll get to meet him.”
Steeling himself, his heart racing with excitement, he flipped the book open to a seemingly random page. There, floating above the page, was three-dimensional image of Twilight Sparkle. Metus balled his left hand into a fist. Jerking the palm open, another portal next to Twilight’s opened on the blank wall, this new one a dark forest.
The librarian smiled, or at least he would have if he had a mouth. “I do hope that Bruder Keeper doesn’t mind me stepping on his domain.” He chuckled. “But yes, you’ll do nicely. And with my scissors sublime, I cast ye into the grime.” Metus grabbed the three-dimensional image of Twilight, crushing it in his fist. “The way we work – let’s go berserk. Without you, what would be of your country, I asked so bluntly.” He unfurled his fist, pointing it in the direction of the second portal. “Let’s see what it’s all about; we shall find out!”
A pause. “Begebe Dich in meine Hand; folge mir ins Wunderland!”
***
Drip, drop – the cold sting of water on a glacial night. A lone bead of water, born of condensation, lurched down a tree. It dripped of its mother leaf, hitting leaf after leaf until it entered freefall. The droplet impacted the left cheek of a mare lying beneath the tree.
The mare shivered as her eyes opened with an agonizing slowness to face the night above her. She moaned as a sharp icicle of pain raced through her legs for the briefest of instances.
Twilight licked her lips, her throat dry enough to make her cough. Head almost imperceivably trembling, she raised her eyes to the sky above, only to to have it choked out by a sizable oak tree above her, its bark almost indistinguishable from the rows of moss and lichen on its side.
Her left forehoof traced her jaw line until it hit her bangs; they were drenched by the tendrils of morning dew. Twilight’s mouth cracked open by the slightest of margins as she groaned, “Where?”
She coughed hard as she rolled onto her stomach, forcing herself to her four legs. In her haste and by the shadows of the oak leaves, she completely missed the alien figure standing in the tree above her.
High above in the tree was a particularly spider-like spirit, his painted face still locked in a maniacal grin, who watched her stand up. His horse-like tail idly swayed back and forth as he held himself in the tree by his spindly arms and hands.
“Where am I?” Twilight mouthed, her voice box not properly understanding that she wanted to use it. Before her stood endless rows of wild trees, their canopies so thick as to deny the moonlight access to the forest floor. Each tree was wreathed by either vines, lichen, or moss of all shapes and colors.
Twilight swallowed the thought to scream as she watched a firefly buzz by. The bug was soon joined by hundreds of its kind, each blinking with their orange lights as she found herself transfixed by them. The quiet song of cicadas and crickets tore the silence of the night asunder as they sang for their chance to find love.
Her body froze up, threatening to leap into the air as a something groaned to her right. Jerking her head to the side, Twilight saw the body of Spike lying on his front. “Spike‽”
Spike cocked an eye open. “Five more minutes.” He brought a claw to his purple scaly back, scratching at the dirt rather than himself.
“Wake up, Spike!”
“Aww, but these leaves are... Wait, leaves... Leaves‽” As if launched by a spring, Spike leapt to his feet. “What the hay‽ Twilight, where are we‽” His breaths became heavy and fast until they morphed into full blown hyperventilation.
“Calm down, Spike! I don’t know, just calm down.”
High above in the tree, Metus smiled – or at least he would have if he had a mouth. His right leg swayed in the air, just waiting to be spied by either of his two puppets below.
“How can you not-” Spike cut himself off to take a deep breath. And then another. “Twilight, please think. Where are we?”
Twilight licked her lips as she glanced about. “I... I think we’re in the Everfree Forest, Spike.”
“‘Ya think?” he intoned.
“Well, you asked!”
“It’s obvious we’re in the Everfree Forest, just look at those mushrooms!” He gestured to a large mushroom, its cap about as big as he was tall. “That’s native to the Everfree, duh.”
She gritted her teeth. “A; how do you know that? B; why’d you ask if you already knew?”
He shrugged as he put his hand to his forehead. “I can read too, ya know. I’ve looked over your shoulder more than once. And to answer your second question: because I don’t know where in the forest we are.” Twilight groaned, putting a hoof to her face in the universal of frustration: the facehoof. “So, Twi, how’d we get here?”
“I... I don’t know.” A pause. “I-we were in our bed, then...” She shrugged. “I dunno.”
Spike bit his bottom lip. “Any chance you casted a teleport spell in your sleep?”
A sudden realization painted itself on Spike’s face. Twilight bit down on her tongue, an acute blush on her cheeks. “I’ve heard unicorns can do it... Lemme think. It was called ‘nocutral em-”
“No!” she barked. Spike gave her an oblong glance. “Look, alright, that’s more of a... a pubescent kinda... Can we not talk about this now? I’ll explain what causes it when you’re older, hm?”
“Why so defensive?”
She swallowed. “Well, being how proficient I am with magic, I, uh... Let’s just say I went through a turbulent phase of that, kay?” Spike continued to give her a blank stare. “I, uh, I once turned Princess Celestia pink... while I-I was still asleep... I don’t want to talk about my other times.” Spike blinked, then fell onto his back in a fit of laughter. “It’s not funny, Spike!”
It took a solid minute for Spike to cease his guffaw. “So, uh, can you teleport us back, hm?”
Twilight shook her head, frowning. “I can’t. A teleport needs to work by knowing two things: where you are, and where you're going – both in exact relation to us.”
“Great, so what now?”
“I don’t know,” she replied with a shrug.
Spike scratched at his chin as he gazed up at the tree, oblivious to the divine being watching back. “I got an idea...” He flexed his left hand, his claws waving in response. Grunting, he slammed his claws into a tree; he did the same with his other claw, his left foot, then his right. Soon he was climbing up the tree. “If I can get to the top of his tree, maybe we can find a way out!”
