"Where do all of these guys come from?" - Twilight Sparkle
Twilight, being the new alicorn princess, has a lot to deal with in her life right now. A stallion crash landing at Sweet Apple Acres, a sharp-shooting pegasus, a unicorn assassin that's able to control ice, and a strange and mysterious filly appearing at Fluttershy's cottage. To top it all off, the danger in Equestria has risen by ten. Twilight and her friends begin to wonder why Equestria has suddenly become more dangerous and why there are so many more ponies nowadays. Surely, there must be some connection between the danger and the mysterious new ponies.
Suspicious and confused, can Twilight and the others be for sure that these newcomers are actually ponies? This will be an adventure that they won't forget, no matter how hard they try.
Yes, this fic takes place in the middle of season 4.
And here's a little opening song for the fic.
Thanks to RemixHero for helping with the story, I really hope you like this new fic 
Hit the popular list 4/4/2015! Thank you all so much for liking it! 
I like the way you started the story and I already love the main character.
Also
Jokes on you bruh, I am already on the moon and Sombra says hi.
Well ask and you shall receive my friend. I love it
! Incredible start, damn near impeccable grammar, but your syntax was of in some areas. Also some of the descriptive sentences in the beginning felt a little stiff, mainly in the introduction to the characters, but anyway I'll gladly fave and follow this, you remind me of me
P.S. Love your character
5822920
what did you like about the character?
5823009 Thank you both,
5823030 He seems pretty cool, he isn't some helpless OC that I see a lot in stories so that's definitely a plus. Plus I like how he uses sarcasm.
Sarcasm is awesome.
5823030
Firstly, his disposition. Just from this chapter I can tell that he is fast, energetic, or basically a male Rainbow Dash, as in he won't back down from anything. Also some of this one-liners are hilarious. I really want to see how he develops.
Great first Chapter can't wait to help with more!
Great chapter.
5823265 Ditto.
Another good chapter, I like how you introduced Steel.
Your descriptive sentences come off stiffly in some places but, other than that I have to say it's an impressive piece of work. Your biggest selling point is your main character. He's cool without coming like your typical "Mr. Lets fuck all the bitches because they on my nuts for no reason" main character. Keep letting him drive the story and you'll do fine.
5857526 Thanks, If you liked this character's intro, then you'll like the second one
I'm gonna go ahead and call it. This one has the makings of a G.O.A.T.
You have a good sense when it comes to writing action, and you create good and entertaining characters. Props for that man.
I have one criticism though.
Twilight is really out of character here. She's an Alicorn and has already fought Tirek. No bitch ass Timberwolf is gonna make her freeze up.
5857637 Well keep in mind though that this fic takes place BEFORE the season 4 finale. Also, thanks
5857682 Oh well damn my bad playboy. It still feels a little out of character considering the Ursa Major, Cerberus, and Discord.
Still a future Greatest Of All Time though.
5857696 Thanks
Next chapter should be out as soon as possible
Great job. Glad I could help.
I loved Shield's sarcasm and first interaction with AJ.
Loved the action scenes.
Perfect song for steel:
Another amazing chapter.
Great Chapter!
Things are developing.
Gooood. Gooood.
Alright, let's get down to business.
I find this fic alright. It doesn't really seem to match all the tags you have, but it does fit the Adventure one so far. Even though it is only the first chapter, it feels rather lighthearted. Just be careful with the tone shifts, since you already have dark, sex, and romance ticked as well.
Something you did well was intrigue me about this mysterious stallion was mentioned he had pieces of cloth stitched over his cutie marks. That itself can be actually pretty dark, but I feel that this feature wasn't given enough spotlight to really sink in. It seems like a very important feature, but gets the same amount of time as everything else.
That's really the biggest problem with this chapter: the pacing. This is something I really haven't gotten a good grip on until recently. It is not like the pacing of a movie, but focusing on what is important and giving certain things more time to build mood. This chapter may have felt much more darker if you had AJ focus on the stitchings and show how it makes her feel (uncomfortable, confused, etc.) instead of mentioning it and then skipping on to the next event.
