Shira Blitz, a unicorn mare planning on serving a princess.
Twilight Sparkle, an Alicorn princess who has no guards in her castle.
When Princess Celestia creates a new program that helps Twilight pick out the perfect guards, things start to get a little interesting. The point of the program is to, not only help Twilight, but help the guards improve their skills and become the finest warriors in Equestria. Shira, who was originally planning to serve Celestia, gets transferred to this new program to first serve Twilight and to better enhance her prowess. However, will she still want to serve Celestia after making some new friends along the way? She'll face different challenges, go through countless obstacles, and prove she's got what it takes to be somepony extraordinary.
However, behind every extraordinary pony, is an even darker secret; and Shira hopes that nopony will ever find hers out.
Thanks to everyone out there for the great OC suggestions in the fic.
And Thanks to Feather Flyer for the awesome coverart of Shira
Wow, you did a really nice job on this first chapter. I look forward to seeing more.
Oh and in the description you misspelled just in the second line of the paragraph.
Any way best of luck with this one, I really like the use of OCs. Damn, I can't believe I missed this.
5631627 Yeah, sorry about that
just bad timing i guess. I'm glad you still like it even though your OC isn't in this one
5631636 Yeah, what bums me out about it was you have no idea how close this was the the RP the character came from.
Oh, well better luck next time
! Anyway even if my character doesn't get used it's still a great story. I don't want you to get bogged down with characters, you've already got a lot of them to write for as it is! If you do add him tell me, if not, oh well. You did a great job and it'd be wrong not to like it just because my OC wasn't used, I was just excited to see a story like this in the first place.
5631660 Thanks, that means a lot.
I hope the other writers who offered their OCs like this fic as well. I plan on making this fic to everyone's liking.
5631666 I hope so too.
Thank you for using the group to get characters, it's nice to see it fulfilling it's purpose or was it porpoise?
conservenature.org/learn_about_wildlife/marine_mammals/images/mm_finless_porpoise_01.jpg
Nope it's purpose.
And remember me if you do find an open spot later.
5631693 Don't worry, I'll keep you in mind.
5631696 Awesome.
Have a moustache
Good now - this story interested me for some reasons
So I hope you don't mind a bit of critique.
I write this, as I read the chapter.
- you double some words - like finest / finest in the very first paragraph. Its on error directly but variants feel better.
- I believe Celestia didn't discover Equestria (this were the Rulers or the three tribes - Celestia appeared some time later)
- Next scene, after the five years later: ..., "they still can't believe" - "they still couldn't believe"
- please don't name the mane 6 mane 6 - its a meta-name the fan-community gave them. Inside the world they would be referred as maybe the elements (just as titel - as they don't bear the elements any longer) or the six friends or name them.
- maybe it's a bit blunt of Celestia to confront Twilight this directly with her new guard. While the letter is a nice gimmick, it would maybe a bit impolite of Celestia to just decide Twilight needs guards without even asking her beforehand. (You can solve this by let Twilight just explain to her friends, that she talked about this with the Princess a few days before. It doesn't matter if the Tirek-incident was three or five days before.)
- "In front of him was much shorter in terms of height, but still looked pretty strong." ... some word is missing here...
- I think I understand, why you give this two-line descriptors in bold. It should feel like an caption in a movie. But for me it feels a bit distracting this way. Either you don't use them, or you use them once - when the narrative focus changes to them. It's a stunt hard to pull, but it can work out really pretty.
There are some movies and serials out there doing so, to introduce new characters. But usually its done a bit different to your approach.
Like two characters forming a new team talking about the characters in question - and everytime changing to a short flashback to them
Embedded in this direct dialoge between all this introduced characters its very distracting to read.
Maybe its the better course to introduce the characters over a few chapters, then in one rush. I don't know how large you plan this story. But estimating the amount of characters, it would be a longer project.
Ok. Most of my critique is just nitpicking.
All in all its a nice opening. I am a bit overwhelmed by the mass of characters right now - but its really nice.
And I totally love Short Fuse. You hit him spots on. (Like a combination of Pinky Pie and a oldschool Warcraft II goblin sapper)
In general I like how you hit my OCs.
5631696 I really like how you introduced Artemis as a mare who doesn't like Discord. You got her reckless part when you said she would challenge Discord. I bet she will have times where she will be called to bridle that anger.
Selune gave the air of playfull little kitty that's always smiling ((well except when they comment on her fur stuff then she gets a bit sad as you pointed)). I think however saying that the cutie mark in an eyeball isn't exactly correct. I mean sure it is but you could say that her cutie mark had a white outline a creepy looking eye made from black lines with three tear-like edges or something. Just saying.
5631806 I agree with you btw.
Now as for Terra Fuse overshadowed him a bit. I bet if he went too far they would end up dueling each other. Wouldn't that be fun eh? I now wonder if his intro was indeed going to be long-ass boring.
One creepy/interesting thing about Terra is that when he gets REALLY angry or roars the inner part of his eye goes like this...
fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2015/012/c/a/sketch_17_by_xxmarkingxx_d8b16af_by_nioniosbbbb-d8dm14x.png
Friend or not his fellow guards will be grateful they have him I bet.
Oh btw... get an editor. There are grammar errors in there but I would rather not spend a butt-ton of comment space doing this. I could do it but I'm not the best guy out there.
Excellent chapter. Truly, truly excellent!