“Spike, be careful!” she called up.
“Will be!”
The ground equidistant to the tree’s top, Spike heard a voice: “Well, hello there, dragon.” His body froze, refusing to obey him. “Die Monde ziehen an ihm vorbei. Über Meere Berg und Seen – Wie land soll seine Reise gehen?” Forcing his neck to twist, he angled his face to the spidery being. Spike’s eyes trailed up its long, spindly arms, which both had two elbows to support the gangly appendages; the way its body was colored, painted with uneven and jagged stripes of blue, darker blue, and white, made Spike shiver. And it didn’t help when it physically picked Spike up and tossed him back to the ground, making sure he hit every tree branch along the way to that he wouldn’t die.
“Spike‽” Twilight gasped, but just then a voice bellowed from behind her.
“Strangers in the forest! Assume hostile!” Jerking her head to the sound, Twilight came face-to-face with three changelings, each clad in a thick suit of carapace armor. Their bodies made clicking, screeching noises as they charged at her from the underbrush of a nearby tree.
Behind Twilight, somepony galloped up. “Hold fast, stranger! You shall not stand alone!” he called out in a deep but smooth voice.
Another voice, a mare, chimed in with, “Liberty Eternal!”
“Twilight, what’s going on‽” Spike shouted.
“I don’t know!” she replied, her heart punching her in the ribs.
The forest floor exploding like a bomb, Twilight moved her four legs as best she could. With a hiss, the largest and nearest changeling dove skyward, its wings vibrating the air like a swarm of killer bees.
An insectoid hiss tore through the air as the changeling barreled towards where Twilight and Spike had been only seconds ago. Somewhere up in the tree, Metus observed the exchange, his eyes glistening with something akin to chaotic joy.
Spike and Twilight’s eyes were utterly blindsided by the sight of a light-grey stallion bursting out of the underbrush. With a clunk of his steel armor, Twilight’s skull collided with him, sending Spike catapulting into the air, only to be reeled back in by grabbing fiistfuls of Twilight’s mane.
“‘Ello, mawther,” the stallion greeted. With a somewhat forceful push on his part, Twilight was shoved to the ground. His steel-clad legs bounded over her as his body rammed the attacking changeling.
“Mac’s Raiders!” another changeling barked, its voice as squeaky as a balloon. “Shout the alarums!”
“It’s ‘alarms’, ya madhead!” the stallion barked, bashing a forehoof into the first changeling's eye. “And it’s the 201st Recon to you!”
The second changeling inhaled a titanic breath of air, larger than any breath should logically be. Air filling his lungs beyond the breaking point, he let out a shrill howl, a strident caw, and a sharp hiss all at once.
Twlight, her body pressed into the mulch and leaves, shoved her hooves into her ears, a vain effort to dam the sound from perforating her ears. She felt air shooting out of her lungs, only to realize that it was her own screams – and she hadn’t even known she had been.
And then it hit her: the sudden thundering of wings. It was a sound she had heard only once before. And she knew what it meant – a swarm of changelings.
“Berry, where’d ya go?” the stallion asked. “Aw, bugger me.” Glancing down at the felled Twilight, he forcefully grabbed her, forcing her to her hooves. “Come on, do ya wanna live forever?”
“What’s going on?” Twilight demanded, Spike groaning from his position on her back. As if the forest were alive, every dark nook and cranny in the surrounding bushland light up with innumerable pairs of glowing teal eyes.
He rolled his eyes. “Well ya ain't gotta be a misery-guts, ya minty moos.”
“What does that even mean‽”
The stallion sighed. “Since we’re going to die here, mind tellin’ me yer moniker? Mine’s Lucky.”
“Are you insane‽” she snarled.
“Absobloodylutely, mawther!” A momentary pause. “Anyroad, don’t suppose I could get a kiss for at least trying to save the damsel in distress?” Lucky prodded.
“What‽”
“Well, I tried. Girls! Smoky! Lady, abyssinia!”
At Lucky's command, two mares leapt from the bushes. The foremost one had a coat and mane that resembled a crushed cherry and came with a complementary cutie mark; the latter was a direct mirror of the first, save for her mane and coat palette's being reversed with the former’s.
“Ready, Lucky!” they chirped in unison as they threw cherrybomb-like balls at the ground. All at once two things happened: the ground around Lucky and Twilight exploded into a white smoke, and the changelings charged at the ponies, murder in their eyes.
“Exit, stage left,” Lucky said, dashing into the thick cloud of white.
Twilight couldn’t even see her eyelashes in the smoke, the smell of chalk filled her nose, the roar of changeling wings deafened her, and the peppering of smoke covered her body like a murderous blanket. She opened her mouth to speak, only to have it forced close as he nearly vomited out the taste of the smoke, her attempts to speak being replaced by a raged and poorly suppressed cough.
“Maybe you should come this way, lady!” Lucky called out.
Spike dug his claws into the back of her neck. “Twilight, run!”
“Spike, where‽” Twilight coughed.
“I don’t care!” He grabbed a fistful of her mane, jerking it to the left as though it were a rein. “That way!”
Hooves erupting into a frenzied flurry, Twilight charged like a mare on a mission through the smoke and haze. Time seemed to flow down, everything becoming a blur of indistinguishable colors mixed with the constant rumbling buzz of the changelings. Each hoofstep. Each second. Each moment. Each heartbeat. A part of Twilight thanked Celestia that she had chosen to go to bed without drinking any water beforehoof lest her bladder betray her.
In the blink of an eye, Twilight’s life flashed before her eyes as her right hindleg found itself ensnared by a root. The grab forced her to the ground, stomping the wind out of her lungs and leaving her gasping for air on nigh useless lungs.