It is kind of spooky that he mentioned his "mother" and his brothers and sisters. I would be interested in finding out the nature of him and his "family."
A few other things I noticed...
Don't start your stories out like this. It's incredibly cliche and dull. What I would have done was focus on Applejack's interior feelings and/or thoughts and then build out, showing what she was doing, with what, with who she was doing it, and where she was doing it.
You are writing a fan fiction, it is safe to assume that your readers will know what these characters look like.
This is an incomplete sentence. The period should be a comma.
The way this is written implies that the branches were in the ground as well. I would have written it as:
"It wasn't chopped down with an axe, but ripped up from ground, exposing its moist roots to the summer air." Or something like that.
You are very "tell, don't show." Don't tell us they were both filled with shock and anger. Show us.
"Applejack strained her face as she darted her eyes about. She breathed quickly, ready to buck whoever did this to her precious tree where Celestia's sun doesn't shine."
Nit-picking, but when you refer to a person's (or pony's) as "the body" or "a body" it has the unstated implication that they are deceased. I would have said "She lifted the stallion onto her back."
Also, never use "began (to) verb" or "started verbing." Just use the verb. It wastes less of the readers time and gets straight to the point.
You don't need this part. We already know where she is heading off to.
Nit-picking again, but Applebloom left three or four sentences ago. There is no way she could have gone downstairs, out to the barn, and back again in that short of time.
I used to do this in the first few chapters of my first story, but it is better to explain the quality of the sound than to use onomatopoeia like this. Especially if you are going for drama or danger. It comes off silly. Instead, do something like this:
"A monstrous roar shook Applejack from her thoughts and sent a cold shiver down her spine. Only after the echoes stopped did she manage to release the breath she held. 'What in tarnation was that?'"
So far, very interesting premise. I'm looking forward to the developments in the next chapter.
So Steel Shot and Defiant Shield are a couple of bad asses, huh?
This is something I noticed with your writing, you could cut a lot and gain a lot in return. My biggest problem with this chapter is that it seemed to drag on, not from pacing, but from unnecessary words. Everything bolded could have been cut. We can tell from context who is talking.
Also, you do that thing that many beginning writers do, and use as many synonyms of "said" as you can. There is nothing wrong with "said" if you use it infrequently. But by writing ["Watcha doin' today?" he asked.] you are being redundant. We know he is asking because of the question mark.
Woah, woah, woah! I know Snips is not a fan favorite, but he is not "obese." He is a stocky and a little chubby. Dare I say, he is "healthy" for a colt his age.
You've done this quite a bit in this chapter, but it is understandable. Word processors only really recognize the word "pegasus" with a capital "P" as the correct spelling. This is because "Pegasus" is the name of the fictional winged horse, and not a race. The use of "pegasus" to describe winged equines is a rather new development.
I have a problem with this when we are talking about S4 Twilight and beyond. It is more likely to me that Twilight would throw herself in front of her friends to defend them. I understand that you did this for plot convenience, but it could have been handled better. Perhaps have Twilight leap in front of her friends, flare her wings to intimidate the timberwolves, and have her illuminate her horn, ready with a charged spell. But before she can take the first shot, Steel Shot comes in and takes care of the timberwolves.
Heck, even S1 Twilight was quick to act against an Ursa Minor (though she did just finish reading about what to do in the event of an Ursa attack).
They
You're doing it again. We know what the characters look like, so don't waste time explaining to us what they look like. Plus, saying that "Fluttershy had her usual yellow fur coat..." implies that there are times that she DOESN'T have her yellow coat.
More redundancies/unnecessary words. Cut out "asked in."
Capitalized 'T' in "Thought"
A scrape is a rough rub that takes of some skin and may leave a bit of blood. A scrape is what you get when you fall off your bike, not from a wolf attack. What you are describing is much more severe than any scrape I've heard of. It is more likely a cut or worse, a gash. Scrapes can be nasty, but a scrape is not what happens when a wolf swipes at you.
blackant.net/other/images/archiveviii/aa-scraped-knee-b.jpg
Okay, you made me laugh with this one.
