It's game day, and the Ponyville Elementary hoofball team is on the road taking on the small community of Ragweed Valley! However, a virus outbreak has left Ragweed Valley without enough players to participate, and they ask to borrow a Ponyville player for the game.
Scootaloo accepts the challenge, and finds herself on a team of timid ponies led by an overbearing colt. Can she survive her stint on the Ragweed squad and lead her motley crew to victory?
Entry for the 2015 Everfree Northwest "Making New Friends" Pre-Con Contest.
Chapters (1)
'tis a pretty good story. keep up the good work!
This is extremely underappreciated. The fact that I spelled out underappreciated for you even twice now really shows that
Honestly, great job!
5761298 Thank you!
5765162 I appreciate your appreciation.
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
5765162 What do you mean by "spelled out"?
5781978 I submitted it to EverFree Northwest's "Making New Friends" contest, but I hadn't really thought about EQD until you mentioned it.
I'm 0-for-2 on official EQD submissions thus far, but perhaps the third time's the charm?
Mr. Stanza coming out of nowhere after having been mentioned like twice at the beginning makes the ending seem a bit more contrived than I'd like, but with just a little spit-polishing, this could totally pass for an episode. Bravo/brava!
This story shows that you have a lot of skill as a writer. The technical aspects and voice were both near professional level. But I think you need to push yourself as an author. It's obvious that you were comfortable writing this but I think if you really pushed yourself it would help with creativity and a more dynamic, less predictable story.
I'd like to see you write stories that you don't think you could pull off. Nothing too extreme, just something a bit out of your depth. Try to push yourself for every aspect of the story. Some of the things won't work, but they will be learning experiences. And Just like Barbie you might find you can be good in creative ways that really stand out from the crowd.
As not really proof, your Mortal Combat Equestria story got a lot more comments and a lot of return viewers than your other stories.
5783780 Thank you!
I brought Mr. Stanza back into the last scene because I thought the punch line needed to be delivered by an authority figure, but in hindsight, I should have just let Scootaloo do it (perhaps via another "Rainbow Dash says..." line).
5788722 Thank you for your insight!
I've been pondering this issue of "my stories are okay, but they're not particularly interesting" for a while now without success, but I think your comfortable point is spot-on: I've been rehashing the same formulaic Comedy and/or Slice of Life topics, and none of them have struck a chord with people the way MKE did.
Pushing myself to write something different (whether it be a different genre, different sorts of characters, a less-predictable storyline, or all of the above) might the just the thing I need to get out of this rut and attract more readers.
5789564
Oh, no, Bulldozer getting told off by his own coach was the perfect ending! What I meant was that, in my opinion, Mr. Stanza should have been a bit more of a presence beforehand, just enough to establish and foreshadow his role in delivering the lesson. You see?
5789672 Aha! I see what you mean now.
I guess Mr. Stanza was a victim of my verbosity.
He had more screen time in my 4,500-word first draft, but most of it got cut to fit the story under the word limit.
5789672
Yeah. If the coach had jumped in during halftime or something and told Scootaloo that he knew what she was doing and appreciated it, or something like that at the time mark, then it would have flowed ever more smoothly together.
5789666
Absolutely. Hopefully that advice helps. The real think to be wary of is just making click bate, but your a good enough writer that that shouldn't be an issue.