“No!” Twilight shrieked in a voice that was half anguish and half a dying howl.
Twilight, no, no, no, no!” Spike pleaded to On High, leaping off his friend, doing his best to claw at the would-be root. The smoke smothered Twilight like quicksand.
“Spike, run!” Twilight begged.
“I’m not leaving you here! I’m not letting them suck your love away!”
“Please, Spike, just go!” she ordered, lifting him into the air with her magic, trying to toss him from her.
“No!” he snarled, clawing at the root for both Twilight's sake and his refusal to be torn away. “Tear! Tear! Tear! Why won’t you tear‽” he cried, tears welling in his serpent-like eyes.
With a roar not unlike a hurricane, the cloud of ashes scattered to the four corners, replaced by the hounding eyes of the swarm. They just hovered there, their task of clearing the cloud completed with due haste. Both Spike and Twilight fell still, their eyes consuming the telltale sight before them. There was no way out. There was only eternal servitude as a slave to the changeling swarm.
Unaffected by the battle, Metus sat in his oak tree, observing the hopeless look on Twilight’s face. “Aww, come on, Twilight Sparkle. Or do I have to bring her in?” Nothing happened. “Fine.” Something large beat its wings. “Ah, I have the perfect sense of timing, don’t I?”
Every last changeling’s wings furled to their sides as they took to the brush, all but a few disappearing as soon as they arrived.
“Well, well, well. Now would you look at what we’ve got here?” asked a decidedly female voice. Twilight and Spike jerked their heads around to face a true monster: the Queen of the changelings herself. Twilight squeaked, cowering against her own body. Spike grimaced at the monster, doing his best to look intimidating, a look which Twilight then tried and failed to parrot.
Her body was tall and sleek like a corrupted version of Aphrodite – taking all of her mythical perfections and twisting and strangling them until all that was left was the vampiric abomination before her. Her wings were like a bee’s, and her eyes hollow and soulness. And yet her body was a magnificent canvas of finest lumber; her “flesh” bearing the texture of tree bark, its grooves like an alpine ski slope. Then were was the jagged, malformed, and vaguely gnarled horn on her head that reeked of the molestation of all that was pure and holy. The decidedly feminine creature smelled like the most erotic of pheromones, like a succubus; it was easy to imagine how such a creature had once seduced her brother, borrowing into his mind like corpse maggots, into allowing her minions to swarm Canterlot.
“And to what do I own the pleasure?” the being questioned, a hint of sadistic amusement in her otherwise neutral tone.
Spike swallowed hard, spreading his arms out like a T before Twilight. “No,” he growled, a tide of emerald flames building up in his throat.
The ‘mare’ smiled. “Oh, and what do we have here? A dragon youngling. How unorthodox. Well, no matter. When you’re not busy raiding my sovereign holdings, you outsiders make for an excellent fuel.”
“W-w-what are you even doing here, changeling?” Twilight demanded, putting on her best brave face.
“I have a name, you know. And while you ponies might relegate me to little more than an emotional vampire and parasite, I would urge you to address me as ‘Queen’. I am Chrysalis, Queen of the Swarm.”
“B-but how are you even... I watched you... You were... How can...?” Twilight stammered.
The Queen rolled her eyes. “If you can’t bother to speak, then perhaps you shan’t require a tongue, hmm?”
“So much as try that and I’ll turned you into a campfire,” Spike hissed.
From his perch, Metus chuckled. Holding a bag of movie popcorn in one hand, Metus grabbed a handful and tossed it into his mouth, only for it to bounce off his face and tumble two stories to the ground. “Oh, yeah, right. I don’t have a mouth,” he mumbled. “Oh, well...”
“That so?” Chrysalis laughed. “Then allow me to enlighten you as to how we changelings deals with illegal intruders and invaders such as yourselves: we offer them a sword to match ours, we offer them the chance to renounce their sins, and if all else fails, we encase them in a chrysalis and feed off their very soul.” Her eyes scanned over Twilight. “Your magic is sword enough, thus you’ve no need of my sword. So I offer you the chance to renounce your sins. A chance to be assimilated into the swarm.”
Twilight’s pupils dilated to the size of saucer pans. “Assimilate...?”
“How dumb can you be? I am harsh but fair. Renounce your sins; renounce your allegiance to either Discord, Nightmare Moon, or Macintosh, whomever you swear fealty to – I can seldom tell the difference between you ponies.”
Twilight blinked. “Say what?”
“If you are that dumb, then I must insist that I make the choice on your behalf. You are to be our subject; we shall remove all want, all desire, and make you part of a greater whole. It is the price of penance. It is the best you’ll get in these dark times. Trust me, I’m honestly doing you a favor.” She took a step towards Twilight. Spike’s maw began to seep flames, not shooting it, just leaking it to show he could. Chrysalis took a sharp inhale through her nose.
“Back. Away. From. Her. You. Harlot,” Spike growled.
The Queen chuckled. “How do I put this as you ponies would?” She tapped a hoof to her chin. “Aw, yes, I should word it like that prayer your ponies do when you beg for the sun. My kingdom come, my will be done. And-” Chrysalis took another deep breath, her face contorted with something akin to abject horror. “By the Ethereal Realms! You’re tainted! You’re infected by the Nightmare Eternal!”
“What?” Twilight and Spike stammered in unison.
Chrysalis reared onto her mind legs as if spooked. “You’re tainted by the night! Flee! She's infected! Infected!”
Within the blink an eye, the changeling swarm turned tail and barreled into the forest. Twilight and Spike’s jaw fell ajar, their eyes oozing incomprehension. “Tainted by the night,” they both mumbled.
