Chapter 2: Thunderstruck?
Chapter 2: Thunderstruck?
Twilight stepped out of her house. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Ponyville seemed quiet and peaceful. All in all it seemed like an average day for Twilight.
“I hope today won’t be too exhausting. I’m so tired I could already fall asleep right now.” The purple mare said to herself.
The last weeks had been quite difficult for Twilight. After saving her brother’s wedding by exposing the evil plans of Chrysalis, the vicious queen of the changelings, Twilight hadn’t got much sleep. Not only had she been partying at the wedding the whole night, but also she also was suffering from nightmares.
Chrysalis had been defeated, but unlike the former threats to Equestria, like Discord, who had been turned into stone, she could return at any time, seeking her revenge. And exactly this caused Twilight’s nightmares.
“Maybe I’ll find a nice and quiet place in the park, where I can read and relax a bit. I would stay at home, but this day is simply too beautiful to stay inside. Who knows when the pegasi would decide to set off a storm...” she thought, as she walked down to the park.
At that time, she didn’t know that this day would change her life in more than one way.
After she arrived at the park she lay down below a big oak and began to read. Everything seemed quiet and calm. So quiet that Twilight slowly drifted away into peaceful slumber.
But not long. Suddenly an incredibly loud bang roused her from her sleep. Twilight jumped to her hooves and lokked around nervously. Her heart was beating at an insane speed.
“What happened? Did one of the pegasi unintentionally set off a thunder cloud? No that, didn’t sound like thunder at all.” She thought.
While Twilight was still thinking of an explanation she suddenly saw something on a hill close to the tree that attracted her attention. As she took a closer look, her heart stopped beating for a moment. Lying there was a light green unicorn stallion. The ground around him was charred, like it had been on fire, but he seemed unharmed.
“Oh my gosh, is he...dead?” Twilight called out louder than she intended.
She calmed down a bit, when she noticed that his chest was still moving up and down very slowly.
“At least he's alive. He seems to be unconscious. How did he even get here? It looks like he had been struck by a lightning, but he isn’t harmed at all.”
Twilight didn’t know what to do.
She nudged him with her hoof. Nothing. She nudged him again, a little bit harder this time. Still nothing. Suddenly she had an idea. She came very close to the stallion’s ear and yelled. Still no reaction.
“What shall I do? I can’t leave you here.” Twilight sighed.
This was supposed to be her day off and now she had to take care of an unconscious stallion.
“If you can’t answer me then I can at least have a closer look at you.” Twilight said to the unicorn, who, of course, didn’t respond.
He looked like an average stallion. His light green coat and the long brown mane weren’t really noticeable. He also wore a pair of metallic-blue glasses, which seemed to be too small for his face, but still fitting him well. But something about this Pony was special and it wasn’t the fact that he was unconscious.
“I can’t leave him that way and if he won’t wake up I guess I’ll have to take him home.”
Twilight looked around for somepony who could help her. Unfortunately, she was the only one in the park at this time of the day.
“Looks like I have to carry you on my own. But wait...I could also teleport us back to the library. I hope it won’t harm you.”
Twilight was referring to when she had to teleport her and Spike away after being cornered by a bunch of Ponies, being eager for her second golden ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala. Back then the spell had quite an electrifying effect on the little dragon. Although her magic skills had improved highly since that time, there was always a possibility that something could go wrong, especially when teleporting others.
Twilight decided to try it. She focused her mind on herself and the stallion and performed the spell.
It all went well. One glimpse of an eye later she was back in her library, the unconscious unicorn lying next to her on the floor. Twilight used her magic to lift the stallion up onto her spare bed.
“You better have a good explanation for this, Mister.” Twilight thought with a grim expression on her face. “You just ruined my day off.”
Twilight realised what she just thought and regretted it immediately.
“Twilight! Get a hold of yourself! What were you thinking? He clearly needs your help. This is not the time to be selfish. I should probably go and ask Nurse Redheart if she could come over and take a look at him. He doesn’t seem like he is going to wake up any time soon.”
Twilight looked for Spike, but he was still asleep. She hoped that the little dragon wouldn’t be too confused because of the stranger in her bed...or even draw wrong conclusions from the situation. The last thing she needed to deal with was Spike spreading rumors about her, having a coltfriend. Twilight blushed a little. No, she didn’t need a coltfriend. Coltfriends require time. Time she didn’t have.
Twilight banned the stupid thoughts from her mind and left the library and walked up to Ponyville’s hospital.
After arriving at the hospital, she asked for Nurse Redheart. Nurse Redheart wasn’t better than any other nurse at the hospital, but Twilight knew her from previous events, which made her her first choice.
The mare at the counter called for Nurse Redheart through her microphone. A few minutes later she arrived at the counter.
“What’s the matter Twilight?” the white mare asked.
“Well, it’s not easy to explain. I went for a walk in the park and there I found an unconscious unicorn stallion lying on the ground. He didn’t seem hurt so I took him to my house, but I don’t know how to wake him up.” Twilight tried to sum up the previous events.
“Have you already tried to splash water in his face?”
“Uhm...erm...no. Is this what you do in such cases? I never read about this method in any book about medicine.”
“Let’s just say it almost never fails.” The nurse sighed.
“Well, thank you Nurse.” Twilight said and turned to the exit.
“If he seems to be hurt, just bring him here.” Nurse Redheart yelled after Twilight.
When Twilight got back to the library, she was quite surprised. Not only was a certain purple dragon awake but also a certain green stallion...
END OF CHAPTER 2
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LOOK! somepony who knows how to indent paragrahs. I would kiss you!
577232
thasts not necessary, I'm happy enough that you bothered to read it.