Your writing is great, you used the OCs very well, and you really made their personalities enjoyable and believable. I'm curious as to how Shira is different and why she is being persecuted, so I'm looking forward to more of that.
As far as my OC goes, you did a great job with him, I have no complaints whatso ever. It occurred to me that I left out some important info. though.
His Cutie mark is based off the real world Eye of Horus (which I call the Eye of Horsus), and for him it symbolizes his love of ancient civilizations and his talent with magic, as the symbol is from the ancient Equyption civilization and symbolized magical protection against evil.
Also, that hipster jab reminded me: his hat and scarf belonged to his father and mother respectively, so anyone insults them or touches them, he loses his calm composure and gets really upset to the point of even rage. Thought this info. might come in handy. Sorry for not mentioning it sooner
Anyway, great chapter. I can't wait for more
5631806 Personally, I like the descriptions of the characters. It kind of reminded me of the character intros from the Borderlands games. Maybe that could be a thing like:
Tacitus as: the brains
Short Fuse as: the loose cannon
Or something like that.
'kay, I am going to be a bit blunt here.
You want to get a proofreader as soon as possible. There were some small typos in the beginning, nothing too major, but once you fix them the fic will look much more professional.
The reason I want you to get a proofreader is that you had quite a few places where your wording made the text seem quite odd. There were a few grammatical errors that disturbed the story's "flow".
Also, something that could be improved, or just pondered about is Spike's character. Seemed a bit OOC in my opinion.
So, that this wouldn't be a completely negative rant, I liked the way you told the characters name and race. Fitting for this type of a story.
It's a good thing to keep in mind that most of I stated is just my opinion.
Interesting story so far. Can't really say much for how you wrote most of the OC's but I know Tacitus and I think he'd like what you've done with him. Kinda sad about missing the chance to request my OC in the story but I'm still intrigued in what you've got. Keep it up!
Should be I'm but other than that its fine.
How long until next chapter
5836167 Soon, maybe in a few days or weeks. I have a lot of school work and other stories to work on, so it may take some time. I'm working on the second chapter right now. So yeah, like i said before, should be out soon.
5836478 ok i understand school work can be pain alongside writerblock and time on other stories
5836723 Yeah.
WooHoo! You have no idea how excited I was when I saw that this got updated. I loved this from the first chapter, and this chapter has got me even more excited!
Oh...man, I got a feeling that they're going to find some interesting features in that building
And yay! I got paired up with Shira! I'm so excited to see how they work together. Also, well done once again on Tacitus and his character.
Overall, aside from a few grammar mistakes, this was awesome and I can't wait for more
6062914 I'm glad you enjoyed it, and hopefully this chapter wasn't too confusing. I plan to get the next one out real soon.
6062943 No, it wasn't confusing at all. I look forward to seeing the team names.
6062945 That might take some time too. But it will happen at some point.
6062948 No worries, I'm patient
It got a bit confusing for a moment but I figured it out, I thought you weren't adding additional characters though?
6063005 I"m not. I just didn't introduce all of the OCs in the first chapter.
6063013 I see, I thought that was strange. The one was kinda edgy though, bat pony-changeling. Possible, but a tad edgy if you ask me. Still, a good chapter. You did a good job defining each character's personality.
6063013 they put the young teenager with the mare who looks ready to shoot a porno.....great job twilight with no objections to that
P.s: all i would add is he spoke the not making friends line in an rude arrogant tone
6063030 thats my oc Starsabre (He's Crescent's son) he's not edgy he's just an asshole with a superiority complex
6063132 He seems a little edgy to me is all. I've seen way edgier though.
6063141 really when designing him i went with
"Im a damn hybrid and I'm loving every moment of it" again superiority complex
6063215 It's cool. Just don't mind me.
6063244 it's okay i like feedback on my oc's
guards*?
In any case please do mention the names when each pony speaks. Only when the conversation goes back and forth do you ignore that. Only between 2 ppl.
Oh my god... Terra is going to be the Equestrian Teal'c
No need for second capital.
“I’m just saying. Bad news usually happens whenever ponies come in late. Like they’re some kind of terrible monster.”- Rainbow Dash
Gee. Foreshadowing. With a sledgehammer.
Hey I like the new cover art!
6138299 I agree,
Nice cover art
Cool, the next one will be a bit longer right?
6176618 Of course.
6176619 good, I'm looking forward to it!
6144784
6138970
6138299
I'm glad you like the cover! It was made by yours truly! I'm currently trying to make covers of the other OCs in this story.
6176625 I'd very much like to see that.
Nice little chapter. Can't wait to get into the meat of the story
6176688 Oh no, I'm not the author. I'm just the artist.
6177150 I think his comment was separately for the fic and you.
Also I await more OC drawing myself.
Now for the fic... good chap, fun.
6177150 oh do you think you can make a pic of Starsabre
6177150 I know. The first comment was for you, the second was for Colt
6182058 I'm currently trying to draw about five of them at the moment so it'll be awhile before I get to that OC.
6183367 oh okay thanks
6183371 No problem. I'll be sending the drawings through the author and on deviant art. Feel free to look at other works I created! Just roll your mouse over my name above my profile pic, and click the deviant art icon!
Ohmigosh. This story rests since... aeons in my track folder. Just didn't have the time (or passion) to read.
)
Until now.
It's interesting.
And yeah I like how you treat the OC's and.. there are even pictures. How cool!
(I like Short Fuse
6226791 what do you think of mine Starsabre granted he hasn't fully shined