***
Twilight splashed cold water on her face, pausing to stare at her reflection: her mane twisted and gnarled, her face hammered by dirt and muck, her eyes bloodshot, her knees shaking like a newborn’s. She dunked her forehooves back into the pond, splashing more of the liquid onto her disheveled self.
In her reflection, she watched as the beads of liquid drained down her face, the blooms of said fluid plopping into the water below. Which droplets were sweat and which were the splashed water she didn’t know.
She felt a claw grab at her left foreleg as Spike said, “Twilight? Shouldn’t the sun have risen by now?” Twilight’s eyes remained fixed on her broken, shattered reflection; a part of her could hardly believe the dirty, disheveled mare that looked back was herself. “Twi’?”
Jerking her head to Spike, she eyed him and all of his scratched scales. “Yeah?”
Spike took a step back, rubbing his right knuckles with his left claw. “Where’s the sun? Shouldn’t it have risen by now?”
Twilight blinked hard. “I... I don’t know. I didn’t think about that. Maybe it’s still too early.”
His lips pursed to the side. “But we went to bed at eight. I remember dreaming, so I must have been asleep long enough for that... uh, REM sleep... or whatever..”
She nodded. “So you do read those books I give you.”
“I, uh, well... Okay, so occasionally I try to figure out your obsession with literature. And so occasionally I find the books you get me extremely interesting – but only on rare occasions! I still prefer less book-y things.” He shook his head. “Don’t distract me. Where’s the sun?”
Twilight bit her lip. “I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about. It’s probably still too early in the-”
“Listen to me, mare. The changeling Queen mentioned Nightmare Moon by name! And she mentioned Discord by name! And then something about Big Macintosh... That’s gotta mean something! Hay, Chrysalis shouldn't even be within, like, a lightyear of Equestria! Don’t you curl up in denial, Twilight. I’ve seen you go down that road before; I don’t like it when you get like that.”
She stared at him for a good long minute. His firm stance and stern glare never once faltering. Twilight sighed. “No, no, no, I’m sure everything's fine. Really! The changeling queen probably just lives in this area and we randomly found her nest or something.” She dismissively waved a hoof. “It’s fine, I’m sure.”
Spike stared at Twilight with an utter deadpan. “It is not fine, Twi’. You’re only fooling yourself if you think otherwise,” he said through gritted teeth. “And I know you’re too smart to lie to yourself.”
Twilight glanced back at her reflection, the moon standing in the background above her reflection. The ripples in the surf waved like the ebb and flow of time. Her own mouth closed, the reflection’s opened. “Where did those other ponies go?” her reflection questioned.
The air rushed up through her nose as Twilight threw herself backwards, landing her rump on the hard dirt. “Twilight‽” Spike yelped. Rubbing a hoof over her face, Twilight dared peer back over the pond. “H-hey, snap out of it...”
She shook her head, her reflection mirroring her. “Uh, I’m fine. I’m fine.”
Spike gave her a hard glare. “Twilight?” he asked, suspicion dominating both his tone and face.
Her mental cogs began to process; the well-oiled clockwork ticked away like a bomb. And then the explosion detonated. “Hey, Spike. Is it just me, or did those other ponies seem... familiar?”
He took a moment, tapping a finger to his chin. “Now that you mention it...”
“And where would we have seen other ponies before?”
“Anywhere, but in our case? Ninety-nine percent chance of Ponyville.”
She smiled. “And what direction did they go off to?” Spike shrugged, but pointed east all the same. “I think so too. And where’s the most likely place they’d be going?”
“Well, Everfree forest at night, just fought off changelings... I dunno. A hospital... Zecora’s hut?”
Twilight blinked. “Huh, I wasn’t going for that, but that’s probably a better idea. Maybe they were going to Zecora’s hut–no, wait, that’d still be murder to find.”
“Maybe Ponyville?” Spike offered.
Slowly, Twilight nodded. “I think so too. Or at least maybe Ponyville’s in that direction.”
Spike licked his lips. “I take it you wanna go east and hope to Celestia that we find a way out or something?”
“Read my mind like a book.”
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looks intresting
gonna read
Intresting summary there, 'Reality is a lie'. That caught the most of my attention.
Story seems quite cool to read!
Oh, and FIRST!
this seems really cool and interesting, cant wait for more!
This is pretty grand so far, interested in seeing how it goes.
Only a few typos
Very interesting... very, very interesting indeed.
I shall be watching closely, I hope to see more of this soon.
583219>>583224>>583296>>583591
Thanks guys!
583389
Can you point out where? We must've missed them
Heh, there ain't much to add to what I've previously commented on the pre-reading.
Expect I didn't witness no changes at all... Then again I did offer you really anything.
Oh, one sort-of mistake caught my eye:
“High-ho, silver, away!” <---- Spike
"Hi-yo, Silver! Away!" <----- Lone Ranger (original one)
Don't know if you intentionally referenced the phrase.
BTW; waiting for the cover with immense anxiousness
Yeah. There are a few typos. I also like this Metus character alot.
“How can you not-” Speak cut himself off to take a deep breath. I think you meant "Spike".
This, and you gave me an idea for a new vilain. "The string weaver". Thanks for the idea!
Stalin asked me to give him a critical review, so here I am with my pernickety paragraphs of curmudgeonly comments. I'll point out a few mechanical and stylistic things, and then try to say what I can about the story itself. This review is brought to you by my new favourite song.
LINE-EDITING
*subjective. Typo in the first sentence... that doesn't make a great impression.
Be careful of these kinds of constructions. They're delicious and I use them a lot too, but in this case the sentence makes it look like the librarian was strolling as he stood up, but I assume you really meant that he stood up and then went for a stroll.
Methinks a comma should go after "muttered". Not sure if I've said this before, but it's a good idea to read your work aloud and use your natural pauses to place commas.