Good job no misstakes
577358
Thank you, I was worrying that people would dislike it, if there were too many mistakes.
577387
You said you had bad grammer and I'm the one who spelled mistake misstake
Oh, a few things stick out like sore thumbs. 1. Ponification is not an interesting thing to read about; too many stories have done it. 2. Romance tag on an HiE that looks somewhat like a self-insert. No. 3. Peculiarly colored OCs. A personal opinion of mine, but why do HiE pony OCs have to be some zany coloration like jet-black, weird stripes or something like that, or in this case, a bright green.
However, your structure and grammar are above par in this catagory of writing, and, as Sorren said, paragraphs!
There's nothing more mind-fucking than a story with 4 thumbs down and 1 up with positive comments
577427
Im sure it is a god fic, but sadly its been done....a ton. Look at how many HiEs there are, the group oor them is the #1 group with almost 700 people. Like IncoherentOrange said.
577434
I know that this concept is more than overused. It's just...had this idea of an epic story. This was just the way I imagined it. I mean, I already have potential material for two sequels! I just want to share my imagination with other Bronies who will, hopefully, appreciate it. If they don't, I actually don't care. Maybe it will become more popular the more I add. I'm doing this because I like writing
577422 Omg im not the only one that hates the OCs colors then!
they suck so much what the buck is wrong with their color tastes
Also, author, i have to agree with him not only about the color thing... but the ponyfication, seriously it takes away half of the fun in my opinion
577434 Well i have'nt even read the story but i have a feeling that it's not really good, no offense to the author but the description and the picture does'nt attract me... (especially the picture
)
PS: Why when i reply to someone it shows those silly numbers instead of the name?
577422
You're right it is kind of a self-insert. that's mostly because of my lack of fantasy. About the colours...I have done the cover with the Pony Creator some time ago. I wanted it to look a bit like me but just like an average pony. Maybe I failed. I just use it because it makes it easier for me to imagine the story. This is not supposed to be a justification. I just want to respond so people know that I appreciate their help
By the way thank you for the positive feedback.
577463 Epic stories don't get redone and redone, epic stories are new and innovative that are clever and smart, if i wanted a HiE fic i could shift through 300 of them in the HiE group
577470
Its the number of the wizard who made the internet in case you have trouble
I noticed a few typos if you wish to correct them (As per your request at the end of chapter 1)
Chapter 1 -
1st Paragraph: "long hair that are always" > "long hair that is always"
"quite some time on watching " > "quite some time watching"
"I got interested into fanfics" > "I got interested in fanfics"
6th Paragraph: "I decided to tkae a dump." > "I decided to take a dump."
15th Paragraph: "were:Oh great" > "were: Oh great"
Chapter 2 -
2nd Paragraph: “I hope I today" > "“I hope today"
4th Paragraph: "seeking for revenge" > "seeking her revenge" or "looking for revenge"
5th Paragraph: "pegasi decide" > "pegasi would decide"
7th Paragraph: "But not long" > "But not for long"
9th Paragraph: "suddenly something on a hill close to the tree attracted her attention" > "suddenly saw something on a hill close to the tree that attracted her attention"
10th Paragraph: "he is alive" > "he's alive"
"struck by a lightning" > "struck by lightning"
17th Paragraph: "only one to walk in the park" > "only one in the park"
21st Paragraph: “At least you ruined my day off.” > “You just ruined my day off.”
23rd Paragraph: "Get hold" > "Get a hold"
"like he would wake" > "like he's going to wake"
27th Paragraph: "she was arrived at" > "she arrived at"
A few typos, but not as many as there could have been as English is your second language. To be honest, I quite enjoyed the story so far, and I am looking forward to the continuation. After all, what Brony hasn't dreamed of being transported to Equestria?
577489Self-inserts are fine, as long as the character isn't either: extremely attractive for no reason, smarter than every other living thing, stronger than everything, has a ficitious dark or sad past, et cetera. See here.
You are so lucky you're a pony now, I shudder to think of what would've happened if you weren't.
"This is the story of a common brony, who gets somehow teleported to Equestria, after taking a dump."
YOU STOLE MY STORY. I WROTE THAT ALREADY.
Don't worry to much about any negative feedback, as you said this is your first attempt and its fairly good for being so. And as for the theme being done already, that's not such a big deal. After all, there are only so many ways to variate something before it becomes ridiculous. Lastly, as has been said before...thanks for the paragraphs, it helps keep everything from looking jumbled together.
Anyways, I wish you the best of luck with your little project.
Why would anypony dislike this?
577521
Thank you very much. Will be corrected immeadiately. Also thank you for your support.
577526
As you probably noticed at the beginning, I don't describe myself as especially attractive. I also don't intend to portray myself smarter than I am. I will also try to give the character some of my weird characteritics. However I might include some unrealistic Romance and Heroism. After all it's still a fictional story, right?
577494
What I meant when I said "epic" wasn't the HiE-concept but the ideas I had for the future. I just need some time to get there, or otherwise it would be too unrealistic.
577595
I'm really sorry. I didn't intend to steal elements from other stories. When I imagined the story concept, I didn't expect someone already having written it that way. Can you post a link to your story, so I can read it to avoid further miunderstandings.
Thank you
577605
Thank you. When I first saw the dislikes, I thought I had broken some kind of an unwritten law when I made a self-insert. but it seems that some people like it, and that's all that I need to continue. Thank you for your support.
577941
Because (sadly) the whole Humans in Equestria is extremely overused. I will continue the story anyway. I REGRET NOTHING. According to your comment you liked the story, so Thank you.
Le me, le wonder, le how did the green stallion react when he woke up?
640937
"WHO STOLE MY BUCKING PANTS?!?!???! . . . And why did I just say 'bucking'"?