The cake twins?
img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130322013420/mlp/images/3/30/Pinkie_Pie_singing_to_twins_S2E13.png
May I suggest some reading? I found this book to be very helpful.
5968811 Ok, I just fixed some of the mistakes. btw, why did you delete the other comment?
5981311 I really value your criticism, thanks. But there is a reason why some of these OCs have these certain abilities and will be revealed later in the story. I just wanted to try to start this fic off with a bang and good first impressions. There is a reason why some of these characters have these abilities, I just wanted to give a hint that these ponies aren't exactly the "normal" type. Or at least, what comes close to normal in Equestria. I can't really tell if you like this or hate this, but I do hope you keep reading on and like future chapters.
Thanks for your time.
5981558 btw, you told me what you thought about the first two OCs, but you never mentioned Icy Wish. What do you think of that one?
I only know how big Garble is as an "average sized teenage dragon" because I've seen the one episode he is in. Perhaps a better description would be to give us an example (two ponies tall) and then telling us that is average would have been better, but again, this is a fanfic and thus you can get away with stuff like this. However, that doesn't mean you can use this trick of "you've seen the show, so you should know" as a crutch.
Jesus tap-dancing Christ on a boat in the middle of the Pacific with Betty White in a tutu, what the hell? We got dark really fast.
cloaked
Dragons take practically forever to grow up. I'm pretty sure they don't reach sexual maturity the same rate as bunnies do. I've got a feeling Crystal can be quite the procrastinator.
This is something you did in the previous chapters as well: Your descriptions are bland and dull. I'm not saying your character designs are bad, but they way you describe them is less than exciting.
For example, the line in purple could be written like this:
The azure blues, blacks and whites in her mane mixed together as her mane whipped in the wind.
This is more of a pet peeve of mine, but being smashed against things, such as boulders, and have the boulder cracking in half but the character remain alright really just makes me reach for the nearest breakable object. I blame DBZ and every Shounen anime after it for this horrible trope (if it isn't a trope, it deserves to be one now). Physics just don't work that way, and flesh, no matter how toned, won't stand up against rock. If you could at least give a reason as to why this OC can withstand being smashed against a rock so hard said rocks splits in half, I'd me less inclined to smash any nearby porcelain decorations.
And it's not just the physics, but relativity that ticks me off. No where in MLP can you find ponies who can be smashed into rocks and walk away unharmed. The fight with Tirek is not proof otherwise. Tirek stole a whole population's worth of magic and Twilight had four alicorns' worth of magic in her body.
Oh DBZ, I love you, but your influence has screwed up so many things that came after you.
Wrong kind of "Awe." "Awe" is
You are thinking of "Aw" or "Awww"
Also, unnecessary capitalization.
5981311
While I'm not a fan of these kind of reviews that try to imitate Yahtzee (because of sometimes poor analogies that end up screwing up the message they're trying to convey), and I don't completely agree with his review, he does bring up a point that I agree with.
Your OC's feel unreasonably overpowered. I really don't feel any suspense in the fight, and I was actually rooting for the dragons to get away, but I was actually very disheartened when they lost. I just didn't like these OC's. They seemed needlessly cruel, and if I may, overpowered.
They're not Mary-Sues in the slightest, but their power and lack of reason to like them really just made this chapter a drag for me. If they turn out to be the antagonists of the story, then my problems with these characters will be fewer. If you wanting me to be sympathetic with these characters, you've shot yourself in the foot. They have currently not done anything redeeming and came off as psychopathic killers, and not the enjoyable kind.
One thing you really did that I like a lot and will consider using in my own fic is what you did with Crystal's dialogue. Turning it to a sickly purple really helped give it an ooze of dread, even if it wasn't intentional.
Keep working on your craft and read a lot of books on writing. I highly suggest you get "How Not To Write A Novel." It covers a lot of the problems I see in your writing.
I'm interested to see the dynamics of all these characters. Keep up the good work.