Other? Why "other"? You haven't mentioned any ponies until now.
Comma splice. The word "instead" is not a conjunction.
If I've told you to do this sort of thing before, I apologise, because joining adverb–adjective pairs with hyphens is a very old-fashioned thing that I often did until a few months ago.
Missing close quote.
Try to avoid numerals in narrative. You could just leave out "3D" as it's already been stated, or you could write three-dimensional.
Be consistent about species-name capitalisation! If you're going to capitalise them like Tolkien does, say Dragon, Pony, Griffon and all the rest of that. Otherwise, do the Mass Effect thing and leave them uncapitalised – dragon, pony, griffon, etc...
You're using the interrobang character. Very swanky.
I can't imagine Spike saying that. It really doesn't sound like an expression he would use.
There are probably other errors and typos. You're certainly improving as time goes on, but there's still a lot of room for further improvement. Get together with your editor and give this chapter another sweep.
OVERALL
I always have a hard time of finding things to say about such short introductions to stories, because there's just so little to comment on. That's especially true in this case, and I think that's a fault in itself. This chapter is too short, and that's not because it's only two thousand words, but because of what it does with those two thousand words.
In the first chapter of Dirge of Harmony, you established the main villians and gave Cauterium a complete encounter with Twilight. He walked up to her, talked to her, and then left her ruminate on it and later speak about with her friends. Then, to cap it all off, you revealed the true nature of what Cau was up to in the final scene. In short, that chapter was a complete substory with an introduction, some conflict and a conclusion.
That's not really the case here. We have the introduction of Metus, Twilight waking up in the forest, and then a bunch of things happen in rapid succession and it's all rather confusing. I get that you were setting up a cliffhanger, but the thing about cliffhangers is that they can sometimes be more frustrating than captivating, and that's often linked to how early on in the story you put them. It takes time for a reader to really get invested in a story, and cliffhangers rely on reader-investment. Of course, all readers are different, but I see two possible reactions to the end of this chapter:
1) The reader is intrigued and faves the fic in eager anticipation for the second chapter.
2) The reader is confused and drops the story.
Given the kind nature of the FIMfic audience, you'll probably get more of the first than of the second, but the second type is still out there.
Basically, the only issue I can see at the moment (and this is a quick review done after a single read-through) is that this is a bit short and therefore quite confusing. I'll meditate on it and comment again if I can come up with anything else to say.
585176
Thanks, Ezn! You're a great help! We shall edit all of those and i shall think about prolonging chapter... but it will be oo late anyway
585176
585210
Indeed, as Stalin's co-author, I thank you.
Also, the interrobang is my favorite punctuation mark. I used in my fic, so I brought it over to Stalin's. I think it's super swanky, too! "‽"
Also, how do you create those little indented boxes around your quotes? I want to do those; can you share with me the code to allow me to make those?
Good start. It seems interesting, and the idea of the "Librarian" watching over different planes of reality is an intriguing one. I look forward to more
585210
Don't worry too much about a few dislikes. Pretty much all stories have at least one. You can't please everypony.
585240
It's a great mark, if a nonstandard one. I use it in hopes that it may one day catch on enough to be official recognised by everyone.
Super secret BBCode I learnt from a shadowy hacker-poet. I'll forever wonder why it isn't documented somewhere.
[ quote ]Text here[ /quote ] (without the spaces, obviously)
lol, i forgot to reply after i was done reading.
But seriously, this was a very good read; especially for the first chapter. The only faults were, in my opinion, a few grammatical and spelling errors, such as setting something that should be in present into past tense.
Still, i liked it; a lot.
I'm tracking this.
585400
Thanks again, Mister Jameson :)
585663
Thanks! And for a tip too!
585556 Please, call me Mr. Pickles
Some mistakes that I had found:
For it is the Ethereal Plane that scholars argue over, whether it exists it or is a myth.
Is that extra it supposed to be there?
This being was a sculptor of fates, a wielder of destiny, and like all beings from the Ethereal Plane, a bit of trickster.
Maybe put an a after of and before trickster?
“Well if it isn’t Twilight Sparkle?”
Why is there a question mark there? It isn't asking "Is that Twilight Sparkle?" so you might want to make that a period or an exclamation point.
“Yes, yes you would serve my nicely.”
Either change my to me or put something after it.
“You would think being the Elements of Magic would destroy your anonymity, but not so.”
Might want to change that to Element.
“You know? I think you’ve just given me an idea.
First, you might want to put what after know, or just keep it, it's up to you.
Second, where are the end quotations?
THe droplet impacted the left cheek of a mare lying beneath the tree.
Why is the h in the capital?
His right leg swayed in the air, just waiting to be spied by either of his two puppets below.
Might want to make that spotted, but that's up to you.
“Will be!”
Make that I will or will do.
That's all I could find right now.
Time for a quick overview/review!
Originality: 10/10 I don't think I have found any story quite like this!
Descriptions: 10/10 Pretty well done. Giving us both details on all the minor things and major things.
Chapter Length: 9/10 The length itself is good, but the ending is a little lackluster at best for me.
Original Characters: 10/10 Once again you have given me original characters that are original in both design and purpose.
Overall: 9.5/10 A great intro to the story! Can't wait to read more!
586980
Thank you very much for pointing all these mistakes! :)
For some reason, Shattered Reflections sounds like the title of a video game. Cool Story Bro! Just kidding. I wouldn't do that. The description is a wonderful hook, and it certainly drew me in! Great job on the cover picture. The font this time is really cool. Is the guy next to Twilight Sparkle a slenderman? He certainly looks like it. Is the chapter thing in russian? Or is that german? Did I mention that I'm at school right now? Yeah...I should probably get back to my research paper.
