As Tirek has finally absorbed the strength, magic, and flight of the Mane 6, Tirek attacks Discord! An enraged Discord takes it upon himself to not only fight Tirek, but with the realization that the mane 6 may not want him back as a friend he decides to rule Equestria! With Twilight nowhere to be found due to her alicorn practice, and Celestia, Luna, & Cadence gone how will Twilight save the day? With a fight between Discord and Tirek breaking out, how will Twilight Sparkle gain the Key of Magic?
Chapters (2)
Discord is right. The ponies haven't been treating him fairly. I also felt like they were forcing him to be someone he isn't. Now they will pay the ultimate price. Can't wait to read more.
Be sure to check out my story too.
5815316 Yeah sure! Looks great!
In case anyone wants it, should I make a chapter from which Discord becomes more tyrantish?
Wow. Your characterization of Discord is spot-on. Like how during the fight, Tirek grabbed him only to discover that he was holding a doll, or how Discord dressed up in a bullfighter's outfit and taunted him with a red cape. I also liked how you made Discord say one thing when the truth was another. How he lied with his words but told the truth with his actions. As Princess Twilight pointed out, he claimed to have turned evil, but there were kiddie pools collecting the chocolate rain. Heck, even chocolate rain is harmless compared to how he nearly ruined Apple Jack's farm, which is her family's livelihood. And it was hilarious when he tried to blame someone else for the kiddie pools.
However, I think you put so much of your time and effort into the content of your story that you forgot to make the words themselves sound pretty. There are many grammatical errors, and I think you could significantly improve your story by focusing on sentence construction for your second draft. And then maybe add some amazing alliteration in the third draft? I know you're not supposed to worry about grammar or spelling in the first draft because you're still getting the words onto the page before they flit away, but could you please pretty please write a second draft?
6242577 Hahaha thank you very much for the input, I'm quite happy to hear your words, both the good and the bad. Yes, as far as grammar the best I can really do is hope Microsoft word picks them up, and my words can be really repetitive, I've been trying differen't styles of writing without, posting them on this site, to try and make my words more pretty. If anything yeah a second draft is something I should look into, would you mind pointing out my grammatical errors for correction?
6245275 I'd be thrilled to point out your errors.
Still, it might be better to teach you grammar things. Give a man a fish you've given him a meal, teach him to fish and you've fed him for life and all that jazz. Whenever I'm writing a school paper and need to look up how to cite a source, I visit Purdue Owl. It's a university website with lots of stuff on grammar and essay writing. They have pages on dependent vs. independent clauses, sentence types, and grammar in general.
My final recommendation is to read, read, read. I don't mean fanfiction. I mean quality works. (Not that there aren't good fanfics, but commercial books are more likely to be good. After all, those have to be good enough to get people to buy them.) And it doesn't even have to be a door stopper like Moby Dick. Read whatever stories are interesting to you.
I don't know what genre you prefer, but if you like My Little Pony you might enjoy Erin Hunter's series Warriors. The series follows the adventures of four Clans of wild cats—ThunderClan, ShadowClan, WindClan, and RiverClan—in their forest and lake homes. Or perhaps Kathryn Lasky's Guardians of Ga'hoole. In the first book, Soren is found and snatched by a patrol of the evil owls from the St. Aegolius Academy for Orphaned Owls.
All right. Now, as promised, I'll give tips on how to fix specific errors.
So, the obvious typos/mistakes in chapter 1 involve "of" and "pooling". Discord did not not ask of whether or not. Delete the word "of" from that sentence all together. Discord asked whether or not he could eat Spike. Fluttershy asked Discord whether or not he'd brought the cookies he'd promised. Though perhaps you could replace "weather or not" with "if". Fluttershy asked Discord if he'd remembered the cucumber sandwiches. Huh. Whichever you prefer.
Second, and I believe this is a typo not caught by spell check, you said "Discord pooling his finger away from Spike's finger before it got bitten off" or something like that. I believe you meant "pulling".
Now for the repeated grammar error in chapter 1. You keep trying to use verbals like they are verbs. Um, I think I'll just copy paste from my Grammar Girl book.
verbals may seem to have been designed to confuse you. Verbals may feel like verbs, but they act like something else in a sentence. There are three types of verbals: gerunds, participles, and infinitives. Gerunds act like nouns, participles act like adjectives, and infinitives can act like nouns, adjectives, or adverbs.
If you add ing to the end of a verb and use that word as a noun, it's called a gerund. For example, take the verb act and add ing to get acting. You can use it as the name of a profession--anoun: Acting isn't as easy as it looks. In that sentence "acting functions like a noun.
/end copypasta
Anyway, back to your 4th sentence.
"he states" is an independent clause. "Discord appearing from nowhere" is not. It's not even a dependent clause. There's a subject but no verb. The simplest solution would be to change “appearing” in to the present tense verb “appears”. Discord appears from nowhere and to Rainbow’s remark he states. Or you could turn “appearing” into part of a phrase. Appearing from nowhere, Discord says.
How about another example?
You could change it to "Tirek, taking a couple steps back, stared at the scenery and at Discord". Or you could change it to "Tirek took a couple steps back and stared at the scenery and Discord."
The final big problem with chapter 1 is that you are inconsistent with your tense.
"grew confused" is present tense. "grabbed" is past tense.
"flew" is present tense.
I believe these sentences use the past perfect tense, which indicates that their verbs happen before some point in the past.
I find it easiest to use past tense to indicate what's going on right now and past perfect to indicate what's happened in the past. For example "Pinkie Pie spit out her cookie because she had mixed up the salt and the sugar back when she had baked them."
Then again, there are stories written in present tense. I don't think I can emphasize enough how helpful it is to read if you want to learn to write. To use literary devices to create exactly the image you want to in your reader's mind. Reading a more enjoyable way to expand your vocabulary too. Dictionaries are nice, but seeing words in action--and wielded by a professional no less--that will teach you the art much better than a grammar book.
This story has a lot of potential, but the fact that you jumble the paragraphs together and switch between character dialogue to narration is confusing.
All in all, the part I like most is Spike being the one who convinces Discord to be nice again.