590528
Well, if you cant tell russian from german than you have problems bro :) just kidding. It's german. And why won't you read story itself? :)
590730I am going to read it right now. I was just at school...so yeah.
Ah, a new story from Stalin the Stallion is always a welcomed sight.
The idea seems pretty interesting, a single entity who can control fates if he wishes to. And he's going to observe Twilight's reaction to a different reality.
Speaking of which, the antagonist(If he is one) was portrayed very well, showing what kind of character he is. I'm definitely going to look forward to scenes with Metus involved. Twilight and Spike seemed pretty accurate.
Overall, the story is engaging. I'll make sure to keep a look out for more of it.
I haven't found really that many grammar errors, and the people above already covered a lot of them. So I'm not too good at those. I did find one that wasn't mentioned and it looks a bit confusing.
“I... I don’t know.” A pause. “I-we were our beds, then...” She shrugged. “I dunno.” ~~ Not sure if you planned it like that, but normally there should be an 'in' between the 'were' and 'our'. But, as said before, you could of planned it like that to make her sound more nervous, so I'll be quiet.
600991
Thanks!
Oh my stars, this is epic. I mean, by the sisters above, I don't know how to describe how much awesomeness this one chapter holds. You just started and I'm like..."FINISH THE NEXT CHAPTER OR I"LL RIP YOUR LIMBS OFF!"
Sorry, about that. It's just, I'm so excited. This new being, what is he? I know, I'll be asking myself that question all throughout. Is he a being of another universe, was he created when the world began. Is he a being of darkness and why did he teleport Twilight and Spike there? I must know.
And then the Changelings. I love that race and any story with them in it is going to be great. (Hopefully, you won't make them out to be all just heartless monsters. That would annoy me, but thank goodness nobrony's gone that route...yet.
)
Until next time,
Sincerely,
Evo
P.S. Hy-yo Silver, Away....*facepalms* I should have seen that one coming.
601222
Heh, thanks, but how ya gonna know when next chapter will come out w/o tracking the story? :)
This story looks interesting. This new being erased Twilight's known existence in the the universe and put her back(thankfully with Spike) as a complete stranger...for knowledge...I like this guy!
Why do super powerful cosmic entities always choose to mess with 'mortals' live as their primary source of entertainment? Read a book or something.
Kidding aside, I like where this new story is heading. Keep up the good work man.
603222>>605030
Thanks!
So, you officially gave me TWO ideas for new vilains thanks to Metus. I already have the name of the first one on my previous comment, and a musician. Maybe I'll ask you to draw them in the near future?
By the way, WHY DOES EVERYTHING KEEP GIVING ME IDEAS?! Thank you.
606496
Happy for you :)
Welp, time to pop in my copy of "Shattered Reflections" Into My Fimtendo! Hopefully, the wait was worth it.
Alright, start the game, new game. Nice title screen! I like it. Hey...that character in the middle reminds me of ANOTHER character...What was his famous quote...
shigeruslist.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/fawful.jpg
"I HAVE FURY!"
Must be the face. That smile dont help neither. Actually, I like that guy's cool.
Now then, time to start the game!
So okay, Starting off the game with the character I just saw in the title screen! Nice! Now show me what you're doing,...Mr. Spirit of Knowledge! Oh wow! Okay, NOW I know WHO he is...hey, what're you doing with Twilight?
He talks to himself....does he hears answers back? Hope not, 'cause I already have that problem.
Although he's nothing like Cau is in my favorite Fimtendo game "Dirge of Harmony", with a whole mystery behind him, he's still pretty cool. But not all characters hafta be mysterious. So I'll leave it be for now.
----------
Now we start the game As Twilight Sparkle and Spike. Okay, I'm stuck in Everfree forest I'm guessing and--Oh crap! Changelings off the port bow! Trying to Spawn camp me, you little--
Oh crap! Who're these guys? Are they both trying to kill me? I gotta get Twilight Outta here! Only got three lives!
PAUSE GAME.
Before I play the game, lemme hit the Bathroom...
I'm here, expect the same deal as last time. I'll tell you what's bad and what's good in that order. The bad, grammatical errors first:
Above the Ethereal Plane, the skies are locked in eternal twilight; beneath it lies an endless field of blackness and shadow. Here in the Ethereal Plane there are no gods, only being – or rather a being.
That first 'being' should be 'beings' I think.
This being was a sculptor of fates, a wielder of destiny, and like all beings from the Ethereal Plane, a bit of trickster.
That last part should be 'a bit of a trickster.' Also, the comma after Ethereal Plane should be removed or a comma should be put after and. It's better to use less commas, though.
The librarian was vaguely hominid but build like a spider.
Built like a spider. Or 'with a build like a spider.' Whichever one feels better to you.
“Yes, that would make sense. But what about ‘The Divide Comedy’?”
I tried searching for The Divide Comedy, but I found nothing. Are you sure you didn't mean The Divine Comedy? Or it may be a story related thing. Either way, titles of books, plays, and publications should be be written in italics, not in quotation marks.
The image swirled about as if attached to a fly
This isn't an error so much as it just doesn't make sense. If I stop to think about it, I guess it makes sense. But the description really brought my brain to a halt. I'd try to find some other way to say the image in the ball swirled.
The librarian's eyes sparkled like a thousand sound glistening off the surf.
I've never seen a sound sparkle. Also, it should be plural if there's a thousand of them.
"Well if it isn’t Twilight Sparkle?”
There should be a comma after 'well'. General rule of thumb with commas; if they're not being used in a list like this, this, and this, you use them to separate ideas or unnecessary words. Do you see how 'If it isn't Twilight Sparkle?' is a sentence by itself? The addition of 'well' is technically unnecessary. It adds flavor, true, but that's just how it works. Or like this: 'The stone was blood red in color, he noticed with some anxiety.' See how the first part is a sentence alone? The comma is used here because of that. I don't know why, that's just the rules of English.
Another example of proper comma use: "You would think, given how many bad things have happened, we'd be dead." See how if you removed what's in the commas that what's left would still be a complete sentence? That's how it works. Even then, there are times when you wouldn't use a comma in that circumstance. Usually those are longer sentences. I must once again recommend a third party beta-reader to deal with this issue.
You also use commas like this; 'I see what you did there, my friend.' When the speaker refers to another person while talking to them, you use a comma. Other examples: "Tell me, Book of Time, will I succeed?" "This is delicious, wouldn't you say, Terry?" "This is all your fault, Jeb."
The final way you use commas you already seem to understand; "I'm not sure," he said with a sigh. I don't know how to explain this one, but you already grasp it. However, try to avoid as many commas as possible. You're already forced to use them to make it readable, any more will irritate readers, by which I mean the ones at Equestria Daily. Try to make sentences that don't use commas, but don't go out of your way to do so.
His eyes darted about her body as if either a starving predator of a mentally-unwell stalker. “Yes, yes you would serve my nicely.”
That 'of' should be 'or' and that 'my' should be 'me.' Unless you say 'my purpose,' in which case it would be fine.
“You would think being the Elements of Magic would destroy your anonymity, but not so.”
I think Twilight is only one Element, not multiple Elements.
THe droplet impacted the left cheek of a mare lying beneath the tree.
If you look hard enough, you should see the problem here.
Head almost imperceivable trembling,
That should be 'imperceivably.' Watch your tense.
it bark almost indistinguishable from the rows of moss and lichen on its side.
'It' should be 'its' since it's possessive.
She cough hard as she rolled onto her stomach,
'Coughed.'
As if launched by a spring, Spike leap to his feet.
'Leap' should be 'leapt.' This is a little confusing because most people use 'leaped.' It should be 'leapt, but like the 'lie vs. lay' problem a lot of people have, most can't tell the difference. In fact, the web browser Firefox doesn't recognize 'leapt' because it's so bad.
A, how do you know that; and B, why’d you ask if you already knew?
More of a formatting problem. It should be: A: how do you know that? And; B: why’d you ask if you already knew?
Their bodies make clicking, screeching noises
'made'
“Hold fast, stranger! You shall not stand alone!”
Is this meant to be a threat? You shall not stand alone actually sounds like somebody's going to help me out. If it is supposed to be friendly, then it makes no sense that Twilight and Spike would run from that. It doesn't sound like a threat at all.
"Liberty eternal!"
I'm making a wild guess, but I'm assuming this is a shout for some sort of regime. In that case, the word eternal should be capitalized.
And that's what I can find. Now, story/descriptive issues:
There is a HUGE problem with the first section of this chapter that can be noticed from the very first sentence: The nature of reality is subjective; it is a different animal to each individual pony.
Big red flag, right there. You are having the narrative tell me opinions, things that can't be proved immediately. DO NOT have the narrative tell your readers things like this. It would be one thing if Metus had been saying things from his point of view, or even if the third-person-perspective was extremely close to his point of view. As it it, the narrative is telling me how the universe works in your world. The narrative should not do that; the characters or the most basic descriptions should. The narrative should only tell the most bare facts, and even then you should try to avoid doing that as much as possible. Admittedly, this take a lot of skill to get absolutely perfect. Your characters' actions and dialogue should reveal as much as they can about your world without directly doing so. Describing color, size, placement; these are things the narrative can described without it sounding lazy or odd. Your narrative for the first fifteen or so paragraphs tells me things that can be argued with. Lines like 'Where one might have expected feet,' are hard to read because that's telling me how I or some other person not related to the story think. Don't do this. Telling me something is called the Library of Babel or where it's located is okay, but feels a lot better if a character reveals the information. Telling me Metus can't speak and uses his mind to do so is utterly pointless in the first part of the chapter; this fact should be brought up, if at all, while talking to another character by describing it from the character's point of view, however slightly in it we may be. Characters should reveal knowledge while the narrative merely organizes it.
However, this is seriously only a problem in the first part of the chapter. The rest of the chapter is decent, but could still be touched up. As I said in the other story, Spike and Twilight should be revealed to be a dragon and pony, respectively, through their interactions. Since they were unconscious when we first met them, you can get away with revealing Twilight is a pony. In fact, you do this surprisingly well by only saying she is a mare and not mentioning any of her physical features like her fur or mane color. Saying she used her hoof to wipe her cheekbone is a perfect example of doing this kind of thing correctly. But then you just out and out say Spike is a dragon, which grates on the mind. At the very least, the narrative can say he has reptilian features. The best way to do this, however, is to mention his feet, claws, and size as he's moving about or getting up. Using the mushroom the way you did was an excellent way to go about doing this. The first paragraph of second part of the chapter is a good example of how much information the narrative should reveal. Look at that for reference.
Another issue that you've fixed since working on your Pokemon story, but still need to fix here, is perspective. As I said, the narrative should really be used to organize information. Since the second part of the chapter is technically told from Twilight's perspective, Metus's name should not be known to the narrative. Don't use his name in the narrative until Twilight knows it if its in her perspective. Mentioning he's there and watching is fine, but don't do it as if it's already known who he is. Reveal it as if Twilight or Spike doesn't know
Speaking of Metus, before you revealed his name in the first part, you called him the librarian. This is okay, but the narrative just says he is the librarian. Show me he's the librarian before calling him such. Have him act like a librarian before saying he is one or calling him one. This will make it so that I already believe it and the narrative simply organizes it. However, this advice isn't very applicable in this situation. Given that Metus is a god-like librarian, there aren't many ways to show this without it being confusing. As such, you don't really need to change this, but it would help the story a lot if you could. This advice applies much more to normal situations, like in the Pokemon story with the library jokes that showed Twilight works in a library. Another issue with Metus is why he is doing this to Twilight. I can assume he's feeling as if like has little meaning to him and/or he's bored, but this should be a little more obvious or hinted at better. The reader needs to understand why Metus is doing what he's doing, though we don't need to know the reason. You do hint at his troublesome nature, but his desire to use Twilight for whatever he's doing is quite sudden. One minute, he's doing what I assume is his job, the next he's pulling Twilight out of her reality. Go into more detail about his transition into deciding to do this.
Sometimes, you have phrases or words that are too similar too close to each other. Two of Metus's lines are like this. they are:
“Look at me, talking to myself,” he chuckled. “Me, the Spirit of Knowledge, talking to myself..."
“Let’s see what it’s all about; let’s find out!”
The first line has the phrase 'talking to myself' too many times. Same thing with 'let's' in the second one. Be careful, as this sounds awkward to most readers. I know real people talk like this, and you even hear these kinds of lines in movies. On paper/written word, though, it looks weird. One exception would be Twilight's "Calm down" line. Since she and Spike are obviously frazzled, it makes sens she might do this.
Finally, as many others said, the chapter is too short for the amount information you give and stuff that happens. Though it's not really the length that's an issue, the sudden end to the chapter is really what makes this a problem. When first starting a story, you shouldn't have the first chapter end in the middle of some action. It's kind of along the same lines as to issue of assuming your audience already knows the world in the story. Things have not been established enough for there to be an action scene. I would seriously consider rewriting the end of the chapter.
There. That's what's wrong. Here's what's right:
Characterization. You got it, you nailed it, it's great. What you do reveal through the characters' speech and action is revealed nicely. Metus's trickster nature is easily seen through his speech and quirks. I feel like Twilight is Twilight and Spike is Spike. One thing I constantly stress to people is notice how character talk. Some are more likely to use certain words than other. Some use conjunctions more. Characters can have a way of talking without having an accent. Metus, Spike, and Twilight have diverse ways of talking, and that is very comfortable to read. Spike is much more likely to say "ya know" than Twilight is, and you seem to have noticed this.
I've only seen you write conversations between Twilight and Spike, but you really seem to have their dynamic down. Their conversation feels natural and keeps that story going while showing us more about them. I hope all you character interactions are something like this, even when two people are strangers. You seem to understand and write believable responses to what the characters say to each other. Like anything, practice makes perfect. It's not the best, but I'd be hard pressed to find something better that would take ages to read through. I assume you wrote this before the Pokemon story. You definitely do it better in the other story, but that's probably because you've practiced some since writing this. Considering this is already good, consider yourself without need to improve too much in that department.
Unfortunately, that's all I can say that's great about this chapter. Do not take this the wrong way: I'm an honest reviewer who says what he can about a story. What I bring up has far more to do with structure than anything else. Plot, silly as it is for me to say, is worthless without the nitty gritty details to bring it life. View plot as the skeleton and the details as meat. By that I mean your story is nice and I'm attracted the the idea and how you go about presenting it. I am interested in what happens next and want to see Twilight deal with this interesting problem. I hope to see that you handle it well.
By the way, a note somewhere about what the chapter's name is would by nice. Not necessary, but nice. I assume it's Russian, but I don't trust Google Translate to give me accurate results.
Sincerely,
The Conflicted Writer
Ah, now that's a feels good pony. This is much easier to read. So, there's a couple grammar issues and still one problem:
“Yes, that would make sense. But what about ‘The Divine Comedy’?”
Okay, you made it The Divine Comedy, but you still need italicize it and and any other title. They'll nitpick about this a EQD. Both The Divine Comedy and The Preeminence of the Ghojkin Race need to look like as I've just typed them.
“You know? I think you’ve just given me an idea.
Missing the other quotation mark.
High above in the tree was a particularly spider-like spirit,, his painted face still locked in a maniacal grin, who watched her stand up.
There's double comma.
His breaths became heavy and fast, until they morphed into full blown hyperventilation.
You can remove the comma there.
A, how do you know that? B, why’d you ask if you already knew?”
Use semicolons- the ';' symbol- instead of commas and you got it.
This new ending isn't exactly what I meant... how best do I describe the problem? The issue isn't that it's got too much action; it's that it's too soon for a cliffhanger like this. If you wanted my honest opinion, you should combine chapters one and two into one chapter. The flow would be a lot better. The problem is that the cliffhanger/transition to the next chapter is an interruption in the action. It's way too soon in the story for an interruption. You're actually kind of pushing it to have action like this so early, but you're handling it well. Either rewrite both chapters so the transition doesn't interrupt the action, or combine them both.
Now, here's what feels good;
The first part flows MUCH better now. It's still telling instead of showing a little too much, but that's really only the second paragraph and even then it's not terrible. This is something that requires practice to do perfectly, and this is a great improvement. Other than that, its much more enjoyable to read. Gah, that's a phrase I should have been using this whole time; showing against telling. Try to show more instead of directly telling. You've fixed this chapter so there's a lot more showing.
I see you revised Metus's dialogue, and it's great. I didn't even tell you to redo most of it, but you did it anyway and it feels good. This does a much better job of showing Metus's quirks and personality without shoving it in my face. Awesome, very awesome.
You fixed all the issues I talked about as this just flows a lot better. Good job!
Sincerely,
The Conflicted Writer
Already I'm seeing Metus being applicable to almost any other fandom imaginable, and him actually doing after he's done with Twilight. You know an OC is good when you can imagine them being inserted into another franchise and they remain the same.